Need Some Advice-Am I Overreacting? - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

crislas · 5th April 2015, 03:41 AM

Can I ask you opinion on something and see if you think I am overreacting?
My husband, Scott has been friends with a woman named Wendy for thirty plus years. She is married as well. Scott says that Wendy is his sister in Christ and that she gives him only spiritual advice. She was always in his business when we were dating. She would constantly come over to his apartment and would discuss her marital problems with him. Once we got married, she pretty much stayed out of our business. But, Scott went over the road as a truck driver in December 2014. Since then, Wendy has privately called or texted him several times each month. She discusses her husband and marriage woes with Scott. I have only found this out by checking our monthly phone records. I have requested that he not discuss me or us with Wendy. He says that he doesn't discuss me or our relationship, but I don't believe him. He claims that Wendy is one of his dearest Christian friends and that I should try and find a resolution and try to get along with her. I can't stand the lady. She is very two faced. He thinks that I am overreacting. I told him I will not speak with her, go to her house, or have her in our house. Anyway just your thoughts.

chosen · 5th April 2015, 09:44 AM

Any close friendship with a married person and a member of the opposite sex, especially one that involves secrecy, is a bad idea. I would never go to a man and talk to him about my problems, whether marriage ones or not, and I would hate it if my husband did that. Its asking for trouble. The fact that he isnt telling you of these exchanges shows that he knows its not right, other wise why lie?
If she has marriage issues then they need to get some counselling, OR she she needs to go to another woman to talk about it. I know of several affairs that happened as a result of someone going to a member of the opposites sex for counsel. All this 'she is a sister in Christ' is nonsense, he is walking on thin ice.

How to deal with this I am not sure, maybe go to a trusted mature Christian couple together and talk it out?Or some marriage counseling? There is no room for secrecy in a marriage. I have to wonder whether her husband knows that he is being discussed behind his back with another man? Its very disrespectful.

What do mean by 'he went over the road as a truck driver?' WHY did that lead to her contacting him again?

ralfgarnett · 5th April 2015, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

Any close friendship with a married person and a member of the opposite sex, especially one that involves secrecy, is a bad idea. I would never go to a man and talk to him about my problems, whether marriage ones or not, and I would hate it if my husband did that. Its asking for trouble. The fact that he isnt telling you of these exchanges shows that he knows its not right, other wise why lie?
If she has marriage issues then they need to get some counselling, OR she she needs to go to another woman to talk about it. I know of several affairs that happened as a result of someone going to a member of the opposites sex for counsel. All this 'she is a sister in Christ' is nonsense, he is walking on thin ice.

How to deal with this I am not sure, maybe go to a trusted mature Christian couple together and talk it out?Or some marriage counseling? There is no room for secrecy in a marriage. I have to wonder whether her husband knows that he is being discussed behind his back with another man? Its very disrespectful.

What do mean by 'he went over the road as a truck driver?' WHY did that lead to her contacting him again?

Here here here agreed 100 %

crislas · 6th April 2015, 12:57 PM

Chosen, you asked "What do mean by 'he went over the road as a truck driver?' WHY did that lead to her contacting him again?"

My husband had been a local truck driver in which he drove during the day and was home every evening. He lost his local position and had to go over the road which means he is out driving for up to 3 weeks at a time before he comes home. Once Scott went over the road and was out for a longer period of time, he and Wendy began more frequent and private converstions.

Lindentree1 · 6th April 2015, 03:43 PM

Is he any different at home now? Is he behaving the same way? Has he pulled away from you to be closer to her? Is he neglecting you?

If nothing has changed--

If this woman has been his friend for 30 years and says she is like a sister to him, can you believe him? Do you trust your husband? He knew her before you. Are you comfortable with telling him they can't be friends? Do you believe a man and woman cannot be friends?

These are questions you should ask yourself.

If nothing has actually changed in your relationship, perhaps your fears are clouding your judgement. If he is acting differently, then you must deal with the situation.

Asking him to back down from her, or getting counsel from your church. If this woman is indeed threatening your relationship, you must deal with it. You just need to make sure that is what is going on. Because if it isn't, your husband may be upset by the lack of trust.

