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Old 18th September 2014, 12:24 PM   #1
MrsE
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Confused

Hi everyone. I am new to this site but could really do with some advice. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4 and got 2 beautiful girls. For many years we were very happy but something seemed to change for my husband as soon as we got married. 4 months after our wedding I found out he had been going on extra marital affair and swinging websites. This come as a massive shock to me as had always trusted him. We worked things out and everything was fine for a few months and then he would start staying out all night and not tell me where he was. He wound go on 24 hour benders and doing drugs occasionally. He won't tell me why he does it, we have tried counselling but he didn't like that so we stopped. To cut a long story short, although we still have our issues (he is a compulsive liar), things were much better between us until the other day when I found out he has been going on these websites again. I am absolutely in pieces. The worst thing about it is he did this whilst I had gone up to manchester for my grandma's funeral. I honestly don't believe he thinks he has done anything wrong and this is what men do!! I really don't think u can forgive him again but the thought of destroying my children's family is heartbreaking. Any advice would be fantastic. Thank you. Sorry for the essay!!! X
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Old 18th September 2014, 12:49 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Confused

This is very sad Mrs E. Who knows what he is getting up to. The best one can say is that he is getting into mental adultery at least but could be a lot worse. This is not being faithful and your trust will be taking a pounding. If he doesn't even think it is wrong then it doesn't look hopeful. Marriages cannot thrive with this going on.

I think you need to be strong and confront this behaviour. If you allow it you could end up like a doormat. He has to know in no uncertain terms that it is them or you. That is where you need to be brave and that is where he may pick up that it is wrong. If you pull back as you don't want to rock the boat you will never have a happy marriage. I know this is tough but that is what he needs. He has to know that he risks losing you if he doesn't change his behaviour.
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Old 18th September 2014, 01:18 PM   #3
MrsE
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Re: Confused

Thanks for your reply Raymond. I know you are right, I think I have already become his doormat!! I have told him it is unacceptable behaviour and he is going to lose his family. I genuinely believed after he did it last time he would never risk it again. I asked him if he could promise me to he wouldn't do this again and he said he would if I changed!! Not quite sure how he wants me to change as I am a loyal, dedicated wife and a good mum. I married for life and is very hard for me to think, through no fault of my own that things may be coming to an end.
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Old 18th September 2014, 03:16 PM   #4
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Confused

To be honest he clearly cant be trusted. Staying out all night is totally unacceptable. I mean, how do you know he isnt with other women he has met on line? Unless he is prepared to stop drinking taking drugs and being unfaithful, I cant see any hope.

If you want to give him one last chance, then why not insist that he resumes counselling immediately, stops going on any similar web sites, stops the drugs, and stops going out all night. If he refuses then I cant see what option you have but to separate. It wont do the children any good to live with a drug taking, drinking, cheating father.

I have heard of many cases where people lived together for years and then after the marriage things seemed to fall apart, but its hard to believe that all of this only started then. Maybe you just didnt know about it up till then.
No its not what men do, not decent ones anyway.
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Old 18th September 2014, 07:19 PM   #5
MrsE
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Re: Confused

Thank you for your reply chosen and I really do appreciate your honesty. Everything you have said has gone through my mind. I don't believe anything he says.
I think I have probably made my decision but i do wish it could be different. Thanks for help
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Old 18th September 2014, 07:37 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsE View Post
Thank you for your reply chosen and I really do appreciate your honesty. Everything you have said has gone through my mind. I don't believe anything he says.
I think I have probably made my decision but i do wish it could be different. Thanks for help
Its hard to have a good marriage when you cant trust anything your spouse says and does. I am so sorry. I am for marriage for life if at all possible, but when there is repeated cheating(or similar), and serious issues such as drug taking, and no repentance, I am not sure what can be done.
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Old 18th September 2014, 08:34 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Confused

If you are already becoming a doormat then you need to move fast Mrs E. We have had wives on here who lived with it afraid to move because of fear but desperately unhappy. It is not a good place to be. One came back a year later still in the same position still afraid to act and confront. She was desperately sad but stuck like she was paralysed.

You must confront and set down the deal. That, them or me. Make your choice as I am not putting up with it. You changing cannot be part of the deal while he is behaving the way he is. That is a nasty form of blackmail. These other things can be sorted when the basic unfaithfulness is sorted. He hasn't a leg to stand on morally. You must be brave and take the driving seat in this matter. I am sure we are all behind you on here.

No all men are not like it. What script is he reading? It is shocking behaviour.
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Old 20th September 2014, 11:10 AM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: Confused

I hate to hear this and my heart goes out to you, trust is one of the key elements in marriage without trust what have you got ?, a sham, a fake, uncertainty, lies, deceit, I believe marriage should be for life I just wish my separated wife did, she is having a MLC and is not the woman I married at the moment, but I have some hope that maybe we can sort things, but what your husband is doing to you is sinfull if my wife had done anything like that to me I would of kicked her out no matter how much I loved her, you need to do the same for you and your children, soory but your husband is a loser and a waste of space you deserve better.
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