Don't know how to get through....

[defeated]

Originally Posted by chosen

Living with a very moody inconsistent person is very hard. Been there done that worn the T shirt.

It's frying my head. I never know where i am and what sort of mood he's going to be in - i'm constantly walking on egg-shells and never know what's going to make him blow up. It's horrible. He can buy me all the lavish gifts he want, which i know i'm very lucky about, but if they are somehow making him feel better about just being so angry all the time then i'd rather not have them. I just want to feel at ease and laugh and be happy. It's so awful feeling as though i'm an irritant and just an annoyance to him more times than not, and i feel like a bit of a mug, as when he's being friendly and throws me a bone, i lap it up and i'm always there to be his friend.... .it could get to the point where i start really disliking him... which is a scary thought.... at the moment i'm desperate for things to be nice, which is torture when i don't understand why they're not... but i'm scared it'll get to the point where i don't want him or his mental moods and angriness.
what did you do chosen? was it the same situation?

Sambrooklands - honestly, we shared a bottle of wine with our meal and that was it. so two large glasses each and that was it.

NDY - honestly, if i knew that i was doing something different i would change it and when i ask him what i do that's annoying him he can't give me an answer. when i've pushed and pushed in counselling he has said that i'm too critical... which i don't get, as he takes me saying he needs to relax about work colleagues who are annoying him, or how he's got cross when i can't concentrate on what he's saying as i'm wiping a child's bum or feeding them supper. as a critisism

Once again we're back to avoiding one another today.

[Lindentree1]

I would keep going to counseling. I would not engage with him when he is grumpy. Let him learn he cannot get you angry. Engage with him when he is in a good mood. Fighting with him is just draining you.

[notDoneYet]

Hi defeated. I'm hoping this works out for you. In your response to me I immediatly see two 180's right away. First, if the pushing and pushing for answers isn't getting you anywhere (it hasn't so far, right?) then don't. Stop pushing. Second, if he says he needs to relax then let him get on with it. Don't let it bother you. Make plans of your own. Don't keep asking him to pay attention to you. Give it a try. What else do you have to lose? He may just take notice.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hi defeated. I'm hoping this works out for you. In your response to me I immediatly see two 180's right away. First, if the pushing and pushing for answers isn't getting you anywhere (it hasn't so far, right?) then don't. Stop pushing. Second, if he says he needs to relax then let him get on with it. Don't let it bother you. Make plans of your own. Don't keep asking him to pay attention to you. Give it a try. What else do you have to lose? He may just take notice.

^^^^^^this

[defeated]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hi defeated. I'm hoping this works out for you. In your response to me I immediatly see two 180's right away. First, if the pushing and pushing for answers isn't getting you anywhere (it hasn't so far, right?) then don't. Stop pushing. Second, if he says he needs to relax then let him get on with it. Don't let it bother you. Make plans of your own. Don't keep asking him to pay attention to you. Give it a try. What else do you have to lose? He may just take notice.

thanks, good advice and i know you're right... it's easier said than done though. if i make plans without him then he gets really grumpy too and acts like a total arse... and it's hard to keep a happy relationship when i'm planning to do my own things.

you're right though, i need to distance myself.... it's just really hard, being in a new place and not having good friends around and feeling lonely as i'm mainly on my own with four small children and then when he comes back from his work trips he is just so hostile..... but then as i said, was crying in the counselling saying he wants it to work... which gave me hope.

thank you for your advice though, to both you and LDT.

i'm just so confused, low and drained and can't sleep at night as i just can't work out what's going on and why this is happening and spend my sleepless nights looking up types of depression, which is pointless as he is determined it's not him....

urgh, i'm even boring myself.... thanks though for your advice, i will certainly try to mentally distance myself, but that just seems so wrong when you're meant to be united and best friends.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by defeated

thanks, good advice and i know you're right... it's easier said than done though. if i make plans without him then he gets really grumpy too and acts like a total arse... and it's hard to keep a happy relationship when i'm planning to do my own things.

you're right though, i need to distance myself.... it's just really hard, being in a new place and not having good friends around and feeling lonely as i'm mainly on my own with four small children and then when he comes back from his work trips he is just so hostile..... but then as i said, was crying in the counselling saying he wants it to work... which gave me hope.

thank you for your advice though, to both you and LDT.

i'm just so confused, low and drained and can't sleep at night as i just can't work out what's going on and why this is happening and spend my sleepless nights looking up types of depression, which is pointless as he is determined it's not him....

urgh, i'm even boring myself.... thanks though for your advice, i will certainly try to mentally distance myself, but that just seems so wrong when you're meant to be united and best friends.

two points highlighted above.
1. No. Your relationship can be happy DESPITE you planning your own things. In fact, you may find your relationship starts to flourish. Why? If you are happy then so will your husband. He's recoiling. Give both of you and him the opportunity to enjoy life for a bit.
2. But right now you aren't best friends or United, are you? So try something different.

