Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 29th July 2014, 10:21 PM   #16
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Neil,

The good news is that you have a home for yourself and your 3 children and you are seeing them regularly and managing them by yourself. Based on what you have said before, I think this will be a great opportunity to create new bonds with them and have a better relationship than before. There are always positives out of any situation and this is a real big one, well done.

When people say "I know there is no going back" I often think they're trying to convince themselves of this (been there/done that) There's always hope if you want there to be and I can understand how these messages from your wife can certainly give you hope. Sometimes, a separation can make people see just how much they mean to each other and help find answers about what you got to the stage you did. You do need to be careful though. Emotions can make people very confused.

I think the best thing you could do for now is focus on yourself and the children. I think it's important to re-discover yourself. Do things you haven't done for a while, try new hobbies, change your appearance, treat yourself to some new things, learn to me happy within, comfortable within your own skin.

You know drinking wont help - that will certainly take you down the wrong path so try to avoid this but do try to surround yourself with friends, family and loved ones. Keeping busy is your number one priority in those early days.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 09:26 AM   #17
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Hi Ronnoco, thanks for the support.
I guess I feel a little cheated. All Ive done over the last 10 years is work so hard to create a nice family home for us… literally learning to build and then building an extension, fitting a new kitchen (which isn’t finished) all DIY jobs. I concentrated on us all, meanwhile my ex concentrated on her and the kids only. This in turn made me resent her, which in turn made her resent me. Im a very open person and she isn’t (well with me anyway). All I wanted was for her to open up. Yes, you’re right, Im obsessing on the relationship… “I know theres no going back…” – yes I am hoping I guess. But I’m not sure for what. This is the 3rd time she has done this. First time after a year, second, 3 weeks after we got married and now 6 years after we got married. She’s not good for me, and vise versa. And I guess what I mean by theres no going back is that fact. We wont go back now, as we cant make it work. We will never change our personalities for each other. And TBH, I’m pretty gutted, even though she’s made me feel miserable for so long. I think her getting the bar job (which I constantly encouraged), did it. She got the confidence she never had in life, and you cant change how you feel eh, she was ready to move on. She wanted more out of life. But at the moment I’m still struggling / accepting to believe that. I was always the money guy, but now she has 3 children, she gets so much money from the government plus child maintenance, that I’m redundant. And it sucks. Feel a bit used. I have a feeling this will take years before I’m ok. I’m dwelling on things in my quiet, lonely house. Its no good. I need to get new hobbies etc, but I cant find the motivation. God this is a tough period. I hope it gets better soon
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 10:40 AM   #18
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

PS what is the Divorce Buster 180? Is it a book. Sounds intriguing. Always liked self help books. Thx Neil
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 02:14 PM   #19
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife leaving me

Neil, I really do understand how you feel as my circumstances were similar. My wife got a job at a holiday camp and it all went down hill from there. I like you, was a rock and a hard worker, a real family man too, I thought we were the perfect family so know what you mean when you say you feel robbed.

The fact that this is the 3rd time this has happened to you says a lot and to be having doubts after 6 weeks of marriage - something was always seriously wrong there.

Perhaps you wife married you for the wrong reasons? Perhaps you were exactly what she needed at that time in her life? Perhaps like a safety blanket. People do change and there are often reasons to explain someones behavior, often past events but something you must remember is everyone has free will and everyone has to be responsible for their own actions.

You could analyse it all day every day for ages but all that will do is make the situation and particularly her haunt you and this isn't good, trust me on that.

You will get over it but you need to accept that you're going to be in for a rough and rocky road for the next year to 18 months.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children and a similar set-up to you. When i'm feeling down and my youngest comes upstairs to give me a Moshi Monster figure and a big hug it reminds me that life is still very good.

Nobody has died, you all still have your health and if you want to, you can turn this into a real positive with the relationship you have with your children. Mine absolutely love coming to see me and we do so much together. I'm closer to them than ever and I know that will never change.

