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Old 9th July 2007, 05:54 PM   #1
srhyemri
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Exclamation HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

I have known my husband for 6 1/2 - 7 years now and we dated during most of that time (on and off, but mostly on). We finally got married a little over 6 months ago. We are both avid Christians and attend church at least once a week.

About 2 1/2 months ago, I discovered porn in the history on my husband's computer. I had no idea that he did that sort of thing. This hurt me very deeply, but I decided to wait and see if it was a regular thing or if it was just a one time deal. So, over the next couple of weeks, I continued to check his computer on a semi-daily basis. To my dismay, I found that it was a pretty regular thing (AT LEAST once a week, usually more). I confronted him about it and he promised that he would stop doing it and he appoligized for how it hurt me.

I felt like everything was back to normal and I blindly trusted that he would keep his promise, so I did not even bother to check up on him. But a month later (about 1 month ago), I accidentally stumbled across even more porn. I confronted him again and I demanded that we get rid of the internet so I could be sure that he was done with it. He made up a ton of weak excuses as to why we couldn't get rid of the internet and wouldn't listen to me, so nothing was done.

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of our wedding. I was hoping that we could at least go out for a special celebratory dinner. But I came home from work to find that he went out golfing after work. And then, when he got home from golfing (at around 7:30-8:00 in the evening), he went straight upstairs to his office. He barely even stopped to say hi to me on the way. That was the entire extent of our interaction for that day. At no point did he tell me happy anniversary or even that he loved me. And then yesterday I discovered that he had been looking at porn that evening. (I have been checking his computer almost obsessively since the second confrontation. I've had a feeling that he was still doing it but had just gotten better at hiding it.)

This time hurt a million times worse than it ever has before, it being our 6 month anniversary combined with the fact that it is after 2 confrontations. I spent the rest of yesterday evening in bed crying and trying to figure out where to go from here. I love him so dearly, which is why this hurts me so much. I want to hate him because it wouldn't hurt so much if I hated him, but I love him. I don't know what to do anymore. The stress has literally started to make me sick, as in physically ill. Talking to him about it doesn't seem to do anything but make him hide it and lie about it even more. Divorce keeps ringing through my head, but I really want to make it work.

Any advice?

Last edited by srhyemri; 9th July 2007 at 06:03 PM.
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Old 9th July 2007, 10:12 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Hi Srhyemri, I answered you post on the marriage help and found it was on here as well. I'll try to cut and pace. There we go:

I feel for you Srhyemri. It is an awful thing to discover early on in marriage.

Your husband obviously has a problem with it to the point of it being a stronghold in his life. I always say it is mental adultery. We don't know how long this has been going on and what we are up against. I suspect it was happening before you were married.

I can understand him not wanting to give up the internet at it is a useful tool and can be used for good as well as evil. Well done for confronting him. That's what I would have recommended. You need to keep it up, not in a militant way necessarily. It can be done gently. It will be affecting your intimacy as you have probably found out.

A book I think might be helpful is "Sex God's Truth" by Jill Southern. It goes right to the heart and calls it what it is. At least keep it in the house. There's always a chance he may read it.

It may well be that the habit has got him and that he wants to be free. I would seek help from your church in this. If they can't help, I can recommend people who can although it may mean a residential weekend away. This is assuming he wants to be free. It will be a battle for him, but it will be well worth it, for him and for you. If he is willing to fight he can win it, even if it's bit by bit. God always gives us the victory in Christ.

Obviously you are praying and I would encourage you to keep it up. A conviction will come upon him as you pray if he keeps a relationship with God as you say.

I know that this is not a comprehensive answer but it may be a start. Try and read up on it yourself from a christian perspective so that you know what you are up against and gain insight that may help in how you handle it. I wouldn't think divorce so early on. If he is a christian there is a lot of hope.

Raymond
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Old 10th July 2007, 08:54 PM   #3
srhyemri
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Copied and pasted from my other post:
--
Thanks Raymond. I've read some of your other posts and you really seem to know what you are talking about.

It is awful to discover his habit when we are just starting out. But it is a blessing too, because (hopefully) we can get rid of the habit early on as well. I rather have it this way then not find out until several years from now that it has been going on all along.

I've always thought of pornography as mental adultery (or fornication for the unmarried folks) as well. I don't understand how so many people can say that it isn't a big deal...