[defeated]

I appreciate what you're saying and definitely value it... but just want to clarify, i am very independent...i have my own interests and meet lots of people/friends alone... i go to the gym and don't rely on him for my entertainment, but do expect to be friends and friendly to one another when we're at home, as there's no reason not to be.
most friends are in happy relationships and tend to spend their evenings/weekends doing things together as a couple, together or in groups.
recently, when i've been out on 'girls' nights for a meal... his anger seemed even more than normal - as i did think before that perhaps if i was having fun without him and arranging my own things that he might be happy.
honestly, he seems so hostile when i'm there, but cross if i'm using the phone and spending evenings chatting to other people. i really do feel as though i can't win and just don't understand it.
saying all that though... i think LDT's suggestion that i try not to rise to his hostility and grumpiness and not let him know i'm upset about it is a good thing, and in theory, yours is a good one, so i'll give it another try... when i've got the energy to actually arrange things (as i said i've been living where i am a year and still trying to establish friendships and break in to already established groups of friends)... anyway, you're right... we're certainly not united at the moment, so i've got nothing to lose.... it would just be so lovely for us to plan to do fun stuff together and not have the hostility for no reason.
thanks though - i really appreciate the thought.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by defeated

I appreciate what you're saying and definitely value it... but just want to clarify, i am very independent...i have my own interests and meet lots of people/friends alone... i go to the gym and don't rely on him for my entertainment, but do expect to be friends and friendly to one another when we're at home, as there's no reason not to be.
most friends are in happy relationships and tend to spend their evenings/weekends doing things together as a couple, together or in groups.
recently, when i've been out on 'girls' nights for a meal... his anger seemed even more than normal - as i did think before that perhaps if i was having fun without him and arranging my own things that he might be happy.
honestly, he seems so hostile when i'm there, but cross if i'm using the phone and spending evenings chatting to other people. i really do feel as though i can't win and just don't understand it.
saying all that though... i think LDT's suggestion that i try not to rise to his hostility and grumpiness and not let him know i'm upset about it is a good thing, and in theory, yours is a good one, so i'll give it another try... when i've got the energy to actually arrange things (as i said i've been living where i am a year and still trying to establish friendships and break in to already established groups of friends)... anyway, you're right... we're certainly not united at the moment, so i've got nothing to lose.... it would just be so lovely for us to plan to do fun stuff together and not have the hostility for no reason.
thanks though - i really appreciate the thought.

I've highlighted this bit for a reason. My W and I too used to be like that, but no more.The irony is that the things she is seeking out aren't my responsibility. In fact, if she had started out sooner trying to do things differently our situation would be soooo different from what it is now. But, what ever you are doing now that isn't working stop doing it and try something different. In fact, I think I will start a thread on that so we can all bounce ideas off each other.

[defeated]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

I've highlighted this bit for a reason. My W and I too used to be like that, but no more.The irony is that the things she is seeking out aren't my responsibility. In fact, if she had started out sooner trying to do things differently our situation would be soooo different from what it is now. But, what ever you are doing now that isn't working stop doing it and try something different. In fact, I think I will start a thread on that so we can all bounce ideas off each other.

That is so interesting....I've never thought about it in that way.... Can you expand on that.. Why exactly do you think you parted.
Honestly, I am genuinely interested in your perspective. You obviously found her irritating & demanding in some way to say 'if she had started out sooner to do things differently'...
What did she do/not do? Did you feel suffocated & angry & frustrated? I feel as though that's what my husband feels about me, but in my mind I just want to laugh & share & feel cared for????!!!
Honestly, please expand.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by defeated

It's frying my head. I never know where i am and what sort of mood he's going to be in - i'm constantly walking on egg-shells and never know what's going to make him blow up. It's horrible. He can buy me all the lavish gifts he want, which i know i'm very lucky about, but if they are somehow making him feel better about just being so angry all the time then i'd rather not have them. I just want to feel at ease and laugh and be happy. It's so awful feeling as though i'm an irritant and just an annoyance to him more times than not, and i feel like a bit of a mug, as when he's being friendly and throws me a bone, i lap it up and i'm always there to be his friend.... .it could get to the point where i start really disliking him... which is a scary thought.... at the moment i'm desperate for things to be nice, which is torture when i don't understand why they're not... but i'm scared it'll get to the point where i don't want him or his mental moods and angriness.
what did you do chosen? was it the same situation?

Sambrooklands - honestly, we shared a bottle of wine with our meal and that was it. so two large glasses each and that was it.

