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Old 22nd April 2009, 05:57 PM   #1
JWD
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counsellor cancelled

couldn't be helped. I was really looking forward to it but have another in a couple of weeks.

really I wanted a bit of guidance on how to deal with these horrible flash backs I keep having. Mostly it's about when this first happened and I wrote him a ridiculous letter that now feels live grovelling. I had put in it how I had been buying books etc. I know there isn't really anything to be embarrasses about but because I now know about the affair, it makes me feel really stupid and desperate. Keep imagining how he must have found it all so funny to read me pouring my heart out and all along he knew what was happening. I can remember him laughing when I wondered if he was depressed or having some sort of crisis but really that was my only option left what to think because he kept saying there was no affair and that I annoyed him by thinking there was.

Flashback 2.

Him bringing that friend home the second week it happened and them laughing and discussing prostitutes and strippers while I was right there. and them talking about how all women are mad and money grabbing cows.

Flashback 3

When I confronted him with the truth how he still lied and said was only a kiss and when I said I was telling her partner he said 'don't do that to her' this one really bugs me lol.

Anyway, sometimes I'm going about my business and all these thing suddenly come into my head and it really takes so much effort to try and switch off from them. I've been trying, as soon as I think about them, to say to myself leave it for now and think about them tonight. Kind of like giving myself permission to go over them but only for ten minutes when I'm at home. Sometimes I forget by the time I get home.

Rationally, I'm sure no one is laughing at me and I'm sure they don't believe the lies he is telling and even if they do, so what, more fool them. I'm hoping that eventually I won't even care. Annoys me that I do though.

Not sure how the counsellor would help with these issues. It's quite difficult trying to stop your mind going over these things. It's like I know they will make me feel bad yet in they pop.

In other new I bought a bright pink jacket today, looked so lovely but ended up very cold. I have no jackets that fit so I treated myself.

Hope everyone is is well and happy.
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Old 22nd April 2009, 07:09 PM   #2
jools
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hi JWD
If it's any consolation, I've been separated nearly 3 years and I still occasionally do what you're doing now. But it's rare that it happens. I told my friend yesterday that I have an urge to have the long chat with my ex that we've never had. When we first split, I would just have got angry and argued, but now...? I don't reckon I'd get any closer to "honesty". I think he'd say whatever gave him the easiest ride. Talking to counsellors? I tried it once. She stopped half way through the session and said that she didn't think I needed a counsellor -and I'm not convinced you do either.

Those flash backs you're having are a bit like the horrible dreams that plague the early stages of separation. They are horrible - but necessary. I think our brains keep running the data until it's fully absorbed and it loses it's potency. It's such early stages for you. Just accept it as part of the healing. But don't feel "stupid" about anything that you've said or done. You just gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to see the best in him. That's what love's about. Such a cliche to say "he's the loser" - but he is. I still get so frustrated when I find myself going over things in my head (3 years later!) - but the emotions that these flashbacks evoke have been diluted with the passing of time. It will get better, gradually.
Jools XXX
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Old 22nd April 2009, 07:24 PM   #3
RayCub
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Re: counsellor cancelled

All those horrible moments replay themselves over and over again in my mind too, usually when I least expect them. I figure they are a necessary evil. Like Jools said, I think it's just our brain's way of processing, and I think I'd rather have them during my waking hours than to have them wake me from sleeping, which I get so little of, so it's precious. My counsellor asked me on Monday (before she dumped me) what I do to help pull myself out of those moments, and I told her I don't....at first, anyway. I allow myself to feel them COMPLETELY - to cry, to moan, to bitch, to vent, to get angry, to cry some more - and THEN I either call someone to talk or I put on PINK's "So What" the loudest it can possibly go, and I sing to the top of my lungs, especially the chorus:

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a TOOL
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight


God love PINK - that "Funhouse" album has been played to death, through every stage of this breakup, and it always puts my back in the right frame of mind to keep dealing with this. I should write her a fan letter!!! hahaaha
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Old 22nd April 2009, 08:02 PM   #4
JWD
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Thank you Jools & Ray.

I think I've been too desperate to 'get over it' which is natural I suppose as nobody wants to hurt/cry/be depressed etc. I still think the hypnosis book is good but feel it's too soon to use it as I realise I do need to feel exactly what has and is happening to me. So I'll save it for now.