You have a choice on where you go from here. Being bitter and angry is a waste of time and will hinder your recovery no end. Let it go. Recognise that you both must take blame but learn from this for the future. People say time is a healer. This isn't true, it's what you do with the time that counts. I know of a chap that still hasn't gotten over his ex. They split up 13 years ago, he still carries her photo in his wallet. It's a shame but I use him as a reminder that I can't end up like him. You don't want your children growing up feeling sorry for their dad.

Invest in yourself and your family and you will come out a better person - I know I have and you can too.

Divorce busters 180 is a book or can be found online more as a guide. It's particularly useful for people who have separated and are limbo and need the other spouse to realise what life as a divorced person is going to be like.

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...d.php?p=256158

Last edited by ronnoco; 30th July 2014 at 02:19 PM.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 03:12 PM   #20
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Yes, sounds all too familiar. I know I was her safety net, a rock, a steady figure in her life. Quite possibly father figure (sadly). She has not had a great upbringing; her mother "ran off" with the next door neighbour and her father blamed my ex for it, in some way. He wasn't very nice to her and her mother couldn't be bothered. I guess you could say a little damaged by it.. for want of a better phrase. But nevertheless I was that rock she'd always needed.

She could just never talk. I had a pretty rubbish upbringing, but found some Aunties later in life at around 18, then 26. They talked and talked and talked - oh my god they talked But I got all my emotions out and could talk (possibly) too openly to people. Which I think sometimes now hinders me. But my ex wife just couldn't talk. She bottled everything up then exploded by running away. I never knew if I were doing things wrong, until this explosion. On this last time she said that I'm a lovely guy and need someone that can give me what I need. She said she cannot. I got some texts the other day saying that she is a loser and pretty self damaging things. For which I stupidly said "no Im the loser...". Then once her ego was massaged, that was it, no more texts. Ive not texted her since she was asking for help setting broadband up. No more help, now.

I don't think my ex has the capacity to be open. She will never change, at least not with me. Ive wasted too much energy. Perhaps I am a little bitter and angry, but who wouldn't be? I put a lot of effort into a non-starter. I will get over that and will be ok. I don't deserve all the nonsense Ive gotten from her. Yes, Ive had my faults, well Ive just been blaming myself really for everything, but it takes two to tango... and I need to let go of that. Just at the moment its easier said than done.

Now she has done it this third time, I think I owe it to myself to take your advice and concentrate on myself and the kids. My kids adore me and I, likewise. I don't know if my ex was being patronising or not, but she said I didn't need her, to be a good Dad. I guess my confidence shot, I thought I couldn't do it, and left it to her....

What is your relationship like now with your ex? Do you speak etc? How did you handle the split, what did you do to pass the time? I was thinking about getting back into a band again, but feel a bit stupid being almost 41...

Thanks Neil
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 05:56 PM   #21
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife leaving me

Your wife sounds very much like an avoidant. Someone who didn't get the right amount of love as a child and who has bottled things up and finds relationships very difficult.

Read this page and you will find some very interesting information from Raymond : -

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/sho...?t=8885&page=3

I see similar traits in my own ex...

I do know how you feel and I feel the same but we both have to take responsibility for allowing these people into our lives.

I think that was actually a compliment from your ex. I read that as she is telling you that you are a good dad. I remember you worried about looking after the kids by yourself, well - what a positive step forward knowing that you can do it alone. Be proud and continue the good work.

My ex and I get on ok. I pick up the kids at the door step, drop them off in the same way. We keep it short and sweet but there was another man in the picture in my case. We work together as allies for the sake of the kids. She'll send me pictures and keep me up to date and vice versa.

To pass the time initially I kept myself very busy either seeing friends or family. I'm a big fan of the gym so hit it really hard. I also do martial arts. After a few months I started dated but this was a mistake, it was too soon, I wasn't over my ex. A year on and I am now seeing someone else who is lovely. I do still find the adjustment from married life and having the "family unit" that I had taken away from me very hard but generally, i'm doing very well and am happy :-)

It will be a tough year but you sound a bit more positive now which is a good thing.

