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Old 1st August 2014, 09:08 AM   #31
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

******* Quoting Chose from UKGuys thread

Neil you have done really well.

Maybe before you didnt let he feel the consequences of leaving you, ie you finding her a flat and buying her furniture etc when she left you only 3 WEEKS after the wedding was a massive mistake. I expect you realize that now.
Some people can be very selfish, that's a fact, and they will put themselves before their spouse and even their own children. The fact that she cut you off from all your friends is a classic example of a controlling persons methods, and making the other spouse believe that it is all their fault is another.
Sometimes people will accuse the other spouse of being controlling if they dont want them to have their own way ALL the time, or don't want them to do exactly what they want to do all the time, regardless of whether its best for the family or not.

I am female myself, and I know many lovely women, but I do admit that there are some very controlling and manipulative ladies out there.

*******

I think at the time I got her the flat and the furniture and sorted tax and working credits because I didnt believe it was over. I guess in the same position as UKGuy. I knew she would come back, and I wanted her back.
But, in hindsight, maybe if I had left her to it... who knows where we would be. So, yes, perhaps it was a mistake. I think the problem was that we had gotten married 3 weeks earlier. I was embarrassed. "What could be wrong with me to make my wife leave after 3 weeks"...
I was devastated. It was cruel, what kind of person does that?

I think thats what I'm thinking now... "What kind of person 1 day tells their partner they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone, to love, cherish, obey and all the rest of the vows, and then 3 weeks later, leave". I cant figure it out. And to be honest, I'm fed up of trying to figure it out. She's broken my heart 3 times now. She won't do it again. I've almost lost my sanity, it's made me ill, my face is sore with stress, I'm not eating properly, I'm generally all over the place.

I cannot and will not allow her to do this to me again. I have taken your advice guys and completely distanced myself. I don't need a person like that in my life anymore.

I will however keep it amicable. I'm not into fighting. I have to safeguard my future, as a woman in her position could potentially take me for everything. I trust that she will not. Well its changed to "hope" she will not now.

Am looking forward to my holiday tomorrow with the kids. I was dreading it 4 weeks ago, now I cant wait. Need to get away, regroup, and come back rested.

Thanks guys
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Old 1st August 2014, 09:25 AM   #32
ronnoco
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Re: Wife leaving me

You are seeing things clear now. Exactly, what sort of person does leave their husband after 3 weeks! - it shows someone who lacks character, morals and family values.

I'm not surprised you did those things either - I would have felt the same.

One of the things I found most hurtful when my wife left me was that she changed her name by deed pole just 2 weeks after the breakup. 2 weeks! - Bare in mind that she left because she had fallen for another man. If I had beaten her up or something, I might have understood but I did nothing wrong. Like your wife, she told me that I was "too nice" - it's an insult really.
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Old 1st August 2014, 09:55 AM   #33
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Ronnoco,
I think I have to see things clearly (as much as I don't want to!).
The thing is that I have been the one that has felt like the bad guy all the time I was with her.
I looked after my family and thought about them. Thats why I stuck to a job I hated - for them.

I feel I have to get this anger out, I need to vent, and I think this is the perfect place to do it.
It would not serve me well to shout at her, (again as much as I want to say all these things to her). Theres no point in telling her things she already knows

I got peed off on Tuesday night and began a text to her until my friend stopped me.
It made me realise that it wouldnt have gotten me anywhere, and I would have felt like **** the next day, as she would be in the driving seat again.

She always said to me that "I wear my heart on my sleeve". She knows me inside and out.
I know for a fact, that my silence, my non-willingness to communicate, my complete "blocking of her", will be killing her... if not now, but in the near future. She is not used to it at all. You see, Im used to her silence, so for me theres no real difference at my end.

