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Old 24th August 2014, 10:55 PM   #61
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Thanks Chosen your very kind. my judgement and perception levels are not functioning very well, IN order to help me perceive please can you bullet point the areas that you see as hope for me, I'm not being as you dismissive or glib I am genuinely open to outside ideas and perceptions so warts and all please can you tell me the key positive points that you can pick up from all I have shared with you all ? especially you and Raymond who have been brilliant with me.

Thanks RG
The two main positives that I can see are that 1) you are still very good friends and seem to get on well and communicate well, and 2) the problems she has don't seem to be about you or the the marriage, but about outside matters such as her job and grief, well she can leave her job if she wants to, and she can get through the grief as well, as we all have to do when we loose family members. For those reasons I see hope, and I cant really understand why she had to leave to sort herself out.
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Old 25th August 2014, 10:37 AM   #62
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[QUOTEI cant really understand why she had to leave to sort herself out.[/QUOTE]

Me neither and this has been one of my major areas of confusion, an old pal of mine who's judgement I really trust said exactly the same thing yesterday when I met him for a pint, anyway looking forward to seeing her later even though its raining here, I'm just going to play it by ear again and see what happens and judge her mood as things progress, there are certain things I want to ask her about our marriage but not sure if I should ask today or wait till we have seen each other a few more times and she is getting more and more comfortable in our company, what do you think today or some day later ?.
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Old 25th August 2014, 01:04 PM   #63
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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[QUOTEI cant really understand why she had to leave to sort herself out.
Me neither and this has been one of my major areas of confusion, an old pal of mine who's judgement I really trust said exactly the same thing yesterday when I met him for a pint, anyway looking forward to seeing her later even though its raining here, I'm just going to play it by ear again and see what happens and judge her mood as things progress, there are certain things I want to ask her about our marriage but not sure if I should ask today or wait till we have seen each other a few more times and she is getting more and more comfortable in our company, what do you think today or some day later ?.[/QUOTE]

See how the meeting goes today and whether you feel there is an opening for you to say what you feel. I an a great believer in complete honesty in a marriage and if you feel things, then asking her surely isnt wrong.
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Old 26th August 2014, 12:58 PM   #64
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

We had a nice walk and a good talk about various things, she said something to me that gave me some hope, she said that she has a slight worry about things moving too fast and that I might get the wrong idea regarding our new relationship, she said that I might ask her to come back and at the that time she MIGHT NOT want to, she didn't say that she WOULDNT WANT TO, the word might has given me a glimmer of hope
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Old 26th August 2014, 04:59 PM   #65
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
We had a nice walk and a good talk about various things, she said something to me that gave me some hope, she said that she has a slight worry about things moving too fast and that I might get the wrong idea regarding our new relationship, she said that I might ask her to come back and at the that time she MIGHT NOT want to, she didn't say that she WOULDNT WANT TO, the word might has given me a glimmer of hope
OK so would it be more kind to you both to have a complete break from each other for a set time? Have you actually asked her why she feels the need to live apart at this time?
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Old 27th August 2014, 09:27 AM   #66
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen I don't need to ask I know, it's all this stuff in her head and she obviously felt at the time she needed to get away from here in order to deal with it, maybe had we been at this nicey nicey pleased to see you stage of our lives when she left then if it was now maybe she wouldn't of left, she knows she handled it badly and let everything build up like a volcano in her head 7 weeks ago today, she should of talked to me like I said at the time and not just a knee jerk reaction to run away, because the problems she needs to deal with are in her head and she could run away to the other side of the world and they would still be in her head she cant escape those, I also know that she blames herself for her dads death, because the day he got taken in to hospital he asked her if she thought he should go in as my wife is clinically trained but in mental health her dad still wanted her opinion when the GP suggested he should go in, and he said "what do you think love ?" and she said "yes dad I think you need to go to hospital if the GP thinks you should" so because he went in and never came home she thinks its her fault no matter how many times that me and her mum have said otherwise, my wife can be very stubborn sometimes, this must be an awful feeling for her and with all the other stuff going on in her life must be contributing to making her very unhappy, I think your right about having a complete break from each other it would probably do us long term good, BUT we enjoy seeing each other as friends and we are commited to making our new relationship work I cant go back on that it would reverse all the hard work of the past few weeks, and I love her and I crave her company and I love to see her because I love her so much I miss her so much just to spend a few hours I her company a couple of times a week gives me something to look forward to, I am so lonely and lost without her, im stressed and depressed scared and lonely and she makes me feel better just to see her or talk to her briefly on the phone, she rang me yesterday evening to see how I was because she was worried about me as something horrible happened to me on Monday afternoon where I was accosted in the street by a drunken thug who threatened me just because I accidentally bumped in to him, its not fair because I had just nipped out to buy something nice for lunch and was feeling happy that we had seen each other for a walk and a talk and then she had come home with us for a while and then that low life ruined my rare little bit of happiness not that I can remember what true happiness feels like at the moment, seems at the moment the world has it in for me, oh god when will it all end ?.
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Old 27th August 2014, 09:52 AM   #67
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

