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Old 28th March 2015, 08:48 PM   #1
notDoneYet
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Doing Something Different

So

For those that know me you will most likely have guessed I'm a solution based therapy guy. When BD happened, I searched out for answers to my WW's behavior. Why was she acting so out of character, so alien. That's not my wife.

In seeking these answers I realised that no matter the reason, it won't help my situation. The only thing that will help is to do things differently so that the outcome is better. At the moment, our interactions always end up the same. We expect hostility, so there is hostility. We expect disagreement, so there is disagreement. We expect no future together, so there is no future together.

So what I want to know from everyone is what's working for them? All I have is that I know our time apart has given her the opportunity to see life without me. On the up side she has stared to realise what life without me will be like. There is a good and bad side to this. The good is she does at some level miss me, the bad is that she knows she can cope without me. She recons she's much happier with me out of the way. So what do I change?
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Old 28th March 2015, 10:12 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: Doing Something Different

Hey mate if I knew the answrr I would tell you, what I will say si I undersand your confusion and I feel totally empatyhy fo ryou sitch, god bless you mat try an rest I find that a great release, look after yourself pal im thinking of you
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Old 28th March 2015, 10:23 PM   #3
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

Hmm...nothing is working for me, as everyone knows!: )

I would continue to show her your strength, show her the happy, strong, confident man she is missing. You haven't begged, that's good. As you can see from my situation, trying to get him to see my side certainly didn't work.

To me, it sounds like you are doing all you can.
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Old 28th March 2015, 10:31 PM   #4
notDoneYet
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Re: Doing Something Different

Hey guys. I was more thinking not so much about me but about you. Thanks for commenting. I know what I need to do. But hear this, tomorrow I will do something different. Will you? Let's all try that and see what happens.
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Old 28th March 2015, 10:35 PM   #5
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Hey guys. I was more thinking not so much about me but about you. Thanks for commenting. I know what I need to do. But hear this, tomorrow I will do something different. Will you? Let's all try that and see what happens.
What are you going to do tomorrow?

I'm going full NC. Already started.
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Old 28th March 2015, 10:39 PM   #6
notDoneYet
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Re: Doing Something Different

So need to pick up S9. Will have to speak to WW. Last two occasions she was mellow was when I was cooperating(about the split, go figure) and spending more time with S9. To tomorrow we work out a schedule for me to spend more time with S9. Positive interaction. If it works don't fix it as they say.
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Old 29th March 2015, 11:36 AM   #7
ralfgarnett
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Hmm...nothing is working for me, as everyone knows!: )

I would continue to show her your strength, show her the happy, strong, confident man she is missing. You haven't begged, that's good. As you can see from my situation, trying to get him to see my side certainly didn't work.

To me, it sounds like you are doing all you can.
I would fully agree with this.
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Old 30th March 2015, 12:51 AM   #8
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

What do you think?

I read something in a book today. The character said, "Love is a decision."

It made me think.

Do you agree with that, anyone? Thoughts?
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Old 30th March 2015, 04:00 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
What do you think?

I read something in a book today. The character said, "Love is a decision."

It made me think.

Do you agree with that, anyone? Thoughts?
Yes it can be. We do tend to think that we have to 'feel' love or its not real, but sometimes loving someone can be tough. Imagine if your spouse got dementia? Or if they had an accident and were brain damaged and needed 24 hour care? Would we give up on them or still love them with actions?
IF everyone gave up on their marriage because they didnt 'feel' they loved their spouse in the right way, surely not many marriages would survive.
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Old 30th March 2015, 05:52 PM   #10
notDoneYet
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
What do you think?

I read something in a book today. The character said, "Love is a decision."

It made me think.

Do you agree with that, anyone? Thoughts?
Depends on what you mean by love. That word gets used for so many things that it's unclear what is meant by it. But assuming you mean romantic love there are a few stages to romantic love. The first two are probably the main ones to focus on:
Limerence. That heart pumping blood rushing feeling you first get when you have an animalistic attraction to someone. Is this early days 'love' really love? IDK but that's the thing that Chosen mentions (I believe) that serial adulterers seek out all the time. The 'feeling' of love. Problem with this stage is it fades over time.

