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Old 22nd May 2009, 03:42 PM   #1
Marky
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Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

This is more of a rant than asking for advice as I have already looked at all the options and none of them are suitable......

I married my now wife just over 7 years ago and prior to our first child we had an excellent relationship, friends, lovers and just generally a good time....

After our first born our sex life went a bit stale but I accepted this and the odd month skipped wasn't that much of an issue but as time went on it started to turn into 2 months and sometimes more....everything was backed up with excuses...

Simple reasons first off, like don't ask me just let it happen, don't ask me to do this and don't ask me to do that etc etc..

Being the person I am I stopped asking, well, that resulted in our first 6 month period of no sex at all.......

I gradually started getting more and more frustrated and arguements started kicking off, the usual small thing turning into full blown rows...

Every time I tried to talk about it I was told to stop going on and her short temper would soon turn it into another arguement and still the reasons for nothing happening kept coming...

We are under each others feet and not enough money became the regular answer to our lack of intimacy....now at the point where we only kiss each other good bye, no cuddles or kisses and on opposite sides of the bed at night.....

I got some extra work which meant less time around each other and also sorted out all the money issues....new excuse, all the stuff that has gone on in the past has sort of put me off it.....I get the feeling I am fighting a loosing battle....

We had a very prolonged period of no sex at all, over 6 months before she mentioned about having another child, I was dead against it due to the relationship but she soon convinved me it was a good chance for us to sort things out.....big mistake, being used as a sperm bank would be an understatement.....although I now have a gorgeous daughter so there are certain parts of it I don't regret.....

Where do we stand now, well my daughter is approaching her 1st b'day and I have had half hearted sex twice with my wife since she concieved, so rapidly approaching 2 years....we stopped having sex the day she knew she was pregnant...and there is no light at the end of the tunnel...

If I leave her I would have to stop my part time work which results in less money for the family, the extra money I would have to give my wife would cripple me financially, also the kids run rings around her and I am the only one who brings a sense of consistancy to the house, they would bring the house down within a week of me moving it......

I have found out that she had a harsh up bringing, her father being an emotionless, aggressive man but she won't talk about her past, she definatley wasn't abused in any way, just very strict up bringing with an emotionally detached father....She definatley will not go for any counciling even tho she was put forward for this by her doctor due to panic attacks and health anxiety issues (now all in the past)

So sexlees for 2 years, a wife who won't talk about it .....and me not willing to walk away from my kids...

Can life get worse.......we will see.

Last edited by Marky; 22nd May 2009 at 03:52 PM.
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Old 22nd May 2009, 06:35 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Difficult one Marky. There is probably a problem from childhood but it shouldn't be an excuse not to have sex.

One thing sticks out for me i.e the excuse about all the stuff in the past has put her off. What would that be?

There seems to be many excuses but what is the real one? We need to find out. Maybe something can be done about it?

Sexs doesn't just happen all the time in marriage. Usually it's a decision by the man (not always). The wife is usually the responder, but you are getting rejection here. There is a reason for this somewhere and you need to find out. Talk and understanding usually helps but you have gone a long way down the line and need answers.

What does she mean by don't ask me to do this and don't ask me to do that? Have you been making demands on her that are uncomfortable for her?

I am just fishing here but you do need some answers quick.

Raymond
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Old 23rd May 2009, 06:14 PM   #3
Johnee S
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

She is obviously scared of something in her past to resist getting help, especially when her doctor advises her to do so and she's having panic attacks. Raymond's right on the money here, what he said is spot on! Show you want to help her get through this with her and you want to do everything you can for her. Show her she is important to you and you want her to be happy in and out of bed. ask her why she doesn't want to see a counselor.
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Old 26th May 2009, 10:10 AM   #4
Marky
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

There definatley is a problem from Childhood but one that I can't quite get to the bottom of.......

