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Old 10th July 2014, 07:50 AM   #16
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I'm not sure, it's always on my mind and I find it hard to sleep. I'm waking up most nights or dreaming of things. It's like I'm never not thinking about it!

Yeah I was really bad with it and I can't blame her for leaving me but she never stood up to me during our relationship so I never changed. Now this has happened I can see what a idiot I was back then.
Example of my controlling were the holiday thing (as you pointed out), making a lot of our decisions in general life, getting a mood if she arranged to go out etc. I guess I was jealous because we didn't have help with bringing up the children (her parents in another country at the time and mine are useless) so we never had the chance to really go out together much. I can count on one hand how many nights with have stayed away from the children due to theses issues. I guess it just made me feel down. Plus money was an issue when we first started out and had our children.

I'm living about a 5 min drive from my ex and kids. Its a new build property which I have bought. It's nice but it doesn't feel like home if you get what I mean.

Last edited by UkGuy; 10th July 2014 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 10th July 2014, 07:52 AM   #17
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
How long can you carry on this way and keep yourself emotionally sane?

Can you give examples about your 'controlling' behavior? Was it stuff like not wanting her to go away with her mates?

So where are you staying?
Forgot to post quote. See my post above for my reply.
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Old 10th July 2014, 08:57 AM   #18
Raymond
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I must admit it seems odd that she wants to go away with her friends on holiday. Or maybe she is testing the ground as to how much freedom you will allow her compared to before. Age may come into it as well. Isn't she quite young? These things in themselves are not grounds for divorce. You have both been faithful it seems which is important.

At the moment I don't see any proof that she is just using you and has no intention or feelings about getting back together. I don't see that you have anything to lose by going to this theme park together. You have quite an amicable relationship together compared to some who have seperated on this site. Who knows what it will lead to if you cultivate this a little? If it turns out she is just using you then that will become plain in time but I think that a little trust and building of the relationship, you being a changed man, might lay the new foundation that is needed.
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Old 10th July 2014, 09:19 AM   #19
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I must admit it seems odd that she wants to go away with her friends on holiday. Or maybe she is testing the ground as to how much freedom you will allow her compared to before. Age may come into it as well. Isn't she quite young? These things in themselves are not grounds for divorce. You have both been faithful it seems which is important.

At the moment I don't see any proof that she is just using you and has no intention or feelings about getting back together. I don't see that you have anything to lose by going to this theme park together. You have quite an amicable relationship together compared to some who have seperated on this site. Who knows what it will lead to if you cultivate this a little? If it turns out she is just using you then that will become plain in time but I think that a little trust and building of the relationship, you being a changed man, might lay the new foundation that is needed.

This was testing me as she was asking what would I be like if I went away with my friends on holiday. What if I do this, do that etc? All to gauge how I would react. I'm 100% sure this is a massive issue for her and she has told me it's hard for her to believe I've changed but I can't blame her for that.

Yes we do have but on the other hand am I being treated like a mug or does she generally still want me at a distance because she has doubts about ending it for good. She knows how I feel about her and I don't play games pretending I'm something I'm not. Of course I would love a day out with her and maybe she will feel or start to see I'm a good guy again when it's just the two of us. We haven't been together just us since the spilt. My question is why is she willing to go on a day out with me even if it's just friends??

How can I tell if she is "just using me"?

I'm 32 and she is 31. We were together for 11 years and married for 7. Not divorced as of yet and no plans for that at the moment and been faithful throughly our time together.
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Old 10th July 2014, 09:56 AM   #20
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I'm not sure, it's always on my mind and I find it hard to sleep. I'm waking up most nights or dreaming of things. It's like I'm never not thinking about it!

Yeah I was really bad with it and I can't blame her for leaving me but she never stood up to me during our relationship so I never changed. Now this has happened I can see what a idiot I was back then.
Example of my controlling were the holiday thing (as you pointed out), making a lot of our decisions in general life, getting a mood if she arranged to go out etc. I guess I was jealous because we didn't have help with bringing up the children (her parents in another country at the time and mine are useless) so we never had the chance to really go out together much. I can count on one hand how many nights with have stayed away from the children due to theses issues. I guess it just made me feel down. Plus money was an issue when we first started out and had our children.

