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Old 4th May 2015, 11:32 AM   #46
chosen
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

Your wives actions where what made you ill, God never did anything to hurt you. As I said, dont rely on feelings. If your faith is genuine then once the depression lifts you will get back on track. I suppose the storms we go though test whether our faith was built on the right foundations or not.
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Old 4th May 2015, 11:57 AM   #47
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Your wives actions where what made you ill, God never did anything to hurt you. As I said, dont rely on feelings. If your faith is genuine then once the depression lifts you will get back on track. I suppose the storms we go though test whether our faith was built on the right foundations or not.
Hi DC, I now it was WW fault that I became ill and I never accused god of doing anything to hurt me, I feel as though he hasn't helped me but I have never blamed him for any of this, when I needed the church I found the church impotent to my needs, there doesn't seem to be any support network in our church its a bit old hat and dusty and not set up to offer emotional support to its parishioners, in this day and age when more marriages are failing for whatever reasons you would think that the church could help more but they don't, all they offer is prayer to help the afflicted but we have prayed until I'm blue in the face and it has got me absolutely no where.
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Old 4th May 2015, 12:44 PM   #48
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Hi DC, I now it was WW fault that I became ill and I never accused god of doing anything to hurt me, I feel as though he hasn't helped me but I have never blamed him for any of this, when I needed the church I found the church impotent to my needs, there doesn't seem to be any support network in our church its a bit old hat and dusty and not set up to offer emotional support to its parishioners, in this day and age when more marriages are failing for whatever reasons you would think that the church could help more but they don't, all they offer is prayer to help the afflicted but we have prayed until I'm blue in the face and it has got me absolutely no where.
I think that says a lot about you particular church to be honest. Many churches offer all sorts of help, support and friendship with lifes problems. Many offer marriage courses and divorce recovery workshops which many find very helpful. Many others offer counselling and most have mid week fellowship groups which are like a sort of spiritual family.
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Old 4th May 2015, 02:20 PM   #49
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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I think that says a lot about you particular church to be honest. Many churches offer all sorts of help, support and friendship with lifes problems. Many offer marriage courses and divorce recovery workshops which many find very helpful. Many others offer counselling and most have mid week fellowship groups which are like a sort of spiritual family.
Precisley DC you nailed it perfectly, that is exactly what is required in the modern church, as with everything it needs to move with the times and what you outlined has been sadly lacking for me and probably others in a similar situation.
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Old 4th May 2015, 02:49 PM   #50
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Precisley DC you nailed it perfectly, that is exactly what is required in the modern church, as with everything it needs to move with the times and what you outlined has been sadly lacking for me and probably others in a similar situation.
Do you think you'll look for another church, or are you kind of fed up right now?
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Old 4th May 2015, 03:06 PM   #51
chosen
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Precisley DC you nailed it perfectly, that is exactly what is required in the modern church, as with everything it needs to move with the times and what you outlined has been sadly lacking for me and probably others in a similar situation.
Ralf I was bought up in a very 'high' church and dont go to that sort of church now. I go to the more informal, welcoming type churches.
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Old 4th May 2015, 03:35 PM   #52
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

Princess Charlotte...love the name.

Off topic, I know! Sorry...but such a cute name!
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Old 4th May 2015, 05:28 PM   #53
chosen
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

OH well I was right with the second 2 names, Elizabeth Diana.
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Old 4th May 2015, 05:41 PM   #54
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

I thought one of the middle names would be Diana but I did not guess Elizabeth. I do like Charlotte. It seems all the names the princess has are a tribute in some way. Very thoughtful.
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Old 4th May 2015, 07:59 PM   #55
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Do you think you'll look for another church, or are you kind of fed up right now?
I don't know. but I do know that me and our marital church as are good as finished for now I cant even walk past it now.
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Old 5th May 2015, 04:57 AM   #56
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

