My Husband just beat me up.

Hi Chosen. There are women who are psychopaths. There are women with personality disorders. There are some really terrible women out there.

Violence is inexcusable. So is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. No matter if it is a woman or a man.

However statistically men are overwhelmingly the majority of the people who do this. Domestic violence is not only perpetrated by men, but women as well. However looking at statistics from hospital treatment, it is overwhelmingly women who suffer the worst.

I am giving my opinion from my old fashioned upbringing and as a man. I have had a very male orientated upbringing, boys only school, military for a few years, male work environments. There are some stupid macho men who think abusing women is tough and funny. But most men do not think this is OK.

Maybe I am old fashioned, but real men do not hit women. And most women do not hit their husband. Hysterical women do. Women pushed to the limit by an abusive partner may do so. Women with borderline might also do that, but women with borderline are more likely to self harm than beat their spouse up.

In this thread I am giving an opinion about a specific case, based on what Valerie wrote. I am not writing the definitive book on men beating their wives. In this specific case, Valerie was wrong to hit her husband, but he was provoking her. Her version does sound like a description of an abusive relationship. His response was over the top.

How can a woman play down another woman being beaten up by an abusive man?

Her husband had no excuse to do what he had done.

[chosen]

No one has said that what he did was right, but we do need to remember that this isn't the first time she has hit him, but it IS the only time he has retaliated.
Either spouse hitting the other is wrong. Period.
As you say though women are far better at manipulating that men, and tend to abuse in more hidden and subtle ways.

Let us say I have intimate knowledge of this scenario of domestic violence. I lived in a battleground as a child both as an observer, and as a beaten, sadistically treated child. My mother initiated terrible physical violence with a stepfather who did his best to keep out of her reach. He had a drinking problem so that might be the catalyst for terrible arguments and confrontations. He might push her away, but to my knowledge, she was the aggressor always.
She beat that man even into their old age and continued to fly at me even to the point my husband pulled her off me on one visit she made to our home years later. Her tantrums and fits were part of life and she should have been diagnosed/medicated back then. She died in a care facility years later and I have few kind memories of her. My judgment of this wife's culpability comes from my own perspective.

There was a time when I was a pretty repressed, passive person who had a fear of being crazy "like my mother." I was in a brief marriage, disastrous from the beginning, and engineered by my mother. I don't drink and can't abide licquor. I came home from the store one day to find him drinking heavily. The licquor was a new way to get to me. It did get to me. I went into the other room, and in frustration, I slammed the door. That is a passive aggressive act as we all know. Off came the door, and I was injured so badly my leg was fractured in 3 places and sustained a spinal injury that put me in a wheelchair for about 5 months. He meant to choke me to death, but since I didn't fight back, he stopped the assault. That incident cost me 30 years of Sciatica and spinal problems. The divorce was as immediate as my return to mobility could make it. I got no help or compensation, and put miles between us quickly. So I understand the issue of domestic violence having experienced it first hand. The only thing that recalls that history is to read the story posted here.

Dear JOHN AGAPE .......

No woman on this forum "played down" this husband beating up his wife! Where do you read that? Certainly I don't agree that he had an excuse to beat up his wife! Neither do I excuse that a woman would slap, hit or provoke a man with the thought she takes the "high ground" and thinks he won't slap her back! It is pretty stupid behavior to get into a physical confrontation (where alcohol is a factor.) There might be a discussion, but the parties should be able to keep hands off! When tempers are high, better to agree to a time out.
In the story of this family..she has hit him before! That tells me she has no respect for him and he restrained himself in past. Pity they did not go get some counseling before the big blowup!

That marriage might be salvaged with behavior changes from both parties. Some ongoing counseling for the problems involved would help them. Certainly there needs to be understanding for this couple on how to handle conflict. Maybe the alcohol in this home is the main factor to be addresses. That is a whole different discussion.

We want to be non-judgmental on this forum as to "who is at fault" in this story. We have only Valerie's account of what happened. We understand how much in crisis these events could cause for BOTH parties. The most important thing here is our desire to help heal her troubled heart. This is a terrible thing that happened in this home. We hope that we can give her some ideas on how to proceed to make her life better. We pray for peace and understanding to heal them.

Believe me...I COULD write a book about violence in the home. It scars the children for a lifetime.

Hi 1aokgal. I am sorry to hear your family history.

I am also sorry for my misunderstanding of what you wrote and the way I expressed myself.

Dear John agape..

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate that. You express yourself pretty rigid and like a guy with military training! My birth father was a LT. CMDR. Navy and brother, Lt. Col. AF, retired. :-)

I repeat my last sentence, "It scars the children for a lifetime."

Children forced to witness/endure brutality in the home will never escape the trauma.
I wonder if Valerie came from a chaotic childhood before she finds herself in a home where conflict rules? It is pretty typical that when there is no strong family unit, that child may find themselves, as an adult, in a similar relationship. Go figure!

I'm glad I had a good friend who steered me correctly when I was injured. Had I followed through on the police complaint, his military career would have ended and I (two children) would have needed public assistance. It took months to recover and job training to change careers, as I was severely injured. So the first thing Valerie must feel after these events, is fear and panic for the future. She is fortunate to find caring replies on this forum.

Valerie has many decisions to make. It is less important to assess fault, then to listen, and have some good referrals for marital or emotional counseling and life skills so her future is better.
John, how good of you to want to help and give that male viewpoint.