I'm living about a 5 min drive from my ex and kids. Its a new build property which I have bought. It's nice but it doesn't feel like home if you get what I mean.
I dont consider most of those things as being controlling. If my husband has always been going out with his mates leaving me to look after the kids and wanted to go on holiday with them without me, I would be very miffed as well. Why didnt you get a babysitter and go out together? Why not go on holiday as a family?
We didnt have help with our children either but it wasnt an issue as we couldnt afford to go out then anyway and didnt want to go out without the other.

You are blessed to be able to afford to have and run 2 decent homes, so that's one good thing. Most couples cant do that.

Maybe it would be good idea to just let her know that you cant remain in this limbo state forever, and you need to know fairly soon what she wants to do. Its clearly taking its toll mentally, so tell her that.

My worry is that she doesnt want to get back together but isnt telling you, because she is quite happy with you as a friend who does everything for her, while she doesnt have to be committed to you, and also she doesnt want you to meet anyone else. I may be wrong.
Surely if she had any intentions of making a go of this she would agree to counselling again and make an effort herself to work on things? Counselling would give you better ways of communicating before it gets to the stage of her leaving again.

Last edited by chosen; 10th July 2014 at 10:07 AM.
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Old 10th July 2014, 11:23 AM   #21
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Maybe it doesn't sound it by message but I really was controlling and we had lots of arguments over the years about it but I never changed until it was too late. I don't know , we didn't have hardly anyone and money was short at the time. We used to go away on Holiday to her parents aboard but they were always there and we never had it just us. Even on our honeymoon we had one day together as we went over to her parents house (they're we're not living their at the time) but the following day they turned up. Do I wish we had done more together and now we have split up she gets lots of help with the kids and can go out when she wants etc.

I don't run two homes. One is rented through family (hers) and she runs that and I got a mortgage on mine and a few thousand in debt due to buying things for it. I am not plush in money terms at all.

I explained this to her about how I am feeling but she thinks I'm trying to pressure her in to going out / trying again and not I'm asking because I hate feeling like this. She says what's the rush of getting back, or do I want to be someone else and that's why I'm asking for a answer. She also said things are going well at the moment but she can't tell me that she "won't" get back with me ever again. It's like she knows I'm hanging on for her and the ball is in her court so she's in control over me in a way.

She said she doesn't want a relationship full stop at the moment it's not me she doesn't want to be with anyone. She says it's the first time in her life where she makes the choices and doesn't have to answer to anyone. She says her confidence is coming back and she is happy in her own company for the first time in years. I truly believe this but I also feel that she doesn't want to let go (me) just yet as she really doesn't know what she wants long term. She couldn't tell me what she thinks of me. She just doesn't know.

I don't know how she would go for it (counselling) if were not together and she want to be single right now. What do you mean by leaving her again as were not together?
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Old 10th July 2014, 12:54 PM   #22
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

I meant that if you got back but hadnt really learnt ways to communicate and sort out issues, things may go wrong again and she may leave again.

from what you said she is happy being single, but is wanting to keep you hanging on in case one day she decides she will come back. She says what the hurry, but its already been a year and surely she must be aware of how painful this is for you? Maybe you need to decide how much longer you can deal with this, and let her know that there has to be a limit to how long this goes on.

So who is babysitting so that she can go out all the time? Where does she go? To pubs and clubs? It seems she wants the single life, but at the same time having a man around who will act like a husband when she wants it.

Sorry but at this time she seems to have little intention of trying to make this work, and even if she did come back she would probably want to carry on living as if she was single and responsibility free, and not as a married mother of three.

She wants the advantages of the single life, but doesn't want the disadvantages, and she isnt having to face them at this time, because you are sheltering her from them.
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Old 10th July 2014, 01:15 PM   #23
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Sounds like she didn't feel free within the marriage and now does. This could relate to control which you say you have now fixed.

I think you have to both rework and discuss the relationship so that she feels free in the right sense. Both my wife and myself are happy with our own company and can do different things although we always have a holiday together. We eat together and have intimate time together of course. There's no lack of freedom. She doesn't try to change me or control me. Some things we do together like walking and gardening etc. Some things we do seperate like my swimming and tennis and her art classes and other stuff she does.

It's hard to see what she is hankering for to be honest. She is obviously getting help with the children now but why couldn't that help carry on to a certain extent?

