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Old 21st March 2015, 02:46 PM   #16
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
Don' t think, say, or do anything that is final at this stage - just accept that you are in the heat of the moment and that things will settle down and pass. So much of what you say mirrors my own situation, so hang in there and things will improve.
I would suggest staying with family for maybe a couple of weeks just to give a bit of breathing space to all concerned. This will help in a way that you will not be able to see at present. Make it clear to your husband that it is only temporary as it is with the sole aim of trying to improve things. Going to the councillor to discuss 'how to separate' I do not think is the best of ideas. Despite everything, do not forget that it is still early days in your crisis. Things are raw and hard at the moment, and discussing separation is not appropriate or healthy at this early stage. Keep talking to us, dont feel you are burden and I will keep checking throughout the day and evening to see you are ok. We are holding your hand here (in cyber terms...!). Be kind to yourself.
I agree with much of what sambrooklands is saying. You are in the height of your emotions right now. Making a major life decision at this point--are you certain? Perhaps a temporary separation so you can clear your head?

Only you truly know what you want. I just know from experience that once the talk of ending things is out there, it's very difficult (but not impossible) to fix things from that vantage point.

Whatever happens, we will be here supporting you.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 11:54 AM   #17
ralfgarnett
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
I agree with much of what sambrooklands is saying. You are in the height of your emotions right now. Making a major life decision at this point--are you certain? Perhaps a temporary separation so you can clear your head?

Only you truly know what you want. I just know from experience that once the talk of ending things is out there, it's very difficult (but not impossible) to fix things from that vantage point.

Whatever happens, we will be here supporting you.
I agree with Sam and LDT and I am also here for you if you need me.
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Old 22nd March 2015, 10:41 PM   #18
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Are you okay, defeated? How did the counseling session go?
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Old 23rd March 2015, 11:18 PM   #19
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
Don' t think, say, or do anything that is final at this stage - just accept that you are in the heat of the moment and that things will settle down and pass. So much of what you say mirrors my own situation, so hang in there and things will improve.
I would suggest staying with family for maybe a couple of weeks just to give a bit of breathing space to all concerned. This will help in a way that you will not be able to see at present. Make it clear to your husband that it is only temporary as it is with the sole aim of trying to improve things. Going to the councillor to discuss 'how to separate' I do not think is the best of ideas. Despite everything, do not forget that it is still early days in your crisis. Things are raw and hard at the moment, and discussing separation is not appropriate or healthy at this early stage. Keep talking to us, dont feel you are burden and I will keep checking throughout the day and evening to see you are ok. We are holding your hand here (in cyber terms...!). Be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for this message. If I had any energy, or tears left in me, that would have made me cry, as it was such a thoughtful, tender and caring message.

You have all been so kind, thank you.

In brief, as I'm too shattered for words, we went to see the counsellor who messed my head up a bit... I had come to terms with the prospect of us separating, just on a temporary basis and so wanted to discuss that.
We started off in that vain and somehow she talked us in to giving it more time. My husband was crying and saying that he feels his world is falling apart... and then it suddenly seemed all about me not being the one to reach out to him etc. It messed with my head completely - I'm still in a total mess. I am so hurt and deeply wounded by things that he's done and choices he's made and feel many of the instances have been really cruel, not necessarily intentionally, but the damage has been done and the amount i've given has brought me to this point where i don't feel i can carry on just taking the battering of being let down and made to feel worthless all the time... and so yes, i didn't reach out to him. Although I hated seeing him upset, I felt on self-preservation mode.

Anyway, as I say, somehow she talked us in to giving it more time and trying again. She did point out that having been through so much - moving countries, having lots of tiny children, moving house - 8 times in 8 years - and this is to different areas and not having support from anyone outside, we will have built up our own coping strategies which may not have been beneficial to us as a couple (i'm paraphrasing... at least that's sort of what i took from what she was saying). Anyway, i think that was what made me think that it might be worth giving it more time... although i'm utterly terrified that i'll remain feeling second best to what he wants and in a years time i'll be in absolutely the same, heartbreaking position.... who knows.... it's scary and i'm not sure i've got the energy to wait around to find out, but if there's a glimmer of hope it's certainly going to be worth it.

I thought that could also relate to you sambrooklands... you sound as though you've had, way, way too much to deal with and even though you've now got your wife's family's support, you haven't got any of your own support..... And btw, i think you've been out of your marital bed for way, way, way too long..... how will you have a full connection if you're living as flatmates... in my opinion you need to address it... as i intend to!!

Anyway, that's my update. My husband is once again away - back at the end of the week - but he did call tonight to speak to me, which is a major breakthrough!!

