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Old 23rd October 2011, 01:57 PM   #1
118396
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Unhappy Selfish husband

I need to rant. My husband and I don`t get time to ourselves or just with each other and it`s creating such a stressful situation. We don`t live near family and we can`t find a babysitter. So recently, after many fights, we came up with a plan, 1st week is mine, 2nd week is for kids, 3rd week is husbands, 4th week is kids, and rotate again.
Today was my week, I wanted to take the kids to the museum and not have to cook or clean. I ended up cooking a lunch cause the kids were hungry and hubby was doing his own thing. Museum went fine, although hubby complained a bit... but it`s our first try at this so I can let that slide and relax. Dinner we ate out, and on our way back hubby says, Lets put the kids to bed and watch a movie together. Great!
But when we get back he sits in front of the telly... what happened to "put the kids in bed"??? So when itgets past their bed time, I put them in bed and read their story, goodnight. Then I find hubby on the PC playing his internet games (He didn`t even say Goodnight to the kids).. "Weren`t we going to watch a movie?" I ask and he replies, "I don`t feel like watching a movie, I feel like playing." and we`re arguing again.
We are both stressed and tired. Why can`t we just give ONE DAY of the month to each other??? Why does every weekend have to be about him doing the minimal? Should I just keep trying or is it just worthless?
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Old 23rd October 2011, 03:53 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: Selfish husband

Greetings,
It seems that the new agreement did not change a thing for you, but rather, challenged your husband to "agree" to pull himself out of his comfort zone for you and the family....that is something he is not used to doing...a selfishness he drifted into over time as the children came along and as you stepped up to the plate for the sake of them.

This is a bit worrisome because years down the road, if this daily grind does not change, you will drift further apart, become resentful, and one of you will likely look for excitement and fulfillment outside the marriage and then wonder what happened to create that crisis.

I would give it a few cycles...when it gets to his "turn", go all out and make sure to do what you agreed on so he can see how it is supposed to work...meanwhile you are going to have to remind him (like a child) at every turn, exactly what he was agreeing to do when it is someone else's turn. You might sound like a nag if you are not careful in how you frame your words...but remind him that for every time he has to be corrected, that it is an indication of each time that he is failing to think of anyone but himself.

This will likely cause more fights unless HE was serious about making the changes too...if he was not serious, and was just caputulating to get you to shut up, that indicates that his heart is no longer into the marriage so much as it is into getting his own fulfillment from it.

You may have to start smaller and build up to more over time...in other words, you may still have to carry the whole load for the children at first (like you have been) and settle for doing things as a couple whenever you can get him to. Remember, if you two eventually divorced, you would still have to do everything for the kids, only he would not be there to help you or share any time together anyway....so maybe you should start smaller and ease him into it.

Last edited by Forever; 23rd October 2011 at 04:07 PM.
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Old 23rd October 2011, 03:54 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Selfish husband

Who is the one working at work and bringing in the money support? Are you both working in that sense?

I do see this getting out of hand if it goes too far. I don't know if the plan is working if this is what happens.
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Old 25th October 2011, 02:50 AM   #4
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Re: Selfish husband

At the moment, he works and brings in the money. (I start work again next year.) It was actually him who came up with the rotation idea.
He`s normally a good father and husband, but about 7 months ago he started night shifts as well as day shifts, (yah, he`s awesome) and has been real stressful and depressed. He does seem to get jealous about him working and me staying at home, but I feel that still doesn`t give him right to leave the all parenting to me. Then again, maybe he`s going through a phase and just needs to be left alone?
I`ll try giving it a few cycles and be sure to go all out on his turn.

Right now he`s not talking to me or the kids. This week I had planned a surprise Sat night for us, weeks ago, (Sun, Halloween, is for kids) he knows about the babysitter cause we talk all finances together, but he doesn`t know where I`m taking him. The way things look he won`t come with me, but I`m sure he`ll appreciate the house to himself. Then next weekend is his turn.
Do you think if I just give him space he`ll come around?

thanks so much for your replies.
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Old 25th October 2011, 06:40 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Selfish husband

Working nights can be extreemly tiring and draining for many people. It mucks your whole body pattern up. Many years ago My son worked night shifts for 2 years. He has never been so ill physically as he was for that time. His immune system went to pot and trying to adjust to normal day time living on his days off was impossible. he felt tired and drained all the time. Once he came off that and got another day time job he improved and got more healthy and was far happier.
It sounds to me as if the same has happened to your husband. He has got stressed and depressed once he started nights. The solution is to stop nights if he can. Is that possible?I think you will find that things will improve if he can.
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Old 25th October 2011, 08:40 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Selfish husband

I think with the children you are both going to have different strengths. Obviously he has far less time than you and this needs to be considered. He does need rest and recreation for his health's sake. However being a workaholic is not helping things.