I've no idea what she gets up to, where she goes, who she sees, what she does... So I'm not going to feel the pain like she will be soon. I don't want to play games, but maybe I need to in order to move on with my life. At the moment she is my main focus. Once things settle and there is absolutely no contact, I will move on and something else will take my focus.
But I feel I need to get angry in order to move on. And TBH, I really am Used, cheated and just feel like a mug

She change her name after 2 weeks? I think that your Ex, UKGuys Ex and mine were triplets Not only did she leave you, she told you she met someone else, told you, you were too nice and then changed her name within 2 weeks.

Well my friend, you have done well to bounce back. And glad you are happy with your new partner now

Must admit, my faith in women has been dented somewhat. I don't want to be paranoid in the future, but thats going to be tough.


Cheers
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Old 1st August 2014, 03:05 PM   #34
ronnoco
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Re: Wife leaving me

She never actually told me there was someone else when she first left me despite me asking if there were. She told me it was for all the usual reasons of loving me like a best friend, not a husband, that she had not been happy for months (I didn't spot a thing), needs to find herself, she has changed, grown, etc, etc.

I found this out a week later when I came round on my way to work to wish my daughter happy birthday and watch her open all her presents. I saw her texting someone and realised it was a guy from work. I couldn't believe the audacity she had to do this whilst I was sitting right next to her and while my daughter was opening her presents! - I was ashamed of her and it was the biggest insult I have ever received in my life to date.
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Old 1st August 2014, 04:11 PM   #35
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

That shocked me reading what you said then. Total panic.

Yes it does sound familiar "You deserve better than me", "I cant give you what you want".
When I stupidly texted her 6 days ago I said "its none of my business and you don't have to tell me, but have you met someone else?" She replied "No I haven't. I know you like someone, you don't need to wait for me to find someone first to justify it".
I then explained that this woman is just a friend of mine. She said "Sorry then I'm wrong <her name> is stunning by the way. We shouldn't be talking about this to be honest. I need to stay out of your business. Sorry".

I think if I were a betting man she is basically saying "I hope you have found someone, so it eases my guilty conscience". She basically diverted the attention away from herself very quickly. And started saying how stunning this woman is who is my friend. Then she said that we shouldnt be talking about this, and for ME to stay out of HER business.
She also asked her friends not to tell her anything of my private life they see on FB, which again, I would say she is saying STAY OUT OF HERS!

She will be alone all week in the house - so she will certainly have opportunity, if she has met someone. But I can't think about that. Now that I have calmed down, I have realised she is a free agent. She can do what she wants - with no help from me!
I was so close after reading your post just then to text her as I panicked, and ask her again if she was seeing someone, then I stopped myself. And thought "What will I get out of this?"

If she says "no", I wont believe her and Ive just made myself look needy and pathetic. 1-nil to her.

If she says "Yes", it will be a massive setback and I will be so depressed while I'm on holiday. I will just be wondering what she is doing. 1-nil to her.

So, what is the point?!

Leave her to it. But blimey, it's tough.

I just re-read that 180 link someone put up. It's brilliant. It just keeps you sane.
I will not be at her beck and call, I will not hang around her feet waiting for scraps of love to be thrown my way.

If, while I'm away next week, I start to think about what she could be up to, I will re-read the 180.

If there were ever to be a reconciliation (which will never happen certainly in the near future), she has to be a different woman and not a little girl, playing with peoples emotions!!

And relax...
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Old 1st August 2014, 11:24 PM   #36
ronnoco
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Re: Wife leaving me

Someone gave me some good advice a while ago. If you get the need to text or call, wait 24 hours. If you still want to do it 24 hours later then so be it, but it gives you time to digest the thoughts you are having.

Don't over analyse it Neil. What's done is done. The key to you moving on really is letting go. Playing games, being bitter and angry really won't help you. It will slow you down no end. You should actually feel sorry for her - would you want to be the person who walked out on their wife after 3 weeks?, would you want to be someone who has these emotional issues?

Forgiveness will help you move on.