Ralf, I read a post of yours a while ago where you were speaking about your wife and her family, and were very critical of the fact none of her family had ever owned their own home, were all in council houses and what not, and how she is living in a spare room in a council house now. Now I'm a great believer in 'nobody knows the true dynamics of a relationship other than the two people within it' and also 'there are two sides to each story'
I'm not at all trying to insinuate you were to blame for anything nor that your obvious grief is anything to speak light of. But I do feel that in that particular post you came off as quite money oriented and (not in an offensive way at all) quite pompous, with regards to your home and money, vacations etc. Could it be possible that this particular trait was something she grew resentful of (if as you said she grew up in a council home with a family who have never owned property etc) .. Because if somebody was truly unhappy then I don't think staying in the spare room of a 'council' home with their family or people they are close to is really bothersome to that person, if that's the life they grew up inside.
Nobody just suddenly wakes up and decides 'I'm unhappy' there are factors involved and no doubt many years of emotional turmoil, whether you were aware or not.
On this thread we only have your version of events, just the same as anyone who posts here I suppose, it's only common sense to acknowledge that if both spouses had to post it would be a different story for each. I'm not running you down in any way at all, just simply trying to think outside the box, because maybe you saw some things very differently to the way she did.. And either she never made those things known and just kept them inside and held resentment or tried to ignore them as best she could.
I suppose some things you will never find the answer to, but it might be worth truly soul searching and thinking about the differences between yourselves even so far back as childhood and mulling over whether attitudes about and toward some things could have caused upset or bad feeling, because the answers lie somewhere within your long marriage.
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Old 5th May 2015, 10:21 AM   #57
ralfgarnett
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
Ralf, I read a post of yours a while ago where you were speaking about your wife and her family, and were very critical of the fact none of her family had ever owned their own home, were all in council houses and what not, and how she is living in a spare room in a council house now. Now I'm a great believer in 'nobody knows the true dynamics of a relationship other than the two people within it' and also 'there are two sides to each story'
I'm not at all trying to insinuate you were to blame for anything nor that your obvious grief is anything to speak light of. But I do feel that in that particular post you came off as quite money oriented and (not in an offensive way at all) quite pompous, with regards to your home and money, vacations etc. Could it be possible that this particular trait was something she grew resentful of (if as you said she grew up in a council home with a family who have never owned property etc) .. Because if somebody was truly unhappy then I don't think staying in the spare room of a 'council' home with their family or people they are close to is really bothersome to that person, if that's the life they grew up inside.
Nobody just suddenly wakes up and decides 'I'm unhappy' there are factors involved and no doubt many years of emotional turmoil, whether you were aware or not.
On this thread we only have your version of events, just the same as anyone who posts here I suppose, it's only common sense to acknowledge that if both spouses had to post it would be a different story for each. I'm not running you down in any way at all, just simply trying to think outside the box, because maybe you saw some things very differently to the way she did.. And either she never made those things known and just kept them inside and held resentment or tried to ignore them as best she could.
I suppose some things you will never find the answer to, but it might be worth truly soul searching and thinking about the differences between yourselves even so far back as childhood and mulling over whether attitudes about and toward some things could have caused upset or bad feeling, because the answers lie somewhere within your long marriage.
Hello Starryd, thank you for your interesting and alternative post it made interesting reading, let me assure you that I am not money orientated in the slightest, love and happiness is much more important to me, the reference to where my wife is living now was probably made to make an analogy between where she is now and what she has left behind that's all, fortunately my wife and I both had very happy, settled, traditional, and loving up bringings . her mum and dad were fabulous people whom I loved and respected very much as were my parents, the area she was brought up in is quite a nice area where most people have bought there homes and I used to enjoy going to her parents home, however the area she is now living is across town and is a very rough council estate and is notorious in town for being so this is not something she will be familiar with, hence me demonstrating the difference between her moving from a nice residential area to that area, with regards money then my wife and I never discussed it, we both had separate bank accounts and never once argued over money in fact we rarely argued over anything we were blessed with a harmonious existence there can't be many couples that can say hand on heart that they have never argued over money, I mentioned the holidays to illustrate the good life we jointly shared together, if I came across as pompous then it was not intentional I don't remember the day I wrote that but it might of been one of my rare angry days if you can find it and show it me then I might recall why I wrote the way I did, anyone that knows me will tell you that I am as down to earth as you can get and certainly have no pretentions about myself, my wife and I were the most compataible of couples and shared so many interests it was uncanny which is one of the reasons why this situation has been so hard to cope with as neither of us will ever find that again I'm sure of that, well I think I have covered most of your points but thank you for making me think and please feel free to reply if there is anything you want to add or ask me about, in fact I would welcome a reply from you as I said previously you have made me think and that's good I need shaking up sometimes I get too complacent.

