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Old 8th December 2010, 12:49 PM   #61
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Birdit I lost all that and more when my first marriage suddenly ended after 23 years. For ages I felt that I had no future at all, and only kept going for my childrens sake, but gradually things did begin to improve.
After about 3 years or so I did begin to think that I would like to meet someone else,and after 6 years of being a single parent, I did. Its now 11 years since my marriage ended, and 5 years since I married my second husband, and life has never been better.There is light at the end of the tunnel, but its early days yet, so be patient with yourself.
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Old 8th December 2010, 02:09 PM   #62
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I don't have time to be patient sadly. I am in my late thirties and he has robbed me of my chance to have children unless I meet someone NOW. This is clearly not going to happen as I am not in the right frame of mind for it and can't imagine ever meeting someone like him again. So really, I face a childless future and that is somethign I will never forgive him for or be able to come to terms with. it's easy for him - he'll meet a younger woman, have a family, and live happily ever after, with me a distant memory.
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Old 8th December 2010, 03:35 PM   #63
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Birdit I know several women who had children in their 40's, and in fact I know a lady who is expecting her third child at age 49!!!! Therefore dont give up.
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Old 13th December 2010, 06:48 PM   #64
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hi Chosen
Thanks for your words.... I have been feeeling even worse since last week, I just can't get over my husband's decision to divorce me. I feel I can't go on. Everyone is telling me to get over it and move on, but I can't. I don't want to, I want him back and I feel we have just given up too easily. He keeps emailing me about financial things - I think he's gearing up to screw me over as he keeps saying he will be "fair" even though he doesn't feel "responsible" for our demise. He said our situation is tragic but that it would have been more tragic if we had split up in 5 years time. He tells me he is hurting a lot but that he feels "empty about us". He is on anti-depressants and says that the medication is numbing his feelings. I dont' know if there is a chance or not. I'm worried I am deluding myself and reading positive things when there are none. I keep deluding myself that he will change his mind. I am at a loss to know what to do. he said he felt I sniped at him and that I didn't support his achievements 100% - I guess he felt I didn't admire or respect him enough. I can see why he didn't if I criticised him when I had been drinking. He said he wasn't as mentally strong as I thought. Truth is I think I was jealous of his success because my own life has been a bit of a failure. I also thought he was very strong, and am shocked he expressed such fragility. I responded to him accepting responsibility for everything and that I was sorry I had made him feel that way. I apologised for leaving him to fend for himself. I told him I admired him etc but couldn't expect him to forgive me. Since then (Friday) i've had no response at all. I am seriously worried about my state of mind and what is going to happen next.
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Old 13th December 2010, 07:31 PM   #65
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

birdit
If he is divorcing you, it doesnt matter whose fault it is, as the solicitors wont take any of that into account. All they will do is decide who should have what based on financial matters and the law.

What grounds is he thinking of divorcing you? The only options for him under British Law are
a) for unreasonable behaviour
b)after a 2 year seperation (if you both agree) and
c)after a five year seperation (if only one spouse agrees).

Also it isnt up to him to decide what is 'fair' or 'reasonable', but up to your solicitor and his solicitor to agree on with your respective instructions, and if you cant agree, a judge will decide. It has nothiong to do with what he wants. If he is clear that he is divorcing you, you need to get a solicitor asap.

I am sorry that you are so upset, its always horrible when a marriage ends. YOu will be able to move on, but it is very early days yet, and far too soon for you to be able to put it all behind you.
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Old 13th December 2010, 09:36 PM   #66
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Agree with you, but he is playing the game of "we don't need solicitors, I don't want it to get ugly, or for you to be greedy etc" - so as soon as I mention lawyers, he will think i'm trying to rape him for all his money. Not the case, but I need a lawyer on my side.
But anyway, it's not about money, I just want to know if there's a chance of reconciliation - I fear not but wish there was.
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Old 13th December 2010, 11:10 PM   #67
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Is he gong to divorce you or what? If he is, then yes, you can do it without solicitors, but when there is property involved my advise it to definately get one.
If you want reconciliation, then tell him that is what you want and that you wont have anything to do with a divorce.You dont have to sign anything and can delay it for a long time. It sounds as if he has made his mind up, but there is always hope. Would he carry on seeing a counsellor do you think?
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Old 13th December 2010, 11:20 PM   #68
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Re: husband asked me to move out

nope, not a chance, unless he has fundamentally changed his stance on things. all this time and soul searching has really made me realise all the mistakes i made. he's not perfect either, but i see now how awful i was. everyone tells me to move on and that i'll be happy one day, bt right now, that's the last thing i can envisage. because i feel so much guilt, i can't move on unless i feel i've tried - and because we live apart, it's so hard. if i was still there, i could work on him............ all these dodgy 'save your marriage' websites advise you to keep away, give them time to miss you..... did that last week and he kept texting asking why i was ignroing him! and then i gave in and now the tables have turned again.....
anyway, i expect this is boring for you all to keep hearing. not sure if he is going to file or not - he doesn't have my address, but maybe that is why he has gone quiet - is waiting to see a lawyer. he knows i'd jump at a chance to reconcile.
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Old 13th December 2010, 11:24 PM   #69
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Unhappy Re: husband asked me to move out