With me I was the one who took them out to have fun and read stories at night etc. Generally though my wife was the one with them mostly as she didn't have to work outside. She did the shopping, cooking and cleaning although I did a little.

I wouldn't be too hard on your husband he is obviously putting a lot into work. Perhaps too much I feel. The children used to have to go to bed at a reasonable time which gave us a bit of time together most days. When they are a little older they will have more responsibility and can be left more. Maybe it's the bedtimes which are the problem?
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Old 25th October 2011, 10:32 AM   #7
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Re: Selfish husband

No, we keep a good schedule with the kids, in bed at 8, read a story till 8:30 or 9:00.
I can see night shift taking a toll on him, but I never thought it could be that bad. I did ask him before if there was any way the company can change that rule but he said no, and this being the best paycheck he`s gotten, I doubt he`ll change jobs.
Soooo, I guess, if he`s working harder, I can work harder too. I`ll try and have patience till mid next year when I start work, maybe with a dual paycheck he`ll relax a bit and consider getting off night shift.
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Old 25th October 2011, 01:04 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Selfish husband

Yes you may be right about that although your working will produce a new set of challenges. One has to be careful to balance work with the other parts of our life. We all need money to live but to live for money will create a lot of problems.
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Old 25th October 2011, 05:28 PM   #9
Chamomile
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Re: Selfish husband

[QUOTE=118396;66132]No, we keep a good schedule with the kids, in bed at 8, read a story till 8:30 or 9:00.
I can see night shift taking a toll on him, but I never thought it could be that bad. I did ask him before if there was any way the company can change that rule but he said no, and this being the best paycheck he`s gotten, I doubt he`ll change jobs.
Soooo, I guess, if he`s working harder, I can work harder too. I`ll try and have patience till mid next year when I start work, maybe with a dual paycheck he`ll relax a bit and consider getting off night shift.[/QUOTE]

Hi

Do you have a joint account where all his paychecks go in and you know how much money he's been spending?

I agree with Raymond. Not sure how marriage can be improved by "more money" brought in by you. If the main focus in this marriage is more money instead of how you are relating to one another, then, even if you are bringing in more money, that won't fundamentally solve any existing marital problems.

it sounds more like his need for more money is destroying the marriage. He doesn't seem to need you emotionally? Are you sure he's not playing away?
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Old 27th October 2011, 09:13 AM   #10
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Re: Selfish husband

He does have a very contradictory personality. He has a strong need to "make money" but it`s strictly for us as a family, so whether it`s me being the sole provider or him doesn`t matter to him as long as it`s the best option for us as a family. He is definitely very dedicated to us in that way.

Without a doubt, his need for money gets in the way of our marriage. We`ve argued numerous times about him working too much and not spending needed time with me or the kids. When we both work things between us are generally better, ie: he`ll help with cooking, cleaning, etc. He`s less stressed with our finances... which makes a noticeable difference.

We have fun together, we have fun with our kids, in fact it`s time when I see him the happiest, but all of our lives seem to revolve around his current emotional state. I think that`s exactly what the problem is! If he`s in the mood to romp around with the kids, bake a cake, go to a friends house, or do his own thing, then that`s what we`ll do. I hate going out in the cold, I get asthma when the cold air hits my lungs, BUT I`ve never turned down my kids and husband asking me to come to the park with them. He does make compromises for us, but it`s rare, and it sometimes leaves the kids crying... and that`s just so wrong.

Years and years we`ve argued about this but he says he feels like he`s the one who`s giving more and I am the one taking from him. The other day I was thinking about that; I`m always asking him to get off his internet gaming, he`s sitting there ignoring me. All these years I`m thinking he`s not listening to my needs, while he`s sitting there thinking the EXACT SAME thing.

That one day that was `my day/turn` when he came back and sat at the PC, if I put myself in his shoes, he was probably hoping to watch that movie but when it came time... that was it, that whole day was all he could take and he needed a break.

