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Old 10th January 2014, 10:19 AM   #16
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Thanks for that advice it does make sense and it does seem that if I am going on a night out before I go she will ask if I want to go on holiday or maybe out for the day and I feel this is to give me hope so I don't look for someone else as she knows that as a husband there was very little I needed to change and to a lot of women probably a good catch. I am seeing a therapist for my own childhood which was physically abusive and no love from my parents which I think has had an effect on my life but I still get on well with my parents as I know it was tough bringing us up. I am a lot happier than I was 5 month ago and we are actually more appreciative towards each other now so I still live with hope. I have also set some boundaries for us both with the kids eg no swearing around them and no shouting around them and if she slips up she now apologises so I am still hopefully and I refuse to give up on a family that I know can be happy. Thanks for that glad you got sorted
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Old 10th January 2014, 10:31 AM   #17
toellandback
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

It sounds like you are coping better than I did. Well done. Your wife is almost certainly keeping you hanging on for a reason. My wife actually got angry when I went away for a short break even though she said it was over for good. Perhaps it was all just a test of my resilience and love. Who knows. If you want to keep hoping and trying , do so. You will know when its time to give up. I for one never reached that point. I loved her to much
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Old 10th January 2014, 11:33 AM   #18
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Yes I do sometimes think that a spouse will leave and not want their husband/wife, but wont want anyone else to have you which is pretty mean if you think about it. I suppose we all need to decide how long we will let that process go on for before we call it a day.
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Old 10th January 2014, 11:59 AM   #19
ronnoco
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Some good advice from Barry there. I'm so glad it worked out for him because he really did go through it. I think it's actually quite rare these days to get that outcome. Very often, there is another person in the picture.

BM - if there isn't anyone else, hang on in there if you choose. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, especially with boundaries.

Follow Barry's advice, invest in yourself and let your wife see what divorced life will be like. I'm not sure if still staying close with all the kissing and hugging is a good idea to be honest. You are either together or you are not. At you still intimate with each other? At the moment, she still has hes tentacles firmly wrapped around you and she knows this. Just like she gives you the carrot when you are going out, etc...It must be horrible for you being in limbo.

I would have a think about how you want to carry on. 6 months is a long time to be separated. Perhaps stop the intimacy, reduce the support, effectively do a "180" (Google divorce busting 180)

Maybe if she has the opportunity to truly miss you, she may come back for good. Also, push with this counselling - she needs it for sure as she is very dysfunctional.
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Old 10th January 2014, 01:15 PM   #20
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi again everyone I think she knows she hasn't really done anything to work on the marriage and it is as though she tests me to check if I go back to my old behaviours which I don't. The only attention is hugging and kissing nothing more and after reading various books it says even some affection is better than none and if there's that she hasn't fully checked out of the marriage. Sometimes there are cases where if you stop being affectionate then they look elsewhere for it so it's like a dambed if I do and damned if I don't situation so at present I don't mind and am trying to build on that. I didn't cope well at first stopped eating but blacked out one night fell and smashed my face on the bath tap, ten stitches round my eye and broke my nose but I have realised it is out of my control and I can only work and change myself so I have got a lot stronger over the months but it has been hard as I love her so much and want it to work . When I married her it was because I had never loved anyone like I love her and didn't ever for one minute think I would be in this situation
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Old 10th January 2014, 01:54 PM   #21
Raymond
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Good post Barry. Double impact.

Would you say that she avoids intimacy BYM? I don't mean sexual intimacy but relational intimacy.

It's sounds like she might be what they call an avoidant. If children can't get the necessary love as a young child they can switch off and say (not consciously) "This is too painful. I can do without. I don't need it." They will then avoid relational intimacy and fill their lives with other things like work, interests etc., even sex wihout true intimacy. They stop growing emotionally but not in other ways. They seem normal but are avoiding relational intimacy because of their childhood. Just a thought.

It is sad about the step father abuse. I read that the biggest sexual abuse on children is from stepfathers apparently. No wonder she is concerned about her real father.

At the moment she sounds a bit ungrateful to the help you offer her and is putting some things down to control. The problem is in her it seems. I would step back but leave the door open. You can't do much if she doesn't open the door. Life itself can teach her.
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Old 10th January 2014, 02:03 PM   #22
ronnoco
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

A saying I like is "a bird can't fly on a broken wing" - same applies to marriage. If your wife isn't willing to work on it and get marriage counselling, get professional help for her past trauma, start taking positive steps to rebuild your relationship then you are just going to stay in limbo until one of you reaches their tipping point.