I'm pretty sure that he had this habit before we got married, since he seems so addicted already. I doubt that he could become this attached to it tin only 6 months. (And I certainly hope that he had this addiction before we got married, and not that I drove him to it somehow.)

I also understand why he wouldn't want to give up the internet. But I just don't know how else I can trust him anymore. I can't exactly set up secret cameras all over the house. It has gotten to the point where I don't feel like I can trust his word when it comes to this habit. He could tell me that he hasn't been into the porn again, but he could easily be lying. I just feel like I need some way to know for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is done with it.

Confronting him was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I've never been good with conflict/confrontation to begin with, and this is such a sensitive issue. I'm still amazed that I had the strength to do it twice already! And I pray that I have the strength to do it again. (And, hopefully, I will never have to do it again after this time.)
Before I confronted him, I made sure that I knew exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. I wrote it out and memorized it so that I could be sure that I spoke in the least offending and most gentle and loving way possible. I knew that I would probably say something that I would regret later on if I didn't prepare in advance.

Unfortunately, I have noticed how much it has effected our intimacy. He seems more distant and closed off. And, on my end, I have trouble enjoying sex with him anymore. I am always afraid that he is imagining one of THEM instead of being there with me. And it has crushed my self-esteem and made me afraid that he is judging my appearance and comparing me to THEM.

I will get that book and see if I can get him to read it. Hopefully he will. And I will read it too, so I can better understand what he is going trough.

I know that he would never agree to go to the church for help. The pastor is related to me and the church marriage counselor is a close friend. There's really no one at church that he would be willing to admit this to.
I have thought about looking into professional Christian counseling. I know it would be expensive, but I think it would probably be worth it. And I think he would be more likely to talk to a stranger about this than he would be to talk to someone he knew.

I was reading the articles on www.pureintimacy.org (by Focus on the Family) and it has been really helpful. And I think I will call them to find a counselor near us.

While I was searching for Christian views on this, I was repulsed by how many people, even Christans, said that you should just embrace it and view pornography with your spouse to make you closer. That would only make things worse, not better! I don't know what these people were thinking...

I hope to talk to him about all of this tonight. Pray that it turns out well!

Last edited by srhyemri; 11th July 2007 at 05:38 PM.
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Old 11th July 2007, 08:21 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Hi SY read your post. You really seem to have your head screwed on and seem like a woman of wisdom who doesn't act rashly. Your husband has a problem and the answer will start when he sees this as a problem. Hopefully he has already. If I had the problem I don't think I would go to the church either where you are known. Some people are able to do that others will when they become desperate.

I hope you are able to find a counselor in your area and if hubby is willing to go with you that would be great. I don't know if you are in U.K. but if you were, there are places you can go for residential weekends where they can teach on this kind of problem and also counsel and minister healing if needed. Let me know if you need addresses etc. This thing can be dealt with but it will take determination by your husband to be free. He will need to cut off the things which trigger it, things where a stronghold has been built up because of habit. Our computer is in the living room which makes it more open and healthy I feel. These things are usually indulged in alone as there is shame attached to it.

Try not to let it affect you self esteem HS. You have done nothing wrong. There is a power in this stuff that seeks to rob, undermine and pervert the normal healthy sex drive and you know where that comes from. We are under a flood of it in these days so something is going on in the spiritual realm, but we musn't let ourselves come under it as one of it's intentions is to destroy the most intimate parts of our marriages.

All I can do is to encourage you in what you are doing. As you pray God will be convicting him. I will show my wife this thread so that we can pray for you together. I think your building up a christian knowledge of it will be very useful.

God bless for now. Let me know how you are getting on.

Raymond
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Old 9th August 2007, 11:12 AM   #5
danielx
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by srhyemri View Post
Copied and pasted from my other post:
--
Unfortunately, I have noticed how much it has effected our intimacy. He seems more distant and closed off. And, on my end, I have trouble enjoying sex with him anymore. I am always afraid that he is imagining one of THEM instead of being there with me. And it has crushed my self-esteem and made me afraid that he is judging my appearance and comparing me to THEM.
That seems to me to be the important paragraph. He probably wants to talk to you but cannot. I doubt that he is judging you or comparing you, but you should confide these fears to him. If he can understand your motivations and you can share these with him, then he will share his with you and you can become closer.

As I read it: he is rejecting you, because you are rejecting him, because you believe that he is rejecting you. That is a negative cycle that can only act destructively, and that is what you must break. The porn is secondary - more of a catalyst than a real cause. It is what happens between the two of you that really matters here.

