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Old 4th August 2015, 05:39 PM   #676
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I have a few people I talk to. Most of my family is gone, but I have an aunt I keep up with and a few people that know my sitch. I have wanted to keep a lot of this to myself. I even lost some people I thought were my friends because they decided to be friends with the six figure a year hot-shot researcher (Dr. As**ole) at the prestigious University. Why be friends with little old me? People can be shallow in this town, trust me. But I still have people to talk to. To be honest, I've learned more on this forum than from people that have no clue what I am going through.
Hi LDT and privacy is your right of course, I havent said too much locally in fact so many people think I have disappeared, sadly my last Aunty & Uncle died in Dublin 2 years ago with 3 months of each other so I have no close family to speak of, I have cousins in the US, Canada, Malta, Australia, NZ, and of course Ireland, but hardly anyone I keep in touch with frequently which is sad, I did get a phone call in January from a 2nd cousin researching our geaneology and she invited me over but I honestly feel like a spare part at the moment and none of this family know of our separation, so haven't gone and anyway I don't want to fly at the moment, even 45 minutes to Dublin scares me with the DVT, but I will see mt Dr in a few weeks and I will re-visit that with him as I don't want to be stranded here much longer with no escape.
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Old 10th September 2015, 03:19 AM   #677
melly997
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Smile Re: Oh no...oh no...

I am so sorry. My husband did a similar thing in July but it was by text and, like you, I can think of nothing more cowardly. Five years of marriage ended so quickly, coldly , with no effort & the explanation in those few lines 'I'm better on my own, need to look after myself'. Prior to this I let him go stay with a friend to get perspective because he said he felt the world closing in on him- but there was still hope. Then one day after weeks of being ignored I get the text message. I haven't heard from him since & I don't even know where he is. Abandoned- that's the only way I can describe how I feel. I hope both you & I can find the strength to realise that our value is more than they made us feel.
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Old 10th September 2015, 12:57 PM   #678
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
I am so sorry. My husband did a similar thing in July but it was by text and, like you, I can think of nothing more cowardly. Five years of marriage ended so quickly, coldly , with no effort & the explanation in those few lines 'I'm better on my own, need to look after myself'. Prior to this I let him go stay with a friend to get perspective because he said he felt the world closing in on him- but there was still hope. Then one day after weeks of being ignored I get the text message. I haven't heard from him since & I don't even know where he is. Abandoned- that's the only way I can describe how I feel. I hope both you & I can find the strength to realise that our value is more than they made us feel.
Do you think there is someone else?
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Old 10th September 2015, 03:02 PM   #679
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
I am so sorry. My husband did a similar thing in July but it was by text and, like you, I can think of nothing more cowardly. Five years of marriage ended so quickly, coldly , with no effort & the explanation in those few lines 'I'm better on my own, need to look after myself'. Prior to this I let him go stay with a friend to get perspective because he said he felt the world closing in on him- but there was still hope. Then one day after weeks of being ignored I get the text message. I haven't heard from him since & I don't even know where he is. Abandoned- that's the only way I can describe how I feel. I hope both you & I can find the strength to realise that our value is more than they made us feel.
Hi Melly so sorry to hear your story, yes they are all cowardly be it husbands or wives that cant look us in the eye and face us, horrible low life b-stards I hope they all rot in hell for their horrible nasty cowardly crimes.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 10th September 2015 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 10th September 2015, 03:44 PM   #680
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I simply cant comprehend ending a relationship by text let alone a marriage. Maybe thats because I am not of that generation, how cowardly.

Last edited by chosen; 10th September 2015 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 10th September 2015, 03:46 PM   #681
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
I am so sorry. My husband did a similar thing in July but it was by text and, like you, I can think of nothing more cowardly. Five years of marriage ended so quickly, coldly , with no effort & the explanation in those few lines 'I'm better on my own, need to look after myself'. Prior to this I let him go stay with a friend to get perspective because he said he felt the world closing in on him- but there was still hope. Then one day after weeks of being ignored I get the text message. I haven't heard from him since & I don't even know where he is. Abandoned- that's the only way I can describe how I feel. I hope both you & I can find the strength to realise that our value is more than they made us feel.
I am so sorry, Melly. How awful. I hope you are getting support at this time. I know we're here to support you, as well.

An email, a text...yes, cowardly is the perfect word to describe this. We deserved better.