Try not to let her bother you whilst on holiday. Wear a new item of jewelry, perhaps a bracelet - perhaps your daughter can make you a loom band. Every time you start thinking about her or something to do with her, touch the bracelet to remind yourself not to do it. Tell yourself off. The first day you'll probably do it 50 times but then it will be 40, 30, 20 and so on. It will subconsciously help you stop because if not, it could end taking over a bit.

I'm glad you are finding the link useful. You need to re-gain your power, dignity and self respect and this will help no end.

Have a lovely break - emphasis on the word break - just have a break from all the crap that comes with a breakup - enjoy your kids and have fun, that is the purpose of life after all.

All the best.
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Old 13th August 2014, 11:37 AM   #37
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi All,
Thought I'd give an update...
So the holiday with the kids went better than I expected. We had great fun and I really bonded with my little boy. I got back last Saturday, dropped the kids off at their Mums and then..... the silence of my house hit me.

Not a good feeling at all. Felt very lonely. Ive still not seen the kids since. It seems so long ago when in fact its only about 4 days.

I went into town with some guys from work on the Saturday. It was ok, but obviously all this was on my mind. Woke up on Sunday morning and just had a total meltdown. Huge panic attack! So I started texting my ex asking her to give us another chance etc.. You know - the usual desperate stuff. Anyway she ended up coming round for a coffee. I thought this was it, it can all be put right.

Nope!

She stated in no uncertain terms that she cannot and will not be with me. She enjoys her freedom and independence. She doesnt want to be "under my control" anymore. That hurt. It was just the way we were with each other and she never told me when I was going wrong.
She also told me that she was never really cut out for marriage, but she didnt realise until now. (Great!!). She said we had a weird relationship that was more of a friendship rather than a marriage. I also mentioned about the "avoidant" word that you guys stated. She agreed and said she is. She cant form a bond with someone and she will be happy on her own with no one to answer to etc.

As you can imagine, it was a lot to take in - but at least now I know there is no chance of reconciliation. Been on anti-depreseents now for about 12 days, and I think they are just about starting to work. Am going to see a counsellor tonight - he's a nice guy.
Saw him before, when we were having troubles. So hopefully the next few weeks will be easier.

I think my ex was really just getting all her frustrations out in anger on Sunday. She texted later that night to see if i was ok and was concerned that it was a mistake that she came round. I just said the all that concerned me was the friendship instead of a marriage. She appologised and said she didnt know how to describe the situation.

Anyway, I havent spoken or texted personal stuff since. Not much point anymore. I just sent a text on the Monday asking what shifts she is doing next week (so I could plan my week).
So thats that. Been a tough week but at least I know where I stand now. Got to dust myself off and move on.

Cheers
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Old 13th August 2014, 01:07 PM   #38
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Neil

Its so hard isnt it, but at least you know where you are now dont you, and can plan ahead.

Hopefully you can arrange to have the kids weekends now its more definite. and that will help the quietness.

Is she now going to end the marriage legally?

Honestly there is so much selfishness around now, and people want to do what they want to do when they want to do it, regardless of their children or their marriage vows.
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Old 13th August 2014, 04:56 PM   #39
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi,

Yes I will have the kids 2 times during the week and one day / night at the weekend. I don't think we will get a divorce until the 2 year timeframe. Well that was the plan anyway..

So, here-endeth the story.

Thanks for all the comments and support over the last few weeks. Time for a new start... Its gonna be tough

Neil
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Old 13th August 2014, 05:29 PM   #40
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

Are you in the UK?
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Old 13th August 2014, 08:40 PM   #41
Raymond
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Re: Wife leaving me

That's sad Neil. The below website will give you a little insight into this type, usually brought about by a lack of intimate love from parents:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi...ment-disorder/

I know it doesn't help you now but it can explain that it wasn't you who was the problem.

There is help for these types if they really want it and see the problem. We have a lady in our church who is a psychiatrist/Life Coach and specialises in things like that. I have heard many of her lectures which has given me a little understanding of this phenomenon.

