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13th March 2015, 09:36 PM
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#31
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Hi NDY--It is disrespectful. I did move out seven months ago, you'd think he would realize what he is missing by now. No such luck. I decided not to write him for now. I just can't get over how he's treated me. I'm not sure writing him would do any good at this point. I just need to work on me at right now.
Thanks, Ralf. No one should be treated this way. I can't believe after 15 years I would be a back-up plan.
Thanks for the support. This forum has helped me so much. I'm grateful to be here.
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13th March 2015, 09:40 PM
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#32
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
Hi NDY--It is disrespectful. I did move out seven months ago, you'd think he would realize what he is missing by now. No such luck. I decided not to write him for now. I just can't get over how he's treated me. I'm not sure writing him would do any good at this point. I just need to work on me at right now.
Thanks, Ralf. No one should be treated this way. I can't believe after 15 years I would be a back-up plan.
Thanks for the support. This forum has helped me so much. I'm grateful to be here.
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We're all on a similar journey right now. But you know what? We humans have a remarkable capacity for resilience. We will be ok.
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13th March 2015, 09:42 PM
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#33
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Thanks, Sambrooklands. The article has good advice. I feel like I have detached from him, since we haven't spoken on the phone since December. I thought he would start to miss me, but he seems to be doing just fine, as he has made no move to speak to me. I just don't know...I thought a letter might knock him out of complacency, but I have decided to do nothing for right now.
I'm tired of it all. And I'm sad. So very, very, sad.
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13th March 2015, 09:48 PM
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#34
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
On a more positive note, I've decided to take a class in April. It will give me something to do and I will have something else to focus on.
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13th March 2015, 09:48 PM
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#35
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
Thanks, Sambrooklands. The article has good advice. I feel like I have detached from him, since we haven't spoken on the phone since December. I thought he would start to miss me, but he seems to be doing just fine, as he has made no move to speak to me. I just don't know...I thought a letter might knock him out of complacency, but I have decided to do nothing for right now.
I'm tired of it all. And I'm sad. So very, very, sad.
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LDT, have you looked at the 7 stages of grief? Although primarily about death it applies just as much to our situations. Sometimes just being able to define why you feel the way you do helps.
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13th March 2015, 09:52 PM
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#36
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
LDT, have you looked at the 7 stages of grief? Although primarily about death it applies just as much to our situations. Sometimes just being able to define why you feel the way you do helps.
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Yes, I have. It is helpful. It certainly seems like someone or something has died. Except this person is alive and is willingly staying away. This may sound horrible, and as awful as it was, I had an easier time coping with my mother's death. At least she did not want to leave, if I'm making any sense.
We do certainly grieve when we are left. We must wait for the grief to lift, I guess.
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13th March 2015, 09:59 PM
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#37
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
Yes, I have. It is helpful. It certainly seems like someone or something has died. Except this person is alive and is willingly staying away. This may sound horrible, and as awful as it was, I had an easier time coping with my mother's death. At least she did not want to leave, if I'm making any sense.
We do certainly grieve when we are left. We must wait for the grief to lift, I guess.
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This, for me is the hardest part.
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13th March 2015, 10:16 PM
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#38
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
Yes, I have. It is helpful. It certainly seems like someone or something has died. Except this person is alive and is willingly staying away. This may sound horrible, and as awful as it was, I had an easier time coping with my mother's death. At least she did not want to leave, if I'm making any sense.
We do certainly grieve when we are left. We must wait for the grief to lift, I guess.
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Someone once said that in divorce it is a death, but the corpse is still walking around, and many have the added pain of being rejected or cheated on. Also in a bereavement you usually have more sympathy and support than you do if its a marriages that ends by divorce.
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14th March 2015, 01:52 AM
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#39
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
I did tell my husband when he told me he wanted to date that if he slept with anyone we could not recover from that. He was angry I said that. Between that and refusing counseling, it's not looking good right now. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still hanging on. I guess it's because he put the divorce on hold, it gave me hope. I didn't know I'd be left hanging. He's in control of everything and it doesn't seem right.
Should I wait? Give him an ultimatum? Accept its over and give up? Write a love letter?
