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Old 22nd March 2015, 11:43 AM   #61
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

LDT how are you getting on ?, please check in when you can I need to know your ok.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 03:46 PM   #62
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
LDT how are you getting on ?, please check in when you can I need to know your ok.
Hi Ralf, I'm okay. had a bit of a bad sleep last night. I tried to occupy my mind with a book. Three days since the bomb dropped, but I know I'll be okay--eventually. If he doesn't want to be with me, I can't force him to stay. It was sad to watch him change from the man that loved me to a man I don't recognize anymore. I know people change, but I thought his love would be constant. It's sad. But like I said, he has the free will to stay away. I have to take care of myself. I see a counselor Friday.

He got a promotion and a rather large raise a few years ago. He became a bit arrogant. Most men stay with their wives that stood behind them all the years while they reached for success, but some men toss her aside for a new partner. Sometimes money changes one. Perhaps I didn't fit in his world anymore...

Whatever the reason, I need to accept it's over. I'm still having a hard time with that. I keep thinking if he loved me once, he still does. Eventually, the acceptance will come. I didn't write him anymore after that day, at least.

I just need to start looking forward. After the legal process is over, I'm thinking of moving to a different state to start over. A change might be good for me.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 22nd March 2015 at 06:45 PM.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 06:17 PM   #63
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Hi Ralf, I'm okay. had a bit of a bad sleep last night. I tried to occupy my mind with a book. Three days since the bomb dropped, but I know I'll be okay--eventually. If he doesn't want to be with me, I can't force him to stay. It was sad to watch him chance from the man that loved me to a man I don't recognize anymore. I know people change, but I thought his love would be constant. It's sad. But like I said, he has the free will to stay away. I have to take care of myself. I see a counselor Friday.

He got a promotion and a rather large raise a few years ago. He became a bit arrogant. Most men stay with their wives that stood behind them all the years while they reached for success, but some men toss her aside for a new partner. Sometimes money changes one. Perhaps I didn't fit in his world anymore...

Whatever the reason, I need to accept it's over. I'm still having a hard time with that. I keep thinking if he loved me once, he still does. Eventually, the acceptance will come. I didn't write him anymore after that day, at least.

I just need to start looking forward. After the legal process is over, I'm thinking of moving to a different state to start over. A change might be good for me.
Hey LDT. Glad you are back posting. Yes, you need to look after yourself. Please find that inner she worrior that is in there. I'm a few months ahead of you in this and trust me, the landscape will change time and time again. The WAS is confused, scared and running on emotion. You are still very raw. I get that. It's ok to grieve. But the thing is, the roller coaster isn't finished yet. There is more to come so you need to detach. It's for your own good. Detaching isn't about giving up or giving in. It's about you looking after you. We will get through this.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 06:30 PM   #64
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Hey LDT. Glad you are back posting. Yes, you need to look after yourself. Please find that inner she worrior that is in there. I'm a few months ahead of you in this and trust me, the landscape will change time and time again. The WAS is confused, scared and running on emotion. You are still very raw. I get that. It's ok to grieve. But the thing is, the roller coaster isn't finished yet. There is more to come so you need to detach. It's for your own good. Detaching isn't about giving up or giving in. It's about you looking after you. We will get through this.
Good, to hear from you, NDY. Detaching, that's a good idea. I read a trick about putting a band on your wrist and snapping it when thoughts come up about the walkaway spouse. I was doing it for awhile, and it helped. I need to do that again.And detaching will build up strength, so we can handle what will come up in the coming months. So we don't fall out of that roller coaster, ha,ha!

We will get through this, NDY. We will. And it's very good we have a forum to help each other through the good and bad days. I'm grateful for this.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 22nd March 2015 at 06:45 PM.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 09:19 PM   #65
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Good, to hear from you, NDY. Detaching, that's a good idea. I read a trick about putting a band on your wrist and snapping it when thoughts come up about the walkaway spouse. I was doing it for awhile, and it helped. I need to do that again.And detaching will build up strength, so we can handle what will come up in the coming months. So we don't fall out of that roller coaster, ha,ha!

We will get through this, NDY. We will. And it's very good we have a forum to help each other through the good and bad days. I'm grateful for this.
Not sure about the not thinking about the WAS. I find I need to play every scenario in my head so that I'm prepared for every interaction. But what ever works for you must be good. I know there is a whole Atlantic Ocean between us but one day I hope to lay a big friendly hug on you. Keep posting.
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Old 23rd March 2015, 09:51 PM   #66
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

I just need to get this off my chest. It's just how I'm feeling at the moment. Tomorrow may be better. But right now---AARRGGHH! LIFE SUCKS! ARRGGHH!

He's a jerk! He's a jerk! He's a JERK!

I had to get that off my chest.

