My wife of 16 years wants us to split - Page 2 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

chosen · 1st March 2015, 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

I am not sure I am comfortable with making her leave, mainly for the best interests of the children. I agree that I should not have to leave as I have not done anything wrong but I would rather keep peace and harmony. She doesn't visit bars with single women and she is home with me most nights of the week, her only activity that makes me feel vulnerable and doubt her is her constant use of her phone for social media

I didnt say that you make her leave, but merely tell her calmly that you wont be leaving your children. Then the next step is hers.
Has she had any counseling for the abuse?

N654563 · 1st March 2015, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

I didnt say that you make her leave, but merely tell her calmly that you wont be leaving your children. Then the next step is hers.
Has she had any counseling for the abuse?

Your right, I will stay for the sake of the children but I think they will know something is up soon because I am going to sleep on the sofa from now on. We will probably have to tell them something is going on so they understand why I am not still in the martial bed. That may be hard.

She did previously have counselling for her past which she did find beneficial, but her mother did not help her situation by not believing her story even though my wife's sister backed up her story and my mother in law even brought my wife's abuser to our house once! I have suggested counselling again, which i am going to do (on my own if necessary) but I don't think she is keen. I will just do my own thing and show her that I'm trying to be a better person?

chosen · 1st March 2015, 09:22 PM

is there any reason why you have to be the one to leave the bed?

Why did you both allow her abuser into your house?????

I think that its common for mothers not to believe their children, or at least not to want to believe them, especially if is their husband or boyfriend that is the abuser. However if that was my mum and she refused to believe me, I wouldnt see her, but thats me.

N654563 · 1st March 2015, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

is there any reason why you have to be the one to leave the bed?

Why did you both allow her abuser into your house?????

I think that its common for mothers not to believe their children, or at least not to want to believe them, especially if is their husband or boyfriend that is the abuser. However if that was my mum and she refused to believe me, I wouldnt see her, but thats me.

No specific reason for me leaving the bed, but I thought I would suggest it was me, perhaps I'm just too nice and should be more difficult?

We didn't know he was going to be coming to our house, it was announced just before he turned up. Wife was understandably upset and huge rows ensued with her and her mum. It wasn't her husband or boyfriend it is her brother and I think after this situation she did start to believe my wife but still wasn't very supportive, needless to say they don't have much of a relationship anymore!

chosen · 1st March 2015, 10:45 PM

I suppose it must be very hard for any mother to believe that her son abused her daughter, and she must feel torn as to who to believe. If both tell different stories, how will she know who is lying?

If she hasnt asked you to leave the bed, then dont is my advise. Leave any separating to her.

MY husband went though this with his ex. She met another man and started a divorce. He left the bed and eventually he left the house. Like you he was far too easy going and accommodating. If it were me in this position, and my partner wanted to leave for no reason, I would leave it to him to do the leaving, and I would do nothing to enable it in anyway. Its your bed, your home and your children, you dont need to leave any of those things, she is the one wanting to end the marriage. Why make it easy for her to act this way?

notDoneYet · 2nd March 2015, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chosen

If she hasnt asked you to leave the bed, then dont is my advise. Leave any separating to her.

^This

Do as Chosen says. I made that mistake and trust me, it is a mistake.

Raymond · 2nd March 2015, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

Thanks Raymond. I agree with everything you say. I am sure that the sexual abuse has had a big effect on her, naturally, and it is a subject that I have never felt comfortable bringing up with her in any detail. I am sure that scars of an experience like that must be very difficult for her to deal with and will bring problems into her every day life. I am definately going to look into counselling, for me at the very least as I believe she will not take part as she gives the impression that we are 100% over and would not entertain any chance of reconciliation.

She has her own outside interests which I think made her fell like the gap between us is bigger, but I was happy for her to find something she was passionate about even if it wasn't my passion. I am still not convince that there isnt a third person involved, but this may be my reaction to her past infidelity. She is very protective of her phone and does not leave it un-attended. She has always been very active on social media and is an admin on an ex Jehovah's witness site which she says is why she is regularly on it even though I have told her it makes me uncomfortable.

If she is guarding her phone etc. then it does raise suspicions. I'd keep your antenna up on this in case that is the reason. You do need a reason but you cannot force it. I think acting a bit independent will help your chances although I know it is hard for you. Being ready to go it alone will not damage your chances for mending things but could enhance them, but of course there are no guarantees.

She will have wounds from the abuse which will need healing but your marriage is the main issue just now.

I think it is good that she left the JW's as it is difficult to break free of that, hence the onging need to have counselling together with others in the same boat. She sounds like quite a damaged person.

The main thing at the moment is how you conduct yourself in the difficult situation. Getting to the truth will help. If she is doing the dirty on you then you are better knowing now. If it is not a third person then things could possible be worked out if she was willing.

N654563 · 2nd March 2015, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

^This

Do as Chosen says. I made that mistake and trust me, it is a mistake.

