Wife leaving me

[neil123]

HI everyone –
Not quite sure why I’m writing this, not quite sure of what I want to hear. Feel like I just need to vent.
My wife is leaving me after 6 years of marriage and 13 years in total. I’m incredibly sad. We have 3 beautiful kids, lovely detached house, 2 cars etc. She told me a week or so ago that she didn’t love me anymore. We had been arguing and not speaking for months, but I never thought she would leave. Weve had a weird relationship.. never any passion, genuine love, but not the “in love” type. Im ok with that, I guess she just came to the end. I always looked after the money side (I like to provide) and she always looked after the kids. But then we fell into these roles and never crossed the threshold. So I became controlling, where we lived, what we spent, how we spent.. I’m sad because I know this and she had no say in anything. I didn’t mean to be like that I was just being responsible. “In 10 years we’ll have the mortgage paid off and we can have fun”… I said that about everything. We never had fun now.
She is looking at a house today to rent and will take it if its suitable. She wants to keep things amicable and so do I for the kids. She is so upset she is doing this to the family, she doesn’t want to leave, she's upset that shes upsetting me. I don't know whether to believe her or not. She is happy at work, loves life, anywhere away from me. That hurts. Just don't know what I could do. But, deep down I know I want her to go. This has happened twice before. I’m drained and cannot do this again. She’s grown into a confident woman, now a bar manager. wheras I feel Ive had my confidence sucked from me. Put so much weight on, on beta blockers, facial skin problems, moody, nasty... I’m tired of the stress. I’m just going to miss the norm, I like being married, I like the status. I’m also concerned that I have to now start looking after the kids, I’m scared that they won’t like me. I just feel guilt all the time.
I know it’s the right thing – its just hurting.

Anyway thanks for listening.

[chosen]

Is she leaving her small children?

I would recommend some marriage counseling for you both together.

[neil123]

Hi,

No she is taking the kids. We have a relate appointment tonight but only so we can get advice on the best practice to separate. Want to make sure the kids will be fine with the split. I also need to know that everything wasn't just my fault. She has said on numerous occasions over the last week that her feelings have changed and she is no longer in love with me. Ive been gutted to hear this, but we keep trying to make it work... It just cant. So its best to quit now.. Don't want this stress ever again. I'm 40 and still got time to move on.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by neil123

Hi,

No she is taking the kids. We have a relate appointment tonight but only so we can get advice on the best practice to separate. Want to make sure the kids will be fine with the split. I also need to know that everything wasn't just my fault. She has said on numerous occasions over the last week that her feelings have changed and she is no longer in love with me. Ive been gutted to hear this, but we keep trying to make it work... It just cant. So its best to quit now.. Don't want this stress ever again. I'm 40 and still got time to move on.

What have you done to work at the marriage? Have you had counselling before?

Yes you have still time to move on, (not quite sure what you mean by that),but you have three children who need their dad with them. They need a dad who gives them his time and attention and love. It may better if she were to stay on the house with the children. It would be far less unsettling for them not to have to leave their home as well.

[neil123]

Not actually done anything i guess, i think its just our personalities' that clash. Its nit been physical for years and it confuses me why.
Regarding the house, because ive lost touch with them all im scared that if i leave, they will all just continue life and i will be some bloke / a ghost. I did suggest it though, but she doesn't want to live there.. She was never keen on the house anyway. Stressed with it all tbh, fed up of feeling bad about myself.. Shes moved on, there is nothing i can do. The decision is made, its just dealing with it now

[Raymond]

I can't help feeling that she has met someone else. That is usually the case when one gets the speech I love you but am not in love with you. If that is the case it is a shame as you could of worked on the problems you have now they have risen to the surface.

I think you are one that is good at business but not relationships with your wife or your children. That does need attention. Relationships are important. Nobody on their deathbed ever said I wish I had spent more time at the office. Business is good but not at the expense of your relationship with your wife or your children. Are you afraid of intimacy? Could be you have a childhood problem that was never sorted.

[ronnoco]

Hi Neil,

I know what it's like to have that 'speech' delivered, it completely sucks. I know the very dark place you must be in now- it's horrible....I genuinely feel for you.

It's a tricky one because it sound like things haven't been right for a while but regardless of this, I am surprised about how easily you seem to have given up. It's strange to see someone quit so easily. You strike me as someone who has become a very broken man. For whatever reason, life seems to have taken it's toll on you. It's like you just want this chapter of your life over and are already thinking about moving on.

Do you think there could be someone else in the picture?

Chosen is right - you MUST focus on your children now. I am incredibly involved with my children in every sense of their lives. I have them 3 nights per week inducing a big stint at the weekend. I believe all dads should be but I realise it doesn't always pan out like this.

Now is the time to step up and do what is right by your children. You don't want to be one of those dads who see's them once a month or even worse, looses all contact.