Thank you.
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Old 23rd March 2015, 10:00 PM   #67
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I just need to get this off my chest. It's just how I'm feeling at the moment. Tomorrow may be better. But right now---AARRGGHH! LIFE SUCKS! ARRGGHH!

He's a jerk! He's a jerk! He's a JERK!

I had to get that off my chest.

Thank you.
Let it all out, better now ?
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Old 23rd March 2015, 10:19 PM   #68
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Yes, actually. : )
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Old 24th March 2015, 12:59 AM   #69
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I just need to get this off my chest. It's just how I'm feeling at the moment. Tomorrow may be better. But right now---AARRGGHH! LIFE SUCKS! ARRGGHH!

He's a jerk! He's a jerk! He's a JERK!

I had to get that off my chest.

Thank you.
We have a word here I'd like to export to North America. He's a ****. A **** is 10 times more of a low life than a jerk. So he's a ****.
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Old 24th March 2015, 01:01 AM   #70
notDoneYet
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Burger. I got edited. Ok, try again. The first word is t.w.a.t and the second one is j.e.r.k. Third one is up to you.

Bloomin spam filters.
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Old 24th March 2015, 02:23 AM   #71
Lindentree1
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Burger. I got edited. Ok, try again. The first word is t.w.a.t and the second one is j.e.r.k. Third one is up to you.

Bloomin spam filters.
Ha-ha! Thanks NDY!
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Old 24th March 2015, 09:05 AM   #72
defeated
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I have to accept that he doesn't love me. If he truly loved me, he would be here now. Of course, he told me twice yesterday he that didn't love me. I need to get that through my head. I can't stop thinking about how it used to be. I was so convinced I was loved. This is still so hard to believe. : (

He also said yesterday--"I can't deny my hopes." I feel like he may have been talking about children. I think the next wife is going to be one who can give him children. It's a bitter pill to swallow. I would have loved to have a child with him. But, again, if he really loved me, there could be no reason for him to leave.

I'm just so sad about all this.

I'm not perfect and he leaves. There was a lot of pressure on me to be perfect. I always felt I could never live up to his standards. I always felt like I fell short. Now the only standards I have to live up to are my own.
I am so so sorry LDT.... I have been so wrapped up in what's going on with me that I haven't been following what's happening with other people.

The last time I checked you were doing so well, you were feeling strong, had made plans to do a course and do stuff for yourself and so I thought you were on such a healthy road to acceptance and helping yourself move forward. However, the bombshell (over email.... jeez, i can only echo others that he's a total coward and is lacking in any integrity) is bound to knock anyone sideways and completely floor you.

All I will say is that you need to allow yourself to grieve..... what you're going through is absolutely a form of grieving, dare I say harder, as at least when someone dies the pain and heatbreak is unbearable, but their memory and wholeness is in tact, whereas the person you have held in your heart has shattered your belief in them and rejected your love and so you are not only grieving them but totally confused and shocked too... they're still within reaching distance but don't want to be reached. Awful. (Having lost the most important person in my life, my father, I feel i'm allowed to make the comparison).

Anyway, you must be kind to yourself.... I am so so sorry for you. I would rent a load of movies...get in food that you love but shouldn't eat. Especially things he wasn't keen on...be self indulgent... wallow in self pity and indulge your feelings... you have to truly come to terms with what's happened to be able to fully move forward. Arrange something for Monday morning and let that be the day that you pick yourself up,dust yourself down and start your new life of positivity.

Meet friends, join a dating site, go out for lunch and book a singles holiday. This is something really exciting you can do.

Make sure you get proper legal advice.. you deserve a fat payout for this ghastly treatment and the fact he's had you hanging on as back up for so long is totally disgusting!!!

He sounds a completley selfish cretin... although who knows what sort of mid life crisis he's having. I can't remember the film with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn where she pretends to be his wife to make his first wife/girlfriend jealous, but rent that out... be Goldie Hawn, not the horrible wife/girlfriend.....

You are worth more than this. You will get back to the way you were feeling before, but do allow yourself to feel rock bottom first so that it can sink in.

The fact you've been in limbo means that it's not a total utter shock now, which is the only silver lining... but you will move on and meet someone worthy of you.

Whatever he's up to, if he thinks the grass is greener, let him find out that he's not and come crawling back when you can see him for the useless piece of selfishness he is and no longer want him.

i am so so sorry this is happening to you, but soon you will see it as a postive - go to your doctor as not sleeping will make everying a zillion times worse!!

biggest virtual hug.... you have so many people on here that are rooting for you and want the best for you.

(sorry written in major haste so hope this makes sense)
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Old 24th March 2015, 10:38 AM   #73
ralfgarnett
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

"go to your doctor as not sleeping will make everying a zillion times worse!!"

