I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[ralfgarnett]

Afternoon gents thanks for your replies, it's all a big slog though isn't it ?, I have said before that I think my lack of acceptance is due to her not cheating on me but instead just bogging off out of no where, had she cheated on me then I would of found acceptance way before now because that is a no goer and crosses the point of no return and I would of started to hate her for her deceit, had she done that then all her stuff would of been in a skip out side with a jerry can of petrol over it and me setting fire to it long ago probably last year, I would hate her now for that and would of been getting over this so much faster, and would of made her life a bloody misery, I know everyone probably thinks that Ralf is a placid peaceful grieving husband, but push me in the wrong direction and you will know about it.

But it wasn't like that, I was still being told that she loved me an couldn't ever see her life without me in it, we were still meeting up 2 or 3 times weekly for a coffee, or a walk or she would just come round for a chat or to bring me bits of shopping or something that her mum had cooked for me, I wasn't happy then but I was much happier than I am now because we were still seeing each other at least, but now it's different, I never see her she has gone to ground and never told me why, this has hurt me even more than I was hurt in the first place, but you see I don't hate her, not sure if I like or love her either though, I do know that under the right circumstances I could fall deeply for her again, it wouldn't take much.

I know exactly her motives why she is doing what she is doing, it's her way of problem solving, if she can't see, hear, or touch it then in her head it doesn't exist, NDY you elude to "actions speak louder than words" what she doesn't realise is that her changed actions are speaking volumes to me, I know exactly what she will be thinking and why she is doing what she is doing, I have witnessed it many times over our years together sadly including the death of her dear old dad.

One of my biggest problems is loneliness and isolation, I like people and people like me but I am now far too isolated and really need to find more things to do with my time, when I set up the business back then it was ideal working from home, no overheads, no commuting, no problem, made good profits that weren't eaten away with over heads, she used to go out to work about 8-45 and I would be at my desk by 9 at the latest, used to take 30 minutes lunch, hustle on the phones all day then start pepping our tea around 5 ish and she would be home any time between 5-15 / 5-45 or so, it was great I had her company evenings and weekends it was a great work/life balance and it worked really well, but now I have lost that structure and badly need to get it back somehow, but my motivation is poor because I know I could be alone all day and that is not a cheery prospect for a sagitarius like me, we like company and lot's of it, I have only seen a couple of people so far today and doubt very much if I will, this is a problem, luckily business is still coming in and I have had a few good sales months, but it's mainly repeat, and you can't survive purely on repeats.

This is far from over by a long chalk, there will be more twists and turns before the final scenes are played out, one day she has to break cover, and when she does then bam it's Ralfy's turn to jump in the pool.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Afternoon gents thanks for your replies, it's all a big slog though isn't it ?, I have said before that I think my lack of acceptance is due to her not cheating on me but instead just bogging off out of no where, had she cheated on me then I would of found acceptance way before now because that is a no goer and crosses the point of no return and I would of started to hate her for her deceit, had she done that then all her stuff would of been in a skip out side with a jerry can of petrol over it and me setting fire to it long ago probably last year, I would hate her now for that and would of been getting over this so much faster, and would of made her life a bloody misery, I know everyone probably thinks that Ralf is a placid peaceful grieving husband, but push me in the wrong direction and you will know about it.

Hi mate. Cheating is a symptom of something else. When a WAS leaves it doesn't matter if there is an OP in the picture. They thought about leaving for a very long time before WE find out about it. Don't confuse the reason she walked away with the OM. That's not what happens.

But it wasn't like that, I was still being told that she loved me an couldn't ever see her life without me in it, we were still meeting up 2 or 3 times weekly for a coffee, or a walk or she would just come round for a chat or to bring me bits of shopping or something that her mum had cooked for me, I wasn't happy then but I was much happier than I am now because we were still seeing each other at least, but now it's different, I never see her she has gone to ground and never told me why, this has hurt me even more than I was hurt in the first place, but you see I don't hate her, not sure if I like or love her either though, I do know that under the right circumstances I could fall deeply for her again, it wouldn't take much.

