A bizarre tale, which I didn't think I would be in until today!!

[Jambomc77]

Thank you all very much for your posts, which are all really thought provoking! We've had our first joint counselling session, and it served to support what was already discussed. I guess the next one will be trickier as delve into more of the substance. Of note, my wife agreed to email the other bloke using plain straightforward text . Interestingly his response came back quickly and my wife told me. We read it together and the bloke went on the offensive ('I have never harassed you', ' I will inform my solicitor of the contents of this slanderous email and will keep it for the future to ensure protect myself, 'I will never contact you again so do not contact me'). What does everyone read out from that? Interestingly, I had thought that he'd always been the initiator but it transpires that on at least two recent occasions, she emailed him first. Does that fall into the fantasy thing or should I be further concerned?

Again, I'm really grateful for your help with this torrid issue

[ronnoco]

Hello,

Glad you are continuing to work on things.

It sounds like an odd thing for him to write in my opinion. It's tricky as the trust between you and your wife has been broken so you don't know what to believe any more.

For all you know, they have may have arranged that e-mail to try and put you off the trail. It's a very "that's the end of it" message from him. Odd to start mentioning Solicitors too.

I'm sure he wasn't all to blame, it's takes 2 to Tango. I'm sure your wife's infatuation made her want to contact him. The thrill of the chase, forbidden fruit, living in the clouds, not real life, etc - it's all very common behavior. She'll realise one day how stupid she was.

I would say your only option is to trust her. Forgive and try to forget. Let her earn your trust back and win you over. If it turns out she has lied to you and is playing you for a fool, drastic action will have to take place.

Good luck.

[Raymond]

Whatever the wrong and right of it she has closed it it appears. He is upset and doesn't want to speak to her ever again. That is a good outcome and that's how you want it. I would believe the best unless you know any different. It might be in place to thank her as it was probably a hard thing to do even though she ought to have done it morally speaking.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Jambomc77

Thank you all very much for your posts, which are all really thought provoking! We've had our first joint counselling session, and it served to support what was already discussed. I guess the next one will be trickier as delve into more of the substance. Of note, my wife agreed to email the other bloke using plain straightforward text . Interestingly his response came back quickly and my wife told me. We read it together and the bloke went on the offensive ('I have never harassed you', ' I will inform my solicitor of the contents of this slanderous email and will keep it for the future to ensure protect myself, 'I will never contact you again so do not contact me'). What does everyone read out from that? Interestingly, I had thought that he'd always been the initiator but it transpires that on at least two recent occasions, she emailed him first. Does that fall into the fantasy thing or should I be further concerned?

Again, I'm really grateful for your help with this torrid issue

He does have a point doesn't he. They were both willing parties to this relationship, and then he gets a message telling him not to harass her or else, with threats, when he wasn't even doing that. I can understand why he was defensive, especially when she was chasing him as much as he was her. People whose spouses act badly like this always like to think that the other person was all to blame, but that's not the case of course.

I am sure he will stop contact now and hopefully she will too.

This story (pardon the expression) is very common....

This has happened to all of us at one stage of our lives. If not it will happen if it hasnt happened yet. It does not need to be a lover too.

I agree that all contact must be cut off with this man. But be honest to yourself and think about this. Do you really trust her? You have already questioned if she would create anither email address without you knowing (this is when I stopped reading on). Will it stop there? Will there also be a spare sim card or fake profile on facebook?

I think that the question really is if you trust her now that you know all this. As chosen and raymond know, I have had a hard time trusting myself. All because I had to find out mys3lf and press for answers. But are you satisfied with the answers? If not then the problems may have just started. Maybe it is a warning sign for you both thqt something is wrong. My personal opinion is that you should cut off the problem and hope everything will be ok. You should find out what the nature of the problem is and why it got to this stage, then you can solve the issues tog3ther.

But most importantly, only you know how you feel about this and only know deep down what feels right and wrong..

I hope this makes sense... (but mayhe not)

Originally Posted by chosen

I am sure he will stop contact now and hopefully she will too.

If they are still at it then it will never stop. You can't beat it but it can beat you down to the ground. G3t marriage counselling together and if she refuses then you will have your answer....

Sorry jam, I didn't read the whole post. Ke3p up with the meetings and work on it.

Good luck

Originally Posted by John_agape

I agree with Chosen, but would like to add a thought on the concept of love.

When we fall in love we actually fall into infatuation and/or lust. Love is something that can only develop over time through bonding. Love does not happen instantly; infatuation and lust can be instant. Friends can develop love for each other as they get to know each other on a deeper level.

With infatuation, this is a state in which we bond. We can be passionately obsessed with our partner, helping the bonding process. Sooner or later this infatuation fades, and we are either left in love, where we continue to deepen our bond with each other, or in a loveless "What happened?" type confusion.

Lust is also an intense emotion, but this often fades at some point.

When a person confuses the feelings of lust, infatuation and love we can have a problem.

I'm sure you're right. Sadly, in modern relationships, going out of "lust" means they are "not in love". A v good post, thank you.

Hey, I agree with you, pmsc.

"Once a cheater..." comes to my mind. If husband is away regularly and if there are problems (underlying problems), people tend to play this sort of game to numb themselves. Some people need this sort of fun / distraction from the reality so that people can continue in marriage (with problems). It sounds like this lady is capable of telling what her husband wants to hear and all she does would be to wait until her husband goes away again to resume her games.

Originally Posted by Jambomc77

I guess it's a really fine balance but how can I ever trust her again when she has bare faced lied to me and been fundamentally deceitful.

Jambomc

That IS the thing. I'm sure your wife "loves" you in her own way but she obviously needed that sort of attention from someone else / a man / it could be anyone if it was not this particular guy. He simply happened to be there - nothing special in my opinion, a sad, pathetic man who had no integrity and he was after someone else's wife.

Once trust is broken like this, you may need to ask yourself some serious questions. Loads of emails, fantasy man, secrets etc...it's not good and nice women who are in love with their husband wouldn't even consider doing. The major problem as far as I can see is that this incident showed her true character which you previously never noticed. Do you trust her? Personally, I wouldn't.