Like I said, the choice is yours from where you go from here. Are you going to be like the man I know and let it haunt you forever or are you going to adapt and overcome?

Also, I am a big believer in karma, fate, destiny and that everything happens for a reason. I'm sure the universe has a plan for me as it does for you. I don't understand why I had my second car written off in a year yesterday but hey ho, worse things happen at sea ;-)

Think about a future for yourself and your kids but particularly concentrate on rediscovering yourself.

Of course it's not too late to join a band at 41! - I mess around with guitar and really enjoy it. Being in a band could really widen your social circle and open up new doors for you too.

All the best, keep positive. Things will always be ok in the end. It's just a storm you've gotta ride out.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 07:47 PM   #22
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Thanks Ronnoco,
seems like youve had a tough time, particularly if there was another man on the scene. I bet that was gut-wrenching. I still don't know if that's really the case in my situation, but what difference does it make I guess?! It doesnt change the situation. Must admit it really helps to talk to someone that has been through it. Glad to hear that you are seeing someone new and are happy. I certainly couldnt imagine that at the moment, or ever again. But I guess ive just said a standard response that everyone says?!?

The link you put on really kinda rang home. It sounds very close to the situation I've been going through.... the avoidant. Yes, wow, bizarre. I know i'm not blameless, but it certainly makes me feel better than terrrible at the moment. She didnt get the love, thats a fact. And perhaps that is a major reason why she can't show love. She's admitted so many times in the last few weeks that she is not cut out to be in a relationship, she cant give me what I neeed and that I deserve someone better. I thought she was just saying that to make it easier on me (or that she was seeing someone else). But looks like that could be the reason. She is a good mother (my words) just a terrible wife (her words).

Yes, this transitional period is leading me to think about who I am. I was always confident, the centre of attention, funny, happy person, full of life, ethusiasm and passion. It's what initially attracted her to me. It's funny because I look back and my ex was the polar opposite of each of those adjectives. But now, I am the polar opposite and she, seemingly, is my old self when she is at work. Wow. I have completely lost every one of those traits and she has gained them. That surely can't be a good relationship sign. I remember she was always insecure and hated the way that I would talk with women, so I changed my personality to suit, so she wouldnt feel bad. But then carried on until I was lost and became unattractive as a mate - definite irony.

I'm sat here now feeling as alone as I did at home. She would be at work and I would be watching TV and the kids would be playing elsewhere. In actual fact, is it really that much different?! She's made me feel so unattractive and bad about myself for approx two years now. Ive gone raving mad.. Ive been rubbish with the kids, in that Ive not taken an interest in their well being as Ive been obsessed with our relationship.

I think that if I was looking into my bubble, I know this is all for the best... not a healthy relationship, thats taken its toll on me.

But, just hurts at the moment, and hopefully it will get better soon... We are all survivors... what was that off Shawshank "Get busy living, or get busy dying?!"

Thanks once again for the support
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 08:04 PM   #23
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Wife leaving me

Yes it is horrible when you marriage ends. Mine was a very sudden and horrible ending after 23 years. In the morning all seemed well and in the afternoon the marriage was over.

It was different for me because I was left with 3 hurting kids, 2 teenagers and a 21 year old, so I had no time at all to even think of my own pain. I was so stressed with not having enough money, trying to help the kids, illness, being mum and dad(they didnt see their dad) earning money, keeping the home going etc etc. I couldn't face dealing with a divorce for 2 years, and I couldn't even think of another man till 4 years after the separation, and 2 years after that I did meet a lovely man who I have now been married to for nearly 9 years.

I didn't think I would ever be happy again and couldn't see any future at all, but now I have an amazing husband who is also a very good step dad to my adult children. We also have a beautiful grandson who is a total joy.
My husbands wife too, rejected him, was very manipulative and controlling, and she met another man and divorced him after 23 years. He too is far happier now so there is hope and life after divorce.