I agree with this entirely, I have been prescribed both zopiclone and mirtazapine to be taken at bedtime and touch wood the combination mostly work although I do wake a bit early sometimes, but sleep is so important for your mental health if your having problems with it LDT please do something about it, good luck keep posting xx
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Old 24th March 2015, 04:09 PM   #74
Lindentree1
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Talking Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
I am so so sorry LDT.... I have been so wrapped up in what's going on with me that I haven't been following what's happening with other people.

The last time I checked you were doing so well, you were feeling strong, had made plans to do a course and do stuff for yourself and so I thought you were on such a healthy road to acceptance and helping yourself move forward. However, the bombshell (over email.... jeez, i can only echo others that he's a total coward and is lacking in any integrity) is bound to knock anyone sideways and completely floor you.

All I will say is that you need to allow yourself to grieve..... what you're going through is absolutely a form of grieving, dare I say harder, as at least when someone dies the pain and heatbreak is unbearable, but their memory and wholeness is in tact, whereas the person you have held in your heart has shattered your belief in them and rejected your love and so you are not only grieving them but totally confused and shocked too... they're still within reaching distance but don't want to be reached. Awful. (Having lost the most important person in my life, my father, I feel i'm allowed to make the comparison).

Anyway, you must be kind to yourself.... I am so so sorry for you. I would rent a load of movies...get in food that you love but shouldn't eat. Especially things he wasn't keen on...be self indulgent... wallow in self pity and indulge your feelings... you have to truly come to terms with what's happened to be able to fully move forward. Arrange something for Monday morning and let that be the day that you pick yourself up,dust yourself down and start your new life of positivity.

Meet friends, join a dating site, go out for lunch and book a singles holiday. This is something really exciting you can do.

Make sure you get proper legal advice.. you deserve a fat payout for this ghastly treatment and the fact he's had you hanging on as back up for so long is totally disgusting!!!

He sounds a completley selfish cretin... although who knows what sort of mid life crisis he's having. I can't remember the film with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn where she pretends to be his wife to make his first wife/girlfriend jealous, but rent that out... be Goldie Hawn, not the horrible wife/girlfriend.....

You are worth more than this. You will get back to the way you were feeling before, but do allow yourself to feel rock bottom first so that it can sink in.

The fact you've been in limbo means that it's not a total utter shock now, which is the only silver lining... but you will move on and meet someone worthy of you.

Whatever he's up to, if he thinks the grass is greener, let him find out that he's not and come crawling back when you can see him for the useless piece of selfishness he is and no longer want him.

i am so so sorry this is happening to you, but soon you will see it as a postive - go to your doctor as not sleeping will make everying a zillion times worse!!

biggest virtual hug.... you have so many people on here that are rooting for you and want the best for you.

(sorry written in major haste so hope this makes sense)
Thank you, defeated. Your post is so touching. Yeah, he strung me along all these months. It's hard to believe he would do that to me. And, yes, he's absolutely selfish. Everything is "me me me"--who cares about what it does it his wife? Vows? Promises? Doesn't matter. To be honest, he's always been a bit selfish. I chose to overlook that. But it's hard to ignore right now.

I agree--I need to grieve, and a time limit on my grief is a good idea so that it doesn't consume me. I'm way ahead of you on the food part! : ) I have chips and ice cream in the kitchen, ha-ha! I will indulge for a few days, then come to my senses again. ; )

But dating? No, not yet, and not for a long while. I've loved this man for 15 years, and I'm just not ready yet. I'm nowhere near ready. Perhaps someday.

Thank you so much for caring to write. Everyone here is so wonderful. I have been helped so much.
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Old 24th March 2015, 05:32 PM   #75
chosen
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Re: Oh no...oh no...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Thank you, defeated. Your post is so touching. Yeah, he strung me along all these months. It's hard to believe he would do that to me. And, yes, he's absolutely selfish. Everything is "me me me"--who cares about what it does it his wife? Vows? Promises? Doesn't matter. To be honest, he's always been a bit selfish. I chose to overlook that. But it's hard to ignore right now.

I agree--I need to grieve, and a time limit on my grief is a good idea so that it doesn't consume me. I'm way ahead of you on the food part! : ) I have chips and ice cream in the kitchen, ha-ha! I will indulge for a few days, then come to my senses again. ; )

But dating? No, not yet, and not for a long while. I've loved this man for 15 years, and I'm just not ready yet. I'm nowhere near ready. Perhaps someday.

Thank you so much for caring to write. Everyone here is so wonderful. I have been helped so much.
I agree with you on the no dating thing, it would only complicate things, and we all need lots of time and space to heal first. It was 3-4 years before I could even think of meeting anyone else, and at the very least the marriage really needs to be over legally before that happens.
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