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12th November 2014, 11:26 AM
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#16
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD
Thank you for sharing you personal story, I know it must have been difficult to think back over those memories, and I'm so very sorry you had to endure that.
My husband was raised Catholic in Ireland so religion was a part of his upbringing, he classes himself as 'Catholic' but admits that he hasn't had anything to do with religion for many years. I've actually suggested before that we go to church together as a family or as a couple ( I can't imagine the girls would be too interested) and he really liked the idea. However we've never done that.. I think I'll ask him again because he was pretty enthusiastic last time I did, it just never came about.
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I wouldn't really recommend just religion though. I was brought up as a catholic and have been in two convents. The answer is really a personal relationship with christ and not just religion. I left those places wanting nothing to do with religion. I was really anti so it is a miracle how I came to Christ. I found out that religion and christ can be two different things.
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12th November 2014, 11:38 AM
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#17
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
From Chosen
Hey just had a thought come to my mind. Another alternative is that whenever this happens again, you leave. So if the anger begins, or if he has drunk too much, walk out, stay with someone for a day or maybe two, and only return when he is sober and calm. Calmly tell him that this is what you will do if it happens again because you cant cope with the emotional abuse and the violence. This will protect you and this will make him see that his behaviour has consequences.
I think that's a very good idea if it can be worked. It would speak to him without you being angry and it would protect you from his behaviour when he is like that. It can be done in a nice firm way like "I love you very much but if you drink then I must protect myself and move out". That would work better than nagging and you would be able to keep your boundaries..
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12th November 2014, 02:12 PM
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#18
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
From Chosen
Hey just had a thought come to my mind. Another alternative is that whenever this happens again, you leave. So if the anger begins, or if he has drunk too much, walk out, stay with someone for a day or maybe two, and only return when he is sober and calm. Calmly tell him that this is what you will do if it happens again because you cant cope with the emotional abuse and the violence. This will protect you and this will make him see that his behaviour has consequences.
I think that's a very good idea if it can be worked. It would speak to him without you being angry and it would protect you from his behaviour when he is like that. It can be done in a nice firm way like "I love you very much but if you drink then I must protect myself and move out". That would work better than nagging and you would be able to keep your boundaries..
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Yes and also, as well as telling him in advance what will happen, if he gets drunk/violent/angry just don't say a word or try and reason with him, just quietly get your bag and go. Ring after 24 hours to see how things are, and if he is sober, calm and rational, then come back. If he isnt, then stay away another 24 hours and do the same again. Do this every time it happens without fail, and I am pretty sure it will have an effect. He may not even get violent if he has no audience. You will need to be consistent though.
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12th November 2014, 07:08 PM
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#19
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Guest
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
Yes and also, as well as telling him in advance what will happen, if he gets drunk/violent/angry just don't say a word or try and reason with him, just quietly get your bag and go. Ring after 24 hours to see how things are, and if he is sober, calm and rational, then come back. If he isnt, then stay away another 24 hours and do the same again. Do this every time it happens without fail, and I am pretty sure it will have an effect. He may not even get violent if he has no audience. You will need to be consistent though.
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That's exactly what I'll be doing, it makes absolute sense and also, since I've never done it before, it might be the wake up call he needs because I know he'll probably sit there all night wondering if I'd finally given up and left for good. The reasons I'd never done so before were usually because I'd worry all night about him and if he was ok, but as someone said previously.. Tough love.