Last edited by Raymond; 13th August 2014 at 08:48 PM.
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Old 13th August 2014, 11:00 PM   #42
ronnoco
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Re: Wife leaving me

That's a very interesting article from Raymond. I see some of these traits in my ex, especially the bit about living in a fantasy land. She actually did fall for her boss!

Neil, i'm very sorry. I know how you feel. There is nothing anyone can see that will really help but things will get better in time. It sounds like you will have a very similar arrangement to what I have with my children. You will appreciate and love them so much. There will be many positives gained from this new relationship with them.

I find this website very useful to refer to. I know you are not divorced yet but the information is very relevant.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/213
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Old 14th August 2014, 09:44 AM   #43
chosen
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Re: Wife leaving me

Also neil try this website www.drw.org

I went one of these courses and it was very helpful .
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Old 15th September 2014, 12:38 PM   #44
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife leaving me

I feel for you Neil and wish you all the luck in the world, I have been apart from my dear wife for over 9 weeks now and it is killing me, but I know I need to bounce back and have sought counselling to help with the grief, lonliness, shock, stress and anxiety, just talking about it helps but I am scared of the future I am sure you must be too, please feel free to contact me any time you want and we can continue the dialogue on the forum so that other people can benefit and contribute ok mate ?
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Old 23rd September 2014, 05:24 PM   #45
neil123
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Re: Wife leaving me

Hi everyone - thought I'd give an update.

Well, where do I start?? OMG life is amazing.
I have not been this happy in 20 years. I literally don't know where to begin.

My wife and I are still separated, but very much on speaking terms.

I started counselling and started to take Sertraline. I feel I would like to give you all my experiences and knowledge I have accrued over these last 3 or 4 months.

I was very sad for some time. I was originally on 100mg Sertraline but had a bad reaction and shook uncontrollably about 4 weeks in. Spoke to the doctor and they put me on 50mg.
After a couple of days I started to slow down and the shaking stopped. I believe that this was my first step into my new world. I had also began counselling to understand the bigger picture.
I also started talking to old friends on facebook who were going through similar situations. At the same time I printed out and kept with me the AMAZING advice of the, what I now coin "The 180 program". These 4 distinct things have contributed to my fantastic turn around.

My counsellor also stated that I should be friendly and happy toward my ex, as there is no benefit in the alternative. So I did. It was good advice. I couldn't have her as a wife, but now have got her as a very good friend.

I have re-evaluated my position in life. And I love every second. I love the house I am in, the freedom, my new social life, my new image and the attention I am getting from lots of female friends

I have reinvented myself. I feel alive. I feel like me. I wasn't me when I was with her, and no doubt, neither was she.

I have lost 2.5 stone, shaved my head and grown a fantastic beard. The amount of compliments I am getting at the moment is incredible. I literally cannot believe it.
I went right out of my comfort zone and joined a group on meetup.com. It was brilliant, we have been out a few times now and have met some great people, again, in similar situations.

I have regularly visited my new local pub. I know all the barstaff by first name and also go out with them.

I get the kids 3 times a week. My house is pristine and everything is in order (the way I like it). I make their pack ups and take them to school when they stay.

I have met some lovely women and unbelievably I seem to be very popular. My social scene has exploded. I am back to my normal outgoing, enthusiastic, nice, kind, funny, crazy, wild self.

My face has cleared up and my confidence is at an all-time high. I have my last counselling session tonight. I don't need anymore now.

If you are going through what I went through - just go for it in life. Do not pine or long after something you cannot have. READ the 180 program, speak to people, enjoy life. We get one shot and life is too short.

I am extremely happy, but that's because I want to be happy. Im not moping about the situation... and lastly, which was my main aim (but is now not), my ex wife calls me all the time and texts and loves talking to me. And I, her. Just not in a married capacity.

Hope everyone is well... and thankyou once again for listening to me over the last few months.

Cheers Neil
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