Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 14th December 2015, 05:14 PM   #1
AEL2015
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Feel like we've hit a wall

Hi all, thank you for letting me be a part of this group.

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years, and we have a 6 month old baby. Our relationship has had it's fair share of ups and downs, and we've been through a lot together. Lately I've been feeling as if we've hit a wall, things haven't been going so well and it has me pretty down. I know my husband also feels as though the spark has died between us. We have a few ongoing problems that are big sources of contention for us, and I'm worried if we don't figure out how to reconnect and deal with these issues that we could fall apart.

We have an appointment with a therapist next month, but I'm wondering if there's anything we can do between now and then to try to make things a little better between us. I'm also wondering if it's normal to have tough times, especially after a new baby?

Any ideas or words of advice?

I know I didn't write down a lot of info, let me know if I should provide some more than what I've written.

Thanks in advance!
AEL2015 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2015, 08:50 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

This can be quite normal AEL. After the honeymoon period is over (max two years) reality sets in and spouses have the chance to relate to each other as real people. This can be challenging but very rewarding. It can be the period that makes or breaks the marriage and actually causes you to learn a lot more about the marriage relationship.

I would press on and learn. Provided you both remain faithful and are not tempted to cheat you have every chance of creating a long term successful marriage. Two good books you could read are the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and also Marriage Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

If you care to mention the actual problem I am sure that one of us will try and give helpful advice.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2015, 09:08 PM   #3
AEL2015
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

Hi Raymond and thank you so much for you reply

I would definitely agree that the honeymoon period is over for us. I think it ended a while ago. My husband told me last week that he felt the spark was gone. He said he wants to get those "butterflies" he used to get for me. I'll admit this saddened me quite a bit as I still get those for him. Anyway, that's why he finally agreed to go to counseling with me (I've been asking him for months).

One of the major problems on my end is the lack of intimacy. We have had sex 3 times since the baby was born. I've brought it up countless times, but he just isn't interested in it anymore. I'll admit that I don't try to initiate anything, but that's only because I'm afraid of being rejected by him. It's tough considering we're only 26 and haven't been married that long.

Another major issue for us is his stepson and how to blend 2 families together. He admitted to me yesterday that he thinks that will be the thing that does us in if we do end up splitting up. Definitely something I'm looking forward to talking about in counseling. But I've been bothered that he made that comment. I hate thinking about us getting a divorce. He's also made comments saying that he really wants to make things work for the sake of our daughter, that she makes it much harder to give up. I totally agree with him, but it hurts to think he might not be feeling like he loves me as much as he did.

We've both moved countries to be together, so we've made some major sacrifices for this relationship without having a very solid foundation. I definitely think that has added to our problems.

I guess I'm just hoping we are going through a rough patch right now and we'll get through this.I know marriage is hard, I just didn't think it would be this tough so soon into it.

And I apologize if my thoughts seem a bit scattered and ambiguous... It's been a long day with the baby so I'm a bit exhausted.
AEL2015 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2015, 11:19 PM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

Does his step son live with you? How old is he? Has your husband been married before? WHy did that end?
It will work if you both refuse to consider divorce. Its troubling that his thoughts already heading towards that idea. Marriage changes all the time, its not going to be exciting constantly, and love changes form the first initial exciting phase into the more deep every day love and having a baby is hard enough even with a good solid marriage. If he is going to give up every time his feelings change or every time there is a difficulty then what does that say about the promises he made so recently?
The sex issue is odd as well. Did you have a lot of sex before the baby came? Could he be looking at porn?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2015, 11:33 PM   #5
AEL2015
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

His stepson is 6.5 and no, he does't live with us. I have not met him before. It's a very messy, complicated situation. My husband was not married before. He was seeing a woman and she ended up getting pregnant about 3 months after they first got together. They tried to make it work, but she left when their son was 6 months old. My husband was 19 at the time, so very young. But the issues with him and his mother (not him personally, he's a very sweet little boy) have cause a lot of conflict with us.

As far as our sex life, it was definitely better before the baby came. When we first got together we had a lot of sex, but it dwindled over time. My husband went through a period of being severely depressed and I think that's why it dropped off, but it was never like this. We moved overseas and were separated for 6 weeks. When I finally joined him again, we were extremely physical again, and then things kind of mellowed out, but were still pretty regular. I always wanted a little more, but I have a pretty high drive. Higher than he does I suppose. We went through another short period a year and a half ago where we were very physical again, and that's when I ended up getting pregnant. We still stayed somewhat physical throughout my pregnancy, much more so than now. But he just isn't interested now. I don't think he watches porn, if he does it's very seldom.
AEL2015 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th December 2015, 06:32 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

The sex part needs to be talked about. It would be better if two are really trying to keep and build their marriage. Porn is a danger as porn now features in about 69% of divorces. It used to be 50 something. It can acually be mental adultery taken too far.

His depression needs to be dealt with. A lot of depression has roots of anxiousness connected with it. A kind of fear thing which doesn't help anyone. He needs to try and be positive. Sex within marriage can be very stabilising for the relationship. Sometimes it takes courage for a man to initiate for some reason. At least I have that problem sometimes and I know that others do. Personally I tend to wonder if it the right time as my wife never initiates. She does respond though. My wife seems so busy I kind of have to take control which is not my nature. I know the internet and mags are full of suggestions but your marriage is unique to you and must be dealt with as such. A plus with having sex is that it can open the husband up emotionally. It has certainly affected me that way. I hope you can bring these things up in the counseling. He needs to have sex on purpose I think for the sake of you and the marriage. It's not rocket science.

Are you having trouble with his mother? Does she have a control thing over him?
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2015, 04:07 AM   #7
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: Feel like we've hit a wall

I'm glad you are going to see a counselor. I would suggest a weekly date night, just the two of you. It's a way to connect away from home and stressors. Have someone you trust to watch the baby and make that time for each other. Many couples make that once weekly commitment.

Is there a way to start making the little boy a part of your family? Have him over, etc.? I think pulling yourselves together as a family might dial down some of that other tension.

As for the rest, I would definitely mention your issues in counseling as well as the depression your husband has been dealing with.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:46 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer