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Old 9th October 2014, 11:42 PM   #1
Littlelostme
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Unhappy Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ support

I've recently found out that 2 years ago my husband had a bit of a thing from a girl from work! This was while I was 4 months pregant with out first child, 2 months after my father passed and 9 months after we got married. We got together at university 10 years ago. There was Lots of flirting, 2 kisses and then they both said it was stupid and went their separate ways! Ocassionally chatting quite innocently if rather over friendly. I had always been suspicious of his over friendlyness to her and he reassured me again and again that they were just friends. 2 months ago she got in contact to ask for a work reference after not speaking in about a year. He went out and was drunk and on the way home sent her some very inappropriate messages- following her having a whinge about not finding a good man! He said something along the lines of get the rabbit out and try not to get wet thinking of me! The conversation ended! But I saw it- well most of it! As he had deleated the start of the conversation! Anyway over the period of about 6 weeks he has finally come clean about what happened- well as far as he says! He told her not to contact him again after it all kicked off. And they haven't been in contact since. We've had an awful few months. I've tried desperately to forgive him but when I look at him I jut see her and can't see any of the goodness I once loved on him. He is like a stranger. I've tried to get over it- romantic breaks, sex, long chats...but I just can't. We have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old daughter. I moved to England for him 8 years ago and have lost contact with a lot of friends at home, have grown distant from family, have no real friends in England, have left my job, renting a place from his parents. I left my job when I got pregnant and didn't go back as I'm looking after my daughter. Have lost all confidence to do the job I did and also don't want to. I have no income, no home, no friends, no family and a baby daughter. He is begging me to stay- he's had a tough time, almost had a nervous breakdown. A lot of time has been focused on his recovery. Now he is recovering still left in complete darkness. I tried to take my own life 3 weeks ago. I won't do it again as it was selfish as I have a beautiful daughter. I just don't know a way out. I'm stuck here and don't know what to do. She was totally different to me. I regard myself as quite a classy person, I enjoy watching TV and doing crafts and homely things. She takes half naked selfies of herself every day and posts them on social media. She is a complete slut and now I know the type he likes I don't understand why he is with me! He said he never wanted her just liked the attention and knew he could quit it at any time. And that it wouldn't have went further as he loves me. I don't understand how u can love someone and cheat on them when they r most vunerable. He has completely broken my heart and i am completely isolated and vunerable and penniless without him. I don't know what to do.
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Old 10th October 2014, 04:37 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

I am so sorry about what has happened, and I can fully understand your deep hurt. I honestly think you need to find a good counselor you can go and see on a regular basis, so that you can talk this through, and after that some good marriage counselling together.

Its so important for you to find a way of getting to know others. There are so many things in the UK where you can take a toddler. MY DIL has a 1 year old and before she had to go back to work, she used to go to a mother and toddlers group, a babies singing group and a group at her local library for mums and babies/small children, with many activities for the little one. She didnt know people in her area before this, and she did make some friends. Friends dont make themselves though, you have go go out and make them.
How about trying to get a part time job? It will help you to meet others, get you out of the house, and if there isn't a family member who can look after the baby, there are good nurseries or child minders around. Also there are many things in the evenings such as adult education, choirs, art classes, keep fit, and clubs of all sorts.

Your husband needs to think about setting clear firm boundaries in his dealings with women at work(and elsewhere). IE no one on one time together, no coffees or meals together, no sharing about relationships or anything personal, no texting or phone calls outside work, and anything else you can think of.

You need time to come to terms with this shock. The trust has gone and it will take a long time to rebuild, and he needs to know that. He also needs to know that if anything like this happens again that is it.
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Old 10th October 2014, 12:57 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

It appears to me the trust has been broken and not mended LLM. It is really up to him to work on regaining your trust. This part of the relationship can be broken the quickest but takes the longest to mend. Unfaithfulness is a killer in a marriage. The only way back is sincere repentance from him. I don't know if you have that. After that he really has to work on regaining your trust. It would be a good idea to tell him that if it happens again that is it. I don't think you could take this unfaithful behaviour again. All things being equal if he is up to the above forgiveness would have to happen on your part but this doesn't help the marriage if there hasn't been repentance. I don't really know what stage you are at. Some cannot handle it when adultery has happened and the marriage ends so you have to ask yourself do you want this marriage or not. You have ample grounds to divorce him if that is your choice.
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Old 10th October 2014, 02:00 PM   #4
Littlelostme
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

Thank you for your advice. Yea I think counselling is a good idea- although I'm doubtful it will make a difference as I've tried everything and I can't get my love for him back! I just see her face when I look at him! I dream about it, and think about it from morning until night! I don't think I can just get over this- the pain and deceit is just too deep!
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Old 10th October 2014, 02:15 PM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

Hi LLM,

Did they have a physical relationship or did it just go as far as kissing and an emotional affair?
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Old 10th October 2014, 02:45 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

Its so recent, it will take much much longer for you to come to terms with this.
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Old 10th October 2014, 04:29 PM   #7
ralfgarnett
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

Im sorry to hear this but cheating in any form is gisgusting and not acceptable in any form even if it is full sex, part sex, or just even paasioante kissing not acceptable at all, I have been with my wife 20 years and never once have done anything to be ashamed of not even a drunken xmas snog, trust is important in my book and once broken is like virginity is not retrievable.
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Old 10th October 2014, 09:54 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Cheated on when pregnant - now feel helpless!totally heart broken! advice/ suppor

Sometimes the trust is irretrievable it is true. It depends on the couple. We have had cases on here where repentance had taken place. One husband was asked to leave and really came to solid repentance over it and was accepted back because of that. The main thing is that she was convinced of his repentance and that it wasn't going to happen again. Not every couple are in that place.

If you have no conviction over his repentace which will be shown by the way he now behaves I can't see the way back. The trust is a long way from being recovered as far as I can see. Maybe you cannot recover from his deception as it cut so deep. Nobody would ask you to trust someone who is not trustworthy but some do manage to become trustworthy and then the problem of forgiveness has to be faced. Just papering over these things doesn't work.
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