Adendum to original post 18-30pm BST
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
StarryD I have been thinking about your post on and off today and I know you didn't mean to but the more I think about it the more you have upset me, you are kind of making out that I have no respect for my wife because of where she grew up, let me tell you I love and respect my wife very much and I loved and respected her parents too, her mum was a nurse and her dad was a machine operator in engineering, they were hard working people all their lives, they were generous, loving and welcoming towards me at all times and I will be forever grateful for all they ever did for us and I wrote to her mum last year to tell her so, with regards my wife I am no bully or brow beater and her background was and still is totally irrellevant to me in every respect, had that been an issue then I wouldn't of married her would I ? and we were happily married for 17 years had I been the opinionated pompous bully that you are kind of making me out to be then we wouldn't of been so happy for so long, my wife is no fool in fact far better educated than me and with a degree, I was always very very proud of her and loved her very much I still do and think I will do until the day I die, my wife and I truly loved each other and I would never of said or done anything at all to upset her in fact even now I would rather die than do anything to hurt or upset her even in our current situation, I just needed to get this off my chest as it has upset me so much I am once again in tears typing this post, but please do me a favour will you ?, find where I wrote about her living arrangemnts for me will you please ? as I want to edit it so that it makes for more gentle reading.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 5th May 2015 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 5th May 2015, 12:47 PM   #58
notDoneYet
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
Ralf, I read a post of yours a while ago where you were speaking about your wife and her family, and were very critical of the fact none of her family had ever owned their own home, were all in council houses and what not, and how she is living in a spare room in a council house now. Now I'm a great believer in 'nobody knows the true dynamics of a relationship other than the two people within it' and also 'there are two sides to each story'
I'm not at all trying to insinuate you were to blame for anything nor that your obvious grief is anything to speak light of. But I do feel that in that particular post you came off as quite money oriented and (not in an offensive way at all) quite pompous, with regards to your home and money, vacations etc. Could it be possible that this particular trait was something she grew resentful of (if as you said she grew up in a council home with a family who have never owned property etc) .. Because if somebody was truly unhappy then I don't think staying in the spare room of a 'council' home with their family or people they are close to is really bothersome to that person, if that's the life they grew up inside.
Nobody just suddenly wakes up and decides 'I'm unhappy' there are factors involved and no doubt many years of emotional turmoil, whether you were aware or not.
On this thread we only have your version of events, just the same as anyone who posts here I suppose, it's only common sense to acknowledge that if both spouses had to post it would be a different story for each. I'm not running you down in any way at all, just simply trying to think outside the box, because maybe you saw some things very differently to the way she did.. And either she never made those things known and just kept them inside and held resentment or tried to ignore them as best she could.
I suppose some things you will never find the answer to, but it might be worth truly soul searching and thinking about the differences between yourselves even so far back as childhood and mulling over whether attitudes about and toward some things could have caused upset or bad feeling, because the answers lie somewhere within your long marriage.
I think StarryD makes an interesting point, but so do you Ralf.

From where I am I'm trying to understand where I went wrong in the M for her to want to leave. This is important to understand so that you don't fall into that trap again, either with the W or with someone else. And trust me, you did do something(s). I know I did. These are the changes you need to identify then implement. But for you and not for her.

