In the fog zone - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

Pimouse · 12th May 2015, 10:53 PM

Hi, I'm just new on this site and am looking for some advice/guidance. I have been married for 8 years and 3 months ago my wold turned inside out. My upbringing has been different than my husband as I'm from a different country and I'm very family orientated. 5 years ago we went through an horrendous time, my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia, we had a 20 months toddler and I had just given birth to our second child and my H mum died in the most horrific car accident (all those thing in a 3 months space). During that time I tried my best to hold my family together . My H wasn't coping and I told him several times that he needed professional help. I was also dealing on my own with my dad's cancer, while back at work full time and dealing with two young babies. No one from my family leaves where I am. Two years ago we hit a rough patch as my H blamed me for going on holidays to see my parents for 3 weeks in the summer while he was working and couldn't/ wouldn't take some time off. At that time I was seeing my family once a year whereas I used to see them every 2/3 months. My H became distant and I knew that after his mum death he had put walls around him and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get through him. Then this year in January I was made aware of rumours about him cheating. I confronted him and he said it was untrue but on Valentines day I found out it was and he confessed that he has been seeing the other woman for 2 years! I gave him a second chance and listened to his reasons why he cheated ( some valid, others not) and started to improve ( in the meantime he wasn't making amends), then a month after finding out I discovered on his phone that he was back with her, so I threw him out ( it's now 8 weeks). We are regular touch as our children are still young 7 and 5 years old! But I don't get what he does. We have to sell our house as I can't afford to live in it on my own. He is staying with a single friend and tells me that he likes it! When he comes he still kisses me and he still wears his wedding ring. He said he doesn't want a divorce but last week after a petty argument he said that it was over between us! I really don't k is where to stand. My children don't seem to bothered of not seeing there dad as for the last 2 years he was working nearly every single day, so they are used not to see him. I still think or maybe hope that he has feeling for me but I don't know what he wants. Surely if it was over for him, he wouldn't be wearing his wedding band and file for divorce. I don't know what to think. I know that was he has done is hard, but on the other hand I can understand his point of view (but it doesn't excuse what he has done as if he was that unhappy he could have left this marriage). I still have feelings for him not because I'm scared to be own my own ( since I kicked him out, the only difference is being on my own in bed!) but because I love him. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that as time goes by he isn't coming back as he said last week it was over ( he said that after I tried to discuss about his affair and got very nasty and angry) but he still wears his ring and kisses me. Any kind words or advice would be grateful appreciated.

Raymond · 13th May 2015, 10:13 AM

Hi Pimhouse. Sorry you are going through this. My thought is that there is no point in being back together when he is not being faithful. Added to that he lied about it as well. A marriage cannot continue without trust. You may miss it terribly but if he came back without repenting about his bad behaviour you would be going nowhere. Your first intinct of kicking him out was a right one I believe. You are weakening now but you need to hold that course.

I don't think it is a reason because his mother was killed. That would draw you closer to your wife not cause one to be unfaithful. You will have to still relate to him because of the children but the ball is in his court about getting back with you but I wouldn't be open to that unless he gets right with you about the affair.

I think your best route, as hard as it is, is to accept that the marriage is over from your point of view as I can see you pining for years about something that may never happen. You have a life to live. You need to have a funeral for him and move on the best you can. That doesn't stop him repenting over his affair and asking to come back but I wouldn't wait. Getting on with making your new life will leave you free to make the choice, if it comes to that, later on down the line. That is better than the alternative of wishing for something that isn't happening. You need to be spared that and start running your life without him.

Pimouse · 18th May 2015, 09:20 PM

As hard as it felt to read it, I think you are right Raymond and I have to think that it is over. I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching and realised that even though I was an instrument in the breakdown of my mariage, in no way I'm responsible for his affair. If he was that UNHAPPY he should have left and not cheat on me. I told him that separation was the right thing to do, that I can understand why he had an affair and that we had some problems that weren't solved, by doing that I felt a weight of my shoulders lifted. I won't say it's easy everyday but the pain is lessening little by little and maybe after all there is light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't understand why he still carry wearing his wedding ring (mind you when he was cheating on me he was wearing it, so I guess it means nothing to him) and why he doesn't file for legal separation or divorce if it's over for him. I would appreciate any thoughts on that.