Thank you so much.

I'm here for all of you too and really hope you're all ok. I'm totally touched by all of your messages and will check in to see how you're all getting on, but for the moment I'm too shattered!!

(p.s - my closest family member is 2 hours drive away and so I can't just go to stay as I need to be here for children's schools, weekend clubs etc... )
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Old 24th March 2015, 09:52 AM   #20
Raymond
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I also agree with Sambrooklands and the others. There is some confusion here as he is crying as well. I think you need to fight for your marriage and particularly the communication between you.

You say that he said that he must keep his obligations. May I ask what obligations those are and why are they at the expense of your marriage?

I think you have to be careful that you don't go too far up one road through anger or whatever and cannot get back easily.
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Old 24th March 2015, 02:42 PM   #21
defeated
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Question Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I also agree with Sambrooklands and the others. There is some confusion here as he is crying as well. I think you need to fight for your marriage and particularly the communication between you.

You say that he said that he must keep his obligations. May I ask what obligations those are and why are they at the expense of your marriage?

I think you have to be careful that you don't go too far up one road through anger or whatever and cannot get back easily.
The obligations he's referring to are things like him going out for drinks when our twin boys came home from the hospital, because it had been pre-organised. (this was with good friends who wouldn't have thought twice about him postponing it).

Or, when he organised a Sunday lunch at our house because his work people wanted to see our house. He had already been made redundant and these were never people we sociallised with and our children were banished to another room as none others had children and so it was just for adults. I had said that I didn't understand why if they were friends we couldn't meet them out for dinner and why we had to host it and shove our children in front of the tv for the afternoon. He said he was obliged to do it because they wanted to see our new house.
I was against it as I didn't want my children to be shunted to another room for a bunch of people who just wanted to nose at our house and aren't even friends.
He went ahead and arranged it anyway.
Needless to say we've never seen or heard from any of them again.

I am giving it more time... but i feel he needs really deep help with empathy as he has none. He can never ever see my point of view or understand where I'm coming and has so much anger about things that are none of his concern.

He refuses to see that he needs help and so I'm scared that I'll be in the same position in a few months time.

His crying is because he loves me and loves his children, but has an inability to put anyone before his own feelings or empathise at all and so it's like living with an island (an angry one) who just wants to do his own thing no matter how hurtful that is, even when I try to calmly tell him. He takes everything as an attack.

He's being nice at the moment, but because i said i'd had enough. This has happened before and then the old selfish him soon creeps back in and slowly but surely I'm getting more and more upset and there's a bigger distance between us and growing anger in him.

I think he's been depressed for so long that it feels normal to him and so he's adament that there's nothing wrong and he refuses to even see getting help for it as an option. He refuses to see that his father dying could have any impact on him. Even though he can see his marriage is rapidly deteriorating he is determined that it's a combination of us and not him having any issues.

He had an extremely traumatic experience growing up and also went to boarding school when he was 6 and has a very unemotional/unaffectionate family.

I don't know how to get through to him and feel scared saying that i'll try again when he refuses to face up to buried issues which i'm sure are effecting him/us and making him intolerable to live with.
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Old 24th March 2015, 04:23 PM   #22
Lindentree1
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I hope you will continue to get counseling as a couple. Can you go to counseling on your own, as well? You have some understandable anger at him that you need to work through. Otherwise this will always come up. Plus, if you keep going to couples counseling, perhaps your husband will hopefully have a breakthrough.

I know you are frightened to be hurt (emotionally) again. There are many past instances of being hurt, and you are doubtful there can be change.

But you did say something earlier to the effect of if there was a glimmer of hope you would try. I agree with you. I think you need to know that you did everything to save your marriage.

If there's still love there, I think it's worth it to see if you can save what you have.

Of course, I am coming from my own experience of wishing I could have saved my marriage. So my advice is a bit influenced from my past.

I still think this is worth a try. Easy? Absolutely not. But knowing you did everything you could? Worth it, I think.
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Old 24th March 2015, 05:29 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
The obligations he's referring to are things like him going out for drinks when our twin boys came home from the hospital, because it had been pre-organised. (this was with good friends who wouldn't have thought twice about him postponing it).

Or, when he organised a Sunday lunch at our house because his work people wanted to see our house. He had already been made redundant and these were never people we sociallised with and our children were banished to another room as none others had children and so it was just for adults. I had said that I didn't understand why if they were friends we couldn't meet them out for dinner and why we had to host it and shove our children in front of the tv for the afternoon. He said he was obliged to do it because they wanted to see our new house.
I was against it as I didn't want my children to be shunted to another room for a bunch of people who just wanted to nose at our house and aren't even friends.
He went ahead and arranged it anyway.
Needless to say we've never seen or heard from any of them again.