The day after my WW's A became a PA we ML. Think on that

I know exactly her motives why she is doing what she is doing, it's her way of problem solving, if she can't see, hear, or touch it then in her head it doesn't exist, NDY you elude to "actions speak louder than words" what she doesn't realise is that her changed actions are speaking volumes to me, I know exactly what she will be thinking and why she is doing what she is doing, I have witnessed it many times over our years together sadly including the death of her dear old dad.

This doesn't matter. It's what SHE wants and how SHE feels. She doesn't want the M and she doesn't want to be with you. That may change in the future but it's the reality right now.

One of my biggest problems is loneliness and isolation, I like people and people like me but I am now far too isolated and really need to find more things to do with my time, when I set up the business back then it was ideal working from home, no overheads, no commuting, no problem, made good profits that weren't eaten away with over heads, she used to go out to work about 8-45 and I would be at my desk by 9 at the latest, used to take 30 minutes lunch, hustle on the phones all day then start pepping our tea around 5 ish and she would be home any time between 5-15 / 5-45 or so, it was great I had her company evenings and weekends it was a great work/life balance and it worked really well, but now I have lost that structure and badly need to get it back somehow, but my motivation is poor because I know I could be alone all day and that is not a cheery prospect for a sagitarius like me, we like company and lot's of it, I have only seen a couple of people so far today and doubt very much if I will, this is a problem, luckily business is still coming in and I have had a few good sales months, but it's mainly repeat, and you can't survive purely on repeats.

Yes, I get this. We talked about this before and you are making inroads. Just keep going with that.

This is far from over by a long chalk, there will be more twists and turns before the final scenes are played out, one day she has to break cover, and when she does then bam it's Ralfy's turn to jump in the pool.

I believe this to be true. But no expectations. You still need to move on, no matter what.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi mate "The day after my WW's A became a PA we ML. Think on that"

ML = ?, isn't that the postcode for Motherwell ?, oh I get it you went to Fir Park together, oh well whatever floats your boat, I haven't been to a footy match with her since the year we got married, Crewe Alexandra at home 0-0 draw crikey it was awful, I think that's one of the last games I went too also, after 20 plus years of watching rubbish I think I thought enough is enough.

[notDoneYet]

ML stands for the things normal married couples do when you go to bed [hint : hint]

[ralfgarnett]

Oh i get you, so you went to Fur Park not Fir Park ?, you surprise me though mate, surely that's sloppy 2nd's ?.

[notDoneYet]

I didn't know and she claims at that time it was only kissing. Still adultery. But my point is that you can't tell what's going on with a WAS. They may well look and act normal, telling you the love you and making plans for the future but in reality in their heads they are making a plan to leave.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

I didn't know and she claims at that time it was only kissing. Still adultery. But my point is that you can't tell what's going on with a WAS. They may well look and act normal, telling you the love you and making plans for the future but in reality in their heads they are making a plan to leave.

I am not so sure about mine, I still think she panicked and legged it, a couple of things that tell me this, 1) nearly all her gear is still here, we have talked about this many times, but if she was planning this then surely she would of had a plan regarding this
2) the Saturday before we booked and paid in advance for a week in Germany last September, we obviously always paid for our flights up front, but we only ever paid for accommodation when we got there, on this occasion we had no choice with Airbnb but to pay up front, so I paid for both our flights and the accommodation and then straight away she trasnfered her half in to my account, now you need to know my wife to understand what I mean by this but she was never ever one for throwing her money away quite the opposite, she learned a very hard lesson about money around 10 years ago and was very very careful with what money she had and became more so over the next 10 years almost to the point of obsession, believe me matey if she was planning on leaving she wouldn't of done what she did, nope something happened quickly to her and she ran off, not from me but from whatever is going on in her head, this too is well documented on my own thread so I'm not going over them again right now, but I know what I know and my gut feeling is that this was a knee jerk reaction to something and only she knows exactly what happened that day, also I know that I will receive and e-mail from her tommorow.

