Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre
Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services
Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us
|
|
|
19th October 2011, 02:59 PM
|
#16
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
Thankyou Helen. What you say is true , it's just hat we the victims in this are the baddies for ending the marriage and have to pay for it in many ways.
I am taking everything on board and intend to confront him. To me enough is enough and I can't take this anymore , he won't change and he thinks I will forgive and forget.
I can't trust him on any issue anymore, he has debts which he hides and I never know if he is telling the truth.
I have been made to feel the baddy in all this and he the triumphant .
I intend to sort this one and for all in a lady like fashion .
|
|
|
20th October 2011, 08:44 AM
|
#17
|
Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
|
Re: Help!!
You are the baddy for ending the marriage in whose eyes Hunny? Not in ours. We are all for keeping marriages together but not at the cost of putting up with adultery and affairs. The marriage was already broken and betrayed when he started this stuff. He has betrayed his covenant and vows and made a mockery of what a marriage should be.
If he repents that would be great but the fruit of true repentance would be to stop this behaviour and be faithful to you. We wish you well in your confrontation and hope he repents but if he doesn't or won't what have you got left but to follow through?
|
|
|
20th October 2011, 10:06 AM
|
#18
|
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
|
Re: Help!!
I think the victims win in the end hunny. We get peace of mind , which is more valuable than you realise , we get the chance to meet someone who truly loves , respects and values us .
Yes, the end of a marriage is a difficult thing to go through but that is temporary . I'm 5 years down the line from splitting with my cheating ex , I'm engaged to a man now who truly is a wonderful, faithful and loving person. I went through hell with my ex but have come out smiling in the end.
It's not until after the dust settles that you realise just what a strain having an unfaithful , lying partner is .
He may , once confronted , show remorse and beg for forgiveness . In that case he would need to prove he can be trusted . No more dating sites, no more hiding debts . He'd need to come clean about everything he did 3 years ago too. If he doesn't then he has no respect for you and you really are better off without him in your life.
|
|
|
21st October 2011, 12:10 AM
|
#19
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
Thankyou Helen that is reassuring . I think I have my head together x
|
|
|
21st October 2011, 09:01 PM
|
#20
|
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
|
Re: Help!!
Stand firm hunny, and remember you aren't the one in the wrong . Good luck x
|
|
|
21st October 2011, 09:16 PM
|
#21
|
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
|
Re: Help!!
I know what you mean though hunny. My husband felt bad and guilty even though his ex had found another man, had an affair and was herself divorcing HIM. He still felt as if he had failed. Now I have managed to enable him to see that it was not him who failed, but her, and he can see that now.
God Bless
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 02:03 PM
|
#22
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
I showed my husband today the proof I had of his affair. Apparently he knew u knew, if that makes sense.
I was all geared up to end our marriage, now I have confronted him I don't know what to do. My head says he is a lying ,cheating #### but my heart won't let me take the next step . He said he wll leave quietly, I expected him to fight fir me I guess, .
I didn't know how I would cope with this , bravado was to hate him for his affair and being keloid of their relationship. But when it comes down to it I am still stuck in the middle, why is this so???
I knew I would be so dilly dally which was why I couldn't confront him before.
My head won't forgive him and my heart won't let go .
Why am I so pathetic???
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 04:31 PM
|
#23
|
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
|
Re: Help!!
Hi
I don't think you're pathetic at all.
Divorce..It isn't for the fainthearted.
Sometimes, it's much easier to remain in denial for so long when there's something as serious as your h having an affair. Having an affair doesn't automatically mean you would need to break up. This can be a tough wake up call, to sort out your marriage. If he wants to stay married, then he would need to stop looking outside to meet his needs and you'd need to find ways to meet his needs and vice versa if that makes any sense? It depends on his willingness to make changes. Surely, he can't keep diverting his attention to else where whilst he's still married.
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 06:31 PM
|
#24
|
Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
|
Re: Help!!
That's exactly what he is doing Chamomile.
He has called you bluff Hunny and you are backing down. Obviously threats of leaving are no threat and he has offered to leave rather than give up on his other life. Maybe that was your chance to say go on then.
I think you cannot face change and are inclined to put up with it for an easy life. Obviously it would be a wrench but at least you would not be living a lie. A marriage is a sham when one goes and has an affair when they want.
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 07:10 PM
|
#25
|
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
|
Re: Help!!
Hi Raymond
Are you saying Hunny's h wants to continue to go on having a double life?
I guess it depends on what Hunny wants, to my mind. Knowing she's recovering from cancer, then she might not want anything drastic in her present time.
I have to say though. I get to read many couples who are leading a very unhappy marriage. I think that's their choice either to stay or go imho. Some ppl can't simply afford to have a divorce as they have children etc. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. But that's just a reality many people live in.
