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Old 23rd September 2014, 06:11 PM   #46
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife leaving me

So pleased for you mate I hope and pray it stays that way, I did the opposite to you I have grown my hair but used to shave my head now I look about 10 yaers younger and have lost weight, I envy you though with all your changes I wish I was feeling as strong as you, it wil be 3 months for me next week and my mood and state of mind is in and out like a fiddlers elbow and up and down like a brides nighty, I wish you well my friend you are an inspiration to us all, it would be useful to hear your advice from time to time so please don't disappear completely those of us on here still hurting need people like you to show us there is a life out there.
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Old 23rd September 2014, 06:45 PM   #47
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Neil Its lovely to get some good news, and it shows that there is life after divorce.
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Old 24th September 2014, 02:45 PM   #48
ronnoco
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Re: Wife leaving me

Wow!

What wonderful news Neil.

Look at you now!

Well done and keep it up!
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Old 24th September 2014, 07:43 PM   #49
Raymond
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Re: Wife leaving me

Wow that is really great Neil. Talking to your ex as a friend will help any bitterness evaporate which is important as well, not that she did the right thing, but you have forgiven her and wiped the slate clean which makes for a healthy restart.
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Old 9th October 2014, 07:57 PM   #50
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife leaving me

I am not being a killjoy here I genuinely hope that Neil is as happy and content as he says he is, but does it not seem to good to be true ?, I have re-read this and it seems too good to be true, is Neil only happy because of the Sertraline ? I have just looked it up and it is a hugely powerful drug and shouldn't be mixed with alcohol yet he is going to the pub all the time that is so dangerous, and when he comes off it will he come crashing down to earth with a huge crash ?, I hope not but just wondered if anyone else thought that with hindsight it is a little bit un-real after such an ordeal over such a short time ?, I hope its genuine I really do as he and I are in similar positions i sincerely hope that im wrong.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 11th October 2014 at 04:18 PM.
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Old 13th October 2014, 12:18 PM   #51
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi there. You don’t sound like a killjoy and there are certainly times when I think “what if” or “why coudnt it have been”. But the fact of the matter is that the situation is not that. This is my new world and I either embrace it, or slump in a heap on the floor.
I guess it does sound too good to be true, but I am finding myself now. Im learning / re-remembering things about myself and realising my possibilities. Ive realised that Im an outgoing friendly lad who likes talking to people. My ex originally fell for my personality, but when I was myself when I was with her, she didn’t like it. I was restricted by her and couldn’t realise my full potential. So I changed my personality to suit her unconfident nature (don’t like people feeling bad) so much so that I eventually became angry, moody, jealous, bitter and unattractive when she started to get herself sorted out and gain confidence. This feeling inside combined with Sertraline, counselling, and various other forces have attributed to this turn around.

What is the point of longing for something that made me miserable? Our relationship made me miserable. Yes of course I miss the thought or idealistic view of our marriage, but it was a farce. We didn’t communicate, be intimate, go out, share stories, cuddle, show any form of affection (I could go on)… I don’t long for that. Who would want that? And the Sertraline will be prescribed for 6 months after the time I started feeling better. And yes I could come crashing down once Im off the drug, but what is the point in thinking negatively about the future. Worrying about the future only spoils today!! I realised that all I did when I was with her was worry about the future, and look where that got me. I was depressed!! Im finally living in the present.

Im not going to lie and say that we are fantastic friends as weve had an argument since (basically us telling each other that we are enjoying flirting with the opposite sex), but it’s a learning curve. In time we will know exactly what is an acceptable conversation. Afterall, theres no guideline on a specific separation for people. We have since realised that in the early stages we will keep it to pleasant business speak as its still raw for us both. But we find this works. And once we are used to this, we can perhaps find a new direction for a relationship, as in close friends.