I am so confused.
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14th March 2015, 07:23 AM
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#40
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
I did tell my husband when he told me he wanted to date that if he slept with anyone we could not recover from that. He was angry I said that. Between that and refusing counseling, it's not looking good right now. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm still hanging on. I guess it's because he put the divorce on hold, it gave me hope. I didn't know I'd be left hanging. He's in control of everything and it doesn't seem right.
Should I wait? Give him an ultimatum? Accept its over and give up? Write a love letter?
I am so confused.
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angry that you dont want your own husband committing adultery?????? Wow.
Do you know anyone who could give you an idea of what he is doing in his life? IE if he is dating? If he has a lady friend who he may well be sleeping with? If he is, then you must decide if you are prepared to put up with that in the hope that he may one day tire of it and come back.
Not sure if you could do that and maintain your self respect though.
I think you are just being kept hanging on incase he cant find anyone else. That is no marriage is it.
I suppose you could say that either he agrees to counseling and working on returning, along with no dating, or you will go through with the divorce.
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15th March 2015, 01:04 AM
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#41
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
I don't know what has happened to the man I married. He seemed to love me so much! He was loving and kind, and I admired him so much people used to tease me about it. Now I don't recognize him at all. The coldness of it all blows my mind. I can't stop thinking about how he used to be versus the last seven months. I just want my old husband back. Can people really change that much? I just don't understand...
I know everything will come to a head soon...and it looks like I'm losing.
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15th March 2015, 04:27 AM
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#42
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Its shattering to think you know someone and then they do something so uncharacteristic that you wonder if you ever knew them at all. Its hard to know if such insanity is temporary or permanent unless he is honest and open with you. Or was it that he was hiding parts of himself from you all this time?
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15th March 2015, 06:27 PM
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#43
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
I don't know what has happened to the man I married. He seemed to love me so much! He was loving and kind, and I admired him so much people used to tease me about it. Now I don't recognize him at all. The coldness of it all blows my mind. I can't stop thinking about how he used to be versus the last seven months. I just want my old husband back. Can people really change that much? I just don't understand...
I know everything will come to a head soon...and it looks like I'm losing.
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There is loosing and there is loosing. Look, I'm not going to sugar coat this, your old life is gone. That's it, over. You now need to start thinking about what your new life is going to be, with or without your H. My WW not so long ago was the same, but look what she did, look what she threw away. What ever is happening to our spouses we cannot control it. Only they can take that path so get off the roller coaster and GAL. Take control of what you can control. You.
Peace.
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15th March 2015, 07:53 PM
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#44
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Its shattering to think you know someone and then they do something so uncharacteristic that you wonder if you ever knew them at all. Its hard to know if such insanity is temporary or permanent unless he is honest and open with you. Or was it that he was hiding parts of himself from you all this time?
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I guess I will find out soon enough. If he does go through with this divorce after so many promises and declarations of love I will think I never knew him at all. I did something today--I do want to know what others think. I'm going to start a new thread.
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15th March 2015, 08:00 PM
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#45
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Need help--I really don't know what to do
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
There is loosing and there is loosing. Look, I'm not going to sugar coat this, your old life is gone. That's it, over. You now need to start thinking about what your new life is going to be, with or without your H. My WW not so long ago was the same, but look what she did, look what she threw away. What ever is happening to our spouses we cannot control it. Only they can take that path so get off the roller coaster and GAL. Take control of what you can control. You.
Peace.
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You are right. We can't control what our spouses do. I had a bit of a revelation last night. I couldn't sleep, and I thought about everything that was said to me in this forum. I DO deserve better, he is being disrespectful, and if he doesn't love me I need to stop wasting my time. I had already decided to work on me, and I decided to try harder to work on myself and stop telling myself I will have no life if he doesn't come back. I have been telling myself I'd rather be dead than be without him, and that is crazy. I deserve to have a good life. I deserve happiness. I am a good person. I'm going to stop basing what I feel about myself on what he feels about me. It's always been this way, and it stops today. That being said, I did do something concerning my marriage today, and I'm going to start a new thread and tell everyone what I did and hopefully get your feedback. But I definitely need to GAL! You are right!
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