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18th August 2015, 10:40 PM
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#46
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
I dont agree ndy, I would do the same, her or me. There is no way I would sit around for months or even years hoping that one day she may remember me and the other relationship didnt work out and she may come back. I may give her a last chance and if she said no that would be it and I would then ask her to come and collect her belongings.
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Fair enough, but is MF emotionally prepared for his W to choose the OW. Coz right now that's the choice SHE will make. I'll bet my house on it.
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19th August 2015, 01:47 AM
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#47
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Fair enough, but is MF emotionally prepared for his W to choose the OW. Coz right now that's the choice SHE will make. I'll bet my house on it.
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more than likely, but he has only asked that she decides within a certain time so that he isnt waiting many months or even years in limbo not knowing whether to try and move on or whether to keep hoping. We have seen what that did to poor Ralf
We are all different of course, I wouldnt be anyones reserve plan b and would rather be alone that that, but others seem to be ok with their errant spouse returning even if its not for the right reasons(their affair didnt work out).
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19th August 2015, 09:13 AM
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#48
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
more than likely, but he has only asked that she decides within a certain time so that he isnt waiting many months or even years in limbo not knowing whether to try and move on or whether to keep hoping. We have seen what that did to poor Ralf
We are all different of course, I wouldnt be anyones reserve plan b and would rather be alone than that, but others seem to be ok with their errant spouse returning even if its not for the right reasons(their affair didnt work out).
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Yes if the occasion arose then I would have her back but only after much discussion and possibly even counselling / mediation but she hasn't had an A and it's merely a pipe dream to even think that we could even reach that stage as there is total NC both sides in any respect, however if she had been unfaithful then there would be no chance of R, and I would of filed for D a long time ago.
Last edited by ralfgarnett; 19th August 2015 at 09:53 AM.
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19th August 2015, 09:31 AM
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#49
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
more than likely, but he has only asked that she decides within a certain time so that he isnt waiting many months or even years in limbo not knowing whether to try and move on or whether to keep hoping. We have seen what that did to poor Ralf
We are all different of course, I wouldnt be anyones reserve plan b and would rather be alone that that, but others seem to be ok with their errant spouse returning even if its not for the right reasons(their affair didnt work out).
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IMO there is no need for either. Sure, I made the same mistake hoping she would see sense but that's just not how it pans out. So moving on is just fine (moving on isn't giving up) but IMO ultimatums are just barriers that the WW is already desperately breaking free from. You are essentially arguing with her that she is wrong (which may well be the case but words won't work with a WW). I think it's best, and it is only my opinion, is to move on and don't put your life on hold waiting for the time frame to expire. It just causes more stress especially when the time comes to and end. MF should focus on MF, not his WW.
Remember also, with a WW it's not about the LBS. The best thing a LBS can do in this situation is to remove themselves from it as much as possible, and I'm talking from experience here. The sooner you detach from the WW the better you will feel. And that means NC, GAL and dropping the rope.
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19th August 2015, 11:18 AM
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#50
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
IMO there is no need for either. Sure, I made the same mistake hoping she would see sense but that's just not how it pans out. So moving on is just fine (moving on isn't giving up) but IMO ultimatums are just barriers that the WW is already desperately breaking free from. You are essentially arguing with her that she is wrong (which may well be the case but words won't work with a WW). I think it's best, and it is only my opinion, is to move on and don't put your life on hold waiting for the time frame to expire. It just causes more stress especially when the time comes to and end. MF should focus on MF, not his WW.
Remember also, with a WW it's not about the LBS. The best thing a LBS can do in this situation is to remove themselves from it as much as possible, and I'm talking from experience here. The sooner you detach from the WW the better you will feel. And that means NC, GAL and dropping the rope.
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I still don't even really know what moving on actually means, my life was so intertwined with her, our married life together, and my love for her that it's like unravelling a big ball of knotted electric wire, I am definitely much calmer than I was but the emotions are still there, I think of her frequently throughout the day and my brain is still trying to figure out what happened and is still trying to find ways to woo her back, and I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a good few weeks I think.
