How kind I find the strength to leave?

[Dibble]

Hi,

I’m 58, live with my partner, Janet and share a house together. We’ve been together for 15 yrs, most if not all of which I’ve spent working overseas in order to retire early – which I did in July this year.

We own a few houses jointly and I own 3 on my own which we rent out etc for retirement income. The reason the three are in my name is a long and sad story where she lost her temper and told me to shove them up my a*** when the houses i was proposing for her children - with zero mortgage - wasn't up to her expectations for them.

They were £150,000 each x 3 but not good enough and her kids had no job between them.

I have a 30 yr old daughter whom Janet despises, as well as despises her Mother, my ex. Janet has 3 children 25, 27 & 29, The youngest being a girl, the other two boys.

I have brought every one of them a house to rent off us – her children have drifted from one bum job to another, mine worked in a bank until she had her son in March this year, so she quit to bring him u with her husband.

Janets youngest son had a baby by being trapped into an unwanted pregnancy, subsequently they have no money and no resources and are constantly draining on us to bail them out out. Her other two are exactly the same – never stop whining and coming round with their hand out.

My daughter rarely comes over as she’s not welcome from Janet and her children + she’s very independent, like me I guess, and like my Father before me.

I’m no Tom Cruise, but Janet was (there’s a reason I say was) extremely attractive and my head was well and truly turned when she came on strong 15 yrs ago. It wasn’t something that happened to me, I was drawn in completely.

Everybody I knew warned me away, she worked in a bar, saying she was simply looking for a wayout of her dull and boring marriage and I was the way out(she had been going out with the guy since she was 13 and had never had another relationship), they also her kids were a bundle of trouble. My ego go the better of me though so I left a happy home, wrecked my wife’s life for a period and alienated my daughter for years to come.

For a while, a good while she was every man’s dream in every way.

For a long time her kids weren’t in the picture, her ex looked after the boys, the daughter came with us (although not in the plan but in reality I was duped), and I was away all the time. We kind of lived a life of constant just getting together for short periods and it stayed fresh and new. Not in the real world at all.

After about 6 yrs I was contacted by my 1st real love, Daf, after my Mother died. We got together and quickly fell in love. I had been going through bad times with Janet, her children had started to become a fixture more and more and she chose them over us all the time. Her ex had thrown her two sons out and she threatened to move them in with us ‘unless I brought them a house to rent at a very low rate’. I complied but resented it hugely.

It culminated in some bad things being said when she was challenged about her real loyalty and I left and set up with Daf. I was so happy, I had always loved her and she had me – we just broke up at 17 as most youngsters do and went separate ways.

But I got resentful of Janet. Within a few days, yes a few days, she worked back in a pub, met a bloke and moved him into our house. After a while he broke off with her and she contacted me about going back. I’d read some emails where she begged him to go back to her yet he said she’s be better off with me financially as he couldn’t give her what she wanted.

I was 2nd best but went back to protect what I had worked for thinking it could mend. I broke Daf’s heart and I haven’t seen nor spomen to her since but I think of her every day. She got married last year, to the guy she left for me, but I hope she’s happy – truly I do.

I knew that when Janets looks faded, there would be nothing left. As I said I'm no Tom Cruise so always considered myself lucky to attract her at all. We argue every day, we have nothing in common and do nothing together other than live in opposite ends of the house. We don’t sleep together, I can’t bring myself to try, I’m sure she feels the same.

She’s so stubborn I would consider her a bully and she knows all the emotional shut downs that I can’t deal with. I’m a fight or flee person, I don’t know how to fight her, I don’t want to flee at 58 and start again, wrecking my retirement plan in the process.

But I don’t want to be with her any longer. Why doesn’t she leave? Because all 3 of her kids are wholly dependent on us being together in the houses I’ve brought for them. If we broke up, they would have to move in with her and that would be unacceptable to her. She's actually told me that when pushed to anger.

Basically it’s ok for me to fork out and look after them and she’ll just sit at one end of the house to protect them, but she won’t walk away and take responsibility, as she doesn’t have to in the current situation.

She’s the type, she’s said so herself, that can simply go into total introvert and live an existence as long as she’s getting what she wants. She has no friends at all. Nobody whatsoever apart from her kids ever call her. She’s turned mine away, and surrounds herself with her 5 dogs and 3 children and doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead as long as the money keeps rolling in with her not having to lift a finger or work. She hasn't worked since we got together.

I know I have to lose 50% of what I’ve worked for, I know there’s nothing left for me with her, I know I’m 58 and getting older every day in this misery.

How can I find the strength to walk out, suffer the setback, the loneliness and try to re-build?

I’ve thought of ending my life, not often, and not really heavy, but it’s crossed my mind I’m so unhappy.

I don’t want to hate her and get angry, I’m not aggressive or violent, but if she died or left I wouldn’t care.

That can’t be right surely.

For those that reply and say it's my fault so fix it - fair enough.

For those who say enough is enough and leave - how? I don't know if I have the guts because if I did I would have done it already.

Thanks for your time :-(

[chosen]

OK so you broke up your family and deeply hurt your wife and daughter just because a woman who was physically attractive came on to you.Believe it or not, you could have said no(as so many men would) and actually been faithful to your wife.
Then you left her for another lady who was in a relationship herself, (so she too broken someone's heart), who you say you loved, then you left her and broke her heart to go back to this husband stealing women whose only intention was to have your money and properties. I hope that Daf doesnt break her husbands heart again, poor man.
Can you see the pattern? You cant go round breaking up marriages and relationships all your life and not expect bad consequences. You are now living with them.
Your daughter has also been deeply hurt by you abandoning her as a child and is distant as a result.

So you know you have made a mess of your life purely to have an attractive(physically) lady who appears to have no moral values or integrity or decency at all. In fact no redeeming features. Her children are following in her footsteps it seems, happy to sponge off you as she is and not to support themselves, and you are enabling it. You say how will I suffer the loneliness if you leave, but you are lonely now. You are unhappy now.

My advise, take back control of your life, stop letting others use you financially, and get legal advise from a solicitor. Find out what will happen to all the assets, and go from there. You are not married and have no dependant children so it wont be too hard. Nothing will change unless you do something. You are fortunate that you are well off, and in court her adult children will not be considered in anyway.
Once you have left and begin to rebuild, think hard about why you are so very free and easy with other peoples lives and hearts, and reflect on the fact that your lusts got you into this mess and what a waste that was.

You are only 58, you can turn your life around and make something good out of it and actually put something back into society. IF you are fortunate enough to meet anyone else, please look beyond their looks and see their heart and treat them with decency and respect. Dont play games with people any more.

[Raymond]

I agree. It seems such a mess but basically we reap what we sow. It seems the opposite of marriage and comittment. You were warned it appears. Man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart as the scripture says. Not that looks are irrelevant but it shouldn't be the number one priority. Resisting temptation outside of marriage comittment would have been a good place to start.

A change needs to happen and that basically has to start with you as we cannot change the other. I think seeing where you have gone wrong as outlined by Chosen is a good start. Adultery has not been mentioned but it is there between the lines. Personally I cannot see any progress being made without God but it is beyond the scope of these forums to go in to that unless requested.

There is hope but you need to seek it in the right places. How is you first wife doing at the moment. Has she married again?