Wife left without much explanation

[Baldyman999]

Hi All been out for tea bit of talking but she tapped away on her phone a lot, she clicked off the screen as I sat down made a bit of a fumbled effort at going back to home screen. I think it was to test my reaction rather than actually anything as she had at least a couple of minutes as I walked from the bar but chose to do it as I was about to sit down. I actually just ignored it and just made usual conversation, she actually asked about my family and work etc something she hasn't done for a couple of months but I aren't reading anything into it and just enjoyed the food and never talked about our situation. Still in limbo but not to bothered at moment as I am begging to enjoy my life and time with the kids !!

[ronnoco]

Well done BM....you see, you are regaining control of your life. It's so important.

By showing her you are not bothered about the phone stuff shows both trust and that you don't need to know everything she's getting up to which can sometimes be an element of control.

Keep doing this. When you pick up the kids, be happy and smile. Focus on the kids, not her. They will be delighted to see you so give them your attention. She'll be watching....There is no more you can do anyway now, this is not your problem to fix.

Let her see that BM is doing just fine because regardless of what happens.....you will be. Things will always be ok in the end. I have a far better bond with my children now. They tell me they love me all the time, draw my countless pictures, ask when they are seeing me next, etc - it's wonderful. I hope you can continue to have good bonds with your children. After all, when it's all said and done, they come first.

Keep up the good work!

[Baldyman999]

Thanks Ronnoco thanks for that you are right the kids come first my 3 yr old girl was loving me all the way to the meal and I always will do everything I can to make it easier for them, I even kept my lips together when she said I think I will be on my own when I'm old, I would have usually quickly said oh you don't expect us to get back together then but didn't even say a word. She must feel comfortable in my company as she was burping whilst we were sat down, I know it will be a long process but hey I'm going nowhere yet so will ride the storm for now and keep you posted.

[toellandback]

Your last post does you justice BM. I admire what your doing and how you are conducting your life given the circumstances. Your wife probably sees this. Whilst it may not lead to a reunion it is the very best of what you can do. Your a credit to your family.

[Baldyman999]

Thanks Toellandback I get hope from reading what you went through yourself and it all sounds very similar and I know if I don't handle the situation in the right way it can put me back off track of what I hope to achieve. How long was it for you from the initial bomb drop to reconciliation I have read your post but didn't pick up on the time factor for you before it all was back to normal

[toellandback]

I think 3 to 4 months overall BM. The saving grace was my family. I don't know how I would have got through it all otherwise. I clung to this forum too. It helped me so much. Puglove was going through a rough time at the same time and it really helped knowing I wasn't alone even if that sounds selfish. What you must do is be consistent in your behavior now. Don't waver. Or she may see it all as deciet, keep focused mate. Hard as it may be

[Raymond]

I think it is great how you have kept faith with your children BM.

It's funny we have this Avoidant in a relationship course who is learning things about relational intimacy. That is what they are afraid of. He visits his wife in a nursing home but is usually tapping away on his mobile and doesn't really give her much attention. Because of the course he has recognised what he is doing and is now listening to her and making small steps to build up a better relationship. The capacity is there but it gets closed down during childhood because of traumatic parenting.

Your wife tapping away on her phone made me think of that and previous things you said about her. It was a big breakthrough for this chap when he said he was able to cry in front of his group for the first time. He is in his sixties and has left it a bit late but he says things are in colour now instead of black and white.

The love you give your children is very important to countermand stunted emotional growth as well as a host of other things. Good for you BM.

[chosen]

BM you are doing really well, keep it up. When My first marriage ended my whole focus was on my three children and their well being and healing. It paid off because they are all amazing young adults now.

[Baldyman999]

Thanks all for your help and support I have always been a good role model and a fantastic dad but although she will go on Facebook and put how wonderfull her own dad was she has never really ever said how much I have done for them or what a good parent I am and I also run a business with 16 staff so it is really hard work but I get through. Some blokes wouldn't have even changed nappies when they were little and I did all that and more. I'm not sure how it will all turn out as it has been 6 month since the bomb drop and we still seem as distant as then so who knows as I realise the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be for all of us but as I say it's no good flogging a dead horse so other than be my new self I can't do any more. If it is a mid life crisis I would say she is in detachment stage as she has gone through the testing behaviour stuff and can't get a reaction from me anymore so it's pointless. She was a sitting duck for the mlc as she brought her two brothers up from 8 yrs old had two kids to previous partner and then 3 to me so she has never enjoyed her life outside of kids and I think she thought she would leave enjoy her life and be happy but with a limited budget work commitments and other family dramas it's easier said than done.

[Baldyman999]

Also just wanted to say I haven't ruled out an affair and it has crossed my mind as when I met her I had been in a 10 yr relationship and saw my now wife behind her back for 2 yrs but was entirely honest about it all to my now wife but was deceitfully to my ex partner and lived with guilt over it for a long while. It had never been a problem and never really been discussed but while at the marriage guidance with now wife she brought this up and said she hadn't forgotten it. I have wondered since if maybe she was excusing herself doing it. I have asked her outright if there was anyone else involved and she looked me in the eyes and said no it's not about anyone Else I don't need another man in my life so that was subject closed. I couldn't see her having anyone else as it is a small area and she wouldn't be able to have normal relationship like going out seen in public as I know too many people who would say something but I can't 100 per cent rule it out as I would have also said she wouldn't just leave me but I'm sure time will tell.