DX
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Old 15th October 2007, 07:35 PM   #6
Bunnikins
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Smile Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by srhyemri View Post
Copied and pasted from my other post:
--

It is awful to discover his habit when we are just starting out. ...
I'm pretty sure that he had this habit before we got married, since he seems so addicted already. ... Unfortunately, I have noticed how much it has effected our intimacy. He seems more distant and closed off. And, on my end, I have trouble enjoying sex with him anymore. I am always afraid that he is imagining one of THEM instead of being there with me. And it has crushed my self-esteem and made me afraid that he is judging my appearance and comparing me to THEM.
Hi
I'm new to this forum and came wanting to start a thread of my own on a very similar subject, but I read yours and wanted to sympathise and support you in this.

Firstly, I KNOW how much this hurts and the feelings you are having, and I can hear your cry, believe me. And so early on, too - you feel like, if you are "not enough" this early on, what will happen in years to come, right?

And also that you feel differently during sex, as if you are being compared to others who are impossibly beautiful and sexy!

Along with all the advice offered by others (prayer is really the key) I'd like to offer my own journey into and along this road which is by no means at an end yet.

Pornography of any kind IS a "big deal" and it DOES affect your relationship, especially trust issues, BUT... at the same time, without excusing it, I know that it's much more common amongst men that we like to admit and doesn't have the same meaning to them as it does to us. Judging by my husband's comments, it's in a different mental and emotional space than his love and desire for me, so at least don't doubt his love for you - that way you can go on loving him and praying for him and not get SO angry that you cut off as well. The devil is trying to make your relationship divide, and to cut you off from one another, so be wary of that.

Are there sexual issues between you and your husband that you can talk through - perhaps he feels inadequate, pressured to "perform" in some way, that he won't be good enough for you, or that you love him in a "pure" way that he thinks can't be arousing - I'm only stabbing in the dark here, but it's worth trying to open a discussion about whether there's any fears lurking in his mind that make porn the safest option for him. How can you take the arousal aspects into your bed and home, without it becoming pure lust?

Also, know that God is practical! God will bring these things to the fulness so that they can be exposed for what they are. What is "acceptable" at the moment can become a cause for disgust if God steps in. I prayed that my husband would be given a sense of disgust, and also that he would be led to "go too far" so that his own sense of danger kicked in and warned him.

Another thing I prayed was that I would find out about it, so that I could confront him with something so unacceptable that he and I would be in agreement, instead of arguing from different sides.

All this God did. The result was a big row, but afterwards he was so shocked by himself, that - of his own will - he decided to pull back, and he repented of it.

Remember that we are not warring against flesh and blood, so go to God about the spirits of uncleanness that are affecting your husband, and see him as a victim of their influences.

I hope things work out for you!
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Old 16th October 2007, 03:19 PM   #7
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

My husband had quite a large porn collection and I was aware that he watched pornography when we married. I should have never allowed it to enter our home but I did. The holy spirit started to convict me of things that I needed to clean out my house. I started to pray and warfare and began to throw the dvds away. My husband noticed that I had thrown some away and he was very irrate, I continued to pray and decided that if I was in warfare I needed to take the authority given to me by Christ and just clean house completely. I continued to pray and while my husband was working on his car in the garage I took the trash out two large trash bags full of porn, i took them out on the night before the trash went out. When he came in from working on the car he was tired so he showered, ate dinner and went straight to bed and never noticed. It took a few days and when he realized he was very upset. I told him I had been praying and it was not right for him to be viewing porn and lusting after other women. I also told him that I knew it was against Gods will and he could not bring anymore of the porn into our home. He was upset but has respected my wishes. Our physical relationship improved as a result. I know this method may not work for everyone,but with my husband I kept telling him I didn't want it in the house anymore and he would just ignore me so I had no choice but to warfare and clean house.
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Old 24th October 2007, 08:45 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Two very positive posts here. We are not wrestling against flesh and blood as was said. Well done ladies for taking a lead.

I related to the part where it was said that a husband could find the sex too pure to be stimulating. I use to feel that but I found that to be a lie. As you learn each others sexual characteristics things can really buzz and it's the best defence against porn or anything untoward. God allows you to be yourself and everyone is different.