I can understand your view. But just think carefully before you proceed.

notDoneYet · 6th April 2015, 04:31 PM

X

Quote:

Originally Posted by crislas

Can I ask you opinion on something and see if you think I am overreacting?
My husband, Scott has been friends with a woman named Wendy for thirty plus years. She is married as well. Scott says that Wendy is his sister in Christ and that she gives him only spiritual advice. She was always in his business when we were dating. She would constantly come over to his apartment and would discuss her marital problems with him. Once we got married, she pretty much stayed out of our business. But, Scott went over the road as a truck driver in December 2014. Since then, Wendy has privately called or texted him several times each month. She discusses her husband and marriage woes with Scott. I have only found this out by checking our monthly phone records. I have requested that he not discuss me or us with Wendy. He says that he doesn't discuss me or our relationship, but I don't believe him. He claims that Wendy is one of his dearest Christian friends and that I should try and find a resolution and try to get along with her. I can't stand the lady. She is very two faced. He thinks that I am overreacting. I told him I will not speak with her, go to her house, or have her in our house. Anyway just your thoughts.

Hi. There are so many red flags in your thread it's difficult to know where to start. This woman isn't your friend? So she has little to do with you? She should either be both your friend or none. And trust me, when a woman starts complaining to her male friend about her husband that's a big no no right there. And why isn't he disclosing? Why did you need to look at the phone records to find out? Why is he keeping it a secret? Never mind his motivations, what about hers? Is she complaining about her H to your H but not talking to her H? Seriously, set the boundaries right now because this can only go one way if you don't and it won't be pretty.

Lindentree1 · 6th April 2015, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

X
Hi. There are so many red flags in your thread it's difficult to know where to start. This woman isn't your friend? So she has little to do with you? She should either be both your friend or none. And trust me, when a woman starts complaining to her male friend about her husband that's a big no no right there. And why isn't he disclosing? Why did you need to look at the phone records to find out? Why is he keeping it a secret? Never mind his motivations, what about hers? Is she complaining about her H to your H but not talking to her H? Seriously, set the boundaries right now because this can only go one way if you don't and it won't be pretty.

Maybe I'm being naive in thinking men and women can be friends. But the fact that he didn't tell her about talking to this woman as much as he was does sound strange, come to think of it, unless he was afraid of her reaction. Even if they are just friends, he should back down a bit if his wife is that uncomfortable--for her sake.

notDoneYet · 6th April 2015, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Maybe I'm being naive in thinking men and women can be friends. But the fact that he didn't tell her about talking to this woman as much as he was does sound strange, come to think of it, unless he was afraid of her reaction. Even if they are just friends, he should back down a bit if his wife is that uncomfortable--for her sake.

Men and women can be friends. No problem but it has to be out in the open and honest. She should be friends with both of them and the complaining about the H? No way. That's a big BIG red flag.
Crislas, put an end to this now.

chosen · 6th April 2015, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Maybe I'm being naive in thinking men and women can be friends. But the fact that he didn't tell her about talking to this woman as much as he was does sound strange, come to think of it, unless he was afraid of her reaction. Even if they are just friends, he should back down a bit if his wife is that uncomfortable--for her sake.

I have seen far too many marriages break up due to one spouse getting too close to a 'friend' of the opposite sex to think that its ever a good idea. This is what happened in my parents marriage and also my husbands first marriage and my brothers 2 marriages.
Going to another man and telling him the intimate details of my marriage, would be betraying my husband as well as playing with fire.

notDoneYet · 6th April 2015, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

I have seen far too many marriages break up due to one spouse getting too close to a 'friend' of the opposite sex to think that its ever a good idea.
Going to another man and telling him the intimate details of my marriage, would be betraying my husband.

Yes. Quite right.

This is what happens with a WW. This is why is asked what are her motivations? This is how it starts. Never mind the respect thing for a minute, this is the start of an EA and before you know it your facing the big D. It needs to stop.

Raymond · 7th April 2015, 09:33 AM

I think you have it right NDY when you say she should be friends with both of them. Things should be much more out in the open with the opposite sex. I have a lot of men and women in my house every week. Some of the women may give spiritual advice but I'm never alone with them. If they took me into another room to give advice then they should always take a man with them and vice versa in my opinion.

I think it is an unwise relationship and leaves openings for something else to happen. I wouldn't like it if my wife shared her marriage problems privately with another man. That doesn't sound right.

8th April 2015, 08:24 AM

i agreed on why secrecy? we all can have lots of friends, regardless gender, but open up to our partner.

if this doesnt work out, means something fishy between them, not trying to be negative or scares you, but, dont wait untill they 'feel" each other sadness, talking, bottle of wine doesnt sound good. man love women who listen, maybe in other way around, try also to talk to him, be close with him..

by the way, guys, i have posted a thread, can give advise as well?