If nothing has changed after 6 months, I can't see why it will suddenly be any different? 6 months separated is a very long time.

I think you've got to start thinking about No 1 no. Join a gym, take up a new hobby, treat yourself to new clothes, perhaps a new hair cut (actually, just remembered your name, lol) but you get the picture. Like Barry said, investing in yourself is both beneficial to you (if you do need to move on) but also beneficial for the situation. I felt exactly the same about my wife as you do. You have to ask the question, why is your wife dong this to you? - look at the strain and stress it has put on you. Not eating, depression, the knot in your stomach, feeling like a lamb to the slaughter...personally, I couldn't do that to someone - leaving them hanging - it's selfish. She must have seen your battered up face - why does she not feel guilty for what she is putting you through?
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Old 10th January 2014, 02:37 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Good post Barry. Double impact.

Would you say that she avoids intimacy BYM? I don't mean sexual intimacy but relational intimacy.

It's sounds like she might be what they call an avoidant. If children can't get the necessary love as a young child they can switch off and say (not consciously) "This is too painful. I can do without. I don't need it." They will then avoid relational intimacy and fill their lives with other things like work, interests etc., even sex wihout true intimacy. They stop growing emotionally but not in other ways. They seem normal but are avoiding relational intimacy because of their childhood. Just a thought.

It is sad about the step father abuse. I read that the biggest sexual abuse on children is from stepfathers apparently. No wonder she is concerned about her real father.

At the moment she sounds a bit ungrateful to the help you offer her and is putting some things down to control. The problem is in her it seems. I would step back but leave the door open. You can't do much if she doesn't open the door. Life itself can teach her.
Yes, step fathers, fathers and other family members.
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Old 10th January 2014, 02:41 PM   #24
chosen
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

I think that the longer the separation is, the harder it is to get back together as both spouses get used to living separately and being on their own.
The advise here is good, to look after yourself and also to be the best dad you can. At some point things will have to come to a head, but as long as you are prepared to be patient you can see what happens.
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Old 10th January 2014, 03:03 PM   #25
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Hi all that is a good point Raymond and does seem like that is what happened ( avoidance) when I asked if she thought about what is going on she said work is a great distraction and means I don't have to think about it. I guess most of what you are all saying makes sense as while the situation is like it is she doesn't need to do anything until she realises I might not want her back then it might dawn on her as to what she is doing and has done. She was with me when I fell and injured myself but seemed to have no compassion at all infact moaned about being at the hospital with me and having to work the next day. I think she is also in the peri menopause and still talks to me about her periods etc and where she is going and that but nothing more than this. I read the marriage 180 divorce busting and nearly everything on it I am doing other than giving her a hug back and a kiss but it's more like a ritual greeting as if you just met an old friend. I get the feeling she wants to be on her own but doesn't want me bringing a stepmother into children's lives as we both know the problems that can come from this and we are already a blended family
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Old 10th January 2014, 04:52 PM   #26
ronnoco
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

BM,

I think what Raymond is implying is could you wife have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder. What she is doing now is not so relevant as lots of people would throw themselves into work, etc. This might be an underlying condition she has, possibly stemming from her past. Google it and you will find some good info. It was a really good post from Raymond....it got me thinking and researching myself.

Question, were you always happy with your marriage up to the break up.? We often live life through rose tinted glasses. We want that family unit and don't want to rock the boat.

Did your wife always communicate with you, show you affection, care, love, consideration, respect, etc?
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Old 10th January 2014, 05:07 PM   #27
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Thanks for info yes she was caring loving but we weren't respectfull of each other and she seems to lack any gratitude for anything I do. She has never been able to compromise and due to such a horrifick chilhood of being scared to death everyday from 6 to 24 she would have no rules or boundaries for the children eg she would give them yogurts in bed, let them help their selves to toffees etc but when I tried to put some structure and ground rules in place she saw it as control rather than good parenting and would turn against me, she also went through a 2 yr jealousy period where she made my life he'll if I so much as put aftershave on etc etc. I can also say I haven't so much as thought about other women in all the time we were together but I still stood by her and that's what makes it harder to understand.
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Old 10th January 2014, 09:03 PM   #28
ronnoco
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Very difficult situation. I think Raymond is right - you probably are best letting her go to see if she comes back. I agree that life itself may teach her and help her find the correct path..

