Is my marriage over ?

Originally Posted by chosen

I think that another problem today is that so many sons are bought up by single mothers, and the danger is that they can then become sort of surrogate 'husbands'(which is what happened to my husband)and the mothers can out their emotional needs on their sons. I think this is what happens with my step son and maybe be partly why he isn't interested in moving out, because there is some emotional pressure to stay.

Thank you for your great insight.

Isn't life so complicated?

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Roses

Thank you for your great insight.

Isn't life so complicated?

Yes and for parents we always need to be thinking of the child and not of our own needs.

Yes. That's how I think as well.

[toellandback]

Hi again.
Thanks for all those replies, its interesting reading but not all that reassuring !! I think your right , my wifes always had to play both roles in her sons lives. It's why she divorced her first husband, he couldn't find time to be a father. So consequently her boys cling to her. She admits she spoilt them to try and compensate for her husbands absence in their lives. However , I too grew up apart from my father , my brothers and I worshipped our mum , yet we never stayed at home after we had earnt the means to move out. I know they understand the problems they present yet lack the drive to change. Because the change will not benefit them !! My wife and I are trying to steer away from confrontational arguments about these issues. For our own future's depend on agreement and reasoned discussions. I refuse to go down the road I so openly travelled before. Raymond , your advise about setting boundaries, being in charge so to speak has worked so far. It's hard work though. But I promise you all, I'm so much stronger despite my doubts.

Originally Posted by toellandback

Hi again.

My wife and I are trying to steer away from confrontational arguments about these issues. For our own future's depend on agreement and reasoned discussions. I refuse to go down the road I so openly travelled before. I'm so much stronger despite my doubts.

You have been extremely admirable to be honest.

I have known women who chose their successful career and sons. They stayed single. One way or another, (I'm assuming that) taking on another relationship will rock their boat too much. Another relationship is bound to affect their closeness/relationship with their sons.

If your wife married you to provide her sons a father figure (which is also admirable), you are expected to fit into that role. Your wife probably noticed your generous nature.

Hope things will work out for you. And, thanks for posting the great thread!

[toellandback]

Thank you Roses Don't tell anyone else but I really wish I didn't need to post at all LOL.
Im still posting as I feel I still need help and guidance. Advice. Hopefully one day I might find I don't need to post at all. That I might have learnt enough to leave this particular crutch behind. The other two crutches I carried have been returned !! (just a limp left now) , maybe I can get back to the gym soon. It's healthy for the mind

[Raymond]

I think that keeping boundaries will help in this situation. You are not responsible for the sons at their age, only responsible to them. There is a difference. They have to carry their own burden like we all do and you won't be helping them if you don't let them do that. Keeping boundaries will help you avoid resentment and keep you free to love them in the right way.

Originally Posted by toellandback

Im still posting as I feel I still need help and guidance. Advice. Hopefully one day I might find I don't need to post at all. That I might have learnt enough to leave this particular crutch behind. The other two crutches I carried have been returned !! (just a limp left now) , maybe I can get back to the gym soon. It's healthy for the mind

Hope your marriage continues to get better for you. Thank you for keeping us posted.

[toellandback]

Hi everyone
Just had to drop by and wish my friends on here a very happy xmas and a wonderful new year. It's perhaps fitting for me that this was the year 13, looking back I cannot begin to put it all into perspective. This xmas will challenge us , family divisions remain as it is to soon after the events. But thanks so much for your help and patience without which my troubles would have seemed tenfold. I will be thinking of everyone here.

Barry x

[chosen]

Hi Barry

Happy Christmas to you as well. I hope that pray that you will all get on well and stay relaxed. Dont sweat over small things and be patient. I think that we all put far too many expectations on ourselves at this time of year, and that can be disastrous.

I have found that family games are a real help. They can be great fun too.

[toellandback]

July 14th 2013 I'm admitted to hospital so they can put my ankle back together. But my marriage, home and job are seemingly all gone. Everything seemed so hopeless.
Well glad to say that I've got flights booked to Crete exactly a year to the day it all happened I'm taking my wife with me , my relationship with my son is finally healed, I'm working , new home. It's hard work still but I'm working on myself as I go. I'm back into physio next week due to complications with my ankle but that's not so worrying or important as it used to seem. Happier days all round. I wanted to share the news I'm still ok as I'm sure it will spur others to keep going. Hiya Chosen and Raymond, Ronnoco hope ur all well and good.

[ronnoco]

Great to hear that things are going well Barry - it's always nice to hear positive posts among the usual doom and gloom on here!

I'm doing ok thanks. Still very disappointed that my marriage fell apart but hey, we battle on.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by toellandback

July 14th 2013 I'm admitted to hospital so they can put my ankle back together. But my marriage, home and job are seemingly all gone. Everything seemed so hopeless.
Well glad to say that I've got flights booked to Crete exactly a year to the day it all happened I'm taking my wife with me , my relationship with my son is finally healed, I'm working , new home. It's hard work still but I'm working on myself as I go. I'm back into physio next week due to complications with my ankle but that's not so worrying or important as it used to seem. Happier days all round. I wanted to share the news I'm still ok as I'm sure it will spur others to keep going. Hiya Chosen and Raymond, Ronnoco hope ur all well and good.

Hi Barry
Thats brilliant news. Keep working at it. Its like a garden that needs constant tending and weeding and pruning to stop it from going wild and unusable.

[Raymond]

That's good news Barry. Boundary principles are good but they need to be worked through and that does take time. If you are going to Crete together that cannot be bad. I reckon you must have learned a lot by now and these things should be a strength for you and your marriage, now and in the future.

[toellandback]

Hi everyone. I'm hoping this post finds you all well , particularly those who were here to help me through some terrible moments. I still drop in regularly and read some posts. It's apparent that the same issues repeat so often. I often think of replying to some but never quite know if I can add anything new. To those that need help plz persevere here , it truely helps. If your strong enough then never give in but don't allow yourself to become so fixated on the one whose hurting you that you don't remember to look after yourself. Family is absolutely key , if they are there then lean on them, trust them , they will see you through I promise.
I'm off to Greece Tuesday with my wife. We are stronger now than ever. It took all that hurt for us to realise we didn't want to hurt each other !! How strange. I guess the moral is to stop it before it starts. If you feel something is wrong it probably is. Talk then , not later and never talk too late.
Bless you Chosen Raymond Ronnoco X I owe you all such a huge thank you