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 07:22 PM
|
#26
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
Hi Raymond
What you say is totally right! I am so weak and pathetic, and took his bluff. Why am I so pathetic and not strong enough to walk away. When he came home I wanted to talk, he said no he had enough. When I challenged him about the posts he had written about his" girlfriend" and about joining a dating site, he said it was all jokes. He said he wanted us to go ahead with a divorce cus he was fed up of this, though I hadn't mentioned anything fir a long time.
I felt like I hit a brick wall, I fell for his bluff. I know he is lying but I believed him that u see it wrongly.
Why am I so stupidly gullable,
Chamomile, I have been the ideal wife in many ways and more, and he still strays .xx
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 07:42 PM
|
#27
|
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
|
Re: Help!!
Hi Hunny
You shouldn't beat yourself too hard.
I'm sure your h recognizes his trespasses even if he would not admit it openly.
You say, you get along with him well. So in certain level, things are working well between you. In a way, no wonder you would prefer to continue. There is nothing wrong with that, to my mind. You love him. I would be surprised if he actually would want a divorce unless he fell in love with someone else. Is this what you are facing at the moment?
Sorry I'm a bit slow to catch up with the whole story at the moment.
I know someone (wife) whose h commits adultery. Each time he gets found out then his wife punishes him by making excessive purchases to "get even". This sounds really crazy but apparently, they are not planning to break up and are trying to work on their marital problem..As I said, would he be willing to discard everything you and your h had built up together all these years?
Somehow, I'd doubt that.
|
|
|
27th October 2011, 08:11 PM
|
#28
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
I am torn, so torn! U know he is lying, I know he won't confess so to speak . If anything as u predicted I am the bast in this for bringing up something that happened 3 yes ago even though I only found out recently , his words. He asked why I had to bring it up again and the posts he wrote were jokes and the match .com thing was just messing about.
Truly for my age I should be able to bf clear cut with this, I am so immature at design with this . My head says get out my heart days wait a bit, but I know he is lying!!!
|
|
|
28th October 2011, 07:22 AM
|
#29
|
Guest
|
Re: Help!!
Dammed if I do, Dammed if I don't !
I am sorry for wasting everyones time and patience. Your advice is sound and real and true.
I find myself no nearer to a solution to this.
After confronting him yesterday with the , what I felt was conclusive evidence he had an affair , he said they were lies and he said things as a joke, he seemed so angry and posative it threw me off guard and I thought, what if he is telling me the truth.
The next morning I still have this pain in my heart saying he has been unfaithful, why can't you see he is lying you stupid women. The pain won't go away because something doesn't feel right. I should put up and shut up, which is what I dud for a long time, now I feel like some stupid pathetic women seeking attention.
Someone said am I afraid of change, having been a widow at 30 and remarried, yes I am afraid of change again but I am just as afraid of being made a fool of too.
I live in the country with my husband and son, my other 3 sons live away, uni and own lives. I have no friends or other relatives so I guess my husband is my whole life and if we were not together I lose my world. In the same breath my world has betrayed me and I can't shake off that feeling after reading the posts he wrote about his girlfriend.
So you see no one can help me, I am my own worst enemy and making life difficult for all around me, I ask for advice , I take it and then faced with a different situation I bottle it.
He won't ever tell the truth, the posts were written 3years ago, though I only found them this year, I just look like a board house wife dragging up the past .
Dammed if I stay, Dammed if I go/ worry if he is telling the truth and worry that he is lying to me.
So sorry I am a hopeless case. Hunnymunster uk
|
|
|
28th October 2011, 08:59 AM
|
#30
|
Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
|
Re: Help!!
Hunny if I or my wife went on a dating site it would be a massive thing and a lot of questions would be raised. He thinks it is just a bit of fun. With his past history you can bet there is a lot more in it. He is totally wrong and has lost your trust. Marriage does not work without trust. It doesn't matter how long ago his adultery was if he hasn't repented to you over it the damage remains. This isn't marriage as it was meant to be.
As you know your confrontations do not produce much as you lack the conviction and are not prepared to put him to the test. I think until you are ready to risk that he will treat your confrontations with contempt, as he is doing.
Make no mistake about it. You are in the right and he is in the wrong. He has forsaken his marriage vows whatever he says. He has allowed inroads into his marriage and weakened it. For a marriage to be happy it needs to be sacrosanct. All sex should only be between you two. That rules out affairs, porn and a lot of other things. It sounds to me like he has contempt for the idea of marriage and faithfulness which makes it rather impossible to have a happy marriage. A clear case of him having his cake and eating it.
|
|
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:16 AM.
|
|