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23rd September 2014, 05:15 PM
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#526
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I think we have to remember that she is already under pressure with this course and work. I don't think these dates can be controlled without her agreement especially as she believes the problem was control. If there is no willingness then there is no point. Yes once a week would be great if she agreed but I don't see how it can be forced.
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I 100% agree with this.
I guess sometimes its hard for me to give you a true picture of everything as im not that good at explaining things, I know the pressure she is under is genuine and I also know by me pushing things too much will make her think I havent changed and push her away further.
I need to respect her feelings at the moment and see what this oppertunaty brings.
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23rd September 2014, 05:17 PM
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#527
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
I suppose it depends on what she values more, her marriage of her career. She can always go back to her study next year or when the children are older. She does need to show some sort of commitment to ukguy and the marriage, as as yet it isnt there.
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Every thing is in place and she needs to process her application to UNI as a lot of things ride on this.
This could mean getting her dream job and being able to support the kids better. She has always wanted to do this since she was young and back then I was selfish and controlling and stopped her dream as I saw it would disrupt the family life etc. Maybe if I wasnt like that back then she would have this job by now and we would all be happy.
I cant make her choose, its her choice and I respect the fact she has decided to follow her dream job and progress she made so far.
Last edited by UkGuy; 23rd September 2014 at 05:47 PM.
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23rd September 2014, 05:39 PM
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#528
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco
Ralf, the 180 is for when you have decided that the only way forward is to cut all ties - in the hope that it will show the other party exactly what life will be like without the other person. Like Chosen said, UKGuys wife has never experienced this in any shape or form.
No, the once a week dating can't be forced, she's got to be on board. If she's not, it becomes a question of are you willing to play the long game?
I think a big part of this is even thought they're not like a real married couple, they are very much involved in each others life. Perhaps fear of loosing that entirely plays a huge worry for UKGuy. I.e. least he has the women he loves in his life in some capacity.
It's all about personal choices and decisions...
Personally, I think the longer it goes on, the least likely you are to get the outcome you want because there comes a point where just too much has gone. The clock is always ticking, kids are growing up and adapting. I would be very worried about the kids and hurting them if I were in his shoes.
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I think if there is "real hope" and it "does" need time to get back together then maybe I could give it the time providing that slow progress is being made. If its fizzles out or its just so we can keep the current part time husband state then I WILL put the things in place and finally, for the first time let her have the REAL single life.
I sort of agree with the longer it goes on etc but the fact this after all this time she is going to start going out with me and see what happens. That has to be progress, even though not my end goal.
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23rd September 2014, 05:44 PM
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#529
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I was also drained and tired the other night when we spoke so I think tomorrow night will be good to get any questions off me chest and to firm up what we spoke about the other night.
I will mention that if this is just to keep things as they are without trying to go foward im not interested. Also as Ronnoco says if she cant get over the fact I have change then there is no point either.
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23rd September 2014, 07:08 PM
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#530
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I hope that you will get a true picture tomorrow of whether she is really committed or not.
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24th September 2014, 10:10 AM
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#531
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I was interested in the University bit UKGuy especially the dream she has had since she was a child. I am wondering how big a part this has played in things especially as you were preventing her seeking this.
My oldest son married a girl who always dreamed of being a doctor. The way seemed to be blocked until she suddenly got a training place towards the end of their post honeymoon six month travels in the far east. They came home early because of that. She is now a qualified doctor but only works three days a week and him four. They have two under two's to take care of and these days she talks about giving up work. I suppose her dream is out of her system but at the moment she gets good money from the three days she does and he can afford to work only four days.
These childhood dreams are quite powerful and in a way I can see a measure of what happened in that aspect if you tried to stop that. Maybe she believed in it powerfully enough to live the single life if that is what it was going to take.
I think the best thing you can do now is to give your blessing and encouragement to what she is undertaking and even ask her forgiveness. You must make it known that you are fully behind her. That would be the very opposite of what control was trying to do. It is obviously very important to her. Not something you could stop really. I think this aspect is very important to the whole thing we are talking about and could be the very reason in her seeking a single life.
Last edited by Raymond; 24th September 2014 at 10:15 AM.
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24th September 2014, 10:35 AM
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#532
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I honestly cant see how any mum with young children can work, study and still have time to be there for them while they are young. Something will have to give and its often the kids who suffer.
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24th September 2014, 11:18 AM
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#533
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
I know what it's like to have 3 young children - it's hard! I can't possibly see how you can look after them, work and study for uni - you absolutely wouldn't be giving the children the love, care and attention they deserve.
It's all about choices really. Some people are very career minded some people are family minded and some people want both but if you have big dreams that you want to fulfil, why have 3 kids?
I remember seeing a really good job come up when my second child had just been born. I didn't apply because I knew it would affect the work life balance I had, working evenings, weekends, etc. I didn't want to miss out on my children growing up and have my wife stressed to the max because I couldn't support her enough. Family always came first for me.
I know of people who have gone straight back to work after having a child and their child is in full time nursery - these children will probably have a better relationship with their carer than their own parents - I know sometimes it's unavoidable but I really don't like it. Children need there parents.
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24th September 2014, 11:29 AM
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#534
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I was interested in the University bit UKGuy especially the dream she has had since she was a child. I am wondering how big a part this has played in things especially as you were preventing her seeking this.