NDY - honestly, if i knew that i was doing something different i would change it and when i ask him what i do that's annoying him he can't give me an answer. when i've pushed and pushed in counselling he has said that i'm too critical... which i don't get, as he takes me saying he needs to relax about work colleagues who are annoying him, or how he's got cross when i can't concentrate on what he's saying as i'm wiping a child's bum or feeding them supper. as a critisism

Once again we're back to avoiding one another today.

Well both my father and ex husband were quite angry and moody people, but in different ways. My dad went silent and didnt talk to anyone for ages if he was angry, and the atmosphere was horrible, and my ex would blow up and get really angry and then expect everything to be ok short time later as if nothing had happened. No apologies, nothing. He was also very inconsistent with how he may react to things, so me and the children never knew where we were, and they got to the point of asking me to ask him things because they were afraid of how he may react. Of course anger is a VERY manipulative tool, as it keeps everyone in fear of what may happen next and so they have to creep round that person to avoid their anger.

I dont think I realised how bad my ex was till I met my now husband who is the complete opposite, patient, laid back, very easy going and easy to please. He never ever gets angry. I could never go back to that again. I would far rather be alone.

[defeated]

Originally Posted by chosen

Well both my father and ex husband were quite angry and moody people, but in different ways. My dad went silent and didnt talk to anyone for ages if he was angry, and the atmosphere was horrible, and my ex would blow up and get really angry and then expect everything to be ok short time later as if nothing had happened. No apologies, nothing. He was also very inconsistent with how he may react to things, so me and the children never knew where we were, and they got to the point of asking me to ask him things because they were afraid of how he may react. Of course anger is a VERY manipulative tool, as it keeps everyone in fear of what may happen next and so they have to creep round that person to avoid their anger.

I dont think I realised how bad my ex was till I met my now husband who is the complete opposite, patient, laid back, very easy going and easy to please. He never ever gets angry. I could never go back to that again. I would far rather be alone.

I'm starting to feel like that. I'm scared my life might be really sad & unhappy through no fault of my own & I'll spend an eternity waiting for him to change and the lightbulb to switch on about the fact if he behaves like this I'll have no choice but to break our family up. It's torturous.

How did it end with you? I thought your message was to save your marriage no matter what? I'm so so happy you have found someone that slots you like a jigsaw. That's what I still hope for. It's great to hear.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by defeated

I'm starting to feel like that. I'm scared my life might be really sad & unhappy through no fault of my own & I'll spend an eternity waiting for him to change and the lightbulb to switch on about the fact if he behaves like this I'll have no choice but to break our family up. It's torturous.

How did it end with you? I thought your message was to save your marriage no matter what? I'm so so happy you have found someone that slots you like a jigsaw. That's what I still hope for. It's great to hear.

Yes I do believe that marriage should be for life if at all possible, and if there are children even more so, but if the other spouses mental health is really suffering, or if the children are really suffering, then not sure what can be done. MY marriage of 23 years didnt end because of the anger, but due to some terrible things that I found out about him one day, that meant I had to immediately separate and later divorce. If it hadnt been for that I expect we would still be married.
I was on my own after than for 6 years with 2 teenagers and one young adult and believe me its was a horrible time, so ending a marriage is a last resort really. However at least we werent in fear of his temper and unreliable moods. MY son has described it as emotional abuse. I didnt see it as that at the time, but looking back I suppose it was. I think that you husband is worse in that way.

[defeated]

Originally Posted by chosen

Yes I do believe that marriage should be for life if at all possible, and if there are children even more so, but if the other spouses mental health is really suffering, or if the children are really suffering, then not sure what can be done. MY marriage of 23 years didnt end because of the anger, but due to some terrible things that I found out about him one day, that meant I had to immediately separate and later divorce. If it hadnt been for that I expect we would still be married.
I was on my own after than for 6 years with 2 teenagers and one young adult and believe me its was a horrible time, so ending a marriage is a last resort really. However at least we werent in fear of his temper and unreliable moods. MY son has described it as emotional abuse. I didnt see it as that at the time, but looking back I suppose it was. I think that you husband is worse in that way.