Re counselling, the first session I was basically telling the counsellor why I felt like this and I was able to say why he was doing all the stuff he was doing and saying and I did feel she was going to say I didn't need it and that worried me, suppose I sometimes think I'm putting on an act. Like in work and friends, they are say how well I'm coping and I am it's just sometimes it all just hits me and totally takes overwhelms me and I think oh my God, this has actually happened. I am good at getting my head around it mostly. I think I'm just now seeing that all the great things we had weren't so great afterall and even if they were, he isn't the person I thought he was and it doesn't really matter what he has done anyway, because I no longer like the person he is so what's my problem? If I were to meet him fresh, I doubt I would entertain him knowing his history and if he were to come back tomorrow and ask me back, I'd have to say no because I no longer like him as a person. I think it helps that I usually go for personality or does everyone? The way I see it, he doesn't have a nice personality anymore so it should be easier to let go. He has proved himself to be a liar, he is weak, he is selfish and he is very cold and immature. That makes it easier to see how I've actually had a lucky escape. My big problem seems to be why I didn't see it before. I mean he hasn't just become like this overnight. Suppose I need to just accept that I didn't see it and look harder next time round.

Another thing I have noticed is that I'm actually a nicer person and happier in other aspects of my life. It's weird but he was so full of hate re stupid things like football etc that I no longer need to worry about a massive 5 hour rant about how unfair and racist this country is. I no longer need to listen to how he can't cope with his workers fighting and worry about him having a break-down in work. This is another point, he is making out that I was the cause of his depression in work which actually makes me smile when I think aboiyt how he would only be in the place 5 mins and I'd get a text threatening how he was going to blow the place up because the kettle wasn't working or someone hadn't set the answer machine LOL.


I spent so long stressing and believing him when he said it was me yet I know it wasn't and why should I believe anything the silly man says after he has be proven to be a liar.

Ha this is what I do, spend half an hour analysing everything he said and then correct it all to what is really going on and disproving in my mind his ridiculous claims. Not sure who is right about the cause but I know what one makes me feel better :-)

So, going a bit crazy with this contents list, do you reckon bed linen counts and what about the lovely light fittings, they were here when we bought right enough ;-)
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Old 22nd April 2009, 10:51 PM   #5
dave123
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hi JWD,

Flashbacks are a real killer! After i split with my first love i had them for years, it was acrimonious and i never saw her again, and they all got bottled inside and swam around in my head for ever and ever and ever....

Now splitting up with the ex i do have them but it is already less than it ever was with the first one. The difference this time (i think) is that i let them all out now. Saying things out loud, posting on here, shouting at thin air, writing things down etc etc whatever you can do just release it and it will die away over time. They'll never go away totally, but they will lose all their power. Not only that i don't want my life to be defined by this terrible bit, so i won't let it have the power.

If your counselor doesn't think you should carry on then they may be wrong. Only you know what you need, and if you change your mind, who cares because you're the BOSS!!!

Hope you're doing OK this evening. What's going to be positive about tomorrow?

Take care,

Dave
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Old 22nd April 2009, 11:44 PM   #6
JWD
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hi Dave, thanks. Counsellor thought we had stuff to work on but in a very positive way, she felt I was already in the right frame of mind and knew a great deal about what was happening so e were going to work on my self esteem and dealing with all the questions swarming around my head and my lack of anger and hy I'm not obsessing about other woman??? that seems strange however.

Tomorrow will be fab because I'm working with really upbeat funny people and It's Thursday, don't know why but Thursday is my favourite day. Think it's because my mum used to do her big shop on a thursday and there would always be goodies and she always cleaned my room then lol.

How are you today
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Old 23rd April 2009, 07:47 AM   #7
PAUASH29
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Re: counsellor cancelled

JWD couldnt help but do this but its a georgeous morning here in cov and thursday is my favourite day too, enjoy.

Have a good day
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Old 23rd April 2009, 10:07 AM   #8
32hh
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Know what you mean about the flashbacks- sometimes drive me crazy. Liked this article, which gave a scientific reason etc- don't know if it's right, but made me feel less like a deranged crazy woman!!
http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com027.html
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Old 23rd April 2009, 12:31 PM   #9
georgie
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hey, how come you guys are being sent away from the counsellor with the 'fixed' sticker after one session, I'm being told the first twelve will help, but obviously I'll need more... hmmmmm I guess we know which one is the nut amongst all the fruit in this bar now eh? As Kath and Kim say I have 'ISS-UES".
JWD read back over those 3 flashbacks - him lieing, him acting like a sleazeball with his mate, him lieing some more - how come you feel bad? As I think Jools said all you did was treat him with love and trust - where's the shame in that? He let you down, he was not all he claimed to be.
You can't change him, it's like decorating a rental property - you never get the rewards. I think if we can all focus on working on ourselves and our lives, and forget about what they were and are thinking and doing and why they're doing and thinking it, then we can actually start to move on.
I'm still really tired, so not sure if this is lucid - plus I'm the one that is single handidly keeping Australian mental health workers in employment.. but ENOUGH ABOUT THEM, LETS TALK ABOUT US!
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Old 23rd April 2009, 10:35 PM   #10
yogamad
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hope you enjoyed your Thursday JWD. Have a good weekend :0)
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Old 23rd April 2009, 11:06 PM   #11
dave123
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hi JWD,