[notDoneYet]

Ive followed your sitch so it's ok, you don't need to go over it again but...

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I am not so sure about mine, I still think she panicked and legged it, a couple of things that tell me this, 1) nearly all her gear is still here, we have talked about this many times, but if she was planning this then surely she would of had a plan regarding this

It's not necessarily a plan. It's a moment. Get me? Like when something finally gives and woosh. It just happens. It's not like a scheme or anything just lingering thoughts that keep occuring. Trust me Ralf, your wife did this.

2) the Saturday before we booked and paid in advance for a week in Germany last September, we obviously always paid for our flights up front, but we only ever paid for accommodation when we got there, on this occasion we had no choice with Airbnb but to pay up front, so I paid for both our flights and the accommodation and then straight away she trasnfered her half in to my account, now you need to know my wife to understand what I mean by this but she was never ever one for throwing her money away quite the opposite, she learned a very hard lesson about money around 10 years ago and was very very careful with what money she had and became more so over the next 10 years almost to the point of obsession, believe me matey if she was planning on leaving she wouldn't of done what she did, nope something happened quickly to her and she ran off, not from me but from whatever is going on in her head, this too is well documented on my own thread so I'm not going over them again right now, but I know what I know and my gut feeling is that this was a knee jerk reaction to something and only she knows exactly what happened that day, also I know that I will receive and e-mail from her tommorow.

Like I said they act normal right to the point the bubble bursts. She's only running from the M. Forget how she was acting before she left. That was just a facade and she quite possibly at the point RIGHT UP TO THE MOMENT before she left still had doubts about what she was going to do. But she eventually got to that point.

As has been said before, people don't leave their M's easily. Your wife had good reason to leave but they are her reasons. You will never understand these reasons ralf. She may not even understand full herself but that is the choice she made. There may well have been external factors but there isn't anything you can do or say to change her mind. There are no other answers here apart from start living your life.

[ralfgarnett]

"It's not necessarily a plan. It's a moment. Get me? Like when something finally gives and woosh. It just happens. It's not like a scheme or anything just lingering thoughts that keep occuring. Trust me Ralf, your wife did this"

Your spot on here, this is almost exactly how she explained it mate, she said family illness and life / work stress factors became too much, overwhelmed her and tipped over the brink, as I said she basically bricked it, didn't know how to cope, and legged it fight or flight she chose flight, she knew she knew she could of confided in me but she didn't the rest is history.

[notDoneYet]

Yes, it is history. Look, every one of us here have had the same thoughts. Our WAS's had many choices and leaving was just one of them. Now, I know we're on a journey we didn't ask for but we're on it anyway. So we have to make our own choices. Start living or start dying?

I've also noticed ralf that your posts are changing. Have you noticed anything? I see the gaps between the lows widening. I think that's a good thing. I think you are starting to make progress even though sometimes it may not seem like it. Remember the see trick we talked about that day you felt peaceful not so long ago? Do that.

[ralfgarnett]

I see or feel very little or no changes or progress, but thanks for the gee up anyway.

[Lindentree1]

I agree with NDY that the WS can act normally right up until the end. My WH told me he wanted a divorce in July last year--we had already booked tickets for a trip in August. Weird stuff.

Ralf, I also agree with NDY and Chosen that you are getting stronger. I can see it in your posts. You have bad days, but I still see the strength.

I noticed we are all posting on UkGuy's thread. We might want to take this conversation to Ralf's thread.

[ralfgarnett]

Yes agreed, I have noticed recently that our conversations are happening all over the place, out of respect to the o/p's we should stay within our own threads, this is a nicely moderated forum, lets all keep within the rules,