There are lots of similar posts on here which you will find useful with regards to how you can behave, things to do, not to do, etc but ultimately, it's your choices now that will define what happens.

Wishing you the very best. Chin up, hang in here, tough times don't last - tough people do.

[neil123]

Thanks guys that's nice to hear.
Ian a broken man. No social life, no confidence, nothing. Just feel like running away. Gutted about what's happening. I'm not sure if there is someone else on the scene, thought about it once and asked her. She said no of course. All the signs are there though i guess. She said this morning that she couldn't give me what i wanted and that i deserves better. I think she means she deserves better. Oh happy days. I don't want to give up on the marriage so quickly its just been like thus for years. I'm done.
Oh and yes i think i do have intimacy issues, probably a result of my parents :-(

[chosen]

Neil this is your chance to get your life together, get to know your children, be a better dad, start new things, make that effort to get to know others,(friends dont come knocking on your door), do those things you have always wanted to do, have a holiday, eat healthily and exercise(it will make you feel better mentally as well) and generally make good and positive choices.

Maybe some counselling for yourself may help.

[neil123]

Thanks Chosen. Im ok I guess just confused. Have come to the pub for a pint after work (never do that in case it upsets my wife) not that I think it would but she's so hard to read its painful - it used to upset her, when I had a mind of my own.

She has setup a relate appointment for tonight - not to sort our relationship but to get advice on best practice with telling the kids and so that we can split amicably. Which is good I suppose, but I'm sure the counsellor will be a little perplexed by this. Anyway, I just don't want to go. I don't want to go home. My mother will be rushing round later to look after the kids - I don't want to see her either, she'll blame me and tell me what a mess Ive made of everything. I sound like I'm whining - well I guess I am

I can understand my wifes intolerance for me now as Ive been depressed for years. Have been bullied at work by 2 absolutely horrible blokes and my wife could only support me for so long before it sent her insane. Problem is I was stuck. Earning £45k with a big mortgage and mouths to feed and being bullied has sent me over the edge. I have since started a new job with the same company 4 weeks ago and I can feel myself coming back. And I got a pay rise!

My personality is "funny man" (although you wouldn't think so!). I love making people laugh and well Im the office clown - not fool though, Im very good at my job and its really complex to keep my mind in shape. It feels great being in a new team where the guys are good fun and aren't jealous or try to belittle me at every opportunity.

She has been to see a house this afternoon. I think that's another reason I don't want to go home. I don't want to know the outcome. Im scared she takes the house and Im scared if she doesn't. Bonkers - matters of the heart eh. I think I just want to be on my own and see the kids 3 times a week (its near enough the same now, she works 3 nights a week). But Im scared of being on my own, Im scared of not being miserable... what a weird statement but I think its true. I don't know how to be happy in a relationship... tapped I think..!


Anyway thanks for chatting

[chosen]

It will be strange to be alone after having a full house. Try and get things to do, maybe some DIY or hobbies. A project may help get your mind off it all.

Good that your work is better, that will help a lot, but I would say that £45,000 is a very good wage and many would be delighted to have that much money coming in.

At least you can afford to have two homes at once, not many couples would be able to afford that. How will your wife afford the rent and bills on her own? Not sure what part of the country you live in, but my son and wife pay nearly £1000 a month rent for a tiny 2 bed terrace in the South.

[ronnoco]

Hi Neil,

I can feel how down and out you are and fully understand and sympathise.

I don't think you should blame yourself for everything. Things aren't always black and white and often we live life through rose tinted glasses.

Based on what you have said about your wife and how she is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else in the picture in some shape or form. Her job as a Bar Manager puts her in a bit of a false world. You could find that this has become an escape route from being "mum". It's hard work raising 3 kids and it's easy to have your head turned with a little bit of attention. Some men pray on women like this. I really hope this isn't the case though.

Chosen's advise is spot on. In any relationship it is vital to be happy within. Someone else can only add to your happiness, they can't make you happy. You need to learn to be happy within, comfortable within your own skin.

Google "5 stages of grief" and "divorce busters 180" - you will find these very useful for your situation.

Although it may not be completely relevant to you, I would thoroughly recommend reading this post - it's fantastic and may help you realise that whatever happens, there is a way forward and where you end up depends on you and your choices.

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/sho...7&postcount=55

It's going to me a whirlwind but you need to ride it out, do damage control along the way and rebuild. In the meantime, focus on yourself and those kids. Invest in yourself, trust me you will feel better if you do. Get a new haircut, join a gym, take up a hobby, change your clothes, appearance, do something different whether it be rock climbing, martial arts or chess, anything you fancy, just push yourself out of your comfort zone. It will make you feel better and open doors.

[neil123]

Hi everyone - thank you for all your comments its good to know theres a network..

