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Old 13th October 2010, 05:16 AM   #1
sel62
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Unhappy wife's past is haunting me

I am married for 16 years now with two beautiful children, 16 & 14 years of age. During the time I knew my wife(GF) after I proposed to her to go steady with me she confessed that she was not a virgin and had been with a guy during her school days, her senior of two years. I excepted her and after 5 years we got married. During this five years she had told me that the guy regretted leaving her and tried to patch back with her which she declined. During this conversations wit him he told her that his photo had appeared in the newspaper the previous day and she told me about this which I did not take it seriously either. Now after 16 years while I was researching for a project in the library I found this article. Since that day I start questioning my wife how it all started (her past relationship) when and were ? It's already three week past, my mind is not getting over this. When I got married I was 25 years old and a virgin. I feel jealous of that guy and what it would be like to have sex with a virgin. I love my wife but whenever we get closer, I start imaging he touching her and the response she had given, this will put me off. Please help to safe my marriage.

Last edited by sel62; 13th October 2010 at 08:28 AM. Reason: mistakes
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Old 13th October 2010, 09:38 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Please please please, you have to let this go. You have been happily married for 16 years. She met this guy long before you met. Many many people arent virgins when they marry (in fact most these days)and I am sure that having sex with your wife for the first time was no different than if she had been a virgin, (except less painful for her) Why is having sex with a virgin so important to you? Its probably exactly the same.Why do you seem to think that it would be any different? You say you were a virgin when you married, but then say you have a 16 year old child and have been married for 16 years. How does that work?

My husband and I were both in long marriages before. I did struggle for some time with the fact that he had had sex loads of times with her, but after a while I had to get over it and let it go. Now of course, because of his previous marriage, he wasnt a virgin when we met(we were in our late 40's), but so what? We have a good marriage and a good sex life, much better than either of us had before, so why worry?

Is it because you have seen a picture of him that you feel this way?

If you want to know more about the relationship,and feel that will help you to let it go, then ask your wife. After that, if it comes into your mind, think about something else, and dont let it stay there to fester. Why allow this to cause big problems in your marriage? Its history from a long time ago. She chose you and not him.

Last edited by chosen; 13th October 2010 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 13th October 2010, 10:09 AM   #3
So alone
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Hello Sel62,

Here is my advice for what it's worth.

It is not your wife's past that is haunting you but your own. You are all tangled with how you feel towards the meaning of virginity and I advise you broaden your thinking and look into yourself if you wish to get out of this dark tunnel you have chosen to walk down. This will take a little bit of work on yourself.

I have to ask you this. Would you feel the same towards your wife had she been raped before you met her? Not about the rape, but about her virginity not being 'yours' but another mans? I ask you this because I see two things here. The issue about you HAVING her virginity and also what virginity MEANS to you.

The first point about 'having' virginity and what it would feel like. I do not read from your statement anything about a physical sensation more a mental power one. It seems you value that power.
Why are you defining things by that? Do you define other things in your life by power?

Remember she also chose you to share her life with not the other man.
She didn't have to.
She has bore you two children and from all that you have said she has never given any reason for her to break her marriage contract with you.

She has been honest, upfront and non confrontational. You have been a little devious, angry and jealous. You are now taking that out on your wife by transferring those feelings on to her.
Why is that Self? Stop and stop today.

Do you feel that the 'balance' is not quite right? The answer to save your marriage is in your own heart. You hold all the answers. You need to find all these negative feelings that have taken hold and get them out of you. If not you run the risk of allowing it to infect other areas of your life.
This is the road to misery. You do not want to be walking that road.

I suggest sharing your heartfelt feelings about this with her for she is your life partner and I know you love her very much. Remember your marriage vows. Do not be angry with her but be open with yourself.

For you to be focussing on this must mean there were some unresolved feelings when you married that have now come to the surface. You have allowed the feelings of jealousy to wind you up. But don't allow them to overtake you any more.

When you talk to her keep in mind your love for her alongside talking about this even if you get heated up. I know you will feel very vulnerable talking to her. You might feel all sorts of anxious things.
It will be ok for as long as you can keep in mind your love.

Love can ride many a storm for as long as you remember it.