She didn't specifically ask me to leave the bed she just said that we couldn't sleep together any more...probably the same thing. I'm sure that she would have taken the sofa if i would have refused so i decided to be the one to volunteer like the gentleman that I am!

chosen · 2nd March 2015, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

She didn't specifically ask me to leave the bed she just said that we couldn't sleep together any more...probably the same thing. I'm sure that she would have taken the sofa if i would have refused so i decided to be the one to volunteer like the gentleman that I am!

yes there is being a gentle man and there is being TOO accomodating. Maybe if she says we cant sleep together any more, you could say, 'ok, so where are you going to sleep then?' Or, 'well I will miss you in the bed but its your choice'.

notDoneYet · 2nd March 2015, 05:49 PM

That's the exact same mistake I made mate. Now I'm living in my brothers spare room. Be very wary. That's the problem, we think appeasing them will bring them round. Guess what, it doesn't work.

N654563 · 2nd March 2015, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raymond

If she is guarding her phone etc. then it does raise suspicions. I'd keep your antenna up on this in case that is the reason. You do need a reason but you cannot force it. I think acting a bit independent will help your chances although I know it is hard for you. Being ready to go it alone will not damage your chances for mending things but could enhance them, but of course there are no guarantees.

She will have wounds from the abuse which will need healing but your marriage is the main issue just now.

I think it is good that she left the JW's as it is difficult to break free of that, hence the onging need to have counselling together with others in the same boat. She sounds like quite a damaged person.

The main thing at the moment is how you conduct yourself in the difficult situation. Getting to the truth will help. If she is doing the dirty on you then you are better knowing now. If it is not a third person then things could possible be worked out if she was willing.

I agree with her phone but she is 100% that there is no else and i even said to her that it would make it easier all round if there was someone. I really don't know what to believe at the moment but as NDY said I am going to take everything she says with a pinch of salt in terms of it being the truth and guess that she is going to say things that i want to hear rather than the truth.

She has so many issues from her past and is so psychologically scarred by everything that she has been through and I have suggested the counselling route again today. I really hope she will either come along with me or go alone but I am not convinced. It seems to me that she has a built in self destruct button which she presses every now and then. In the past I have been able to pick up the pieces and continue but this time it really feels final.

I will aim to continue to conduct myself in this mess and try to still be supportive and understanding. We had a really good talk today which was nice and probably the first time in ages that we have been able to be like that but I will elaborate further in a separate post below.

notDoneYet · 2nd March 2015, 06:11 PM

N6, quick question. Would you normally be talkative and understanding about your relationship if this situation wasn't hapening?

N654563 · 2nd March 2015, 06:34 PM

Today has felt like a slightly more positive day than the way i felt yesterday which was a real low. I took the decision to go and visit my GP this morning and talk about it (first time in my life). That in itself was difficult as i have never been to see my GP before (lucky her to have such a pleasant first experience of me). I have to be honest and say that i found it quite difficult talking to her and was little teary as I explained the situation. The upshot was that she has recommended talking to 'relate' and we both agreed not to prescribe any medication apart from some optional sleeping tablets if I need them.

When I got back my wife asked where I had been as I has said earlier that i was going to the bank. We had suggested the day before that as we both had the day off today that we would talk more as the kids were at school and she actually asked me when i got back if i wanted to talk which was great rather than me having to ask. We sat and talked very calmly and amicably for probably about three hours which was really great. I think that we talked more in those three hours than we have done for a long long time, it was certainly the most that i have talked. We talked about everything from her past, the sexual abuse, her relationship with her JW mother, her father who died at the age of 42 and in the year that we got married and was pregnant with our first child. We spoke about telling the children, which she wants to do very soon, work, and the future...not a future together but how financially we would both struggle etc etc.

After all that I don't think that she feels any different about the finality of things and I tried to indicate that I accepted the finality of things to and wanted remain amicable, but I just hope she saw a side of me that she hasn't seen for a while or maybe ever before. Surprisingly I found it quite a liberating experience for me I actually found it good to be able to sit and talk to her like that with out the ill feeling.

When we were discussing the split i asked if she would consider being the one to move out as she had been the one to effectively end things and i felt that I had done nothing wrong. She actually looked a little shocked when this was mentioned and tried to argue the point as to why it had to be me, mainly from a financial point of view. I suggested that for the time being perhaps no-one should move out and we should try and co-exist (all be it with me on the sofa) for a while while we make plans for our futures apart. I suggested that this would buy us both a little time to sort out work issues and things which she was fairly positive about but we are going to talk more soon.

Sorry to be so long winded but the up shot is although I don't feel or am being told that anything has changed in her feelings I think it has been a positive step in the right direction and has helped us both open up and at least talk which has been great. The sad thing for me is that i now wonder why i did not talk to her more before!

N654563 · 2nd March 2015, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

N6, quick question. Would you normally be talkative and understanding about your relationship if this situation wasn't hapening?

Quite honestly no! Talking and conversation has not been my strong point in our relationship but i felt today has helped me realise my shortcomings in that area and whatever the outcome of this mess I will aim to be better. I think I am and always have been understanding but she may say otherwise.

notDoneYet · 2nd March 2015, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by N654563

Quite honestly no! Talking and conversation has not been my strong point in our relationship but i felt today has helped me realise my shortcomings in that area and whatever the outcome of this mess I will aim to be better. I think I am and always have been understanding but she may say otherwise.

How interesting. So you basically did a 180. Well done.