Well quick update - we went to the relate session and it was tough. I guess I thought she was going there to try to fix us. Sadly not. My ex is a good woman. She never meant to cause any harm and she certainly isn't seeing anyone. We just don't have that "spark", we never did. And when you don't have that and try to live a normal life - its painful. She seems uncaring at the moment but it turns out she has grieved already... months ago, when we had a huge bust up. It was then that she knew that life could not continue together. Im still at that early stage but also feel a sense of relief, although its so raw and will take time (its 6:55 and im writing on a forum!). She is 9 months ahead of me. We are both good people, the best at organising, but just no good together. There was something missing, I knew it and so did she - to continue on would be damaging to everyone.

I feel sad, but also calm. The counsellor said that in order for this transitional period to be better for the kids, we should try to stay in the same house until September, when the kids are back at school. This will then distract them from the split. So I will move into the spare room downstairs. I don't want to mess the kids up, and my ex and I are very good "business" people (as someone said) we will sort it.

Its early days and I hope I find the strength to turn the sad breakdown of a loveless relationship into a friendship. I have to do for the sake of the kids. I do want to be friends, and I want to be able to chat to her without pining or being sad. I'm just tired of it all and need some peace...

Regarding activities, Ive just taken up golf, but everything seems so difficult to do. Ive been that obsessed with my relationship that the world has slipped by. Ive got to go and find some hobbies away from the house - but im not interested in anything. I will push myself out of my comfort zone, but its going to be hard.

PS I live in Yorkshire, its a bit cheaper up here...so we can both have a nice house and look after our kids.

Life eh?!

[chosen]

Originally Posted by neil123

Hi everyone - thank you for all your comments its good to know theres a network..

Well quick update - we went to the relate session and it was tough. I guess I thought she was going there to try to fix us. Sadly not. My ex is a good woman. She never meant to cause any harm and she certainly isn't seeing anyone. We just don't have that "spark", we never did. And when you don't have that and try to live a normal life - its painful. She seems uncaring at the moment but it turns out she has grieved already... months ago, when we had a huge bust up. It was then that she knew that life could not continue together. Im still at that early stage but also feel a sense of relief, although its so raw and will take time (its 6:55 and im writing on a forum!). She is 9 months ahead of me. We are both good people, the best at organising, but just no good together. There was something missing, I knew it and so did she - to continue on would be damaging to everyone.

I feel sad, but also calm. The counsellor said that in order for this transitional period to be better for the kids, we should try to stay in the same house until September, when the kids are back at school. This will then distract them from the split. So I will move into the spare room downstairs. I don't want to mess the kids up, and my ex and I are very good "business" people (as someone said) we will sort it.

Its early days and I hope I find the strength to turn the sad breakdown of a loveless relationship into a friendship. I have to do for the sake of the kids. I do want to be friends, and I want to be able to chat to her without pining or being sad. I'm just tired of it all and need some peace...

Regarding activities, Ive just taken up golf, but everything seems so difficult to do. Ive been that obsessed with my relationship that the world has slipped by. Ive got to go and find some hobbies away from the house - but im not interested in anything. I will push myself out of my comfort zone, but its going to be hard.

PS I live in Yorkshire, its a bit cheaper up here...so we can both have a nice house and look after our kids.

Life eh?!

AH yes, my DIL is from Lancashire, and all her family are there. House prices there are half what they are here, in fact she and my son and their baby may well end up moving up that way there so they can actually afford to buy their own home. Mind you my son earns half what you do(he works for a Christian charity and you dont get rich doing that)so she has to work as well.

Time will help, once things are more settled I am sure that you can get your life on track. Try this website DRW.org There may be a divorce recovery workshop near you, just for people who are separated or divorced, to help you work though stuff.

I think its sad that a marriage ends because there is no 'spark.' Marriage is far more than that, friendship, companionship, support etc etc and the kids do suffer so much when parents split no matter how hard you try and make it easier.

[neil123]

Hi everyone,
Just to give an update I have now moved out and in a 3 bed terrace. Been in since last Monday.
Its quite a nice place but quiet. The kids will stay with me 3 times a week when my ex is at work.
Been a tough few weeks, I have to say. Im having some good days and bad, today being a bad one.
Probably largely due to the fact that I am hungover. Been out quite a lot lately, trying to fill the void I guess.
I know there is no going back, but she has been texting lately saying she is sorry for everything.
I think she does this when she is feeling down, because in the next hour she doesnt reply and seems ok.
I think she's playing with me a bit but Im still on her drug, so any text or attention is addictive.
I had to text her last week to stop texting me as its making me ill... to be fair, it is. Am a nervous wreck at the moment.
I guess I still cant believe its over and dont think I will ever get over this.
We had a holiday booked next week in the lakes, but I will just be taking the kids now for 7 days. We had been there as a family previously.
Going to be strange.
Well anyway, just thought I'd check in... Cheers