I am giving it more time... but i feel he needs really deep help with empathy as he has none. He can never ever see my point of view or understand where I'm coming and has so much anger about things that are none of his concern.

He refuses to see that he needs help and so I'm scared that I'll be in the same position in a few months time.

His crying is because he loves me and loves his children, but has an inability to put anyone before his own feelings or empathise at all and so it's like living with an island (an angry one) who just wants to do his own thing no matter how hurtful that is, even when I try to calmly tell him. He takes everything as an attack.

He's being nice at the moment, but because i said i'd had enough. This has happened before and then the old selfish him soon creeps back in and slowly but surely I'm getting more and more upset and there's a bigger distance between us and growing anger in him.

I think he's been depressed for so long that it feels normal to him and so he's adament that there's nothing wrong and he refuses to even see getting help for it as an option. He refuses to see that his father dying could have any impact on him. Even though he can see his marriage is rapidly deteriorating he is determined that it's a combination of us and not him having any issues.

He had an extremely traumatic experience growing up and also went to boarding school when he was 6 and has a very unemotional/unaffectionate family.

I don't know how to get through to him and feel scared saying that i'll try again when he refuses to face up to buried issues which i'm sure are effecting him/us and making him intolerable to live with.
Hmm. His social contacts seem important to him. Perhaps he needs their affirmation or maybe he is just a people pleaser for the same reason? I don't see it as a reason for divorce though. He may well be weak on empathy as I was also being brought up as an orphan. It can be learned. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, although there are obviously problems that he needs to work through as we all do.

What he should do in your eyes and what he does are two different things. Do you think you may be working out what he should be and where he is falling short, perhaps judging him? There is a place for acceptance of the other regardless if they are honestly trying to work out things in their way. We all need that. He will need your help in this. Just a thought.

Last edited by Raymond; 25th March 2015 at 01:02 PM.
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Old 24th March 2015, 10:26 PM   #24
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

He sounds so much like me, before I admitted help was needed. Social anxiety is possibly an issue here. Like myself, I am sure he has been successful professionally as he is "in role" . The sad reality however is that when he is out of "role" he crashes due to exhaustion, and you his family pick up the pieces. Keep on the pressure where you can for him to get some help for anxiety/depression.
This will not happen overnight, but keep the "tough love" approach. To me it sounds like there are signs of progress here. Keep in there! x
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Old 25th March 2015, 02:19 PM   #25
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sambrooklands View Post
He sounds so much like me, before I admitted help was needed. Social anxiety is possibly an issue here. Like myself, I am sure he has been successful professionally as he is "in role" . The sad reality however is that when he is out of "role" he crashes due to exhaustion, and you his family pick up the pieces. Keep on the pressure where you can for him to get some help for anxiety/depression.
This will not happen overnight, but keep the "tough love" approach. To me it sounds like there are signs of progress here. Keep in there! x
Thank you so much. It's so helpful getting your perspective as I agree that there are a number of similarities between our situations.
I have just had a session with the counsellor alone & just have to have faith that we'll get there eventually.
Wow this is so draining & exhausting.
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Old 25th March 2015, 04:57 PM   #26
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Glad you had a productive session with the counselling. Keep going, it will get easier - you are at the lowest point and will look back on it being as such whatever way things go. Keep talking to your husband, and keep the tough love approach with him needing to get help in order for you both to have the future happiness you both deserve. Seeing a doctor about anxiety and depression as a bloke is a big step, however it is not a sign of weaknesss, it is a sign of strength. Try to let things go about the past wrongs he may or may not have committed. Is there any chance of a deal between the two of you in that you will get help for letting the past go once and for all if he will get help for depression?
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Old 27th March 2015, 11:30 PM   #27
defeated
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