I'm pretty sure all of these issues stem from the deep rooted trauma she has experienced and never properly dealt with. I have heard of people who have suddenly reached breaking point, often suicide attempts before finally getting the help they need (suicide attempts do this) A crisis and trauma team can often help carefully unbox the things that have been locked away all of your life. They use some weird and wonderful techniques by the sounds of things. They can help you process what has happened and get to a point where you are able to accept it, deal with it and not let it ruin your life.

I think it's important to say that although events of life shape you, it's your choices and actions that define you. Raymond & Chosen have both experienced terrible things but turned into remarkable people. Your wife has to make her choices herself. If she chooses to come back and get help, work on the marriage, i'm sure things would eventually be better that what you could have ever imagined but this has to be done at free will, you can't force it. I truly understand how frustrating and difficult it must be for you.

You are a man of integrity, prized on morals and family values. She is so lucky to have someone who has stuck by her the way you have.

All the best.
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Old 10th January 2014, 10:25 PM   #29
Baldyman999
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Thanks Ronnoco
Deep down I know you are right I have to let her go but in a way I have all but the hug and kiss and last time I said we shouldn't hug and kiss she got annoyed with me. My ten year old has autism and lives with me and only I really understand him he is the double of me and she has said he can start stopping at hers 3 days week and alternate weekends so I have had something to focus on as I have made him my life for 6 months so it will break my heart not to have him. Not only did the wife leave me but 3 month after she was gone I got served with 6 month notice to leave a beautifull 3 bed cottage in the country but it was due to landlady going into care and not connected to the seperation but it has made it harder having it on top of all this. I will add that her son 17 said he would stay with me as I think he hoped she would come back but she thought the world of him so can't understand why she didn't tell him he had to go with her because if she had he would of. It's all very bizarre and very hard to understand. I feel stronger each day and always thought she would be back by now but it seems a long way off as I know I can't just let her back without trusting her again as she might come back and six month later leave again
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Old 11th January 2014, 08:26 AM   #30
toellandback
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Re: Wife left without much explanation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baldyman999 View Post
Thanks for info yes she was caring loving but we weren't respectfull of each other and she seems to lack any gratitude for anything I do. She has never been able to compromise and due to such a horrifick chilhood of being scared to death everyday from 6 to 24 she would have no rules or boundaries for the children eg she would give them yogurts in bed, let them help their selves to toffees etc but when I tried to put some structure and ground rules in place she saw it as control rather than good parenting and would turn against me, she also went through a 2 yr jealousy period where she made my life he'll if I so much as put aftershave on etc etc. I can also say I haven't so much as thought about other women in all the time we were together but I still stood by her and that's what makes it harder to understand.
I think you have said something important here BM. The part about not being respectful is so very integral to my own situation. We loved each other but had forgotten to respect and really understand the others feelings and more often their actions. I did really take some time to look at things from my wifes side, it gave me such better insight to her actions and motives. I must say that my wife was sexually abused by her stepfather, it too had the effect it seems of her sons knowing few boundaries. My wife keeps them close and treats them still like babies sometimes. It caused so many arguments and is still our biggest obstacle to true happiness. Also, my wife cried for help once with a suicide attempt. I see the previous posts here and I see my wife and many similarities to my own crisis. It's very possible Raymond is close to the truth BM. I never confront my wife head on about these things as she reacts badly to that , what I've learnt to do is not take anything at face value. Im a complex person, why would anyone else be so different ?? It is probably not even you that is her underlying problem, your just a good target and your not moving fast !! I researched the 180 and applied it. Remember if you do it , its for YOU. There is a 180 developed for men specifically where adultery is not necessarily a factor. I do not have a link but google the male 180. As for worrying if it will push her away or give the impression you don't care anymore, what is it exactly you have now ?? It's a healing tool for you only. It worked wonders for me in a short space of time but I was lucky I think that I found advice immediately both here and elsewhere. Sorry if I've rambled a bit. I'm on my mobile at work and my thoughts race when I see someone like you experiencing what I did. Wish I could help more
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