Broken

Please help. I don't know where to turn with this. Husband is 13 yrs older than me. We have been married 12 long miserable yrs. It was a whirlwind romance, his kids were the clincher, they were 6 and 8 at the time, both adorable. Their Mum had died 2 yrs previous. They desperately needed a Mummy and I fell in love with them immediately. I thought their father was a good hardworking, decent chap and I felt that I would grow to love him. Things went very wrong in the early stages. When I moved in with them, I discovered that he wasn't so hardworking after all. His business was in serious financial trouble with huge debts to the bank and suppliers. The most disturbing thing was the fact that I discovered he had been looking at Beastiality Porn sites. I went berserk. He promised at the time that he wouldn't look at it again and blamed me, citing that he did't feel loved, so he turned to that.. I feel physically sick when I think of it. Over the years, I have put it to the back of my mind, but it always come back and I see him as a filthy, sick person. I have had to work desperately hard to keep his business afloat through the years. I worked 7 days a week when the kids were young, so missed out on being the kind of Mum I had dreamed of. SS is now 19 and for a couple of years I have suspected that he has no respect for women. Most recently he brought his tramp girlfriend home for the first time and they proceeded to have oral sex in my living room while I was in the kitchen, knowing full well that I would walk in there. Like father, Like son. Kicked the SS out due to that and other disrespectful incidents, but if it were up to his father, he'd still be here living at home. I couldn't leave this marriage all through the years as I didn't want to do that to the children. I wasn't much of a mother really, I was always angry and stressed due to the financial strain, but I fed them, clothed them and got them up for school every morning. I did my best in difficult circumstances. Now I want to leave, but I have no money. I have worked his business without a wage for myself - we still owe the bank 800,000. Please help. I need the courage to just leave, penniless, with nothing to show for my hard work, with nowhere to go. Would you leave if you were me?

[Raymond]

Hi unhappiest. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you married because you liked the children and didn't take a good look at him. Marriage is first between a man and a woman. Everything will hinge on that relationship.

I personally believe porn to be on a par with mental adultery and has no place in a marriage. To add to that bestiality just makes it sick as you say. If this is still going on it is no wonder you are not happy. If he hasn't changed after 12 years there there is something missing in the marriage big time. It seems the children haven't turned out well in spite of your input. That would have a lot to do with his standards no doubt.

I can see your point about leaving. I think the worse scenario would be to stay in that enviorment just out of a fear of surviving. The longer you leave it the worse it will be. I think that is a battle you will have to fight. You can then tell him why you are leaving in the hope that he might change but I think the main thing is to face up to being able to leave so that you are not staying out of bondage or fear.

Raymond, thank you for replying to me. It means a lot to know there is someone out there who hears me. I have found no evidence of him viewing beastiality or any type of form since, but I can't get it out of my head that he was/is into that kind of thing. What I would call "normal" porn would not upset me as much as this. He is a bit of a recluse of a man, doesn't go out and socialise or lead what I would call a fulfilling life. SD is 21 and she is a good girl, she is living her own life now and is independant. SS is the disaster. I can't stop thinking that he has no respect for women, just as his father doesn't. I feel that any person enjoys watching women being violated by animals is sick. I feel shame that I married such a person. I am getting closer and closer to leaving him, but for now, I just don't know where or how. I live in a rural place, so finding myself a job won't be easy.

[Raymond]

One rarely hears of stuff as sick as this uh. If he wanted help that might be different. It must be awful for you knowing that it is in the background somewhere.

It's good that SD turned out well. That is a plus.

If you need to leave you would have to start thinking about a practical plan. It might mean leaving that village and living somewhere else. I am sure you could get help through a housing association eventually, at least to start with. Then you would need to think about a job. Maybe training?

I'm still in shock at what you have disclosed. Goodness know what he has opened himself up to. I can understand how it would have affected you deeply as his wife.

[ronnoco]

Hello UH,

Internet porn has become the demise of many a relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes the more content people are exposed to, the deeper they want to dig which leads to the bizarre, weird and plain horrible. It's a bit of a sick world we live in. On the Internet anything goes, you can literally pay to see anything you want. As an IT professional who works in a school, I sometimes see this fist hand and I am sure it will just get worse and worse as time goes on.

Anyway, back to the problem. Like Raymond said, you never really loved your husband the way you should have - you just wanted that "family unit"

The exposure of the bestiality has shocked you to your very core and you've never got over it. You've clearly already made your mind up that you want to leave and I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise, there is a whole thread dedicated to this conundrum on here.

My advice to you is what my mum said to me many years ago....."there is a solution to every problem"

UH, life is short and precious and you deserve to be happy. If you really want to leave, when there is a will, there is a way. You just need to make up your mind, make a a plan of action and make it happen.

Things will be ok in the end - they always are :-)

Good luck and keep posting.

[chosen]

You own the bank £800,000?Or is that $800,000? Either way its a an awful lot of money. What is he doing about this?

Do you have a friend or family member who you could stay with till you could get a job and place live?

€800,000. Hes not doing anything about it, never has. Its me who has been pleading with the banks for the past 12 yrs, it was me who built his business back up, but even though it is a thriving business now, the debt is so huge, it doesn't matter how busy we get, we can never make a living from it. When I first moved here, I started finding unopened letters from the bank all over the place, warning letters about overdrafts etc.. I found out too late, I had already bonded with the children and simply could not leave them. They would have had no life or upbringing if I had left. He was estranged from all his family. So I did the only thing I could do, put my head down, started to work my ass off and try to prevent the bank taking everything (home, business). I did it for the children and to try to keep a home for them. I won't move in with family or friends, I'm just too independant for that I'm afraid. But I am starting to put a plan into action. It won't happen over night, but I'm working on it.

[Raymond]

You have shown that you have a head on you and know how to work UH. I can't see you going down the plug if you leave. When you do, let him know the reason. He might be desperate and open up about this stuff and get help or do something about it.

[chosen]

I don't mean move in with them permanently, but for a while until you can get a job and a place of your own. I am sorry but he made that mess and he needs to work it out. You say you are too independent but we all need others, and you are living with someone now.
You married this man for all the wrong reasons, but for me being into bestiality, and letting you have to dig him out of this terrible financial mess, is a step too far. Maybe he can sell the buisiness and pay off the debts.