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Old 24th January 2014, 09:17 PM   #31
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Interesting that the panic attacks stopped when he left.
The therapist I was seeing for them said it wasn't uncommon for a big shock or trauma to cause this type of thing.

In my mind, I started to feel anxiety and just thought "well this already happened....how can I fear anything else" and just that thought took all the fear away from me.
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Old 24th January 2014, 11:04 PM   #32
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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The therapist I was seeing for them said it wasn't uncommon for a big shock or trauma to cause this type of thing.

In my mind, I started to feel anxiety and just thought "well this already happened....how can I fear anything else" and just that thought took all the fear away from me.
I see. I used to get them before and after I had my break down. If you get them again try breathing into a paper bag a few times. Also not fighting it helps, just letting it flow over you, and realising that you are not going to die despite what you feel.
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Old 24th January 2014, 11:07 PM   #33
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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No Chosen, but he went away to school (boarding school) from the age of 9 so he learned pretty young to keep his feelings to himself. He was bullied in school, could not get a girlfriend, was not picked for the sports teams etc. He became a people pleaser and an academic to "get along" in life I think.

His family are very nice, good people, but also they are a little cold and don't discuss anything deep. He always acts like a different person when we visit his family. Like he is trying to impress them. It's strange.

He then married his first girlfriend at 17, while still in school, and she was very domineering. She is also very cold, does not discuss things.

He is almost 40 now, and if she would text him saying "we need to talk" or something he would be visibly shaken by it. She was very passive aggressive. When they were married, If he hugged her, she just stood there with her arms by her side. It was a very bad life he had for 15 years but he is such a nice guy that he would not really acknowledge that he is angry with her. All he would say is "she's not a bad person".

Even when she moved her boyfriend into their home with their son. He cried one night for 5 minutes and after that never had a bad word to say about either of them.

Sometimes you just have to get angry in life.
Yes, anger itself isnt wrong, its what we do with it that makes it right or wrong.
What treatment is he getting for all this?
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Old 25th January 2014, 12:07 AM   #34
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

He's getting counselling. I called around all of them and found one that has experience with this sort of breakdown. She has been great so far but he's only had two sessions. It took him a long while to be stable enough.

He's on anti depressants, but again, only started three weeks ago. It took a long, long time for him to actually admit he needed help.

In the midst of the worst of it because he had left me, I couldn't help him. I called his Mother (who always treated me like a daughter prior to this) and told her "look he is having a breakdown please get him to doctor" but she ignored me, because I think she assumed there was no way this was possible and she thought maybe it was me clutching at straws.

It took a long time for him to admit it to himself, and now he has told everyone else in his life. For a while there I felt like they all though I was the one having the breakdown! It was horrible.

I read that walking helps, so I asked him to walk every day for 30 minutes and most days he does it. I also called our friends and have asked them to get him exercising, so one friend has him swimming once a week and another is cycling with him. On the days he exercises he's noticeably better.

This post might have made me sound like a busybody, but I was trying to help him. There have been days where he is so depressed that he stays in bed the whole day, doesn't eat, doesn't wash, doesn't go to work or even call in sick...for him this is incredibly abnormal behaviour. He's usually Mr Reliable. Hearing him in that state and being hundreds of miles away is very stressful. I worry something will happen to him.

This weekend he has a friend staying, so I feel glad for that. He wants to be alone but also is very lonely. Catch 22
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Old 25th January 2014, 12:46 AM   #35
toellandback
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Your words are very kind. Chosen and Raymond helped me so much. I am not one for excessive emotion. But they both changed my life. Simply by answering. I'm not a believer in one god. But I believe in the power of good. Of love. I hope love and your beliefs bring you through
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Old 25th January 2014, 01:11 AM   #36
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I'm glad they helped you too Barry. In your post you sounded very deeply emotional. Give yourself more credit Most men (or even women) could not type something so lovely.

You have all helped me so much. I can't believe how kind you all are to strangers to give so much attention.

I'm sad many of you have been through marriage problems of you own. I always wonder why sometimes such good people who want to work hard at their relationships have these problems. I suppose life was never supposed to be easy.

I will keep coming back here and reading these messages in my weakest moments and will try and keep faith. I'll pray too.

xx
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Old 25th January 2014, 11:03 AM   #37
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

When he is a little better VSL I would suggest the boundary book if you can. It is great that you are praying. I assume you are in a good christian fellowship? That can be invaluable.

I think he will recover but you have to be patient. Practical things like walking, swimming and cycling that you suggested do play their part. I never let up on those things including tennis on Saturdays. True they are only physical but being fit does affect our mind and emotions in a healing way I believe. Ultimately God is the healer but we have our part to play as well by taking care of our bodies.
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Old 25th January 2014, 11:38 AM   #38
Baldyman999
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Hi vsl just to say thanks to Ronnoco for linking my post and I would like to tell you it does get easier I myself had that security happiness and a loving wife but then it was all taken away when she left me, at first it was all my fault the children will be fine etc etc I punished myself for months not eating etc before I realised with the help from people on here that you can only be responsible for your own happiness and that you have to work on that and doing your best with the children to provide stability for them. Me and wife are talking better than we ever did and believe me she has hurt me and continues to do so. The other day she posted on fb how her brother was so remarkable for beating alcoholism for most his life. I bring up her son and do all I can for my children and it goes unnoticed but the more I react the worse it is so now I don't look for any praise recognition or otherwise I do it for me. If you work on being happy yourself if they come back you are happy anyway and if they don't you are still happy so it's a win win situation as they say get a life it's usually what turns things around for you and let him know you will be there to listen and help if he wants it otherwise he has to do it on his own. He actually sounds like me a soft touch, walked all over and sometimes who you are today can be governed by your chilhood. Get support from people they are your lifeline I know how you feel.
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Old 25th January 2014, 11:50 AM   #39
Baldyman999
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

It may be worth looking at mid life crisis sites I put some info on my post as when at mid life they start to look back at childhood etc He does sound very much like me with a lot of childhood issues I have never been told of either parent they love me and have never had a hug of them in my life. It affects you most at this stage in your life as it has me I am now receiving counselling and have broke the cycle regarding my own children as I tell them they are loved everyday it can be done it's no good being a prisoner to the past. My wifes childhood traumas have played a big part in her departure.
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Old 25th January 2014, 01:17 PM   #40
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I am sorry to say that I ended it today.