Thank you for your openness about this.
Do you have suggestions of what I should or shouldn't do?? I believe that marriage should be forever & meant every word of my vows,,,but didn't realise it could potentially be detrimental to me and my own mental state & the state of my children. I feel as though Im having to always be up & happy & super fun for them as I so want them tobe happy..l & I have to make up for his shouting at them a lot for just being children.
I know he loves me and the children which is why I'm so confused about it & what to do.
As much as I believe in marriage I also believe in making the most of every day & not spending your life unhappy because someone else is forcing you to feel small. Unloved and just being unkind, with flashes of lovely to keep you there. I really feel it's changing my personality.
Obviously ideally I want to be a happy family, but don't know how I can get through to him that he's impossible to live with and he needs to address it.
I will continue with counselling for now, but he's still adament he doesn't have a problem.
I would love to know your thoughts on my situation, having been in what sounds like a similar one? Maybe the nastiness that occurred was in fact a blessing as it forced you out of the situation? Or do you think you could ever have been happy?
NDY, I'm still interested in your perspective.... Do you feel relieved now to be parted from your wife because she was too suffocating???
My head is a mess.
Thank you for your support.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by defeated

That is so interesting....I've never thought about it in that way.... Can you expand on that.. Why exactly do you think you parted.
Honestly, I am genuinely interested in your perspective. You obviously found her irritating & demanding in some way to say 'if she had started out sooner to do things differently'...
What did she do/not do? Did you feel suffocated & angry & frustrated? I feel as though that's what my husband feels about me, but in my mind I just want to laugh & share & feel cared for????!!!
Honestly, please expand.

Morning. We parted because she wanted me out. Before we split she found life boring and mundane, which is why I'm saying about her doing things differently. You see, like you my wife is quite social and had a fairly busy social Callander but that wasn't enough. She wanted me to be exciting and spontaneous. I was in some ways but she never seen or recognised it. Honestly, if you could read a description from my wife about me you would think I was an alcoholic couch potateo. And that's what I mean about things being so different. If she wanted to take life by the horns, why break up the marriage to do so? I wasn't holding her back. I most likely would have wanted to join in. But alas, no. Dumped for OM.

[defeated]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Morning. We parted because she wanted me out. Before we split she found life boring and mundane, which is why I'm saying about her doing things differently. You see, like you my wife is quite social and had a fairly busy social Callander but that wasn't enough. She wanted me to be exciting and spontaneous. I was in some ways but she never seen or recognised it. Honestly, if you could read a description from my wife about me you would think I was an alcoholic couch potateo. And that's what I mean about things being so different. If she wanted to take life by the horns, why break up the marriage to do so? I wasn't holding her back. I most likely would have wanted to join in. But alas, no. Dumped for OM.

I'm sorry about how it's turned out for you, it sounds as though your wife was seeking more adventure and wasn't satisfied with her own planning and so wanted to be with someone that would compliment her social requirements.
I may be similar in the way that I do love to be around people, but I have never requested that from my husband. I would like him to have a bit of a social life for his own well being - i think it's important to have friends that you can chat to and work things out with and lean on as much as they lean on you and bounce things off so that you can put things in to perspective and perhaps take on another opinion... which is why this forum's really valuable. I don't want him to have friends for me, but for himself and i'm not expecting or asking him to provide me with social contacts or situations.
I am just asking for kindness and to not feel that i'm a really irritating annoyance all the time and to be relaxed and connected with one another. I want the anger to ease and to feel appreciated and loved.
I hate the fact i feel i'm walking on egg shells and don't know what i'm going to say that's going to cause a huge argument, even when i'm on his side throughout anything.
There is no other man that i have my eye on and wouldn't ever do that anyway.
I want to feel part of a team and a family unit and for us to both be in it together and to 'have one another's back's'. Whereas i feel as though his own and everyone else's needs come before mine and i'm at the bottom of the pile when it comes to kindness and affection.
He seems to have an angry disposition and i feel incredibly isolated and lonely. Even though i have friends (although very new and so not deep friendships) I would hope to have a deep bond with my husband..... when i lost my car keys at the supermarket a few months ago and knew he was at home, i chose to call a friend, who i've known for a few months to help me - to collect me from the supermarket and take me to collect my children from school, as i knew he would be so angry about me disturbing him, that i knew it was best i didn't.... that's not right.
I have travelled the world following his career and had children in a foreign country, with no family around. I've moved eight times in the past eight years because of his career and all with four children aged 7 and under.. and i've never complained, but always kept a smile on my face and tried to make sure he and they are happy... and i don't feel it's appreciated or cherished, but just met with anger and grumpiness and a black cloud over him, which, no matter how hard i try to be his friend he seems to be irritated by.
I don't feel i'm asking for too much to feel loved and appreciated.
I have no family around and i'm trying to settle and make friends and look after my young children and give them a life where they look back and think they had the most idyllic childhood and at the same time arguing most nights about things that i'm scratching my head about.....because i suggest he doesn't get so worked up about work people having affairs, or just not pulling their weight, which is out of his control?!!
If he could realise that his reactions are extreme... for himself, if nothing else, and calm down and do some exercise to let off steam and sort his anger out before he gives himself a heart attack... and be kind to me and realise that i'm not critical and love him with all of me, then that's all i ask for, therefore i don't see myself as being like your wife.