I absolutely would let the past go if I could get through to him & he would recognise he's so hostile the whole time.
He came back from his latest work trip yesterday & was really friendly & made us a meal...which is huge. We chatted & laughed & it was nice, but obviously with a tinge of tension. We went to bed & I was trying to snuggle up to him to go to sleep, but he seemed irritated by it...I was so wiped I just went to sleep, but really hoped we'd gone to bed friends & would wake up friends.
Today he woke up in a bad mood...I had apparently thumped him in the middle of the night & so he'd had a terrible nights sleep. He got up early & slammed the door on his way out of our bedroom.
He was working from home but didn't get dressed & I took my twins to a soft play place all morning. We came back for lunch & he was still in his dressing gown & when I gave the twins lunch he played on his playstation. I put them down for their nap & he showered & got up & then came to tell me how much money he'd earned.
Anyway, he was ok today, but I could feel a bit of an edge.
Anyway I took my two eldest children to the cinema as an end of school term treat, straight after school & asked him to take care of the twins..they get up from their nap at 4 & we were back at 6.30. The second we came in he was really, really grumpy...saying he was ill & talking about negative stuff & just being angry.
He made himself some food & when I asked him why he was so angry & unfriendly he said it was because he was ill & tired.
I don't understand it...if I'm ill itdoesn't mean I'm unfriendly... you know when you can tell someone's finding you really irritating. Well that's how I feel all the time.
Needless to say we've hd another huge row....I tried to hug him & said I understand he's ill but we can still be friendly....little things like him going outside for a cigarette without asking me to join (I know, terrible habit, but something we'd usually do together)..
He went mad, saying he's just ill & he can't stand me in his ear & his he doesn't want me like this... Am I wrong? He's been away basically for the past couple of weeks & just back...& I'm exhausted too, but I can still be friendly - smile, hold a hand watching tv & just be friendly?! I not asking for him to do backflips & entertain me, but I just always feel as though I'm so irritating & causing him to Get really angry.
I can't live like this.
It's Friday night & he's been away for the past couple ofweeksbasically & I'm on my own on t.his website!!
Am I being unfair! Am I exoecting too much? Should I let him just be ill, grumpy & unfriendly & wait for his mood to lift?
I just don't understand it.
Omg I can't take it. Surely life's so tough that you should be light & friendly to your supposed best friend??
Help. Any views gratefully welcome, negative or positive.
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Old 28th March 2015, 02:31 PM   #28
sambrooklands
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Don't expect too much too soon. As long as there are signsof life (such as the family meal) there is hope. How much did he honestly have to drink the night before he woke up in a bad mood?
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Old 28th March 2015, 03:01 PM   #29
notDoneYet
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Quote:
Originally Posted by defeated View Post
I absolutely would let the past go if I could get through to him & he would recognise he's so hostile the whole time.
He came back from his latest work trip yesterday & was really friendly & made us a meal...which is huge. We chatted & laughed & it was nice, but obviously with a tinge of tension. We went to bed & I was trying to snuggle up to him to go to sleep, but he seemed irritated by it...I was so wiped I just went to sleep, but really hoped we'd gone to bed friends & would wake up friends.
Today he woke up in a bad mood...I had apparently thumped him in the middle of the night & so he'd had a terrible nights sleep. He got up early & slammed the door on his way out of our bedroom.
He was working from home but didn't get dressed & I took my twins to a soft play place all morning. We came back for lunch & he was still in his dressing gown & when I gave the twins lunch he played on his playstation. I put them down for their nap & he showered & got up & then came to tell me how much money he'd earned.
Anyway, he was ok today, but I could feel a bit of an edge.
Anyway I took my two eldest children to the cinema as an end of school term treat, straight after school & asked him to take care of the twins..they get up from their nap at 4 & we were back at 6.30. The second we came in he was really, really grumpy...saying he was ill & talking about negative stuff & just being angry.
He made himself some food & when I asked him why he was so angry & unfriendly he said it was because he was ill & tired.
I don't understand it...if I'm ill itdoesn't mean I'm unfriendly... you know when you can tell someone's finding you really irritating. Well that's how I feel all the time.
Needless to say we've hd another huge row....I tried to hug him & said I understand he's ill but we can still be friendly....little things like him going outside for a cigarette without asking me to join (I know, terrible habit, but something we'd usually do together)..
He went mad, saying he's just ill & he can't stand me in his ear & his he doesn't want me like this... Am I wrong? He's been away basically for the past couple of weeks & just back...& I'm exhausted too, but I can still be friendly - smile, hold a hand watching tv & just be friendly?! I not asking for him to do backflips & entertain me, but I just always feel as though I'm so irritating & causing him to Get really angry.
I can't live like this.
It's Friday night & he's been away for the past couple ofweeksbasically & I'm on my own on t.his website!!
Am I being unfair! Am I exoecting too much? Should I let him just be ill, grumpy & unfriendly & wait for his mood to lift?
I just don't understand it.
Omg I can't take it. Surely life's so tough that you should be light & friendly to your supposed best friend??
Help. Any views gratefully welcome, negative or positive.
Hi defeated. I know I don't post much on your thread but wanted to ask you something. The last time you and your husband were getting along, what did YOU do differently during that time?
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Old 28th March 2015, 03:02 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: Don't know how to get through....

Living with a very moody inconsistent person is very hard. Been there done that worn the T shirt.
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