Have a look on this website There may be a group near you,

www.drw.org
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 08:35 PM   #24
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Thanks Chosen for your words. Yes, you seem wise and happy. Life is cruel eh?! But also good, I must remember that. By nature, I'm not a negative person, so I know I'll be ok, just totally lost now. But chatting to you good people unbelievably helps. You are all doing a great service, so many thanks

I asked my ex if she was speaking to anyone about what was going on a couple of weeks ago and she said she didnt want to speak to anyone. That blows me away, I just don't get it. Anyway I guess thats not my concern, I just don't get it as I'm the opposite. I guess she doesnt understand that I like talking about things with people. Think people that know us are so shocked by whats going on, as we never showed any signs of trouble. Match made in heaven eh ?!

Life after divorce - wow. How sad does that sound? Just cant imagine it at the moment. I bet you felt some serious pain after 23 years. Have been reading up on break ups (as you do) and I saw that it was quite common for a spouse to leave 4-6 years after marriage or 25 years. So I'm going to look at this as a positive, and be thankful it's now rather than later. At least I have chance to rebuild my life.

TBH I havent gotten on this well with the kids in a long time. I feel like I need to make more of an effort - no thats wrong, I WANT to make more of an effort now. My 2 girls are so beautiful. My 8 year keeps saying "Dad are you lonely here on your own?". I just answer "Yes, a little bit, but I love it when you guys are here, it makes me happy".
She's really astute. My 10 year old is a little like her Mum, in that she doesnt show emotion so easily, so we have fun in different ways. We have a similar sense of humour and I just make her laugh. And my boy is 3, and well mostly wears a bucket on his head and has jelly for a brain He is super cool though.

I find myself concentrating on them alot more now, so know it's a good thing really.

It's strange as I dont really miss my ex, I can't put my finger on what I miss - I dont understand... Hard times...
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th July 2014, 09:58 PM   #25
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife leaving me

Quote:
Originally Posted by neil123 View Post
It's strange as I dont really miss my ex, I can't put my finger on what I miss - I don't understand... Hard times...
For me, what I always missed and still do to an extent was the togetherness. The family unit we had. I enjoyed all the things we did together. Even a trip to Tesco's gave me satisfaction.

I see real positive things with what you are saying about the relationship you are now having with your children. The 3 year old will adapt easier but for the older ones, now is a critical time for you to show them a happy, outgoing, confident dad. This will shine through more than you will know.

Write a list of activities you could do with them and perhaps do one of these activities once a week. It doesn't have to be something expensive like the cinema. Even a walk on the beach or in the woods. Think of as many things as possible. I love taking my kids out. I take mine swimming every other Friday. They are aged almost 3, 4 and 6 - I need eyes in the back of my head but they love it and that makes me so happy. We've had ballet shows recently and have a pizza hut party for my youngest on Fri then a busy weekend.

You will get great satisfaction when picking your own birthday presents, doing your own little parties, taking them to the hairdressers, holidays, etc.

Focus on the kids, focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place.

It's going take time. Hold on to he good days and let the bad ones go. Things will get better, you'll see.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st July 2014, 09:25 AM   #26
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Thanks, once again.
Im taking them away next week, so will give everyone some breathing space. My ex has text me this morning asking my opinion on whether or not she should come and say goodbye to them on Saturday morning. I emailed my mother to say to her this is fine, but I will drop the kids off at my mothers, then pick them up once my ex has gone. Does this sound childish? I really don’t want it to sound that way, but its still a little raw and I don’t really want to see my ex at the moment.