I don't know what your husband is going through. I hope you can get to the bottom of all this. He said he felt the world was closing in on him. Do you have any idea why he would say something like that?
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Old 11th September 2015, 12:49 AM   #682
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

It's 8 weeks today & I haven't heard from him or seen him. I have sent a couple of texts but no reply.He hasn't collected his things & he's still paying a couple of bills. Don't think this means anything as possessions can be replaced (which he said he had to do after his first marriage so could do it again) & he doesn't truly value money (if he has it he spends it if he has none he doesn't).
I don't think there's anyone else but I never thought he was a coward either so who knows.
In November he lost someone he though of as a father figure, in January we had a fur baby diagnosed with lymphoma & had to make the decision to send him over the Rainbow Bridge, then in April a lovely old fella we knew got sick & then passed in May, in April my husband lost a good friend in Afghanistan, my husband's job is in court security so he has to sit in trials listening to graphic & horrible details. Hence the world closing in. We both tend to keep a lot in side & don't really talk about it to each other. Luckily I can talk to friends whereas he doesn't (I know he was getting a little work counselling). I don't know if he became depressed & it was easier to 'run away' then deal with it.
I swing between anger & grief for what he's done & then I try to justify his actions because of the above reasons which gives me false hope of a reconciliation & it's making the recovery process so much harder. I know I love him & when he moved out I believe he loved me but I can't understand the cold, callous way he ended our marriage & there's no justifiable reason for that.
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Old 11th September 2015, 05:01 PM   #683
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Melly. Are you getting any support from family or friends? What do they think of his actions? Do you think some counseling might help you deal with this betrayal? In my case, I am getting counseling and it has helped somewhat.
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Old 11th September 2015, 06:55 PM   #684
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
It's 8 weeks today & I haven't heard from him or seen him. I have sent a couple of texts but no reply.He hasn't collected his things & he's still paying a couple of bills. Don't think this means anything as possessions can be replaced (which he said he had to do after his first marriage so could do it again) & he doesn't truly value money (if he has it he spends it if he has none he doesn't).
I don't think there's anyone else but I never thought he was a coward either so who knows.
In November he lost someone he though of as a father figure, in January we had a fur baby diagnosed with lymphoma & had to make the decision to send him over the Rainbow Bridge, then in April a lovely old fella we knew got sick & then passed in May, in April my husband lost a good friend in Afghanistan, my husband's job is in court security so he has to sit in trials listening to graphic & horrible details. Hence the world closing in. We both tend to keep a lot in side & don't really talk about it to each other. Luckily I can talk to friends whereas he doesn't (I know he was getting a little work counselling). I don't know if he became depressed & it was easier to 'run away' then deal with it.
I swing between anger & grief for what he's done & then I try to justify his actions because of the above reasons which gives me false hope of a reconciliation & it's making the recovery process so much harder. I know I love him & when he moved out I believe he loved me but I can't understand the cold, callous way he ended our marriage & there's no justifiable reason for that.
Why did his first marriage end?
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Old 12th September 2015, 04:56 AM   #685
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Chosen, he's ex-military & he told me that his wife got tired of the moving & his absence & left. I don't know if that's true or not because he has a habit of not putting himself in a bad light. For example he failed getting a truck license & told me it was because he got nervous & mucked the assessment up, but he told others that it was because he had bad eyesight & didn't read a road sign in time. He says he's not a people person but I don't believe this at all because he was always going to the pub to see his mates (one of the reasons I often got angry because I got so little time with him). He's also the type not to admit when he makes mistakes.
There are a number of things he did throughout our marriage that hurt me but I chose to forgive & give him another chance because I loved him, I wanted our marriage to last (I only wanted to get married once).
Today I saw him down at the local shopping centre. My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest again. This is the first time I have seen him & I didn't think he was even living in the area. There was no interaction & no reaction by him & all I could think was that he looks good & happy. How unfair that the person who caused so much pain can go on as if nothing happened while I still cry tears.
I know I had my faults but I made it clear that I was willing to do anything to support him & us & get us back on track, but that takes two.
LDT, I have a great support network but I feel like a broken record when It gets to me & I'm feeling down & I don't want to keep loading them up with my issues especially since some of them haven't been in a similar situation so can't truly understand what I'm going through.
Thank you all for listening & letting me get this off my chest as I know some of your situations are worse than mine.
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Old 12th September 2015, 09:50 AM   #686
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
It's 8 weeks today & I haven't heard from him or seen him. I have sent a couple of texts but no reply.He hasn't collected his things & he's still paying a couple of bills. Don't think this means anything as possessions can be replaced (which he said he had to do after his first marriage so could do it again) & he doesn't truly value money (if he has it he spends it if he has none he doesn't).
I don't think there's anyone else but I never thought he was a coward either so who knows.
In November he lost someone he though of as a father figure, in January we had a fur baby diagnosed with lymphoma & had to make the decision to send him over the Rainbow Bridge, then in April a lovely old fella we knew got sick & then passed in May, in April my husband lost a good friend in Afghanistan, my husband's job is in court security so he has to sit in trials listening to graphic & horrible details. Hence the world closing in. We both tend to keep a lot in side & don't really talk about it to each other. Luckily I can talk to friends whereas he doesn't (I know he was getting a little work counselling). I don't know if he became depressed & it was easier to 'run away' then deal with it.
I swing between anger & grief for what he's done & then I try to justify his actions because of the above reasons which gives me false hope of a reconciliation & it's making the recovery process so much harder. I know I love him & when he moved out I believe he loved me but I can't understand the cold, callous way he ended our marriage & there's no justifiable reason for that.
Hi Melly, your story of events rings very true to me and I can see a lot in your husbands problems that I have detected in my wife's problems and reasons for leaving, I am not a pshycologist and neither a gambler, but if I was a betting man I would put money on your husband suffering from life and work related depression which has caused him to have a MLC, how old is he btw ?.
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Old 12th September 2015, 09:55 AM   #687
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by melly997 View Post
Chosen, he's ex-military & he told me that his wife got tired of the moving & his absence & left. I don't know if that's true or not because he has a habit of not putting himself in a bad light. For example he failed getting a truck license & told me it was because he got nervous & mucked the assessment up, but he told others that it was because he had bad eyesight & didn't read a road sign in time. He says he's not a people person but I don't believe this at all because he was always going to the pub to see his mates (one of the reasons I often got angry because I got so little time with him). He's also the type not to admit when he makes mistakes.
There are a number of things he did throughout our marriage that hurt me but I chose to forgive & give him another chance because I loved him, I wanted our marriage to last (I only wanted to get married once).
Today I saw him down at the local shopping centre. My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest again. This is the first time I have seen him & I didn't think he was even living in the area. There was no interaction & no reaction by him & all I could think was that he looks good & happy. How unfair that the person who caused so much pain can go on as if nothing happened while I still cry tears.
I know I had my faults but I made it clear that I was willing to do anything to support him & us & get us back on track, but that takes two.
LDT, I have a great support network but I feel like a broken record when It gets to me & I'm feeling down & I don't want to keep loading them up with my issues especially since some of them haven't been in a similar situation so can't truly understand what I'm going through.
Thank you all for listening & letting me get this off my chest as I know some of your situations are worse than mine.
"I know some of your situations are worse than mine"