I`ve always pestered him and that still hasn`t worked so I`m going to let him have all the space he needs. If he eventually gets bored of being alone, then fantastic, he`ll realize, all on his own too, that he needs and wants his family and if he realizes that just being-left-alone was what he was looking for in life then so be it. I`ll deal with that when it happens. I`ll still try our rotation thing a few times, but during the week when he comes back from work, I just don`t want to get disappointed or have to argue any more.

Whew, good chat Pray for me and thanks.
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Old 27th October 2011, 10:15 AM   #11
Chamomile
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Re: Selfish husband

[QUOTE=118396;66149]He does have a very contradictory personality. He has a strong need to "make money" but it`s strictly for us as a family, so whether it`s me being the sole provider or him doesn`t matter to him as long as it`s the best option for us as a family. He is definitely very dedicated to us in that way.

Without a doubt, his need for money gets in the way of our marriage. We`ve argued numerous times about him working too much and not spending needed time with me or the kids. When we both work things between us are generally better, ie: he`ll help with cooking, cleaning, etc. He`s less stressed with our finances... which makes a noticeable difference.

He does make compromises for us, but it`s rare, and it sometimes leaves the kids crying... and that`s just so wrong.

Years and years we`ve argued about this but he says he feels like he`s the one who`s giving more and I am the one taking from him. The other day I was thinking about that; I`m always asking him to get off his internet gaming, he`s sitting there ignoring me. All these years I`m thinking he`s not listening to my needs, while he`s sitting there thinking the EXACT SAME thing.

I`ll still try our rotation thing a few times, but during the week when he comes back from work, I just don`t want to get disappointed or have to argue any more.

Whew, good chat Pray for me and thanks.[/QUOTE]

Hi 11896

Of course. You will be in my Prayers and thoughts. :-)
He sounds like he's a Good man generally speaking. He doesn't drink too much or he doesn't gamble etc.

Some men seem to be so driven to make more money. Maybe, that's a hunter gatherer thing, to feed and take care of the family? Also, men do need his time and his space to himself & some men even have a garden shed (or man shed? lol) where he can do his own things to please himself.

You have analyzed and assessed your situation yourself very well there. Perhaps you also know all the answers as well and you are already thinking of making certain adjustments in your earlier posts.

Men have his emotional needs too. Maybe, he may be craving for these to be met but not able to ask? Have you read love languages book yet? "Five languages of love" by Gary Chapman. Find out what your h's love languages are and what yours might be?

Your posts really sound like you two, would need to re-connect, emotionally again. There is another book called "Five languages of children" for the family.

Wishing you all the Best :-)
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Old 30th October 2011, 01:24 AM   #12
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Re: Selfish husband

I`ve never heard of those of books, but sound very interesting. I`ll look for them. Thank you.
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Old 30th October 2011, 10:24 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Selfish husband

I thought about the Love Language book as well. He thinks he is meeting your needs but is giving out in the love language he needs not what you need. We tend to love in our own love language and not the others and then think we have met their need.

Love language is just the way we perceive love in a special way. There are only five of them and one of them basically will be our first love language. They are, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts (the thought that counts) act of service and touch (not talking about sex here, more hugs, holding hands etc.)

There might be something to learn in that book possible. The author is Gary Chapman.
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Old 15th November 2011, 09:53 AM   #14
beenthere
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Re: Selfish husband

Your husband working to take care of the family is a great thing. There are many house holds where the husband is not working and the wife is bring home the bacon. That in itself adds stress. So, you and your husband have to set aside time to have dates. You need to do some things he like to do and and he need to do the dame for you. If you find him on his computer game often, you see that that is one thing he enjoys doing, so you should learn how to play the game and play with him. You both have to compromise and I am a firm believer that if the husband is working and you are able to stay home he should not have to come home and take care of house work. A mans home is is castle and i feel it should always be in order. Things could be alot worse and you all have time to work things out. Don't argue with him or nag him find out his needs and tell him what your needs are and go from there. But you all should have a date night at least once a month if possible and take turns planning it and make it a competition. Try to out do each other. In between time spend times with the kids and remember because of his schedule he may not be able to all the time and don't hold it against him because he is trying to provide for his family and just hope, pray and trust that God will work out your husband schedule.
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