Hope the day worked out well for you! I had a 12 hour shift, but still managed to shop for a friends son's birthday (he's 4) and he loved his pressie, then had a ride on the bike and a curry at a mates! Simple things eh?!!

I hope you get on OK with the counseling, i found it hard to stop in the end because i really liked having a non-judgemental outlet, but i felt it was time, and my credit card agreed with me!!

Nearly Friday and then the weekend. I hope you have some fun and relaxation planned!

Take care,

Dave
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Old 24th April 2009, 08:48 AM   #12
JWD
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Hi everyone and thanks for all the replies. Thursday went well, I only had an hours sleep before starting my 13 hour shift but it was fine. Got a lot of stuff sorted in my head so felt like a mental weight had been lifted. And, got a text from him, arrogant tone informing me of things that need done to the house, service of our white goods etc. This is because he has redirected the mail so knows I don't get it. Anyway, not sure why he thinks I care about it, also I called the post office who are very interested to hear how my H can get mail addressed to both of us without my consent. hmmmmmm. Mortgage people won't send the info I need to another address so not sure why he is doing it as it will only delay the separation agreement and he is in such a rush. I'm not bothered, just ignored his text. ho hum.

Hope you all have a good weekend planned, I'm working tomorrow then a crowd of us are going out after shift :-)
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“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”

Last edited by JWD; 24th April 2009 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 26th April 2009, 02:01 PM   #13
JWD
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Well, I didn't go out with the girls last night as my friends dad died and she needed a bit of company.

Her little girl is adorable, she was my flower girl at my wedding and is is very excited that I marry again and she can be flower girl again and this time she wants to wear her roller blades down the aisle LOL why not. She also asked if a threw a lamp at him and thinks he must be a silly man because I'm beautiful. she wrote me a poem.

JWD when I see you, you are simple and cool
when all the men see you, they think you;re still at school
but now you're sad and lonely,
don't worry, i won't tell the story
I know what to do
make a fresh start
and get a man who will
think of your heart
A flower may die
the sun may set
but a friend like you
I'll never forget
Your name is precious
it will never grow old
it's engraved in my heart
in letters of gold
you will always be special to me

8 years old!!!!
She gave me a set of rosary beads and said she was going to ask her guardian angel to find me a much better man lol


H called to say that he had been attacked, I said Oh dear. I didn't ask him anything else, he wanted to come round to pick up something and I know it's an excuse as he doesn't need it at all. I don't want to see him. I have a feeling he is going to try mess with me and although I'm getting stronger and stronger I'm not at the stage of knowing what I want yet so I'm keeping well back from any head messing til I know I can cope with it. I just said I need to go, I'll arrange for your item to get to you. He then asked something else irrelevant and I just said those three little magic words 'I don't know' I'm sure he understands that.

I don't feel happy that he was attacked, nor do I feel upset about it. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

What I have noticed is, things are going really well for me these days. Work is actually amazing, new opportunities in the pipe line and a lots of courses available for study with funding. Going to check a few out. Also, old friends are getting in touch, made a few new fun friends too via other friends, have forged a deeper friendship lwith my fantastic cousin who is moving back here and really getting to grips with who I am and what I want to happen.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend. x
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Old 26th April 2009, 05:18 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Be careful JWD you don't want to open up those well worn paths with H again. Be strong. Unless he has become a miraculous changed man keep clear and don't give a foothold.

Raymond
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Old 26th April 2009, 07:35 PM   #15
JWD
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Re: counsellor cancelled

Well I'm finally listening to my instinct and it's screaming stay clear. I have an inkling that he just needs to know if he has made the right decision and is trying to get some sort of reaction to validate it? Perhaps he really does think I'm still blind and naive? either way, not having anything to do with him. Master manipulator can chat through lawyers which is only right considering her ran straight to them at the beginning.
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