Wrong Melly please don't devaluate your problem, your situation is as equally unfair and horrible to all our situations, we all hurt and grieve, you are no different so are totally equal to all the sad stories on here.
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Old 12th September 2015, 11:26 AM   #688
melly997
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Thanks for the support Ralf. He's 46. The day after his birthday is when our lovely old friend (& the one person he took advice from & would confide in) passed away.
When I let him go to stay with his friend so he had no responsibility & could just 'be' for a few days he was there for 7 weeks. First 2 he kept saying he loved me & we'd be ok & he was just trying to get perspective, that he hadn't given up on us or our marriage but then he just cut all contact.
The friend he stayed with told me after he moved out of his place that he didn't talk much, came home from work, had a beer & then went to bed & he'd lost a lot of weight.
I too thought depression but I am still at a loss as to how you love someone who is willing to support you, then just cut her out of your life, then end a marriage so cruelly & callously by text. I know depression affects everyone differently but it still came as a shock & I am left feeling that if/when he improves he'll think that because I am the only thing he cut from his life that I must be to blame. And seeing him today smiling & talking to a friend just made it all real that I have lost him. But because he's never given me an answer except 'better on my own' I don't truly know the reason he ran away.
I don't want to belittle him or his problems but I do wish he'd kept his word about not giving up because I never did.
It's a vicious circle in my head as I said because I go from anger to grief but there's also the part that keeps wanting him to come home & realistically I know he's not the person who will do that.
I know with time things will improve but I will always regret what has happened.

Last edited by melly997; 12th September 2015 at 11:28 AM. Reason: Additional information
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Old 12th September 2015, 01:04 PM   #689
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Have you thought of writing him a letter explaining that you want to know what has happened and that as his wife you need to know the reasons for his leaving and what his plans are for the future. Have you got another mutual friend/family member who can encourage him to see you and talk properly?
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Old 12th September 2015, 06:48 PM   #690
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Please come here as much as you need to, Melly. We want to help.

Seeing him must have been so hard for you. Do you think he saw you and pretended not to, or did he not see you?

He does sound depressed. I wonder if he will regret how he has treated you someday.

I agree with Chosen. He needs to know your side of things--through a letter or face-to-face. You also need an idea of what the future will hold.

You need time to grieve and that's okay. Take time and treat yourself well. Don't forget to eat properly, be around people sometimes, etc.
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