Hope this helps Neil
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Old 13th October 2014, 12:36 PM   #52
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

Neil there is little point in seeing the ex unless we have to, only for the children's sakes. Otherwise it just delays the healing and moving on process.
As you say, looking back and thinking about what may have been never helps, but accepting what is, enables us to grieve and move on.
As long as you come off the tablets gradually, you should be fine.
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Old 13th October 2014, 01:57 PM   #53
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Absolutely 100% agree with your first sentence Chosen. I was perhaps naive to think we could have a great friendship. She still wanted to know everything about me, where I was going, who I was seeing.
I told her I felt uncomfortable with this and a week or so later after we'd had the argument, I said that she needs to move on now. She said "Yes I guess so". She didnt seem willing to let go... oh well, not really my problem now
Yes, regarding the tablets, as far as I understand, they basically take a load off your brain. A little like a quad core PC processor. The tablets somehow open up other "processors" in your brain so that you are able
to process a situation that would otherwise be too much for your standard processor to work. This has basically allowed me to see the bigger picture, to understand the situation. So as far as coming off the tablets goes Ive already discussed this with my doctor and slowly ween myself off them at the end of the 6 months.
I think once we understand how the tablets affect us, there needs to be no / little fear coming off them. I think its a misconception that these tablets "mask" your thoughts, but rather allow us to understand our thoughts, its then up to us to decide how to deal with that information.
On the other hand I could be totally wrong But that explantion works for me and thats the one that will work for me
Neil
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Old 13th October 2014, 08:07 PM   #54
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife leaving me

Good on you Neil you talk a lot of sense mate more power to your elbow, good luck and keep up the good work, yesterday was the first time in 3 months I didn't cry and felt quite pleased about it, but guess what had counselling this morning and it started the floodgates off again, oh wel guess I just start again,
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Old 13th October 2014, 09:23 PM   #55
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Yeah its a bit of a process eh?! Certainly not easy. I cant say I'm 100% sorted but the fact is that I have filled my once boring life with things to do, very much helps. Am sat on the couch now, kids upstairs in bed and am about to watch a film. Ive just been texting some (new) female friends and am chilled.

I want to share with you my thoughts....

My week used to consist of
Monday: Go to work hungover and miserable. Eat dinner lie on couch not talking to ex.
Tuesday: Go to work hungover and miserable. Eat dinner, ex goes to work. I look after kids, lie on couch and drink cider.
Wednesday: Go to work hungover and miserable. Eat dinner, ex goes to work. I look after kids, lie on couch and drink cider.
Thursday: Go to work hungover and miserable. Eat dinner, ex goes to work. I look after kids, lie on couch and drink cider.
Friday: Go to work happier. Eat dinner, lie on couch and drink cider until 3 am.
Saturday: Feeling miserable and hungover. Ex goes to work all day or all night. I sometimes take kids to pub while she worked, drink cider
take kids home get them in bed, lie on couch and drink cider.
Sunday: Again not really speaking, wake up hungover, go to Tesco, or some arbritrary home shop, go home lie on couch and drink cider until 1-2am.

I dont know your story. I dont really want to read it as it stirs up old emotions that I don't want any more. But I think the hardest battle is admitting its over because it was no good. I dont think we should be so reliant on our partners. I became too reliant on my ex, but that was because of how our relationship grew. She at first with me, then I with her. I hated the world, I blamed the world, I hated everyone when I was with her. And it was all because I was with the wrong girl. Pure and simple. The right person wouldnt make you feel this way!!
And if there is no such "right person" then just be happy with yourself and surround yourself with people that do like you.

Ive always been very philosophical but my ex wasnt. We didnt work as we were too different.
I dont feel any hatred to her (on the odd occasion I have, but thats natural and Im not ashamed of it. Those "hate" feelings will dissipate). But I pull myself together again and remember that we didnt work.

My new week largely consists of
Monday: Wake up tired and hungover but happy, going to my new job. Walk into work smiling and being happy. Come home, tidy house (kids ruined it!), eat meal for one and watch a film.
Tuesday: Wake up completely refreshed. Walk into work smiling and being happy. Come home, wait for kids to be dropped off. Cook them dinner and have playtime before bed.
Wednesday: Wake up completely refreshed. Walk into work smiling and being happy. Come home, wait for kids to be dropped off. Cook them dinner and have playtime before bed.
Thursday: Wake up completely refreshed. Walk into work smiling and being happy. Come home, get ready for pub quiz, go to new local, have a fantastic laugh with the new people Ive met, get absolutlely blotted and stagger home
Friday: Wake up hungover but happy. Walk into work smiling and being happy. Come home, get ready to go in town with the social group or a different set of friends. Have a great night.
Saturday: Wake up hungover but happy. Wait for kids. Do something with them in the day time, then go to local for a couple of beers (the kids get fussed over so much). Come home, grab a takeaway.
Sunday: Wake up completely refreshed. Take kids home. Go to pub, meet my friend and have a great time.