Remember it.
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Old 13th October 2010, 10:10 AM   #4
So alone
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I second Chosen's words,

(they weren't there when I started writing my answer!)

x
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Old 13th October 2010, 11:42 AM   #5
Helen_uk
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Excellent posts from SA and chosen.

You can't change the past , it's done . You can make a conscious decision not to allow it to affect the future. Think about what you stand to lose if you continue along the path of jealousy and resentment , because trust me it will have a detrimental effect on your marriage.
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Old 14th October 2010, 02:17 AM   #6
sel62
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I Thank You all for the time and advice, there was and error in my post, I'm married for 17 years. I had spoken with my wife of the feelings I am having, she was not angry with me and told me that I am only feeling this way because of the photo I have seen. I know she would have been hurt during our discussion but I feel better now that this out of my mind. I'm an Indian an in my 40's, during my school days my parents has consistently reminded me that pre-marital sex is not allowed and a man should experience only on wedding night, although I had girl friends but stop at that moment. Somethings was telling me this was not the right time and it is wrong. My wife is a Hindu and I am RC. Although I feel better now but still feels that I was dump during my younger days. Thanks
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Old 8th November 2010, 04:33 AM   #7
sel62
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

I thank you for the reply, Please Help. I need help on how to forget and continue on with my life. I know it is not possible to leave her now due to this reason and it is not desired too, I love her too much to do that. What I can do to forget, Please Help.
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Old 8th November 2010, 11:58 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Look Sel you have a good wife it seems who is faithful only to you but you dwell on her past which is pretty irrelevant now. Why can't you receive her as a gift from God who has forgiven her past? Can you not forget the things of the past and move on pressing forward to all that God has for you in the future and now? I would resist these thoughts which have come to rob your peace. Renounce them within yourself. They are not from God. God is plain and does not niggle away at us. When He convicts of sin there is always something straight forward we can do. This niggling you are getting which you cannot do anything about does not come from Him so don't receive it. You don't have to receive every letter that comes into your head. Some need to be torn up and binned and this is one of them. Start today rejecting those thoughts and ask for God's strength to help you do it.
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Old 8th November 2010, 02:28 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Raymond I agree totally. We can choose what we spend time thinking about. The Bible tells us to take every thought captive and so the next time that this all comes into your head Sel, make a choice to stop thinking about it. Think about something else. Thank God for what you have and name all of your wives good qualities.Dont dwell on what you think you have lost(and you havent lost anything really) but on what you have. No it isnt possible to leave her now, she hasnt done anything against you.
You actually did the wrong thing by marrying a non believer, but God has forgiven you for that I am sure, so you forgive your wife for her mistake as well. You knew she wasnt a virgin when you went out with her, and you married her anyway. She is forgiven by God so you need to forgive her.
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Old 9th November 2010, 03:41 AM   #10
sel62
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Dear Friends, Thank you. She is a believer now, after 9 years of marriage she decided that it is time to convert. We got married in church. Although I try very hard not to remember her past, small things I see and my mind start to niggle. While driving if I see car plate numbers with 86 I start to think of her past, that was the year she had lost her virginity. Do you think I am not trying hard enough to forget.
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Old 9th November 2010, 05:44 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

sel
Thats brilliant that she is now a believer.
We cant stop thoughts popping into our mind, but we can stop them staying there.Also we can stop ourselves from dwelling on them. Every time it happens, Thank God for her and for all the good things about her.I know this is easier said than done, but it will eventually become a habit.
When God forgives us, He chooses not to remember those things any more. You need to choose not to allow what she did to badly affect your marriage. It is past, it is gone and it is dealt with. We have all done things that we regret and that were wrong.
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Old 9th November 2010, 09:35 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

Funny. I knew she was a believer and was doing very well. Have we had this thread somewhere else?

Anyhow Chosen is right you need to replace this playback with positive thoughts. Relevant scriptures would be perfect.

Can I ask is it that you are not able to forgive her or is it a thing about marrying a virgin? Whatever, she has been cleansed in the blood of Christ.

Last edited by Raymond; 9th November 2010 at 02:03 PM.
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Old 10th April 2014, 07:12 PM   #13
melevy
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

II'm dealing with this issue too.