[Baldyman999]

Hi Barry thanks for your support I do deep down believe I will get her back, I have read your story and get hope from your similar situation and what you are saying is right. I know from when she said that she wanted our 10yr old who lives with me due to him wanting to and is a comfort for me we do everything together and have an unbreakable bond due to the fact he is the double of me in every way his behaviour, he's funny, has little traits, winds people up and an endless list. She said he had to start living with her 4 nights and alternate weekends, instead of my usual don't take him away from me he is happy I said ok he should see you more if you can structure definite nights we are having the children I can join some classes, I have always wanted to do flower arranging as I did all our wedding flowers and because wife didn't think I would get them all done she ordered two table arrangements from florists. The guests and even the florists agreed the ones I had done with two friends helping we're better than the bought ones so is said I was going on a floristry course but since saying it two week ago I have had him every night bar Sunday, I can only presume this is because she knows I will meet other women on this type of course she isn't prepared to risk me going. I am still going to go and am looking at courses at moment, who knows I may open a florists someday as I always said I would and due to being very creative think I would be good at it. She knows I wouldn't be on the market long as I am honest, caring, loving, loyal, hard working, motivated, and a fantastic dad who has been very generous to her deep down she knows I am all she has ever looked for in a man and the things she said were wrong I have changed other than still keeping a lot of clutter but you can't change everything I'd be left with no identity Lol.

[ronnoco]

Hi BM,

It's good that you are thinking about the future with the florist idea and yes, you can't worry about what your wife might think about any aspect of your life. It's ok to have hope BM. I really hope you come back with an ending like Barrie's but don't fixate on this too much. You must remember that she told you she doesn't love you any more, she left you and for no good reason, she has treated you badly with her actions and at 6 months - it's been quite a long time.

I didn't really want to say, but the texting whilst at dinner what a bit suss. I only say this because I discovered there was another man in the picture when I saw my wife texting whilst sitting right next to me a week after we broke up. People who have affairs do become very infatuated to the point where they almost loose control and just can't resist doing certain things. It could be an emotional affair - just because you live in a remote place doesn't mean it can't be kept under wraps. You did this for 2 years after all - different time, different place - i'm not judging i'm just saying don't rule it out. Hopefully she's not and was just texting friends.

I've said this before on here and i'll say it again - it's incredible that women seem to keep leaving the good guys like you and me. I was exactly the same, did everything (way too much actually - but it's just in my nature to care and show acts of appreciation) it's so frustrating, especially when I know of other men who are completely bone idle lazy, who do nothing around the house, don't take the kids anywhere, treat their wives like housemaids with what seems like very little care, affection, value and love for them.

It sounds like you have been a great husband, father, friend, soul mate and much more to your wife. I hope she comes to her senses although I suspect deep down, your wife isn't happy within. She needs to be happy with herself as a person and comfortable in her own skin. Someone else (like you) can add to her happiness but only if her underlying problems and deep rooted issues are dealt with. She needs to be at peace within and I don't think she is.

I think you are dong the right thing hanging in there BM - I would do the same if there hadn't been another person in the picture. After all, we marry for better or worse, sickness and health and until you know for sure that your wife doesn't want you back - there's always hope. I'm sure you would be a good catch but don't use this as a trump card for the situation. You want your wife to come back for the right reasons.

I'm not a christian but I have started praying to God - I would thoroughly recommend it. I'm also reading the New Testament and trying to become a better person. Jesus said some very wise things I have discovered!

Good luck!

[Raymond]

Good advice there Ronoco.

If you wanted to discuss what you are reading on a seperate thread I and maybe Chosen would be happy to contribute.

[Baldyman999]

Hi Ronnoco you are absolutely right and I aren't holding thinking she will come back as I have to move from house I am in so have already been of mortgage on my own and started looking at houses. She has said on lots of occasions it is her who is unhappy and doesn't actually know what will make her happy. She has low self esteem due to childhood and says on many occasions how can I love u if I don't even love myself, it is only over the last two weeks that I have stopped rushing to the phone to see if it's her so I am moving on with my own life and doing my best for the children. I know what you are saying about the texting sometimes they want to be found out so it can all be out in the open but I have already took this as a possibility and would be gutted if there was but also know I can move on from this if there was as I wouldn't tolerate that at all so I think I am at a point where nothing would surprise me. I have read a lot of books on everything that's going on but I am at the point where I now don't need to. Got a lot of support from a mate as he is going through similar thing and I know if she ever came back it has to be for right reasons.

[Baldyman999]

I do pray now for the right reasons as I realised before I was praying in a selfish way for me only, I have now learnt to pray more thankfully for what I have and not for what I haven't. I thank god for the wonderfull children, my good health and what I have even down to simplistic things like warm water to bath in as many people don't. Everything going on has made me appreciate the little things in life we all forget about even down to eye sight etc etc so I feel it has actually made me a better person and I now look at the positives of the situation like speaking to my stepson every night about his day at school etc something that was rare before this.