Raymond · 19th May 2015, 09:11 AM

I know it is hard for you Pimhouse but I have seen this pattern on here quite a lot.

You ask why he is not filing for divorce. Nobody can read his mind but it could be that he wants the best of both worlds. Double minded in fact. Maybe you are his last stop if things go wrong. Thing is that isn't good enough for a marriage. He could be sensing that you are pining for him and playing on it. You musn't let that happen. Being straight and saying her or me is the best way. You can't accept anything less and as I said you have to be sure he is sorry about what happened as the trust has been broken.

You can't be double minded as well if you don't want to go through years of living in a halfway house. You deserve better than this and if he is being unfaithful he has to take the consequences of it. Why would you want him back when he is going with other women? I know why really. You are married to him and your whole body, mind and emotions are joined to him, but you have to face the consequences of his betrayal and recognise the situation. You have to take that decision to save years of needless suffering up ahead. I know you are suffering now but that will pass because it is the right decision. I hate seeing broken marriages but it is almost worse to see a marriage pasted together where adultery is going on. That is worse than seperation.

There is a place for apologising to him for any known behaviour you felt was contributory, but this must never be done in a grovelling way to get him back. He has to make up his mind himself. Just let him know and leave it and you will be clear. The rest is up to him. As it is you need to accept the worse and start a new life while you can. If by a miracle he comes back in a repentant attitude and apologise for hurting and betraying you at a later time then that will be another decision at that time, but don't wait as you will risk being in this never never world of pining for what may never happen.

Raymond · 19th May 2015, 09:18 AM

I know it is hard for you Pimhouse but I have seen this pattern on here quite a lot.

You ask why he is not filing for divorce. Nobody can read his mind but it could be that he wants the best of both worlds. Double minded in fact. Maybe you are his last stop if things go wrong. Thing is that isn't good enough for a marriage. He could be sensing that you are pining for him and playing on it. You musn't let that happen. Being straight and saying her or me is the best way. You can't accept anything less and as I said you have to be sure he is sorry about what happened as the trust has been broken.

You can't be double minded as well if you don't want to go through years of living in a halfway house. You deserve better than this and if he is being unfaithful he has to take the consequences of it. Why would you want him back when he is going with other women? I know why really. You are married to him and your whole body, mind and emotions are joined to him, but you have to face the consequences of his betrayal and recognise the situation. You have to take that decision to save years of needless suffering up ahead. I know you are suffering now but that will pass because it is the right decision. I hate seeing broken marriages but it is almost worse to see a marriage pasted together where adultery is going on. That is worse than seperation.

There is a place for apologising to him for any known behaviour you felt was contributory, but this must never be done in a grovelling way to get him back. He has to make up his mind himself. Just let him know and leave it and you will be clear. The rest is up to him. As it is you need to accept the worse and start a new life while you can. If by a miracle he comes back in a repentant attitude and apologise for hurting and betraying you at a later time then that will be another decision at that time, but don't wait as you will risk being in this never never world of pining for what may never happen.

Pimouse · 19th May 2015, 10:41 PM

I can't believe how it hurts to be betrayed. I always said that I'll walk away if this happens to me, so why can't i do it? Why does it seem so easy for him to move on with his life? At the moment he's sharing a house with a single man and as far as I know he hasn't been in contact with the OW. Why is it so hard to detach yourself from someone with whom you shared 10 years of your life? I'm feeling silly for still having feelings and believing that he will come back. Any advice how I can start to heal and come to realisation that it's really over? I never thought that such a thing would happen to me and it's even harder when my family isn't around but still give me advice to file for divorce! Even my lawyer says to wait 2 years and asked if there was possibility of reconciliation! Do couple often reconcile when the WH has been involved in a long term affair? What are the chances of R? I think I'm having a hard time today and it feels like people are expecting me to have got over it by now (only 3 months since discovery and 2 since I kicked him out). Am I wanting to rush things and move on but not really dealing with the pain and properly grieving? Who knows

Lindentree1 · 20th May 2015, 01:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pimouse