I know what you mean about the closeness – sadly, we had not had that for a long time, so Tesco’s (as your example) just reminds me of being frustrated, fed up and bored. You are opening so many thoughts – I really appreciate it. I would not have thought about these things. I’m not looking through rose-tinted specs as much – sure, there were some good times, years ago… but…

I have a worry that she is feeling sad about this break and that she will get around me again as she has done on the previous occasions. She unfriended me on facebook a while ago which upset me, but y’know, what hasn’t lately? But we still have some mutual friends. My friend put a pic on FB and I saw that my ex had stated “I remember that day – happy days ”. I’m scared that I’m being sucked into it again – for example by writing this, as I do and don’t want to get sucked into it. Oh god I’m mental. I don’t think she is playing games, it’s just she did this the last two times and I couldn’t resist her…. She’s not good for me, but I know she is a very decent woman, which just drives me crazy.

I need my holiday…
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st July 2014, 10:35 AM   #27
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Wife leaving me

I would do all you can to stay away from any contact with her. You will heal faster that way. Honestly you dont HAVE to go onto facebook. Stay off it for a few months.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st July 2014, 01:14 PM   #28
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Wife leaving me

Google 5 stages of grief, you will find it really useful to understand the different emotions you will experience with each stage.

I would imagine you and your wife are both going through the bargaining stage. You can't just flick a switch that will make you not want to be with your wife anymore, regardless of the reasons, it isn't that simple - I know.

I suspect her comments on those photos are exactly that, self doubt. A week after my wife left me, she e-mailed a photo of my youngest on my shoulders taken at the Sealife Centre. I literally broke down at my work desk. She said she had found it on her phone and thought I would like it. I don't think that was the reason she sent it. Game playing often takes place although I don't think people always plan it to be like that if you know what I mean. A bit like your wife and the reassuring texts.

Best advice I can give is don't give yourself a hard time. Stop trying to convince yourself you don't want her back - just let it be for now, focus on the things you need to focus on, enjoy your holiday with your children, make it something to remember.

Everything you are going through, all the emotions, the mixed feelings are perfectly natural. Try and remember to follow logic and not your heart or your mind can start playing tricks on you and only remember the great stuff.

I think it's perfectly normal for her to see the children before the holiday but yes, you don't need to be there.

Keep up the good work.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st July 2014, 01:39 PM   #29
neil123
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 32
Re: Wife leaving me

Yeah, I guess you are right. Screwed me up with the texts this morning and feel like Ive gone back a few days. I think absolute minimal contact from now on is definitely a good way to heal. She declined to see the kids at my mothers and said she will just say goodbye on Friday as it might upset our youngest. So that kinda made me feel in the driving seat for once?! She probably didnt expect that. I also asked her to drop the kids at my mothers on the Friday as I couldnt make it (which isn't entirely a lie). And she will do that also. So great, I guess, as much as I would like to see her...

Things is about convincing myself, I really want to because I just don't want to be messed around anymore. She doesnt see me in the partner way, more of a friend, someone she can turn to when things get rough. But that's not fair on me. I need to keep reminding myself. But yes, its tough. I will check out the 5 stages of grief.

And regarding facebook I havent been able to see anything that she wrote before - just last night, and also she changed her own profile pic to a wedding we went last year.
Im not on the pic, but y'know.... FB at the moment has been great. Ive had so much support from people messaging me and laughing at my pathetic attempts to cook, wash up etc. Ive never liked FB until now. I feel I need it.

Thanks All once again
neil123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st July 2014, 02:44 PM   #30
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Wife leaving me

Its good that you are standing up for yourself and thats important for you to be able to heal and move on. This trait of errant wives wanting to still remain 'best buddies' seems very common and to be honest its very selfish on their part. They want to use you and depend on you while at the same time not wanting to be married to you or give YOU any support or completely let you go.

See UKguys thread, the same is happening to him.
The same happened to my husband with his ex, she was still expecting him to go round to her house and help her out with things way after we met and got engaged. Eventually I did say that she wasnt going to cut the ties so he needed to. Of course being like most men he hated confrontation and couldnt stand up to her, so he wrote a letter telling her that she wasnt to contact him again unless it was an emergency to do with the children, or something specifically to do with them. She stopped from then onwards(we were married by then)thank goodness, and we have only seen her once in 9 years at one of their adult sons baptisms.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer