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Old 6th May 2009, 08:13 PM   #16
Raymond
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

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Originally Posted by jjjj_jjjj View Post
She is having a EA at the very least. What you do next will determine the future of your relationship. Do not try an win her back. Begging will only push her farther away. Demand that she ends contact with this guy and stick to it. There are a bunch of books on stuff like this. There is something called the 180, look into it. Men in your situation often try to romance their wives back and this never works.
I think that this is the best answer I have seen so far on this thread. You cannot pussyfoot around here. Time to be a man?

I also think you should weigh up whether to talk to him even just to say watch it mate that's my wife. She is in the wrong. You have some moral authority here.

Raymond
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Old 6th May 2009, 10:09 PM   #17
jools
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

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Jools, It is since she got friendly with this other man that she has been this way, at Christmas she was absolutely fine.
I believe that! What I was trying to say was that these other people can come along at times when our partners might have niggles about things in the marriage or just our lives at that time. And these niggles would under normal circumstances be worked through and we come out the other side. However an "other person" might appear at such times and supply a welcome distraction. I actually also agree with what Raymond said about fronting this other bloke. You do indeed have "moral authority". A word in his ear might be enough to scare him off. So what if your wife doesn't like it? I think I'd respect a man more if he took that course of action. It's more manly than sitting back, knowing who the other bloke is and doing nothing for fear of upsetting the apple cart.
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Old 7th May 2009, 09:39 AM   #18
Dnc
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Just some food for thoughts…And it may apply to all walk away wife threads here.
After weeks of hearing “I love you, but not in love with you,.. I need space,…I do not know what I want…”, my wife actually said something that I think make sense and might explain her behaviour.
She said that she’s been living in an abusive relationship, nothing valiant, but an emotional abuse. It was a shock for me at first as I’ve never had any bad intentions (from my point of view), having thought about it, I had to admit that I have been controlling, jealous and using emotional blackmail.
So, by defying the problem, for my male way of thinking, I actually can start working on it, confronting my personal issues, and becoming a better person.
It may or may not be the case with you Goldenboy.
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Old 7th May 2009, 10:06 AM   #19
Dnc
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

So, by defying the problem,

sorry, DEFINING the problem,...
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Old 7th May 2009, 01:07 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Very good point Dnc. Trouble is a lot of them don't define the problem but just shove off. Take the easy way out so to speak. Yes there is often a reason underneath as well; a chink in the marriage that can be exploited by someone through flattery or whatever. The whole point of this site is to encourage commitment and a working on the marriage if possible. If you have seen your failings and are doing something about them; that cannot be bad.

Raymond
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Old 7th May 2009, 05:40 PM   #21
Goldenboy
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

I take on board what you saying but that's not really the case as she has always been allowed her own friends and space. I was always confident in her as we had such a loving and trusting marriage, the only time I have got angry with her was this time because I could see what was happening with the friendship and knew that it was wrong.

I've been around a couple of times and surprise he's not in, but I will catch up with him eventually.

I told her again last night that I do want things to work but it's a case of how long do I give her as all I get back is I don't know how I feel.
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Old 7th May 2009, 05:59 PM   #22
Raymond
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Maybe she does not know how she feels because the waters are being muddied by this other fellow. I think she is being a bit naive trying to relate to men in that way when she is married. I still think you need to get through to this chap. Something is not right or you wouldn't feel it. I don't act the same as a married man as I did when I was single, neither does my wife. We are not on offer in that way and our lives should reflect this if we want to keep our marriages secure.

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Old 7th May 2009, 06:26 PM   #23
rebeccas_3
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Goldenboy, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I know personally what devistation emotional affairs can bring. Only because I had participated in one during my 1st marriage. When you are decived that the grass is greener, it makes little difference what your husband says. Everything seems to be an attack and the other man uses that to his advantage.
My advice to you is to watch what you say / Spying on her will not end well / Remember why you love her and tell her / and read the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It taught me how to give and more importantly receive the love my 2nd husband has for me. I never realized that we spoke different languages. It has made ALL the difference!