'm married for 13 years for the second time. My first marriage of 15 years ended due to my wife's death due to lung cancer. I met my now wife four months later. She married me late in life at 45 y/o. I learned about her past early in our relationship. She was single for over 20 years before meeting me, and dated a lot. She had two one-night-stands, and said that she had 2-3 relationships per year for those 20 years. Based on this, I guessed that she slept with 40-60 guys. I mentioned this to her and she said that number was way too high.

I'm going to see a new therapist soon, so I wrote this to bring her up to speed.

I figured out why your past bothers me so much. Maybe i'm old fashioned, but i feel that sex is something to be cherished between two people who love each other.
I feel like you've had a lot of sex with guys who were only in It for their own gratification. They didn't love you or even care about you and you didn't love them
I think I'm probably the first guy you had sex with who you loved. With the possible exception of your first boyfriend.
They got the best of you. and they didn't deserve it. I love you so much, and I get the dried up & painful VG and low libido (she's in menopause now). It makes me very sad, for me and you. It makes me wonder why you'd have sex with someone you knew didn't care about you beyond using you to get off. Maybe you were using them for the same reason.
I know that I get your love and they didn't, but I want It all.
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Old 10th April 2014, 10:53 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

melevy I cant understand why anyone would marry a person with such low morals to have had sex with 40-60 people. That's an awful lot of men, and it will have badly affected her. You are also very different with how you see sex, you as an expression of love with someone with whom you are in a long term relationship with, and she with more or less anyone who will agree. I am not surprised that you are struggling.

Can I ask you a question? You say you met her 4 months after your wife died. I know 4 men who started a new relationship with another women very very soon after their first wives death, and married after only a year. Its just that If my husband died, I cant even imagine ever being with anyone else let alone meeting someone only 4 months of the death. When my long first marriage ended with a sudden break up and divorce, it was 4 years before I could even think of anyone else, and 6 years in all before I met my now husband. I cant comprehend or grasp how anyone can feel ready or be ready for a new person after a mere few weeks or months.
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Old 11th April 2014, 01:18 AM   #15
1aokgal
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Re: wife's past is haunting me

According to statistics on remarriage after death of a spouse, It is not uncommon that men marry sooner than women. When the marriage was a good one, a man hopes to replicate that good marriage with a spouse. It is no reflection on the first spouse that a man can feel incomplete without his partner. Some men are dependent on the wife as a homemaker, they lack skills to live alone.

The trouble here is, why it is alright for a man to have a sexual past, but women are so harshly judged for their sexual decisions? She had a past. She related too much history, to my way of thinking. You did not need to hear so much about her ex-boyfriends or lovers, when she was single. That is stupid to relate such personal information. That is, after all, the past. She loves YOU. She chose to join her life with you. This woman is NOT a belonging that has scratches and dents! She is a human being who lived single for years. Her sexuality belongs to her. Did you think you deserve NEW? Why do people choose to complicate life when it is so simple?

Someone cares for you. In this whole selfish, uncaring world, a woman has bound her life with yours for the past 13 years. What do you need to hear to prove she is a decent woman and is indeed your wife "until death do you part?" You are NOT young! There is no DO OVER. The vows have been taken. Forget the past. Live in the present and be happy. What if there was no future and you had a terrible illness? Life is so short! You have had a 13 year test drive with this wife. Isn't this a good marriage? It is not a good marriage if this PETTY issue puts you in such a spin (13 years later) to question whether she is fit to be your wife!

You are blessed to have found each other, and to be loved. You can make something very good of your life together. Don't think about the past. Don't bring up the past in conversation. Be fair and loving and cherish this woman who cares for you.
If you can't do that, go get a therapist before you blow yourself out of a marriage which you will regret.

We are not here to judge this woman as, "she had very low morals!" We do NOT know about her life or what decisions she made or why.
Many woman equate having sex, with being loved. Women use sex to get love. Men and women are wired differently and it is true that there are times, as the 60's, when there was a new sexual freedom for women. Many women made decisions they later came to regret. No one should relieve their conscience by making confessions about their sexuality to a husband or lover. That is private and should remain in the past. It sounds to me as if this wife was urged to "tell it all" and now "that truth" is the whip to beat her with. I say "grow up."

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th April 2014 at 05:56 AM.
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