It is as if she has put up a brick wall to protect herself and this becomes obvious when we do start to get on...a few days of laughing and enjoying each others company will soon result in an outburst from her about something small that sets it all back again....

Everyone in her family is distant, she hasn't seen her brother in over 10 years, we see her parent about once a year, if that and at nearly one year old they are still to set eyes on their grandaughter....they don't like my son calling them grandparents and B'day/Christmas cards are signed off with their first names........

When I say about asking her things, it is only on occassion that I have asked to sort the relationship out, on 2/3 occassions I have asked if we can have an agreement where we really try and put everything behind us and try, on a couple of occassions in the past, we have had a period of a week or two where we have had sex and we have both got on really well....but as usual, within a week or two her brick wall goes back up and the arguements start.....

The excuse part, well that started off with simple things, such as "haven't had a shower" "Got a headache" etc etc....then the health anxiety kicked in which put everything off track.....her favourite saying was "Tomorrow" but obviously tomorrow never came....

I obviously got quite short tempered at times but more often than not I accepted it and sat back waiting patiently for something to happen....but things really kicked off with our second child....I felt totally used by her, a sperm bank to get what she wanted and basically followed by no sex during the whole pregnancy...this resulted in loads of arguements....

This is now her key excuse......"How can I have a relationship with you when we are always arguing".....but the arguements are because of no relationship....

We have had periods of time that were good, Christmas was brilliant, we got on great and had a cracking family Christmas.....we have had a pretty good year this year as well, I have avoided arguements as much as possible......but still she will not let me anywhere near her and sex is definatley not on the cards.....

The fact of it is, if I was to be totally celibate, accept it that way and just be a good Dad to the kids, provide money for the house, we would get on like a house on fire, she would be totally happy to live this way as long as there was no intimacy or closeness.....

Sadly, I am not that sort of person....
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Old 26th May 2009, 01:39 PM   #5
Johnee S
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Well if she's unwilling then get some sort of intervention happening. seek help for yourself and find out what options are available. It's odd diet can sometimes trigger emotional responses we don't want to see, maybe there is some sort of pattern, just a shot in the dart...
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Old 26th May 2009, 01:42 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

This is almost certainly her problem from childhood Marky. I was brought up as an orphan and I know what I am talking about. Theres a person in there that needs to come out. You get glimpses then she hides away again. This isn't you it's how she is. She needs to come out and share herself fully but I guess she is afraid. She has never learned to relate fully and the wounds of rejection from childhood cut deep. She wants to relate but feels the need to control the terms in case she gets hurt.

If she knew someone who fully loved her, someone she could fully trust, someone she could fear no rejection from and be totally accepted she would be healed. Alas none of us humans measure up to this although we can part of the time. I found it was only christ who measured up to this. That is my healing. It is all our healing if we did but know it.

I was speaking to two orphans the other day who were much older and they both confess this estrangement from people. They get by, put up a front but theres an isolation there underneath. Still there after all these years.

Your wife really needs help and healing and I don't think any psychologist is going to have the answer. The wounds of childhood are carried around until we are healed. I only know one answer I'm afraid.

Raymond
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Old 27th May 2009, 03:38 PM   #7
jools
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Hi Marky
Just happened to look in and saw your post. I noticed that all of the respondents so far are male so I thought I'd just add a female perspective on this. While I think that all of the comments so far have been sensible and feasible there is one aspect missing. I know some people will respond very defensively to what I'm about to say but here goes. It's been a long standing joke about women faking orgasms but there's also another hidden side to female sexuality (well, hidden from the men). Raymond touched on it when he said how men tend to be the initiators in most sexual encounters in marriage. A high percentage of women in long term relationships find sex boring and in some cases a complete turn off. Especially after having children. Now I'm sure there are many females out there about to dispute this but you talk to any large gathering of married women and most of them will joke about all of the things that they'd rather do or have than sex. So when they are pressed to seek counselling, they don't want to because as far as they're concerned they don't have a problem. Some women lie back and think of England but some (like your wife) can't even be bothered. If it is a childhood problem you'd think it would have surfaced before you had the children - but you said sex was good then. I reckon she's just bored.