Theres a lot of detail here, but I'm reiterating to myself how much life is different and better! The more I do that, the more natural my new life is!

And yes, I know, I drink too much. Brought up in Australia, its inbuilt

Hope this helps, try and see the bigger picture!

Stay cool, Neil
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Old 14th October 2014, 08:33 AM   #56
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

hay Neil my husband is Australian but he never drinks.
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Old 14th October 2014, 09:29 AM   #57
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Strewth !!!!

Well I'm having a well deserved wild time at the moment. Things will settle, but for the moment I'm going to enjoy life to the fullest

Have fun everyone !


Cheers Neil
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Old 14th October 2014, 10:07 AM   #58
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

I think its an advantage for both of us that we dont even like alcohol and cant take it. He had one glass of wine at a wedding a few years back, and nearly killed us on the way home in the dark going round a sharp bend by going off the road into a field blowing 2 tyres! There were trees all along there but by a miracle we didnt hit any(The angels were looking after us I am sure). We had to wait 2 hours till 1am for a rescue truck to take us home, and that was another 2 hours away. Never again he said.
Our vice is soya latte and the occasional carrot cake

Where did you live in OZ? DH was from Brisbaine, but he has been here for nearly 28 years now, so is half British really and has lost much of his accent now. His older son has been living out there in Bris for about 3 years now, and has recently married an Argentinian lady who he met there.
Do you ever watch 'booze patrol on TV?' A programme from OZ of the police breath testing drivers. Its unbelievable. Some of them literally cant stand up, and are 6 or 7 times over the limit, yes, so I know what you mean about Aussie drinkers.
The UK is more into binge drinking i think, but they are more into drinking every day.
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Old 14th October 2014, 10:31 AM   #59
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Neil I wasn't bored in fact quite content with the simple comfortable life that we had built up between us, no ill feelings, no constant arguing, no domestic incidents, no infidelity, just a nice quiet well funded well balanced life, we enjoyed each others company, we lived well, we ate well, we slept well, we went out weekends, up to 5 holidays a year, nice home in a nice area, nothing to worry about apart from the usual worries about keeping our life style ticking over I run my own business so while I do ok at it your earnings are never gaurunteed , and then out of no where my wife dropped the bombshell that has blown me apart completely, now on anti depressants and go for counselling, very lonely, very sad, very scared, very confused, all our friends say this is the sort of thing that happens to other couples not my wife and I, life is horrid at the moment I feel permanently ill about it all, I just see no future apart from a bleak lonely one if things don't resolve between us, I have no interest in meeting anyone else and the thought that in time she might turns my stomach, I just don't know what to do or where to turn, im 50 in December and dreading it, I look much younger but feel about 80 with all this, I see very little good or point in life, cant remember the last time I felt happy or laughed about anything, the past 3 months have changed me in to a bloke I don't know or recognise and it worries me, my wife fell in love with me the saggitarius me not this quivering jelly fish scared of his own thoughts, I can honestly say this is the lowest point of my life and that includes all my family passing away over the years.
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Old 14th October 2014, 11:46 PM   #60
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Wow Chosen, yeah that would put anyone off. You wouldnt think 1 glass of wine could impair you that much. My Dad used to drive after beers in Australia. But it was kind of the norm, or at least as I can remember.
I certainly don't. Scares the hell out of me. Even when Im walking on the path with the kids, I'm a little paranoid about oncoming cars.
Anyway we lived in Perth, southern suburbs. It was a pretty colourful place. Uncle was a £10 pom, and the rest of us followed 20 years later. It was pretty idyllic. Perfect family lifestyle!
Yes Have seen Booze Patrol - its awesome. Theres a good clip on youtube on this completely hammered Aussie guy that some young lads filmed. Its brilliant!
And as for UK binging... Yes we do, but thats our culture eh?!

Ive no idea what Soya Latte is, but I'll take your word for it
Ps was does DH mean?
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