The big question remains. Does she want to get back together but she doesn't want what she says is the control?, or does she just enjoy your help and has no intention of commitment? I'd go on this outing with her and see how it goes. Having these personal times together might well reveal what is going on.
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Old 10th July 2014, 02:13 PM   #24
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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I meant that if you got back but hadnt really learnt ways to communicate and sort out issues, things may go wrong again and she may leave again.

***the main issue is the controlling and I know what would be a issue if we got back together again. We would also talk if any arguments did arise not like before and pretend they didn't happen.


from what you said she is happy being single, but is wanting to keep you hanging on in case one day she decides she will come back. She says what the hurry, but its already been a year and surely she must be aware of how painful this is for you? Maybe you need to decide how much longer you can deal with this, and let her know that there has to be a limit to how long this goes on.

***In her eyes the year as gone by really quick as she had a lot on with her university work so she said she hasn't really thought about things before and also said she didn't know how I was feeling until I told her the other day. I try to put on a brave face I guess! Surely giving her a date and maybe putting pressure on her for a "final" answer is controlling in a way? I don't wants to come across bad but I see your valid point.


So who is babysitting so that she can go out all the time? Where does she go? To pubs and clubs? It seems she wants the single life, but at the same time having a man around who will act like a husband when she wants it.

***her parents have been back in the uk for a while now. I don't mean she's out every weekend but she out far more than we ever did. It's a combination of her mum and myself. For instance I cancelled my night out this week so she could go on a hen night this week. I was hoping this would show her a little of how I've changed . I know you're probably thinking I'm a idiot and she walking over me...



Sorry but at this time she seems to have little intention of trying to make this work, and even if she did come back she would probably want to carry on living as if she was single and responsibility free, and not as a married mother of three.


She wants the advantages of the single life, but doesn't want the disadvantages, and she isnt having to face them at this time, because you are sheltering her from them.
***i agree with you. She does want the single life at the moment and isn't having the disadvantages of being single as I'm very flexible for her. The biggest decision is do I cut her off to show her how it's like to be single and hope that it makes her miss me as I won't always be there for her or do I carry on and hope she comes round?

Do you think the only reason that she wants me around is to help her out and there isn't any feelings there?
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Old 10th July 2014, 02:14 PM   #25
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Post messed up. Apologies
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Old 10th July 2014, 02:31 PM   #26
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[QUOTE=Raymond;79191]Sounds like she didn't feel free within the marriage and now does. This could relate to control which you say you have now fixed.

*** totally agree with you but like you quite rightly said I have changed for the good, even if it's not with her. I just wished she believe me I have.

I think you have to both rework and discuss the relationship so that she feels free in the right sense. Both my wife and myself are happy with our own company and can do different things although we always have a holiday together. We eat together and have intimate time together of course. There's no lack of freedom. She doesn't try to change me or control me. Some things we do together like walking and gardening etc. Some things we do seperate like my swimming and tennis and her art classes and other stuff she does.

***im not sure how to do this when she feels she wants to be single?


It's hard to see what she is hankering for to be honest. She is obviously getting help with the children now but why couldn't that help carry on to a certain extent?

***sorry,I don't know exactly what you mean?

The big question remains. Does she want to get back together but she doesn't want what she says is the control?, or does she just enjoy your help and has no intention of commitment? I'd go on this outing with her and see how it goes. Having these personal times together might well reveal what is going on.

***i wish I knew but she's not giving much away. There is something there as she won't tell me that it's over for good and we would never get back, she accuses me of being with woman or wanting to as I'm pressuring her for an answer and she's willing to go out just the two of us "as friends" but of she isn't interested or feel something why bother with telling me any of that?

I really do want to go and I think it might help in a way but I do sort of agree with chosens post when she said maybe I should break contact to show her what it's like without me as she's never not had me there. I really don't want to be thought of as a friend to her, I want to be her husband.

The thing is I agree with both of you guys in what you say but I the answer are on the opposite sides and I can only choose one within a sense...
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Old 10th July 2014, 05:01 PM   #27
chosen
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

The thing is that when my husbands ex met another man and started to divorce him, she still wanted him to stay in the house(in another room of course, no sex allowed) pay all the bills, do all the husbandly things he had always done, but he had none of the advantages of being married. She wanted him to still be her 'friend,' to help her with whatever it was, pay all bills even thought she was herself working full time by then, and be at her beck and call all the time.
It wasnt till we met that he could see what had been happening, and even after we got married she still expected him to go round and sort things out for her, and eventually, he had to be really firm and say that there was to be no more contact unless it was specifically to do with the two boys(who were by then 18 and 21.) There has been no more contact.