Now the serious bit. While she doesn't see her lack of a sex drive as a problem (because it doesn't bother her - you said so yourself), it IS a problem because it's going to lead to the end of your marriage - because of how you are feeling. She needs to be aware that this is likely to happen. I mean spell it out to her in no uncertain terms - because in a moment you could find yourself falling out of love with her and then there really will be no return. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience!
Jools XX
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Old 28th May 2009, 01:16 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

I think you are right Jools. This sex thing is extremely important. It bothers me though that you say women don't like it. I don't think my wife fakes it. She is too honest, but yes I am always the initiator. Sometimes yes, it is the women who miss the sex. Just read the sexless marriage forums. Yes sex is very important to men but saying the women don't like it bothers me. My wife says she is switched on if I am switched on. In other words her enjoyment comes from my enjoyment. That's how it works with us anyhow. To deny a man his enjoyment could end the marriage as you say.

Raymond

I'm surprised this post made it. There is no confirmation until you come on again fresh.
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Old 30th May 2009, 02:45 PM   #9
jools
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Hi Raymond
I didn't mean to say that ALL married women go off sex. I know that's not the case. I just think that keeping sexual feelings alive is more usual in men. I'm sure your wife does enjoy it once you "get going" (excuse the colloquialism!) but even in your marriage it sounds as though you're the keenest regarding that, as you're usually the initiator. Luckily your wife is able to get turned on and satisfy your needs (and hers ... she adds hastily!). However, a lot of women just go off it all together. I'm saying "a lot" rather than "all". It would be interesting to ask for your wife's opinion on this. How do her long time married friends feel? Like I said, it's not something that women usually like to share with men. I've noticed that these things are only discussed when I'm with all female company. If any close male friends are there it will not be alluded to - even though other sexual matters might be discussed. It's quite interesting really. Maybe someone should do a study on it!
Jools
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Old 30th May 2009, 03:53 PM   #10
Mike56
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
To deny a man his enjoyment could end the marriage as you say.

Raymond
Surely you're not suggesting that the wife's purpose is to be the source of her husband's "enjoyment"?
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Old 30th May 2009, 07:06 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

What have we started here Jools? It's nice to know that a lot of women like sex, even love it. I suspect that in a good relationship it takes off a little more. It is very important that she likes it as well. Who wants a performance? It's a shared experience surely? My take on this is to leave well alone. I get the feeling she doesn't discuss it with other women at all. I initiate sex yes and have all the ideas yes. She will respond to most things. I long to please her but I have very little to go on, but she will say as I said before that what switches me on switches her on because it switches me on. I am quite choosy and only do what I feel is right for us. So if it's not broke don't fix it is my motto for the bedroom.

Mike I was speaking generally of men (and some women) and trying to point out that sex is very important and the denial of it leads to big problems in the marriage for most people. I never said that the wives purpose is to bring enjoyment to the husband although there is a truth in that in the bedroom in my marriage and vice versa. The basis of it all is good relationship. The sex is just the topping on the cake. My main calling in marriage as I see it is to love my wife with all that entails. With regard to sex I take a scriptural position in that each should not deny the sexual needs of the other i.e the need for sex. Having said that sex is only about 6% of the marriage but it's feelers can affect everything else.

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Old 30th May 2009, 07:27 PM   #12
jools
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Oops! I knew it would be contentious and that's why I took a deep breath before starting. Maybe that's why it isn't generally spoken aloud (in mixed company). My friends do accuse me of saying what others just tend to think! Maybe we should leave it there.
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Old 31st May 2009, 11:42 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Wise move perhaps Jools.

