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Old 25th January 2014, 09:00 PM   #46
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thank you Chosen, I hope that all works out to be true and he adjusts to his new like okay.

Funnily enough, my ex comes from a very religious background. Both Grandfathers are ministers, and his Mother is a Church leader. He himself believes in a higher power but doesn't adhere to any specific ideas on it.

Given the disruption to my son, I wont be in a hurry to get married or move in with anyone
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Old 25th January 2014, 09:42 PM   #47
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I think God is very wise when He says that we should only be with other Christians. I have three close friends who are married to non believers, and they long to be able to share their faith with them. Its like you are both going in different directions.
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Old 25th January 2014, 09:52 PM   #48
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Hey VSL,

Things don't always work out how we want in life but at least now, you can concentrate on yourself and your son. It's going to be tough, there is no doubt about that but you'll get through it - I promise you, you will.

In a way, you might feel like a weight has been lifted of your shoulders because there's nothing worse than being in limbo. I remember that feeling and it's terrible - literally like a lamb waiting for the slaughter.

A good Christian at work told me some great advice. He said take each day 1 day at a time. If you have a good day, hold on to it, enjoy it, make the most of it! If you have a bad day, let it go, forgot it and hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day. To start, you will have far more bad days than good, but as time goes by, the good days will out weight the bad. Things can only get better and they will.

Focus on you and your son and building a life of happiness for you both. This is not your fault. You haven't let anyone down. You have done your absolute best and it life, that's all we can do.

Last edited by ronnoco; 25th January 2014 at 10:00 PM.
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Old 25th January 2014, 10:33 PM   #49
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thank you Ronnoco, what you said about limbo was very true. I feel a weight off. I'm free now to grieve knowing the situation instead of waiting.

I feel guilty for dropping this on him now, but he did not want me to be a real part of his recovery and I can't live with half a relationship considering all the other things I need to deal with and adjust to.

Was thinking tonight that I needed to get my teeth cleaned. occur to me I no longer have a dentist, or a doctor, or a hairdresser, or an address...or really anything at all that was my life before. Myself and my son feel like refugees of a kind.

I will be relieved to eventually set up home again, get our things out of storage. We came away two months ago with one suitcase between us.

I'm so sorry you have all been through hurtful broken relationships too, but it's such an amazing kindness to share your wisdom learned from it with others.
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Old 26th January 2014, 10:31 AM   #50
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Often its those who have been through painful things who can help others the most.

Yes it will be good for you both to put down roots and settle. Maybe find a good welcoming church as well.
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Old 26th January 2014, 11:08 AM   #51
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I'm just reading all this. It is very sad but I believe you have made the right decision VSL. Part of marriage is being vulnerable to the other who will see your good parts and bad parts. When his bad part happened it seemed he seperated and cut himself off. That shows where the commitment was at the bottom level. We can put on a show with others but we have to be real with out spouses. It seems he did not let you into his weaknesses or discussed them with you. Without that sharing when the going got tough gives me doubts about whether a marriage would have survived with him. I know he had strengths as well but the kind of weakness he displays now could have been a marriage breaker later.
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Old 26th January 2014, 03:21 PM   #52
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

That's an incredibly good point Raymond.

If they had have been married, I suspect he would have done the same thing.

He sounds like someone of good character, integrity and morals but unfortunately, sometimes, a persons past can dictate their entire future if issues are left not addressed. I think that could be what has happened here.
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Old 26th January 2014, 05:00 PM   #53
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

He's working on that exact issue in counselling. He recognises none of it would have happened if he'd talked to me. I think he just learned from childhood and a marriage where he was scared of his wife not to talk about anything.

It's a shame.
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Old 26th January 2014, 06:17 PM   #54
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post
He's working on that exact issue in counselling. He recognises none of it would have happened if he'd talked to me. I think he just learned from childhood and a marriage where he was scared of his wife not to talk about anything.

It's a shame.
That's interesting because my husband found it hard to talk to his ex as well because of her angry reactions when he bought up anything he wasn't happy about. Eventually he more or less stopped trying to tell her how he felt, and I did notice for a long time that he struggled with doing the same with me, even though we were always pretty open with each other. It has got better as time has passed.
It must be awful to actually be scared of the person you are married to, but sometimes people will use anger to control people and my ex could do that quite effectively as well, meaning that we all walked round on eggshells rather than upset or annoy him.
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Old 26th January 2014, 06:33 PM   #55
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Yes, exactly that. He learned not to talk as a child because he was in boarding school and his family were repressed, then the woman he married got extremely angry at even the slightest thing.

I once saw her not talk to him for three months because we let her son watch a movie she thought was unsuitable (It was a 12 and he was 7 and she frequently let him watch movies of the same rating herself!!) . She once stopped their son coming for weekends with us because my son taught him a swear word.

It really was just constant mental aggression that was so unfair on him. She was fine with me, but with him it was like she sensed his weakness and enjoyed it.

He said being with me was a relief because I never got angry and he felt he could tell me anything. He told me a lot of stuff he'd never been able to tell her, like stories of dappling with drugs in his youth etc. that he felt she would have disapproved of. I'm not judgemental so just enjoyed his openness.

He became accustomed so hiding a significant part of himself in every aspect of his life from childhood until now, and that is what stopped him from reaching out for support when he felt unable to cope.