I think you need to make her aware that this cant go on forever, and explain why. That you are in limbo, that you are suffering emotionally and that you need to know where you are one way or another before too long. Its not fair for her to be living the single life, while you struggle to cope with all this. if she is as happy as she claims, she is hardly going to come back the way things are. She has her cake and is eating it.

I think it would help for you to get in touch with relate and make an appointment to see them alone. They have lots of experience with this sort of thing and would be able to help you decide what you want to do, and support you through it . Tell your wife that you are going for help and advise because for you things cant continue the way they are for much longer.
They are happy to see people alone, and I think it would help you a lot. They even have phone consultations if that is easier.

Last edited by chosen; 10th July 2014 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 10th July 2014, 05:05 PM   #28
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Sounds like she didn't feel free within the marriage and now does. This could relate to control which you say you have now fixed.

I think you have to both rework and discuss the relationship so that she feels free in the right sense. Both my wife and myself are happy with our own company and can do different things although we always have a holiday together. We eat together and have intimate time together of course. There's no lack of freedom. She doesn't try to change me or control me. Some things we do together like walking and gardening etc. Some things we do seperate like my swimming and tennis and her art classes and other stuff she does.

It's hard to see what she is hankering for to be honest. She is obviously getting help with the children now but why couldn't that help carry on to a certain extent?

The big question remains. Does she want to get back together but she doesn't want what she says is the control?, or does she just enjoy your help and has no intention of commitment? I'd go on this outing with her and see how it goes. Having these personal times together might well reveal what is going on.
Raymond I agree that its not wrong to have separate interest and hobbies etc, and thats why I asked what his wife did when she went out. Its one thing to have a game of tennis or go to an exercise class, but its quite another for a group of women to go to pubs or clubs, where they will be meeting guys. Also I would be interested as to whether these other women are single or married.
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Old 10th July 2014, 05:33 PM   #29
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[QUOTE=chosen;79195]The thing is that when my husbands ex met another man and started to divorce him, she still wanted him to stay in the house(in another room of course, no sex allowed) pay all the bills, do all the husbandly things he had always done, but he had none of the advantages of being married. She wanted him to still be her 'friend,' to help her with whatever it was, pay all bills even thought she was herself working full time by then, and be at her beck and call all the time.
It wasnt till we met that he could see what had been happening, and even after we got married she still expected him to go round and sort things out for her, and eventually, he had to be really firm and say that there was to be no more contact unless it was specifically to do with the two boys(who were by then 18 and 21.) There has been no more contact.


***if she did met someone else then that would be it for me. That's one thing I am 100% clear on and she's knows it. I might be a mug now but that's only because I want to work things out.


I think you need to make her aware that this cant go on forever, and explain why. That you are in limbo, that you are suffering emotionally and that you need to know where you are one way or another before too long. Its not fair for her to be living the single life, while you struggle to cope with all this. if she is as happy as she claims, she is hardly going to come back the way things are. She has her cake and is eating it.

***I think I need to have another chat with her about this but I don't want to think I'm going on and on at her.


I think it would help for you to get in touch with relate and make an appointment to see them alone. They have lots of experience with this sort of thing and would be able to help you decide what you want to do, and support you through it . Tell your wife that you are going for help and advise because for you things cant continue the way they are for much longer.
They are happy to see people alone, and I think it would help you a lot. They even have phone consultations if that is easier.

Went to relate before and didn't rate them (the person I saw) plus It's very expensive.
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Old 10th July 2014, 05:35 PM   #30
UkGuy
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

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Raymond I agree that its not wrong to have separate interest and hobbies etc, and thats why I asked what his wife did when she went out. Its one thing to have a game of tennis or go to an exercise class, but its quite another for a group of women to go to pubs or clubs, where they will be meeting guys. Also I would be interested as to whether these other women are single or married.
Her friends I know of are all married with children although her best friend who she sees often is going through a rough patch as she thinks her husband is cheating so I'm told.

I know some of them don't like me and I wouldn't be surprised of she talks to them about "us" and have their comments about the situation. I just hope she is telling me what she is thinking and not what they are thinking.
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