Raymond
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Old 2nd June 2009, 12:21 PM   #14
Hopeless
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by jools View Post
Hi Marky
Just happened to look in and saw your post. I noticed that all of the respondents so far are male so I thought I'd just add a female perspective on this. While I think that all of the comments so far have been sensible and feasible there is one aspect missing. I know some people will respond very defensively to what I'm about to say but here goes. It's been a long standing joke about women faking orgasms but there's also another hidden side to female sexuality (well, hidden from the men). Raymond touched on it when he said how men tend to be the initiators in most sexual encounters in marriage. A high percentage of women in long term relationships find sex boring and in some cases a complete turn off. Especially after having children. Now I'm sure there are many females out there about to dispute this but you talk to any large gathering of married women and most of them will joke about all of the things that they'd rather do or have than sex. So when they are pressed to seek counselling, they don't want to because as far as they're concerned they don't have a problem. Some women lie back and think of England but some (like your wife) can't even be bothered. If it is a childhood problem you'd think it would have surfaced before you had the children - but you said sex was good then. I reckon she's just bored.

Now the serious bit. While she doesn't see her lack of a sex drive as a problem (because it doesn't bother her - you said so yourself), it IS a problem because it's going to lead to the end of your marriage - because of how you are feeling. She needs to be aware that this is likely to happen. I mean spell it out to her in no uncertain terms - because in a moment you could find yourself falling out of love with her and then there really will be no return. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience!
Jools XX
Interesting stuff. My wife and I are only in our late thirties, but we only have sex about once a month (because that is about the gap necessary to make it interesting), and I would say that she fits right into your category. What makes me laugh (hollowly) is the adage that say that men reach their sexual peak in their teens, but women do in their 30's. If they are desperate for a child then, well maybe, but otherwise, IMO you are having a laugh!?

The catch 22 for blokes? Well for a bloke the lack of regular sex distances you from your wife and you crave the feeling of being wanted physically, but the constant (passive) rejection takes away your self confidence so you feel that you could not even pull off an affair! The result - well see my username!
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Old 2nd June 2009, 06:38 PM   #15
Brotan
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Re: Sexless Marriage falling to pieces.....

There are a few things about sex that have not been referred to in the original discussion - women in their thirties are meant to be at their sexual prime (guys reach sexual prime earlier) so depending on her age she should be enjoying it.

You mentioned health issues - occassionally women get cystitis when they have sex fairly regularly, but this is easily sorted out in general - you could try buying your wife lots of cranberry juice when you have had sex and there are other ways to sort this out too (just look up ideas on the internet if it becomes a problem) The other issue could also be how she gave birth - after an episiotomy it can be painful to have sex and certain positions are more painful than others (and this can occur for years after the birth, not just at the beginning) After birth women may also feel less attractive to their partner and some sensitivity needs to be given to this so that she does feel loved.

In general sex for a woman should come after the man has shown he is affectionate to her - some women do feel that a man is just being affectinate to get sex and this may turn them off - you can't be affectionate one day and ask for sex that day and then no affection for a week until you want sex again - you need to determine what types of affection your wife wants too - a phone call while you are at work? flowers? a hug during the day? a note saying I love you? a sweet left hidden in the house? There are loads of ways of making your wife feel more loved before sex - sex seems to make men feel loved while women often (not always though) need to feel loved before having sex.

And finally if your wife says maybe tomorrow, ask her for a time, plan carefully - get the candles out make sure she knows you want it... and try to help get the baby to bed, help with the babies bath, maybe cook supper.... it is exhausting to raise a one year old and your one year old is not your only child - your wife must be tired - it probably is a genuine excuse, however somehow you need to get it through to her (probably only by having sex) that she will probably sleep better and be less tired after good sex. The majority of women who have one year olds and talk about sex say that they do not really think they want it, but after they have sex they think: gee we should do that more often.

You could try getting into marriage counselling if she will agree - sex is an issue brought up in marriage counselling and when dealt with properly it may just save your marriage and create a wonderful sex life (it did for me and my husband)
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