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Old 10th May 2015, 09:37 PM   #1
Ihavehope
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Join Date: May 2015
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I had a child out of my marriage.

After going into a treatment centre for my sex and love addiction the need for me to be unfaithful as been removed for today.
One of the things that I wished I shared with my wife was that a child had been produce throughout my addiction. I have tried several times to stay away from the woman and child who is now 7, but was left with fear after threats that she would tell my wife. I found it easier to be friendly with her than to talk abot the child.
I kept my boundaries and believed I would eventually share this with my wife. However the last 5/6 months the messages became inappropriate and my wife eventually found out as she could sense that something was different about me.

I want to support my wife and be available for my 5 children who do not know about the child. The two elder ones know that I have been sending inappropriate messages.
I believe that now I should be showing my commitment to my family, and have explained to the other woman that I can not be there for the child..

I have read some threads here previously and would like any suggestions bout the process such as mediation etc.

I pray to a god of my understanding daily.
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Old 10th May 2015, 10:21 PM   #2
notDoneYet
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: I had a child out of my marriage.

Hi ihavehope. I'm no expert, but this sounds like a mess. Only thing I can say is that if you come out of this with any of those women you dodged a bullet. Your child to the OW deserves better. You cannot just abandon the child. It's not their fault and is the produce of your loins. Man up.

Why are you asking about mediation? Are you hoping your wife will forgive you? If so, that's a tough challenge for anyone. She gave you 5 children. They all deserve better.

So now you have six kids and two scorned women to think about. The kids come first. Every time. Good luck.
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Old 10th May 2015, 10:56 PM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: I had a child out of my marriage.

Does you wife know about all the affairs?Have you told her everything now?
What does she want you to do about the child?
Is she still with with you and is she intending to stay with you??

As for the other child, you are half responsible for that child, and you should be the best dad you can to him as to all of your children. You can surely see the poor kid, have him some weekends, and make sure that you pay maintenance towards his upkeep. Its all part of the consequences of what you did, and its not his fault. How must he feel that his dad doesnt want to see him??Poor little thing. He is as much your child as the other 5, and needs you there for him on a regular basis. All of the children need to know they have a sibling/siblings and you need to tell them all about what you did. You dont need much contact with the mother, you can have him at you house or take him out.

No its not easy, but thats why we are told to be faithful, because the consequences are messy.
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Old 12th May 2015, 03:36 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: I had a child out of my marriage.

Honesty is needed in the end. You owe that to your wife and within that you cannot just abandon the child. I don't think you can live a lie and be manipulated by the other woman and receive God's help as well. A certain amount of repentance is needed which also means putting things right all round. Getting God's help starts with asking Christ in and laying your sin before Him. He will forgive because He has already paid the price but we need to be honest and open as to the position we are in. The help is very powerful when we really mean busines with Him.

Confessing to your wife will release you from any blackmail also. Once things are in the open you can re-build. I would say the way up is the way down at this stage. Tell your wife about the sex addiction which is just lust really, wanting what is not yours outside of your marriage. You have allowed that side of you to be fed which has led to this. Being honest with her will bring it out in the open and help break it's power. These things thrive on secrecy and also she will be able to support you in any battle you may have in it.
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