Next stage is when couples 'choose' to stay together. This I believe is indeed a choice.
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Old 30th March 2015, 06:02 PM   #11
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Depends on what you mean by love. That word gets used for so many things that it's unclear what is meant by it. But assuming you mean romantic love there are a few stages to romantic love. The first two are probably the main ones to focus on:
Limerence. That heart pumping blood rushing feeling you first get when you have an animalistic attraction to someone. Is this early days 'love' really love? IDK but that's the thing that Chosen mentions (I believe) that serial adulterers seek out all the time. The 'feeling' of love. Problem with this stage is it fades over time.

Next stage is when couples 'choose' to stay together. This I believe is indeed a choice.
Yeah, the book didn't really put what the character said into any sort of context. She was an older lady(88) that just burst out with "love is a decision." She kind of said it out of nowhere.

I was looking for thoughts on what she meant. I have my own ideas, but I can't seem to put them into words for some reason.

I believe she was talking about romantic love, however.

I have heard people say this before.

Maybe they mean sticking it out when things get hard? That people walk away too easily? Of course, there are definitely times when it's okay to walk away. Abuse, for example. Of course, that isn't love at all.
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Old 30th March 2015, 06:13 PM   #12
notDoneYet
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Yeah, the book didn't really put what the character said into any sort of context. She was an older lady(88) that just burst out with "love is a decision." She kind of said it out of nowhere.

I was looking for thoughts on what she meant. I have my own ideas, but I can't seem to put them into words for some reason.

I believe she was talking about romantic love, however.

I have heard people say this before.

Maybe they mean sticking it out when things get hard? That people walk away too easily? Of course, there are definitely times when it's okay to walk away. Abuse, for example. Of course, that isn't love at all.
Certainly sticking it out is a choice. That's why we take a vow. And when someone you choose to love breaks their vows the LBS comes here looking for answers.

Don't you think there is an early choice as well though? The bit when your heart stops fluttering when you see them and you think either get out of your in for the long haul? I believe this to be true.
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Old 30th March 2015, 06:39 PM   #13
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Certainly sticking it out is a choice. That's why we take a vow. And when someone you choose to love breaks their vows the LBS comes here looking for answers.

Don't you think there is an early choice as well though? The bit when your heart stops fluttering when you see them and you think either get out of your in for the long haul? I believe this to be true.
Absolutely. Deciding to date someone is a choice.

Life is just a series of choices, isn't it? From deciding what to wear to deciding what to have for dinner.

They say you can choose to be happy, too. I am having a hard time with that one, however. I'm not exactly jumping up and down for joy right now.

I do believe we will all be happy again, though. Right? Rainbows follow a storm. Sunshine comes after the rain. We won't be sad our whole lives. It's the order of things. Happy times, sad times, boring times, restless times...we all go through them.

Blah blah blah--what do I know? I'm just going to work on one day at a time.
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Old 30th March 2015, 07:22 PM   #14
Lindentree1
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Yes it can be. We do tend to think that we have to 'feel' love or its not real, but sometimes loving someone can be tough. Imagine if your spouse got dementia? Or if they had an accident and were brain damaged and needed 24 hour care? Would we give up on them or still love them with actions?
IF everyone gave up on their marriage because they didnt 'feel' they loved their spouse in the right way, surely not many marriages would survive.
Feelings come and go, don't they? Love has to be deeper than just feelings. One day you can love and the next day you can be "grr..go away." But love is at the core of it all. And it must be deeper than just the day-to-day of life.

Like you said--if everyone jumped at the first sign of trouble the divorce rate would be like 99%.
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Old 30th March 2015, 07:50 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Doing Something Different

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Absolutely. Deciding to date someone is a choice.

Life is just a series of choices, isn't it? From deciding what to wear to deciding what to have for dinner.

They say you can choose to be happy, too. I am having a hard time with that one, however. I'm not exactly jumping up and down for joy right now.

I do believe we will all be happy again, though. Right? Rainbows follow a storm. Sunshine comes after the rain. We won't be sad our whole lives. It's the order of things. Happy times, sad times, boring times, restless times...we all go through them.

Blah blah blah--what do I know? I'm just going to work on one day at a time.
The Bible describes it as 'Beauty from Ashes', I love that.
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