ralf do you have a trusted male friend from church that you could talk to and who could pray with you on a regular basis?

If she now realizes that its all in her head, why does she have to stay away? Surely being with you and being able to talk about it would help her? Running away never solved anything. She seems to think that leaving the marriage will make her feel better, but looking for another job and maybe getting some grief counselling would help far more.

Her dad would presumably have died at home or at hospital, so not sure why she blames herself for that, and sadly we all have to lose parents at some point, that's what happens in life isnt it. She does need to let that go and do what Jesus tells us and forgive herself for her perceived failure.

I am sorry about that drunken man:-(
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Old 27th August 2014, 11:01 AM   #68
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Yes I am very good friends with the vicar who married us and he lives only a few minutes from our home and I talk to him quite a bit and he prays for us might nip round to see him later, yes her dad would of died he had no chance whatsoever, she just loved him and her being her she blames herself only she can deal with that and seek help for that and the other stuff, I want to help but when we talk about some of these things for to long she has a panic attack and says please can we talk about something else and I wont push her on things, I feel helpless at the moment in so many ways, to her these things are very real feelings, I realise they are in her head but she isn't doing anything about dealing with them and I think she should, I told her on Monday not to ignore them but what more can I do ?, she needs to face up to them in time but I cant make her, time is the key to this but time is my enemy at the moment because this is killing me with stress confusion and depression, I shake like a leaf, my shoulders are knotted, I hardly eat anything, I just feel so sad and cry so much, all I want to do is to reach out to her to help me but I feel guilty doing that as I don't want to put on her and look so desperate, she is a kind and caring person who would never look down on me and think me pathetic but I don't want to drive her away, the problem with me is that since my mum died my wife has shared and helped me with any problems in my life as a good wife should, now she is not here so the only shoulder I want to cry on is hers but she has caused my grief and I don't want my problems to become a guilt trip for her, so confused I cant see any way forward with this I just want some kind of break through or just to hang a light of hope on but I just seem to be going round in circles and not getting any where at all so frustrated and down and cant see any way through this, if only she would come for counselling but she wont because in her head our marriage as it was is over so no point going for counselling, maybe in time as our new relationship develops she might realise that what we had is worth fighting for but at the moment she is not budging and im scared of losing her completely out of my life because the little bits I get now are better than nothing and certainly much more and frequent than I was getting when she left 7 weeks ago, don't forget she has told me its over and I have to believe that and accept that but I obviously have hope that in time things will change and we can resurrect our marriage and move forwards, you know yourselves the positives that we have regarding communication and liking each other and enjoying each others company at the moment for what it is and that is 2 people with 20 years of history being kind and friendly to each other,
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Old 27th August 2014, 12:27 PM   #69
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

So what I think I need is the only person that can help me out of this mess is exactly the same person that put me in it in the first place and I wonder what the odds are on that happening at the moment if ever, I just wish god would help me and show me the way to cope and survive, I am just swirling round and round in a big sea of stress and confusion and I can feel myself drowning in it.
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Old 27th August 2014, 01:33 PM   #70
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

yes thats why you need the support of other people. Its is horrible feeling so alone, but you will get through, many have in the past. and many more will in the future. Do you think a trip to the doctors for some help for the short term may help?