also sad as it's exactly 10 years tomorrow since our first date
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Old 13th December 2010, 11:30 PM   #70
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

maybe the advice to stay away is very good and apt for your situation. It clearly made him wonder why you werent contacting him. If he wants it to end, then why does he still want all this contact, you cant have it both ways. Stop contacting him for a few weeks and see what happens. You have nothing to loose. How will he miss you if you give him all of the contact that he asks for? Play it cool and stop chasing him. Dont respond to texts or phone calls or e-mails.

If he isnt filing, then why is he asking you for all these financial details?
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Old 14th December 2010, 02:16 PM   #71
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Maybe he wants the contact to sort things out voluntarily with his offers rather than going through the courts and paying solicitors. Maybe he gets worried when you are quiet that you are going to solicitors?

On the marriage side respect is very important to a man and I can see what has gone wrong. It would be mendable but it would take getting the chance which you are not getting. I think if you are getting insights as to where you went wrong it would be good to express it to him in writing as and when. You never know what it could do.

Once you are in the courts it would be probably be too late as that is kind of like a fight isn't it? Trying to sort a relationship then would be a distinct disadvantage.
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Old 14th December 2010, 03:30 PM   #72
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hi Raymond
He sent me an email Friday saying I hadn't supported him emotionally, that he's not as strong as I thought, that I sniped at him and that he now felt "a little empty about us". So I responded taking responsibility, saying what I had done wrong, that I had left him to fend for himself, that I was sorry, selfish and couldn't expect him to forgive me. Since then - SILENCE. And it's killing me. But also, I'm in such pain because I know, following all these realisations, that together we could work it out. If only. He says I've crushed his feelings for me, but I do believe he still cares, adn surely if there are embers, they can be fanned into flames. But HOW???
I don't think begging and pleading will make him respect me or want to try - it will make him pull away. Surely I need to draw him closer to me - but HOW?? Any help gratefully received - I feel I'm cracking up.
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Old 14th December 2010, 04:25 PM   #73
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

if there is silence, then maybe he is thinking about what you said. Let him think, and give him space. I would withdraw for a while like I said, and give him a chance to miss you and reflect.
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Old 14th December 2010, 08:29 PM   #74
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

He's beginning to express his vulnerability Birdit and that is a good thing. Sounds like you hit him while he was down. You gave him a good response in your e mail reply and as Chosen has pointed out he may well now be thinking about what you said. We don't know.

Maybe he kicked you out in anger and doesn't know what to do now. Your repentance may be the crucial thing but please don't grovel. That would be unbecoming. I know he isn't perfect either, who is, but you can only be as good as you are.

I get the feeling that something has to be mended but he doesn't know how to do it. He sounds like a person that needs emotional support. All us husbands do. We can go out and do whatever but we need to repair. A loving wife is essential for those of us who are married and don't forget the respect. This is important to a man.

I think maybe he needs you but doesn't want to admit it as he is afraid of your disrespect. He is afraid that when he is vulnerable you will hit on him and make little of it. Maybe he has been wounded and is now on anti depressants when your love and respect are the answer.

I don't think it is too late even now. Choose your words and don't point out any of his faults at this time. That doesn't work even in a good marriage. I think maybe his love language is words of affirmation. If you can do that without any thought of getting back together I think it will take care of itself.
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Old 14th December 2010, 08:36 PM   #75
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

He's beginning to express his vulnerability Birdit and that is a good thing. Sounds like you hit him while he was down. You gave him a good response in your e mail reply and as Chosen has pointed out he may well now be thinking about what you said. We don't know.

Maybe he kicked you out in anger and doesn't know what to do now. Your repentance may be the crucial thing but please don't grovel. That would be unbecoming. I know he isn't perfect either, who is, but you can only be as good as you are.

I get the feeling that something has to be mended but he doesn't know how to do it. He sounds like a person that needs emotional support. All us husbands do. We can go out and do whatever but we need to repair. A loving wife is essential for those of us who are married and don't forget the respect. This is important to a man.

I think maybe he needs you but doesn't want to admit it as he is afraid of your disrespect. He is afraid that when he is vulnerable you will hit on him and make little of it. Maybe he has been wounded and is now on anti depressants when your love and respect are the answer.

I don't think it is too late even now. Choose your words and don't point out any of his faults at this time. That doesn't work even in a good marriage. I think maybe his love language is words of affirmation. If you can do that without any thought of getting back together I think it will take care of itself.
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