I think he actually found it so hard to verbally express this sort of thing that he actually could not even express it internally in his mind. He had no interior dialogue he says. He didn't actually know what bad shape he was in. Counselling will help with that.

If he can't work out in his own head why he feels bad...how can he tell his spouse?

I do feel bad as I am typing all this, as none of it was probably his fault, but as everyone says at base level he ran out on his commitment and that I the part that I can't cope with. He wants me to wait for him, but does not want me around. He wants me to not be with anyone else, but he doesn't want us to be a couple. He wants me to support him, but also to do this with no commitment from him that we are still a team.

If he wanted me to play a role in any of this, and to be a proper part of his life I would sacrifice whatever and find the strength to be there for him, but I just can't do it and stay sane myself just now.

If he comes back later, after counselling, after sorting out his communication issues then we will see what happens. There is a lot of mess to sort out.
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Old 26th January 2014, 07:06 PM   #56
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

To be honest, how can you possible support him when he refuses to have you there? OK he made a terrible mistake by leaving you all and abandoning you to your fate, but that's no reason to reject you now and to carry on saying that you cant see him or help him. If you had been married would he have done the same?

I think you have made that decision to end it and for your own sanity that's what you need to do. If in the future you do meet someone else then of course he cant expect you not to go out with them. Are you still having contact with him now or have you cut off contact?
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Old 26th January 2014, 07:34 PM   #57
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

(Before I ended it) His general plan on it is that I support him by being there on the phone, Skype, email for the time being. That we visit with each other once a month. That once I move back closer to him that this turns into every weekend eventually. And during this process he deals alone with the emotional fallout from the pain he has been burying for 10 years. That he goes through counselling and learns to communicate, comes back to me better, stronger and whole.

He is asking me to wait. I don't know how I am expected to grieve or process anything if he has me somewhere between being a nobody and being his partner. He surely has to pick one or the other.

(After I ended it) I don't know what the contact will be. In an ideal world there would be none. It would be easier for me to just forget in a way.

The trouble is, he is very ill, so if he wants to talk to me, it feels like the wrong thing to do to refuse. He's in a really bad place. I know the right thing to do is to be there for him and to not make him feel like I abandoned him at his worst moment. on the other hand, maybe he won't want to talk to me. We will see what happens on the next few days.

What you say is right...there is no reason to reject me now. I have read this is not that uncommon with breakdowns and severe depression. There is a whole website dedicated to men who have done this to their wives. What a sad illness to suck all the love out of people

Last edited by verysadlady; 26th January 2014 at 07:39 PM.
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Old 26th January 2014, 08:19 PM   #58
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I feel that if you have ended it you need to not have contact, or how will you be able to move on and recover yourself? It may only prolong the hurt for you both. He seems to have friends (you said that he has one of them there this weekend) and presumably some family, and he is getting medical support now, so he isnt alone. What I dont get is that if he can have his friend stay, then why cant you?

When I had a breakdown, I never felt the need to leave my husband or children. In fact, what would have happened to them if I had? I felt like curling up under the duvet and never coming out, but I had three young children who needed me to be there for them. Goodness knows how I did it, but I carried on looking after then while feeling so terrible. Maybe men are different?
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Old 26th January 2014, 08:28 PM   #59
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Chosen he says I CAN stay...I was supposed to be going in a couple of weeks to spend a week with him. He just wants visits. He doesn't want me to move in to the same town and he definitely doesn't want me to move into the same house.

I don't know chosen. I have read so many stories similar to mine. If they, for whatever reason perceive you to be an additional responsibility, or if they in some way feel being with you is an emotional drain they can be caused to run completely from their lives like this.

I have read stories of perfectly normal women with good careers and loving families who have post natal depression that makes them feel like they do not want to be around their baby. So powerful can this disease be.

My therapist asked me to try and separate the man from the illness. It can feed them with very negative and distorted thoughts.

I have spent a lot of time researching it and his story does add up. It's just that it doesn't make the practicalities of dealing with it any more reasonable for me.

I agree we will heal better with no contact. However, I'd feel wrong about requesting it. he is ill, so if he wants to speak to me, I will speak and try and maintain some emotional distance. At least now I will not be waiting for him to be anything other than detached so it will hurt me much less.
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Old 26th January 2014, 10:45 PM   #60
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

So you will have contact after all when he needs it. At least by telephone and maybe writing or e mail. Personally I don't think you should even think of moving in. One you are not married to him and have no commitment of a marriage. Two I think you need that healthy boundary. You may decide it is better to move on. You sound unsure at the moment so it is much better to not even think of moving in with him. I think it will be using you without making any commitment to you. You need to keep that boundary for your healths sake and also I would add your faiths sake?

I think this is a culmination of his upbringing and also his keeping bad boundaries. I don't like the word disease personally. There are things he needs to unlearn. It is possible good may come out of this in the long run but he would need to learn to operate in a completely different way. If he has any faith that would be invaluable.

I had a breakdown in my twenties. Was completely isolated within myself having no family to speak of. I was a broken man really and didn't have the wherewithal within me to even relate properly to people generally. It was really a culmination of the way I thought and behaved. I would have good periods but there was no root there to get through things so I would withdraw. Most on here know what happened and I don't want to preach, but faith became the absolute thing I could rely on. I really thank God for taking this deadenders life and making something glorious out of it. He can mend things that are unmendable in the natural.
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