Raymond
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Old 25th October 2007, 08:21 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Another thing Bunnikins and Jnice I commend you both for confronting this thing. It's a fine line from submitting to husbands and confronting evil. You are both doing the right thing.

Raymond
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Old 29th October 2007, 04:02 PM   #10
srhyemri
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Sorry that I disappeared after my last post.

The last confrontation didn't go so well. He won't talk about it and he doesn't seem to care that it is killing me. And he seems to be growing more and more distant from the church and from me. And now he has been spending 90% of his time hiding in his office (away from me) with the door closed. And I have continued to find porn on his computer.

Unlike the dvds and magazines that Jnice123 mentioned, you can't just throw out the internet porn. It is constantly there and readily accessible... unfortunately.

I just don't know what to do anymore... Nothing I do seems to work and I am completely out of ideas. I have been so depressed and miserable, and VERY angry at times. I am starting to give up hope and I'm starting to think that I made a big mistake when I married him... I THOUGHT that I knew him, but I didn't know this. And I don't know that I have the strength to continue on like this forever. I wish that I could somehow force him to stop, but I can't. Prayer is the only thing that I have left, and I feel like my prayers are going unanswered...

I feel like our marriage is quickly falling apart and I feel so helpless to stop it.

(And, Raymond, I don't live in the UK. I live in the US.)

Last edited by srhyemri; 29th October 2007 at 04:08 PM.
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Old 31st October 2007, 09:23 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

This is becoming a spiritual battle Srhyemri to do with his relationship with God. God is on your side in this. It is a mental adultery but it seems that his relatonship with God is also suffering. Without that it is difficult for God to work in his life and convict him of the habit. The first battle plan is his relationship with God if he has that the other can be dealt with. As you pray God with be dealing with him, even if he has to hit a brick wall. If he belongs to God you can be assured that God will deal with him, so you can hand it over to Him and be the best you can be in the situation.

Keep your self esteem intact. This is not your fault. Don't take it personally. He is being tempted and is falling for it it seems. Share it with close friends so that they can pray as well. Ultimately it is your husband's choice but your prayers will give him the opportunity to turn back to the way. Don't forget to confront him about the problem (this needn't be militant but it must be firm) as ity would not be right for you not to say anything against it.

Raymond
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Old 10th November 2007, 10:49 PM   #12
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Yes, God is on your side because Porn is evil and your husband must be a bad person.

These sorts of attitudes solve nothing.

DX
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Old 31st May 2008, 12:53 AM   #13
LoveinChrist
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

OK, hang on to your seat Srhyemri, 'cuz I'm gonna tell it like it is. At the end are some web sites that will help you. But first, about me.

I am a devoted Christian. I love the Lord and His Body the Church.

I am engaged to a lovely Christian girl.

I was, and still am, addicted to pornography.

Through God's help, the love and understanding of my finance, the support of others who wrestled with the same affliction, and my own willpower, I mastered that addiction.

Your husband can master his addiction. But before he can, you and he must understand that he is an addict. You and he must understand what that means, and what the implications are. You probably have an idea of what an addict is.

An addict is someone who does something compulsively, over and over again.

Addicts repeat the behavior even if there are negative consequences. They keep on even if they see it is damaging relationships with their friends and family, even if they damage themselves. The addiction overrides their reasoning capabilities (How many addicts “justify” their behavior? I know I did), their good intentions, even, in some cases, their self-preservation instinct. The implications for your husband, then, are that he will continue to view porn (That much seems abundantly clear already), and that he will be unable to stop on his own even if it means the ruin of his marriage. Telling him to get rid of the internet will do no good. Spying on him will do no good. Threatening to leave will do no good. It is important to point out that your husband probably loves you as much as you love him. But does love conquer all? Not quite. Marriages have, and probably always will be, destroyed by alcohol, drugs, gambling and compulsive cheating. In the 21st century, we have internet porn, and it too is destructive. But there is hope.


Your shared faith will help, but it is not enough, as you know by now. There is scientific knowledge. The science of addictive tendencies has been well studied. If you have not yet educated yourself on this topic, now is the time. It will help you deal with your husband and understand what has a hold on him. The internet is a tool. Use it. There are support groups; people who are struggling with and conquering the same addiction that afflicts your husband are reaching out. Find them online and in the phone book.