The second point Ralf which I think you are making is also excellent. Why give all that up? My W and I had a really good life together but for her it wasn't enough. She wanted more and I wasn't there to provide it. Bear in mind I have a S so this is even harder on her knowing she's ripping the family in two. But that's worth it in her mind right now.

For me, the first part (identifying what I was doing wrong so I can correct it) is where I am right now. It's not about blame. She did what she did for a reason(s) that was important to her. She wasn't happy. If she was happy she would not be doing what she is doing right now. Giving up on a great life knowing S9 will from now on be from a broken home.
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Old 5th May 2015, 01:41 PM   #59
ralfgarnett
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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I think StarryD makes an interesting point, but so do you Ralf.

From where I am I'm trying to understand where I went wrong in the M for her to want to leave. This is important to understand so that you don't fall into that trap again, either with the W or with someone else. And trust me, you did do something(s). I know I did. These are the changes you need to identify then implement. But for you and not for her.

The second point Ralf which I think you are making is also excellent. Why give all that up? My W and I had a really good life together but for her it wasn't enough. She wanted more and I wasn't there to provide it. Bear in mind I have a S so this is even harder on her knowing she's ripping the family in two. But that's worth it in her mind right now.


For me, the first part (identifying what I was doing wrong so I can correct it) is where I am right now. It's not about blame. She did what she did for a reason(s) that was important to her. She wasn't happy. If she was happy she would not be doing what she is doing right now. Giving up on a great life knowing S9 will from now on be from a broken home.
Well I was told I had done nothing wrong and I was a great bloke to live with , its not you its me, and all the problems were her problems stress, grief etc, she wasn't happy with all sorts of things including her close family members becoming ill and needed to sort herself out and to find out who she really is and it all built up in to this great big pressure that tipped her over the brink to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts and had to leave to clear her head and to get some space.

I'm just letting her get on with it in the hope that one day she will wake up and realise what she's doing and losing but I can't force that only she can realise htat , funnily enough I have had 2 emails from her today just mundane stuff about a couple of joint insurances but its the first time in about 5 weeks we have had any kind of contact and its left me feeling a bit shakey for some reason, don't know why its all perfectly amicable, pleasant, and polite, hopes that the 3 of us are all ok, but there is no affection in it and we were always affectionate to each other and I miss that terribly.

I still have 15 voicemail messages of hers from when she was ok, in fact up to maybe a day or so before leaving and she just sounds normal, calls me by my pet name, tells me she loves me etc, also got loads of texts saying similar things, don't forget I still have most of her gear here too including valuable jewellery so she obviously still trusts me totally she might even still love me for all I know I have given her no reason not to love me, or maybe she has just fallen out of love with me.

These next couple of months are going to be interesting, we have the 20th anniversary of us becoming a couple, we have our wedding anniversary, and then her birthday and I wonder how she will feel when for the first time since we have known each other I completely ignore all 3 dates.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 5th May 2015 at 01:54 PM.
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Old 5th May 2015, 01:55 PM   #60
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Re: The rolling waves again and again when will it end?

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Well I was told I had done nothing wrong and I was a great bloke to live with , its not you its me, and all the problems were her problems stress, grief etc, she wasn't happy with all sorts of things including her close family members becoming ill and needed to sort herself out and to find out who she really is and it all built up in to this great big pressure that tipped her over the brink to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts and had to leave to clear her head and to get some space, I'm just letting her get on with it in the hope that one day she will wake up and realise what she's doing and losing but I can't force that only she can realise htat , funnily enough I have had 2 emails from her today just mundane stuff about a couple of joint insurances but its the first time in about 5 weeks we have had any kind of contact and its left me feeling a bit shakey for some reason, don't know why its all perfectly amicable and polite but there is no affection in it and we were always affectionate to each other and I miss that terribly
Yes, I got a lot of that as well. I don't believe her (well, not now that she's spewed quite a few horrible things at me).

If your wife has made contact then that's good. Keep your responses minimum. Please, no pursuing. I know you will be tempted but don't go down that path. Play it cool and let us know how it goes.
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