What do you think she means when she says that the marriage as it was is over?

As you say, she needs to help herself, which she isnt doing right now, and that frustrating. If I hated my job and it was causing me so much stress, I would be searching for another job every day. If I was still stuck in grief for a parent after several years, I would be doing something about that. She has no reason to hold herself responsible for a parents death when he would have died anyway. Thats just harming herself, her marriage and her life.

God gives us free will. She has no reason to end this marriage as far as her faith goes, so not sure how she is justifying what she has done before God.
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Old 27th August 2014, 04:16 PM   #71
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen I know nothing any more, I have just spent the day crying, working, thinking, crying, wishing, crying, working, crying, wishing, my head is battered, yes been to the Dr he gave me some tablets
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Old 27th August 2014, 04:42 PM   #72
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi Chosen I know nothing any more, I have just spent the day crying, working, thinking, crying, wishing, crying, working, crying, wishing, my head is battered, yes been to the Dr he gave me some tablets
Were they anti depressants or tranquilizers?
Honestly I think you need to let her know what this is doing to you. Its just not fair, on you and you can go on like this for ever. Do you work at home?
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Old 27th August 2014, 05:57 PM   #73
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Both anti drepessants and diazepam to take the edge off the really bad times, she is not daft she knows what it's doing to me and how bad I feel, she knows how much I love her and how much it hurts, thing is she does not have a cruel side only loving and caring in fact the kindest most thoughtful person I have ever met including my dear old mum which is one of the reasons I never expected this from her, I want her to know exactly what this is doing because to be honest I want her to feel sorry for me and come back home that is the truth but I also feel if I tell her my exact feelings then it will ruin any chance we might have in the future even if we do just end up being good friends, honestly chosen I love her so much I would rather die than lose her out of my life forever I have had many women in my previous lives but never felt so strong or as much love for anyone that is how much I love my wife, the only thing that would break my love for her is if she met and started seeing anyone else, for 20 years we have been totally true to each other but the thought of her in another mans arms would turn my stomach that would be the end I would completely give up if that happened, yes unfortunately I work at home it used to be great now it is awful, she would usually of been home by now and I would of prepared our evening meals and we would be looking forward to a nice quiet evening but now just empty lonilness and 2 cute fluffy cats of course, not very impressed by some of my so called friends either they are ok but more interested in their own lives but who can blame them I suppose
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Old 27th August 2014, 06:47 PM   #74
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen if I was to tell her how would I do it without spoiling what we are currently working to achieve ?, you see when we meet we get more comfortable with each other, maybe I'm a love sick fool desperate to get my wife back but I still believe we have some kind of chance given the time and space to do so, but maybe we can't move forward until we have dealt with the recent past 7 weeks and the present time, but compared to the first few weeks things are so much better between us at least we are seeing each other and communicating ok, as I have said before who knows what the future holds the only thing is that this is all taking its toll on me now in so many ways as you can tell, I just don't know what to do for the best I feel so stressed.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 27th August 2014 at 06:50 PM. Reason: extra text
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Old 27th August 2014, 07:31 PM   #75
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I would love to say what I feel and what I want, and if I could I would say how much I love her and how much I miss her and how pointless empty and lonely I feel without her and how I fell I don't want to live without her and how much I need her and I would do anything in the world that I could to have her back I feel so sad why isn't god helping me, I want to hold her in my arms and cuddle her in bed at nights and stroke her lovely soft hair and love her and be loved by her and to do all our trips together and spend time together and how much I miss waking up beside her and spending the weekend with her please god help me and hear me and please bring my baby back please god I will do anything
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