After spending four days crying and being unable to stop, I just could not take anymore. I think after 10 weeks of going through this hell I just reached my own limit, where like you say Barry I wanted to lay down and give up.

I had the most wonderful caring man, probably the only person in the world I completely trusted, but he walked out on me and our family and started a new life without even talking to me. I do understand depression and breakdowns make you do funny things- but I also believe that somewhere in there the depth of his love and commitment must have been lacking to have done this.

For whatever his weaknesses, he took way my home, my family, my financial stability, my security and my best friend and partner all on the same day. He took away my son's home too, his Dad, his brother and the life and future we had is all gone now. I have to start all over again, and didn't even get any warning at all. It's just too much to put a person through.

It's not that I don't forgive. I do. I have never shouted at him or tried to hurt him back. It's just that I don't want to always have to be around someone who did these things to me.

If he is / was sick, I would have looked after him, but he never gave me the chance.
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Old 25th January 2014, 02:15 PM   #41
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post
I am sorry to say that I ended it today.

After spending four days crying and being unable to stop, I just could not take anymore. I think after 10 weeks of going through this hell I just reached my own limit, where like you say Barry I wanted to lay down and give up.

I had the most wonderful caring man, probably the only person in the world I completely trusted, but he walked out on me and our family and started a new life without even talking to me. I do understand depression and breakdowns make you do funny things- but I also believe that somewhere in there the depth of his love and commitment must have been lacking to have done this.

For whatever his weaknesses, he took way my home, my family, my financial stability, my security and my best friend and partner all on the same day. He took away my son's home too, his Dad, his brother and the life and future we had is all gone now. I have to start all over again, and didn't even get any warning at all. It's just too much to put a person through.

It's not that I don't forgive. I do. I have never shouted at him or tried to hurt him back. It's just that I don't want to always have to be around someone who did these things to me.

If he is / was sick, I would have looked after him, but he never gave me the chance.
vsl you are the only one who can know if it was ever to work again, and it sounds as if you have reached your own emotional limit. You have to think of your self, and of course your son, your emotional health and his future stability.

I do wish he would have let you stay close to him and help care for him. That total rejection must have been hard, and not knowing if or when you would ever have had a future again would also have been hard. Even if you did get back together, I expect you may have always been wondering if it may happen again. Its a horrible situation but you have probably made the right decision. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that we have to be reconciled to them.
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Old 25th January 2014, 04:07 PM   #42
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thank you Chosen. Yes, I reached my emotional limit. I hope letting go of the past will make it possible for me to focus on making a future for me and my son x
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Old 25th January 2014, 05:31 PM   #43
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Thank you Chosen. Yes, I reached my emotional limit. I hope letting go of the past will make it possible for me to focus on making a future for me and my son x
Yes I hope so too. As mums we need to put our children first don't we, and if we are the only parent, then its doubly important that we try and keep emotionally healthy for them.(I was a single mum of three for 6 years).
God will bring something good out of a painful situation, He always does.
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Old 25th January 2014, 06:35 PM   #44
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Yes, I was too for five years when my son was born. My first husband left when I was pregnant, but I didn't really love him deeply, so I managed.

I picked a man who was kind, gentle, loving and thoughtful. I thought this would mean a "forever family" but life doesn't always turn out as you expect

I feel very sad for my son now. It does add a new dimension. I feel very guilty, like I didn't pick the right life for him.

He absolutely adored his stepfather and his stepbrother. He wrote a letter to my ex fiance when this first happened. It said "Dear ___, I am doing just fine and having a lovely time visiting Granny and Grandpa, but only one thing is missing and that's my Dad".

It has all been so sad.

I think what I realised today which finally snapped in me is that underneath his breakdown, he got a place for himself with two bedrooms. One for him, one for his birth son.

It no longer included me and my son. Like he did not see us as his "real" family, the way I saw him. It really was this thought alone that made me decide to end it now.

I am sure he loved us, no one is that good an actor, but it boils down to commitment and the people you would never leave. His son was on that list, but not us. Not after 6 years together in a family home.

I know it's not the best time to end things with him so unwell, but I have felt like I might get unwell myself if I don't find some way out of it. it's all well and good being there and being committed "no matter what" but I am sure that is supposed to be a two way street.

I hope something good comes of it. I love this man and our little family more than I ever loved anything in my entire life. And at 36 I am no spring chicken.

Last edited by verysadlady; 25th January 2014 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 25th January 2014, 07:58 PM   #45
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

You are young yet believe me. You are the same age as my son(the eldest).
Don't blame yourself for what your son has lost, we can only do our best to make right decisions and in the end he has a good mum and a family around. Many kids don't even have one good parent.

I would make sure next time that any guy you see is a strong Christian and who wont expect you to live with him before marriage.
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