I can't believe how it hurts to be betrayed. I always said that I'll walk away if this happens to me, so why can't i do it? Why does it seem so easy for him to move on with his life? At the moment he's sharing a house with a single man and as far as I know he hasn't been in contact with the OW. Why is it so hard to detach yourself from someone with whom you shared 10 years of your life? I'm feeling silly for still having feelings and believing that he will come back. Any advice how I can start to heal and come to realisation that it's really over? I never thought that such a thing would happen to me and it's even harder when my family isn't around but still give me advice to file for divorce! Even my lawyer says to wait 2 years and asked if there was possibility of reconciliation! Do couple often reconcile when the WH has been involved in a long term affair? What are the chances of R? I think I'm having a hard time today and it feels like people are expecting me to have got over it by now (only 3 months since discovery and 2 since I kicked him out). Am I wanting to rush things and move on but not really dealing with the pain and properly grieving? Who knows

You should not be expected to get over it this soon. This was ten years of your life and you are supposed to forget him quickly? This will take time. Betrayal hurts. You have a right to take things slowly. If you don't want to file for divorce yet, don't. If you're in a state of confusion, perhaps now is not the time to make decisions. That being said, you were right to kick him out.

Is he being a father to his children? Spending time with them?

Could you ever forgive him for what he has done? Would he be willing to go to counseling with you to save your marriage? If he is not, that might be your answer right there. If he's truly sorry, and willing to do the work to get you back, if you can forgive him, then perhaps it could work. If he is enjoying the bachelor life and does not want to put the work in to fix your marriage (assuming you even want to) then I would grieve and move on.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Raymond · 20th May 2015, 09:12 AM

It is a terrible thing to be betrayed Pimhouse. None of us doubts the pain you are in. If he did come to his right mind and realises what he has done and is sorry for it there might be hope but the ball is really in his court concerning this. Your hope has to rest on something real and I don't see that at the moment. To put your hope into something that is up to him is beyond your control. As I said we have had wives on here who lived with someone who still had affairs because they couldn't get the strength to leave. They were not happy women and basically they were going round in circles. I hope that doesn't happen to you. You are worth more.

Of course you will need to heal and that does take time. You wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt. As Lindentree points out there should be time to grieve your loss but at the same time if things stay as they are you need to have a funeral for him and try to start a new life. Of course there is a chance that he will come to his senses but I still think you should use the time to learn independence as it may never happen. If it did happen down the line becoming independent would not hinder your chances at all to getting back together. I would say it would enhance them. It would be more attractive than begging.

Nobody is saying you have to do anything in haste. We are just giving pointers. Your body, mind and emotions will take time to be weaned off from him. It would be a fruitless excercise to give him your loyalty while he is betraying you. It would just be continuing hurt from what I can see.

Pimouse · 22nd May 2015, 09:23 PM

Thanks for your support. I think I'll stand back a bit and wait before I decide what I do. Some friends keep telling me that I need a clean break (ie divorce), but I don't feel ready for it. Still dealing with the discovery, so don't really want to have to deal with another trauma as well. If I get stronger I'm sure I'll be able to deal with divorce when it comes my way. Still in touch with H because we have to sell the house and he needs to see the kids, but not feeling as hurt as I thought I'd be. I'm wondering if I'm not just blocking avoiding grieving and I still have hope that we may get back together. I must be abnormal to want him back after what he did and call me naive but my H still wears his wedding ring and as far as I know he hasn't seen his lover since I kicked him out, so I'm wondering if I'm not analysing too much or reading too much when there is no need too. Thank you for this brilliant support website :-)

Raymond · 23rd May 2015, 08:28 AM

I think you are wise to put off traumas like divorce etc. for the time being Pimhouse. You must choose when and if you want to fight the battles.

I get the drift with what you are saying. I am really glad that he is out of the house without you. He is much more likely to come to repentance about what he has done in the position he is without you. It is okay to hope for a turnaround but nothing good will happen until he is sorry and cuts off all contact with this other woman. That has happened on here before. The wife concerned had asked him to leave and maintained that position. Eventually he realised his position and cut off all contact with the other woman and came home repentant. There was a blip before that when he came home but wasn't really repentant and was still seeing the other woman so she asked him to leave again. We thought it was the end but a few weeks later things changed and he came to the end of himself. This time it was real and she knew that in her spirit as women do.

My main concern was that you would get stuck and enable what was going on and live with him like that when he was still seeing other women. That doesn't work, so a part of you must be brave in case it stays like that. However my hope is that he does see the light and realises what he has done and is sorry for it. You will know when that happens.