Thank God that we are a new creation in Him. People can change and hearts can heal.
You and your wife are in my prayers.
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Old 7th May 2009, 08:59 PM   #24
Flubber
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

I am a great believer now that married people don't throw away good lives and security for nothing. There is nearly always someone else. I've been there.
As an earlier post suggested, time to be a man.

Saying that though, you need to know one way or other what is going on. Buy a gps tracker off the net for 100 and place in her car. You will only need a week to find out
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Old 13th July 2009, 01:02 PM   #25
Hombre
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Hi Goldenboy,

I hope things are working out for you. I've just had the ILYB speech from my wife two weeks ago - it was a bolt out of the blue for me as I had no idea anything was wrong. It turned out my wife had become attracted to another man although I believe her when she says she saw the warning signs and stopped further contact. I also understand the attraction was purely from her side - a secret admirer if you like.

We have decided to try and work things out and things seem to be going well as far as I can tell, she tells me she loves me and we are planning for the future together. We have also started to enjoy a much healthier sex life.

If you don't mind sharing can you descibe how the last few months have progressed for you and your wife? What worked/didn't work for you and indeed are you still together?

All the best,


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Old 15th July 2009, 05:28 AM   #26
Johnee S
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

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Originally Posted by Goldenboy View Post
The words of the title are what I was hit with last week and it has just destroyed me. My wife and I have been together nearly 11 years and married for 8. Our relationship has always been strong and happy, we have had ups and downs like everyone else but the downs were never serious, we have recently moved house and I just did not see this coming at all. She has recently struck up a friendship with another man from her circuit training classes who is single and whilst I'm not comfortable with this I have trusted her and given her space as she insisted he is just a friend. She say's things have not been right for a while and I think this other man has turned her head and flattered her. She has a good life and has always had what she wanted in life( love, security, help, a loving family, holidays etc) I just don't know what to do and feel as though I'm on trial and have to make her fall in love with me again. I can't believe that she would throw away everything we have built up together just like that. Please help
GB the easiest approach to this is she has lost attraction to you, look within yourself and focus on improving yourself, when she sees you are taking better care of you, such as exercise, mental check over, etc. You will gain confidence with yourself and more self esteem and respect. These are key elements to why she was atracyed to you in the beginning. Remember how you were when you first started dating, that spark was there because she was attracted to your best qualities, rekindle those qualities and let them grow. She will not be able to resist and her attractionf ro you will grow, just make sure you focus on you first and foremost.

I'm not saying ifnore her all i am saying is pick yourself up dust yourself off, and change the things you want to improve on, be consistant. Good luck!
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 24th July 2009, 11:28 PM   #27
lindall5
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I love you but .....ME TOO

Boy we all sound like a broken record huh? I am knew on her also. I have written a couple of times but erased it I guess out of fear. My husband had an EA (supposedly) and it killed me. (still does) He told me the not in love thing too and it lasted for 6 weeks. Found out that was when he was telling her he loved her and he couldn't tell 2 women at once. I thought my mom"s death was the worse thing I have been through-- I would put this one right up there with it. I have never been so hurt in my life and a big chunk of my heart is still missing. I still don''t know what to do. We have been married 18 yrs and together 25yrs. WE have three kids and the OW just happened to be my daughter's bestfriends' mom who just recently split with her husband and we all were friends. I coached her daughters , still do one and teach her. After she and her husband split she decided to go after mine. She was calling him a lot and of course I was stupid she said she needed a "man's point of view" well eventually she needed more that just his view. Oh I could tell more to the story that would make it even more interesting but I don't want to make this a book. Thanks for listening
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Old 25th July 2009, 07:55 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

Has he got right over this with you Lindall? Has he repented and seen the error of his ways? Yes it was her fault as well, but it takes two.

Raymond
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Old 4th August 2009, 12:49 PM   #29
kyalan
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you

as soon as you here those words, just give up trying.

9 times out of 10, something is going on behind your back whether it be the good old "EA" or the plain and simple Affair.

It's the grass is always greener syndrome and believe me, it's not always the case!

there are plenty more women out there who will love you and never do things like this.

she'll realise how she's been acting and the error of her ways once you have moved on.

keep your chin up mate

Kyalan
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