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19th August 2015, 12:49 PM
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#51
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
I still don't even really know what moving on actually means, my life was so intertwined with her, our married life together, and my love for her that it's like unravelling a big ball of knotted electric wire, I am definitely much calmer than I was but the emotions are still there, I think of her frequently throughout the day and my brain is still trying to figure out what happened and is still trying to find ways to woo her back, and I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a good few weeks I think.
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This is the exact opposite of moving on. This is staying still. Moving on simply means living your life without your W. This demonstrates that you are not enmeshed in her (which is really unattractive) and she may well sit up and take notice. Trust me on this, she may be at the other end of town with total NC but she will find out and she will take notice.
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19th August 2015, 01:37 PM
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#52
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
This is the exact opposite of moving on. This is staying still. Moving on simply means living your life without your W. This demonstrates that you are not enmeshed in her (which is really unattractive) and she may well sit up and take notice. Trust me on this, she may be at the other end of town with total NC but she will find out and she will take notice.
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Well by definition I am moving on then as I have been living without her for over a year now, when we lived together I was not clingy or enmeshed in anyway I had no reason to be, if anything she was almost possessive with me at times but never the other way round, once again I had no need to be, it is only post B day that I have looked retrospectively at our lives and realised how entwined our lives were in many respects, we both had outside interests too but predmominantly we spent the lions share of the previous 19 years with each other to great success as we had no obvious issues with each other one of the most enjoyable aspects about marriage was sharing and spending time together, I didn't spend all weekend out on the lash leaving her behind and neither did she in fact quite the opposite with the exception of the occasional Friday night every 3 weeks or so we spent every Saturday together and every sunday afternoon and of course 7 evenings a week, but you know me mate I am very easily confused, are you trying to tell me that me doing what I am now (total NC 4 weeks tomorrow) I a good or bad thing ?.
Last edited by ralfgarnett; 19th August 2015 at 01:59 PM.
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19th August 2015, 02:00 PM
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#53
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
Well by definition I am moving on then as I have been living without her for over a year now, when we lived together I was not clingy or enmeshed in anyway I had no reason to be, if anything she was almost possessive with me at times but never the other way round, once again I had no need to be, it is only post B day that I have looked retrospectively at our lives and realised how entwined our lives were in many respects, we both had outside interests too but predmominantly we spent the lions share of the previous 19 years with each other to great success as we had no obvious issues with each other one of the most enjoyable aspects about marriage was sharing and spending time together, I didn't spend all weekend out on the lash leaving her behind and neither did she in fact quite the opposite with the exception of the occasional Friday night every 3 weeks or so we spent every Saturday together and every sunday afternoon and of course 7 evenings a week, but you know me mate I am very easily confused, are you trying to tell me that me doing what I am now (total NC 4 weeks tomorrow) I a good or bad thing ?.
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Hi mate
I'm not telling you anything. I'm referring to MF's sitch.
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19th August 2015, 02:07 PM
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#54
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Hi mate
I'm not telling you anything. I'm referring to MF's sitch.
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oh sorry mate it's just that you quoted me that's all.
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19th August 2015, 02:14 PM
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#55
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett
Well by definition I am moving on then as I have been living without her for over a year now, when we lived together I was not clingy or enmeshed in anyway I had no reason to be, if anything she was almost possessive with me at times but never the other way round, once again I had no need to be, it is only post B day that I have looked retrospectively at our lives and realised how entwined our lives were in many respects, we both had outside interests too but predmominantly we spent the lions share of the previous 19 years with each other to great success as we had no obvious issues with each other one of the most enjoyable aspects about marriage was sharing and spending time together, I didn't spend all weekend out on the lash leaving her behind and neither did she in fact quite the opposite with the exception of the occasional Friday night every 3 weeks or so we spent every Saturday together and every sunday afternoon and of course 7 evenings a week, but you know me mate I am very easily confused, are you trying to tell me that me doing what I am now (total NC 4 weeks tomorrow) I a good or bad thing ?.
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ralf those who are married are supposed to be enmeshed, that's what marriage is, and that is why its so painful when it ends. The 'uncoupling' as that weird lady Gwyneth Paltro calls it, is hard and painful and takes a long time. Its like 2 pieces of paper that have been glued together for many years that you are now trying to tear apart.