Pimouse · 25th May 2015, 10:58 PM

I think that what hurts me the most isn't the fact that my marriage is over, it's the little details I'm getting each week about the extent of the affair. It feels like I'm getting better and starting to see the light out of the tunnel, and suddenly my slow recovery is getting crushed, like if I wasn't allowed to get on with my life. I know that my path is already decided but I wasn't expecting to see so many hurdles along the way. I think I'm certain about what I'm doing but these little discoveries keep creeping up and they make me doubt about what I think is right. I found out that all his family knew about the affair but they still offer me supportand a shoulder to cry on! Now I'm wondering if it wasn't done out of guilty from their part. I also found out that my H took her to his work do and everyone assumed she was his wife! So a lot of people knew about it but nobody had the decency to tell me. Was I supposed to have seen the red flags? I didn't see them as he didn't change much his daily routine! Now I feel so stupid and so naive as I think I must have been the laughing stock for a long time! No point being angry at him as it won't make any difference as for him he was right in what he did! My two girls didn't deserve that! I don't want to cut my girls from his family but I have brought up where there was a lot of secrets and lies and I have promised must that if I have children there would be no lies or secrets. As they are 5 & 7, I think they are too young to be told the thruth and I just told them that my H and I are taking tone apart as few have few problems but that no matter what happens we both still love them. I hope I did the right thing! What makes me angry is that we have to sell the house and the girls love it, but I cannot afford it on my own. How can someone be so cruel and put his needs first above his children. Looking back we bought this house when he stared his affair, he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of telling that the house we bought would be out family home! My kids seem fine but I'm wondering what would be the long term effect on them.

chosen · 26th May 2015, 04:34 AM

THere is never an excuse for cheating.

It must be hard knowing how many others knew. Someone should have told you, or at least forced him to tell you.

I am so sorry.

Well the girls will be hurt a lot with all this upheaval, but with you as their stability they will come though OK. Do you have supportive family?

It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly selfish some people are. My children always came first before myself.

Raymond · 26th May 2015, 09:33 AM

My I feel for you Pimhouse. This is some betrayal when others knew and didn't say anything. Taking this woman to his works do as his wife? I expect his relations didn't want to break his confidence although they must have known how very wrong it was. They should have confronted him though. I know I would in that situation. I think I would have told you as I would have been an accessory to it if I didn't. You were entitled to know a long time ago.

It must feel as if he put the knife in you and slowly turned it. He really seems very dishonest and callous to me. You have to make a new life. How are you going to trust him now? This is more than just a slip it seems to me.

The girls will be affected by this as Chosen says. It might not show on the surface but the wounds will go deep. You need to be aware of that and give comfort where you can to mitigate any long term affects.

Do you have any friends that you trust who you can talk to? You need as much support as you can get as well as you trying your best to start a new life without him. Once you have decided your direction you need to secure as much as you can financially from him to help you bring your girls up. I would seek special advvice about that.

Pimouse · 26th May 2015, 10:32 AM

That's what I don't get it, everyone knew about it but never told me. I found out about it as only one of my friend found out and told me straight away. Looking back I can see that some of the signs where there and my H told me that I should have seen the signs. I knew he was depressed and did my best to help him but his grief is that I should have the appointment for him to see a therapist (which I did but he didn't return their call) & that I should have gone with him! I'm not his mother, and I feel I did all I could. Now he is seeing a therapist because his sister set it up for him. He's 37! I also found out that his dad and all his siblings have all cheated on their H/W, so I guess it's a trend in a family that cheating is normal and accepted. I'm more angry at myself as I didn't see the sign, but then again I had no incline to think that he would be cheating on me. I really feel like a fool! I moved to my H country, so all my family is not near me. They all are saying that I should fill for divorce! My concern is that everyday I change my mind. Yesterday it was over and today I want to believe we can get back together (according to my heart), but my brain is saying no (as 2 years is a long time and now that I know everyone knew about it) as I don't want my daughters to learn that it's normal to be cheated on. Really don't know where to go from here; I can only make the call but at the moment I'm sitting on the edge if a wall and don't know which way I should fall.

chosen · 26th May 2015, 10:41 AM

As Raymond said, I think that you need to get legal advise no matter what about the house and child support.

In the mean time he isnt at all repentant and blames you for both his affair and the fact that you didnt know he was cheating!!!To be honest he sounds very immature and selfish.