I was extremely nervous yesterday because I had to work late and he had been for a counselling session earlier in the day and when I talked to him on the phone and asked how it went he said it was good to get some stuff off his chest, but he sounded very low, probably because he'd talked about stuff from his past that upsets him and it's usually in close proximity to these times that he'll have an outburst. So I was probably 75% expecting to go home to him being drunk.. When I got home around 11pm he had been working on and fixing all kinds of things around the house, things that weren't exactly important, so I know he was doing it to keep busy until I got home.. It was like a weight immediately lifted off of my chest.. So I know he's trying, and it's moments like that where I can see how he truly doesn't want to hurt me. We spoke a little about the session, I tried to keep it light so he didn't start dwelling again and when we went to bed he was much happier, and this morning he was his usual sweet self. So these episodes can be avoided without the involvement of alcohol.. But as Chosen has stated before the alcohol will always be his personal choice.. I told him I was proud of him and that was what instantly cheered him up last night, so we'll see how it goes and I'll stay optimistic.. Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read and share some personal stories and of course for the great advice. I will keep you posted
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12th November 2014, 07:50 PM
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#20
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
StarryD I need to tell you that I am pretty sure that advise came from God and not me, because it just popped into my heard as I was typing, and that has happened before when I have been trying to help someone. So He does care, and cares a lot, and He is also very wise and very practical.
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5th May 2015, 02:06 PM
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#21
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
StarryD you very kindly commented on one of my postings, please may I enquire as to what is your current situation ?, I hope things are going well for you.
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9th May 2015, 04:28 AM
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#22
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Guest
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Thank you for enquiring, ralph. There has been one or two hiccups but on a whole I am very happy with how things are going... My husband attends counselling every week and once a month I go with him. He turns 35 this month and we have a vacation to British Columbia (Canada) booked, so a pretty exciting next few weeks.
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9th May 2015, 10:40 AM
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#23
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
I am amazed that you saw Ralf's post Starry. Glad that things are a little better and that he is actually working on the problem. That is a big plus. Have a nice holiday in BC.
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9th May 2015, 12:59 PM
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#24
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
"I am amazed that you saw Ralf's post Starry"
I don't understand this, why are you amazed Raymond ?
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9th May 2015, 03:07 PM
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#25
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD
Thank you for enquiring, ralph. There has been one or two hiccups but on a whole I am very happy with how things are going... My husband attends counselling every week and once a month I go with him. He turns 35 this month and we have a vacation to British Columbia (Canada) booked, so a pretty exciting next few weeks.
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So glad things are going well for you, StarryD. It's nice to hear about a marriage working out. Enjoy your vacation.
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9th May 2015, 03:39 PM
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#26
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1
So glad things are going well for you, StarryD. It's nice to hear about a marriage working out. Enjoy your vacation.
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I agree it is nice to hear some good news for a change.
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9th May 2015, 11:42 PM
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#27
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Guest
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Yes I happened to log in and saw my own thread close to the top then saw ralf had commented on it last, I usually log in atleast once a week so luckily I couldn't miss it.
Thanks for all of your support guys and yes I am looking forward to the break.
It's been hard at times and a long journey but it's always worth it in the end when both people truly want the same thing and are willing to do what needs to be done to get there. I wish there were more people that wanted to put that effort and dedication in instead of throwing away marriages and giving up because I know how frustrated and hurt I would be if it was one sided. I suppose depending on the situation it's sometimes for the best to walk away but it still leaves extreme damage behind.
I'm glad that a lot of the same people still seem to post on here supporting eachother, many situations are similar and drawing comfort from one another especially on peoples darkest days is nice to see.
I hope that those of you going through a hard time with an uncertainty of what the future holds stay strong and work on building your strength back up so you can move through and find happiness again.
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10th May 2015, 09:00 AM
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#28
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
I was just amazed that you answered Ralf's post straight away when we haven't heard from you since last November. You have cleared the mystery in that you say you log in every week. Hope that answers your question Ralf.
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10th May 2015, 10:57 AM
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#29
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I was just amazed that you answered Ralf's post straight away when we haven't heard from you since last November. You have cleared the mystery in that you say you log in every week. Hope that answers your question Ralf.
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Morning Raymond yes that's fine, i just didn't understand the background to your comment.
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10th May 2015, 03:15 PM
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#30
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Guest
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Re: Marriage Advice Needed
Ah yes, I add a comment from time to time if I have something to say on somebody elses thread but haven't really had anything to say on my own post in a while because I don't think my situation is in need of as much discussion and advice as a lot of the new posts do.
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