My oldest son married a girl who always dreamed of being a doctor. The way seemed to be blocked until she suddenly got a training place towards the end of their post honeymoon six month travels in the far east. They came home early because of that. She is now a qualified doctor but only works three days a week and him four. They have two under two's to take care of and these days she talks about giving up work. I suppose her dream is out of her system but at the moment she gets good money from the three days she does and he can afford to work only four days.
These childhood dreams are quite powerful and in a way I can see a measure of what happened in that aspect if you tried to stop that. Maybe she believed in it powerfully enough to live the single life if that is what it was going to take.
I think the best thing you can do now is to give your blessing and encouragement to what she is undertaking and even ask her forgiveness. You must make it known that you are fully behind her. That would be the very opposite of what control was trying to do. It is obviously very important to her. Not something you could stop really. I think this aspect is very important to the whole thing we are talking about and could be the very reason in her seeking a single life.
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She's knows I'm supportive towards that as I have done things like help her with her study's eg maths tuition, proof reading and printing work for her. In addition I have also told her how proud I am of what she has accomplished so far and I always say I think she will do well when she gets qualified.
I think the wanting the single life is due to making her own choices and not feeling constant pressure eg she thinks things will be like it used to be but it won't now.
Unfortunately I have been vomiting most of the night as I think I got a 24 hour virus so I asked if we can talk on the weekend instead as I'm in no fit state at the moment.
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24th September 2014, 11:31 AM
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#535
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
I honestly cant see how any mum with young children can work, study and still have time to be there for them while they are young. Something will have to give and its often the kids who suffer.
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Both our children are at full time school and she can work and study around them. It is do able and they aren't pushed out. If she gets her uni place then things might change
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24th September 2014, 11:33 AM
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#536
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 345
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco
I know what it's like to have 3 young children - it's hard! I can't possibly see how you can look after them, work and study for uni - you absolutely wouldn't be giving the children the love, care and attention they deserve.
It's all about choices really. Some people are very career minded some people are family minded and some people want both but if you have big dreams that you want to fulfil, why have 3 kids?
I remember seeing a really good job come up when my second child had just been born. I didn't apply because I knew it would affect the work life balance I had, working evenings, weekends, etc. I didn't want to miss out on my children growing up and have my wife stressed to the max because I couldn't support her enough. Family always came first for me.
I know of people who have gone straight back to work after having a child and their child is in full time nursery - these children will probably have a better relationship with their carer than their own parents - I know sometimes it's unavoidable but I really don't like it. Children need there parents.
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We have two children not 3. She currently works only 2 shifts a week and study is once a week, most of it doesn't effect the kids that much.
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24th September 2014, 01:31 PM
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#537
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by UkGuy
Both our children are at full time school and she can work and study around them. It is do able and they aren't pushed out. If she gets her uni place then things might change
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Does she not work full time then?
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24th September 2014, 01:38 PM
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#538
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco
I know what it's like to have 3 young children - it's hard! I can't possibly see how you can look after them, work and study for uni - you absolutely wouldn't be giving the children the love, care and attention they deserve.
It's all about choices really. Some people are very career minded some people are family minded and some people want both but if you have big dreams that you want to fulfil, why have 3 kids?
I remember seeing a really good job come up when my second child had just been born. I didn't apply because I knew it would affect the work life balance I had, working evenings, weekends, etc. I didn't want to miss out on my children growing up and have my wife stressed to the max because I couldn't support her enough. Family always came first for me.
I know of people who have gone straight back to work after having a child and their child is in full time nursery - these children will probably have a better relationship with their carer than their own parents - I know sometimes it's unavoidable but I really don't like it. Children need there parents.
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I totally agree. My children always came first for me. There was no way I could have done a degree when they were young.They need a lot of attention and support when they are small, and what with school holidays and times off for illness, there are many days they are at home anyway. I do know people who did a degree when their children were much older, older teenagers and young adults.
My DIL had had to go back to work 4 days a week because they cant afford to live on one wage, but at least she had the whole of the first year off of their sons life. She would like to do three days but money would be very tight and her boss said no anyway. Fortunately he loves going to nursery, and gets on brilliantly with the other littlies.
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24th September 2014, 01:41 PM
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#539
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Quote:
Originally Posted by UkGuy
We have two children not 3. She currently works only 2 shifts a week and study is once a week, most of it doesn't effect the kids that much.
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OH OK I thought she worked full time. How does she afford to live on only doing 2 shifts a week???
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24th September 2014, 01:56 PM
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#540
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
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Re: I really don't know what to do! Help needed please
Sorry - thought you had 2 kids but either way, I simply meant back then, when they were young - realistically it wouldn't of been good to do a degree anyway.
If they are at school now then yes, of course, that's possible and a smart move and you will support her fully but I honestly don't think this is all because of control and you not letting her go to uni.
It's a guessing game really. It could be her and a bad childhood, not happy in her own skin, not sure how she 'should' feel about you, confused about what love really is, etc, etc
You could analyse the last 11 years but either way, the past is the past, you've proved you've changed, you've showed you are willing to support her and do absolutely whatever it takes - you have been in limbo for 14 months - what does she want from you?
I can't be good for the kids, it just can't - you just need to know where you stand one way or the other.
It's so simple - do you want to start dating and give it a 'real good try' or not.
If so, great. If not, start the 180 and all separating procedures and have hope that she comes back.
Last edited by ronnoco; 24th September 2014 at 02:32 PM.
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