In time your husband will open up to you about his addiction. You can help him now by being understanding, and knowledge of addiction science will help you to understand. Condemning him to his face will NOT help; it will only cause him to withdraw from you, and from his faith, as well. I am blessed to have had a girlfriend and then a fiancé who was consciously aware that she was a messenger of God, sent for the express purpose of drawing me closer to the Lord by helping me to manage my addiction. Never for one minute think that your marriage is a mistake. You are where you are because God wants you there. Only at the end of all options, if your husband expressed and demonstrated a desire to continue to let his addiction control him, would I advise you to leave. It is not his choice now to be addicted (He obviously already is), but it is his choice to do or not to do something about it. This is VERY important and will be the beginning of your husband’s recovery. He must realize that he is addicted and WANT to change. Knowledge of his addiction and clear honest, open communication on your part will be critical. From what you wrote, it sounds like the communication between you and your husband is beginning to break down. In order to restore it may be necessary for you NOT to bring up the pornography issue for a while. His withdrawal from you indicates that he is probably embarrassed by the subject and feels humiliated that he cannot control himself. Once again, STOP SPYING ON HIM! Spying NEVER builds trust, and you need his trust in order to help him. He looks at porn regularly, you already know that. Going on his computer and checking and reaffirming to yourself that he does will only make you feel hurt, and if you feel hurt it will be hard for you to be strong when you speak to your husband. Notice I did not use the word “confront”. This is not about confrontations. It is about two people who love each other very much facing a complicated predicament that is hurtful and destructive to both.

I began using porn on the internet when I was a teenager, as a way of managing my sexual urges. I knew sex before marriage was wrong, and so was lusting after women. But since I couldn’t seem to stop lusting after the girls all around me, it seemed better to quiet my raging hormones by looking at girls I didn’t know and would never meet, than by thinking impure thoughts about girls I did know. I never really thought of it as a habit, more of a necessity. I felt bad about it, but I would ask God’s forgiveness and I felt absolved. When my girlfriend found out and I realized it was hurting her, I tried to quit. That’s when I realized I had a problem. I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t until later that I admitted to myself, my girlfriend, and to God that I was addicted. I couldn’t know if your husband and I had similar experiences, but one thing you must know is that your husband had most likely been using porn for awhile before you got married. He may have used it with the best intentions. You did not drive him to it. That being said, it really does not matter how or when he started. The most important thing is that he is an addict now, and the healing can only start when he wants it to. You can help him to want to.

Please visit the web sites below. They have much useful information regarding pornography addiction and treatment. No-porn.com in particular was a great blessing to me. God Bless.


http://www.no-porn.com/

http://health.discovery.com/centers/...addiction.html

http://www.truthminers.com/truth/hel...rn_addicts.htm
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Old 9th June 2008, 02:42 PM   #14
MissonWorker
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Hi! I guess I just wanted to ask you if your husband has low self esteem or low self image? A lot of Porn Addicts like to see the niceness of a fit body. If this is an area that he has issues with it may be one of the things that drive him to look at porn. He probably is sad inside when he looks at this stuff because he knows it's not right but yet he can't help but want to see more skin. Maybe even wishing he might look like that. If he could just realize that He is wonderful just the way he is and that he was not intended to please the whole world with his looks. I know this is pretty foward but I know of a person who dealt with this and they discovered that they were okay with the body the Lord gave them and started to ask God to really set them free. God came through for that person and that is due to that person wanting to be free from that addiction.

Please try to understand that I am not siding with your husband but I don't think you need to worry about being compared. It maybe he is imaging himself with a great body and what not. This can be dealt with but in Love. Ask God for wisdom everyday and plead the Blood on your home and on your spirit. Plead it on your husbands mind and thoughts. There is power in the Blood and in the Name of Jesus! God Bless!

Last edited by MissonWorker; 9th June 2008 at 02:44 PM. Reason: misspelled word
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Old 4th August 2008, 08:39 PM   #15
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Re: HELP! - Pornography in Marriage

Help! I'm totally addicted and I hate myself so much I want to die an get released. I'm a christian and a disgrace to what God has done for me so often, first in saving me from a life of crime and addictions not just to porn but also to evil thoughts and stealing, stuff that happened early in my life and pointed me to this direction, was that blame ? or is it just me that is evil? I dont know but I have a lovely wife who has stood by me in all my non christian ways, I drink to such an excess simply to get blitzed, I have a business but still am not gratefull, I hurt myself and hide it from people, they abused me when I was young. Please pray that I will stop
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