Is my marriage over ?

[toellandback]

I asked my wife last night to have lunch with me today. But got a firm no. Because I went away and apparently showed nothing had changed. I think I said my wife had offered to put all our things into storage together, this she says was because she was missing me and having second thoughts. All that has changed it seems. I'm left back where I started, if I contact her she ignores me , if I don't she gets angry.
I'm hoping she will come for lunch. The house goes next weekend, after that my wife effectively need never contact me again. I have to say that scares me. I hate myself for slipping back to being desperate and clingy in her eyes. Truth is I love her.

[Raymond]

Sounds to me like she wants the right answers from you but is not getting them. I expect she wants you to read her mind which you can't. Maybe it is something to do with getting her esteem back as she mentioned before. If she didn't want you she wouldn't get angry when you go away which she interprets as being unfaithful to her. So there is something going on but I can't figure it out.

[toellandback]

Yes Raymond. There is that element of her wanting me to get things right , I'm really trying. But its difficult when I don't know her thoughts. I'm married to her and I can't figure it out. I think your right in that she sees my break as unfaithful. Even if that is slightly wanting your cake etc.
My wife unfortunately for me does not , and never has been good at saying sorry or admitting she may be wrong. Hence the joint storage offer being her way of letting me know she had doubts. Trouble is I was already away.

[Raymond]

Having difficulty and not admitting it when she is wrong could be a key or maybe the key. It is hard to move on with an impasse like that. It does make sense of her behaviour. I have the same difficulty sometimes. I was brought up as an orphan and if you admitted you was wrong the other boys wiped the floor with you. (You stupid *****) It is amazing how this can stick to one even though I am now a christian and adultty. My wife never tries to humble me by saying things like I told you so. I admit to myself when I am wrong but I have difficulty in verbalising it for some reason. I think I am a lot better, but if it is that, I do understand your wife's problem. It is not right as we all need humility at the appropriate time, but some upbringings can train you in the opposite way. It can also be pride as well of course.

How to bridge the gap and let her save face, although she could learn an important lesson in yielding when she is wrong through the present circumstances. How strong is her pride? Will she let it take her all the way out of the marriage or will she eat humble pie so that the marriage is saved? We all need to eat humble pie at times. That is part of progress. You know her better than us. If it is that you might be able to figure an answer. I will certainly pray about it.

[Raymond]

What might work tb is asking her if she would help you with something. If you can think of anything legitimate that is. If she really wants the marriage then it will be an opportunity for her whilst saving face at the same time.

[toellandback]

I think backing down, sharing again, is very hard for her. I've invited her to dinner again. Not a positive reply but left it open for her to turn up if she finds time.
I'm so certain she feels as I do , especially after her outbursts this week. Your story is helpful, thank you.
So , I'm sat here dying to txt , ask again, but I must wait, if she feels ok about it she knows she can come round without losing face.

[AbiSmith]

I think first of all you need to stop blaming yourself for whats happened, neither of you are at fault here, some times we just need a helping hand.

It may help to get some advice from someone with experience who has helped others before,. Have a look at this website, lovelustlive.us/save-your-marriage/ and follow the link to the ebook by Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D, its a new and innovative guide to helping you get back on track.

Hope this helps

[toellandback]

I've had a long conversation over the phone tonight with my wife. She is adament we are over. I made her mind up by going on holiday. We discussed love, sex , marriage, good times , bad times etc etc. Finally my wife said she will never change her mind , even said I irritate her sometimes just by talking the way I do. I'm shattered , mentally, physically. I felt I was doing ok , my wife was affected by me getting on with things but I've relapsed into being a desperate needy person again, I hate myself for that. Truely , we love each other, but my wife does not think that's enough. I'm scared to give up , not sure I can. Maybe its time to let her go. I was surprised how angry she sounded. I've said all my sorrys, pledged my life to her , but its time maybe to grieve

[chosen]

I think you need to understand that its her decision and her decision alone, and that whatever you did by attempting to have some sort of life after she left had nothing to do with it. She is attempting again to put all the blame on you, ie 'you made me make this decision', and in fact you didn't make her do anything, she had already decided and that's why she left. I dont see what more you can do to be honest, its very sad.
Love should be enough, but you both have to want to make it work. Do you think there could be more to this that she hasn't told you?

Unless she changes her mind you will need to grieve and move on. Don't let her say horrible cruel things to you. She is the one giving up and ending the marriage not you.

[toellandback]

Only thought is how much her family rely on her. She is staying with her dad, who is drunk all the time. I think there are five adults one child living there. They all rely on my wife to sort everything, even when we were together. This whole family thing got mentioned a lot tonight, how various ppl didn't get on and how that would always be a problem.

[chosen]

Sounds like she needs to distance herself from them as well. They have to learn to look after themselves.

[Raymond]

Originally Posted by Raymond

It does sound like family disharmony is at the root of your marriage problems. Her respect is very important in the marriage. Most wives will do their best to respect their husbands but there will be a limit when their needs are ignored and when the man of the house is not fulfilling his role.

You have to sort this disharmony aspect and get it right whilst still atending to her needs. I think my last e mail speaks about ground rules but also you need to make sure you are loving your wife and are trying to understand her dificulties. I would fix what you know you can and then tackle the disharmony by being the unbiased father of the household. Not yours and mine - ours, now that you are married to her. You need to discuss this plan with her to get her co-operation as she also has to behave in an unbiased way regarding the children otherwise you will not have unity, that precious commodity in a marriage. All this should have been sorted when you first married of course.

I think this may have figured more than you realise tb. Maybe some attention should be given to it?

[toellandback]

I've just about given up Raymond. My wife won't discuss sorting issues such as this because there is no point in her eyes at this time. I'm sure you are right, it is probably the major block for her. I've written a long letter to her today, I've mentioned the subject to her , reassured her that its something we can work on , told her everything. Despite my gloom I'm clinging to her fading light , because we have love, miracles happen yeah !!!

[toellandback]

Sorry Chosen, I missed your post. The thing is , I got myself into a little trouble for saying exactly that in some ways. The day my son caused such misery, my wife (before the fight) spoke to my daughter and wished she could get free a little and put "put your dad first". It keeps going back to this dosent it ?? A fact Raymond keeps bringing up. Other issues survive, I've already mentioned them. My wife is within her family, safe emotionally and physically in her mind. Perhaps stepping back into our complicated life seems such a scary thing.
I've written that letter, two parts, "marriage and us" and a seperate one "family". I hope my wife reads them.
I'm off to hospital today, my ankle hopefully will be strong enough for this cast to come off. It's such a reminder to her of that day. Wish me luck !!

[Raymond]

I hope you get a response to your letters tb.