When my marriage ended so suddenly it felt as if someone had cut open my chest, gouged out my heart, and left a big black empty hole. for many months I had a physical pain in my chest, not just emotional. I guess thats why they call it a broken heart.
BTW I think you are doing so well, and dont worry about the crying, it will build up and need releasing every so often and its very healing.
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19th August 2015, 02:37 PM
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#56
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
ralf those who are married are supposed to be enmeshed, that's what marriage is, and that is why its so painful when it ends. The 'uncoupling' as that weird lady Gwyneth Paltro calls it, is hard and painful and takes a long time. Its like 2 pieces of paper that have been glued together for many years that you are now trying to tear apart.
When my marriage ended so suddenly it felt as if someone had cut open my chest, gouged out my heart, and left a big black empty hole. for many months I had a physical pain in my chest, not just emotional. I guess thats why they call it a broken heart.
BTW I think you are doing so well, and dont worry about the crying, it will build up and need releasing every so often and its very healing.
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Yes that's my view on marriage too as long as it is a healthy enmeshment which we had, since this all happened I have from time to time felt a failure until my councillor pointed out that for 19 years or so I was 50% of keeping a healthy happy relationship together, and yes I feel that pain too, I feel gutted like a Manx kipper, totally empty, anyway thread being passed back to O/P, apologies for the intrusion and misunderstanding.
Last edited by ralfgarnett; 19th August 2015 at 02:45 PM.
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19th August 2015, 04:01 PM
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#57
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Stop right there. No more ultimatums. No more text. Stop now. You're doing more damage than good. It won't work because you've been sacked as her H. But you are still acting like her H. Think about it. You are basically saying come home now and we'll forget what happened.
Not strong dude.
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I don't see it that way....I see it as:
You have up and left with no warning...
You have left behind all your responsibilities....home and family
You have engaged in an affair...
**** or get off the pot....either ask for forgiveness and let's see if there is something to salvage here or get your lawyer and let's get the lid on the coffin because I am not waiting around in separation limbo much longer. And by the way...if you want out of the marriage then....you pay for the divorce. You are the one who bailed on it.
That is about as strong as I can get besides packing up her belongings and taking them to Goodwill tomorrow.
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19th August 2015, 04:04 PM
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#58
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
I dont agree ndy, I would do the same, her or me. There is no way I would sit around for months or even years hoping that one day she may remember me and the other relationship didnt work out and she may come back. I may give her a last chance and if she said no that would be it and I would then ask her to come and collect her belongings.
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Took the words right out of my mouth there 'chosen'. That is my exact thought. Either stop the BS...think about what you have done for 10 minutes....then decide.
Come back and ask for forgiveness and let's see if we can work towards reconcile which may take months but at least something is progressing....
-or-
Say your done, let go of your fall back plan...and let's drive the nail in the coffin and move on our separate ways.
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19th August 2015, 04:16 PM
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#59
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 35
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
IMO there is no need for either. Sure, I made the same mistake hoping she would see sense but that's just not how it pans out. So moving on is just fine (moving on isn't giving up) but IMO ultimatums are just barriers that the WW is already desperately breaking free from. You are essentially arguing with her that she is wrong (which may well be the case but words won't work with a WW). I think it's best, and it is only my opinion, is to move on and don't put your life on hold waiting for the time frame to expire. It just causes more stress especially when the time comes to and end. MF should focus on MF, not his WW.
Remember also, with a WW it's not about the LBS. The best thing a LBS can do in this situation is to remove themselves from it as much as possible, and I'm talking from experience here. The sooner you detach from the WW the better you will feel. And that means NC, GAL and dropping the rope.
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notDoneYet - Sorry as I am new to this...what is WW, GAL, and LBS ?
I get OW = other woman and NC = No contact.
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19th August 2015, 04:19 PM
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#60
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: And yet another "I love you but not in love with you" story
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mfrisco
Took the words right out of my mouth there 'chosen'. That is my exact thought. Either stop the BS...think about what you have done for 10 minutes....then decide.
Come back and ask for forgiveness and let's see if we can work towards reconcile which may take months but at least something is progressing....
-or-
Say your done, let go of your fall back plan...and let's drive the nail in the coffin and move on our separate ways.
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have you heard back from her yet?
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