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Old 26th February 2013, 04:46 PM   #46
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by martin12 View Post
I found this thread when I did a Google search for "wife old boyfriend." I found it interesting because I think my wife might be going through some of the same feelings as mrsc.

S, my wife, was recently contacted through Facebook by D, a man she had a love affair with 34 years ago. S tells me there was no sex with him back them, that I have been the one and only (she is from a conservative south Asian background). D was engaged at the time and ended the affair to marry his betrothed, whom he later divorced. He remarried some years later.

A couple of weeks after S told me about D contacting her, she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage, saying I was not showing her enough love. What complicates matters is that I work in the Middle East and we spend months away from each other. I told her that I was just tired and at my end from being isolated out in the desert. We met for a break soon after that, things went OK and we seemed to have reconciled.

I did look at her computer one day and saw that D had sent messages of "I love you" on her Skype account. I asked her about that and she told me D was just joking but was being very attentive to her - that he said his marriage was dead.

Now we are apart again and I asked her to tell me what was going on. She said she is in touch with D but asked him not to contact her often and that he was unhappy about that. In fact, he wants to meet her. This would be easy for him because he has the time, money and freedom to make the one-hour flight to where we live.

I don't know how to play this. Obviously, I can't watch what she is doing while I am thousands of miles away. I did tell her that he was either being very reckless with all these professions of love and desire to someone he has not seen in 34 years while he himself is married, or he was just manipulating her to get into her pants.
What happened martin12?
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Old 26th February 2013, 04:56 PM   #47
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

A brief update - I have exchanged three texts or so with E since April 2012. Two about camp sites, one birthday greeting. He phoned me in June 2012 to say he was going to be at the same camp site again and hoped it wouldn't be an issue. The phone call was quite difficult as he told me that he is happy with his wife and children now, and made an awkward reference to him and me which made no sense. I saw him at the campsite and I had a drink with him and his wife. I haven't seen him therefore for eight months.

I still miss him dreadfully and it has left me with a sadness that shows no signs of going away. I know he has dismissed me now, which is great really, very useful. He has made little or no contact in 12 months. It makes no difference to how I feel about him however. I don't cry every day now, perhaps just once a fortnight or so. I have made some progress in that I can function at least. At one point I got so low I could not see a way out or any reason to be happy.

It remains the most dreadfully challenging and gut wrenching pain I have experienced and I would not wish it on anyone. It is a grief that is not going away and has deeply scarred me, and affected my personality irrevocably. I utterly dread meeting him ever again, because the fear of the pain and fear of falling back to my obsession are overwhelming and terrifying.

I have changed because of this, changed for the worse. I feel bereft, hopeless, old and jaded, and destroyed by so much pain.
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Old 26th February 2013, 05:51 PM   #48
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

In my opinion you must tell him to stop any contact at all and must never see him again..

How is your own marriage?. Does his wife know about you and him?
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Old 26th February 2013, 06:38 PM   #49
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I think you have done very well in your resolve mrsc.

To me there seems a wrong soul tie there that needs to be broken. I don't know if your are into prayer but I know good places in the UK where you can get help with this. This shouldn't be going on for a whole year.
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Old 26th February 2013, 11:58 PM   #50
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Re: Can't get over my affair

A fantasy romance carries no responsibility. Such a romance is not effected by the day to day minutia of making a living, paying bills, eating dinner together, or living day to day. A fantasy romance doesn't show grey at the temples or show a few extra pounds. An EX-BF can change very much over the years. It is easy to build a memory of someone from years ago into a fantasy life that will fill all the lonely holes in ones' life. It is better to take all that energy and put it into a real person or spend the time to work on a marriage or relationship with a real person.

That pre-occupation with the other person from the past is nothing more than a mind filling obsession that will wither in sunlight. A fantasy love meets no tests of real love in the day to day world. It is better to turn all that energy of concentration into some wonderful project for yourself, as to paint a fine painting or make something you enjoy to do than waste time on a figment of the imagination.

It sounds to me as if this married man is having fun hanging this lady on a string meanwhile pumping up his own ego. She may be his sexual outlet for a fantasy fling as these cybersex relationships serve a real purpose. This internet friendship is a bit like a naughty magazine taken into the John for some men with the lady he strings along on the internet. This man is an emotional cheat who ridicules his wife and child while he plays at being an internet BF for a woman who has an emotional "hole to fill" or is very needy. He will cut that friendship off as soon as it threatenes his happy homelife.

Cutting off all communication is the best thing to do.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th February 2013 at 12:03 AM.
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Old 27th February 2013, 08:43 AM   #51
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Sometimes these youthful love fantasies can be quite strong and endure for years. I was kind of in love with a girl from fourteen upwards. I never went with her. She was really too young then but I always thought of her. I used to carve or draw her initials and mine on things as you do.

When I left school I never saw her again until years later. We used to meet in the lunch hour in a town centre where we both worked. She revealed she was living with someone but I still couldn't shake her off. She represented my youth to me. When I saw her a little later at another house it was obvious that she was sleeping around but that still didn't kill it for me. Looking back I was in a lot of danger and I thank God that the circumstances didn't open up for me. My life would have been ruined. It is completely different from you mrsc but does illustrate that these youthful ties can be quite strong but dangerous as well if it leads you into adultery. I can almost guarantee disaster if this ever opened up for you.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 12:51 AM   #52
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I think you have done very well in your resolve mrsc.

Thanks Raymond - I genuinely appreciate that.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 12:53 AM   #53
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

It sounds to me as if this married man is having fun hanging this lady on a string meanwhile pumping up his own ego. She may be his sexual outlet for a fantasy fling as these cybersex relationships serve a real purpose. This internet friendship is a bit like a naughty magazine taken into the John for some men with the lady he strings along on the internet. This man is an emotional cheat who ridicules his wife and child while he plays at being an internet BF for a woman who has an emotional "hole to fill" or is very needy. He will cut that friendship off as soon as it threatenes his happy homelife.

Cutting off all communication is the best thing to do.
As I said before - there is no internet involved. We have never communicated via the internet. It has been via phone call, some texts and in person. I agree with yoour analysis of his motives though.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 01:10 AM   #54
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Re: Can't get over my affair

The thing is, I know we would not work as a couple, for so very many reasons. I know he is feckless, untrustworthy, childlike, not terribly bright, emotionally immature, lacking in respect, issue ridden and deeply flawed. I don't want to be with him, I don't want to have an affair with him.
What I would love some help with is how to get over the pain of not being with him. He makes me laugh, I connect with him, he is playful, and utterly beautiful to look at. I have known him for nearly thirty years and we share dozens of mutual friends.
It would be impossible to never see him again; our circle is too tightly knit. It may be only once every year or two, but it will happen. One of my very best friends is his wife's first cousin, his best mate is a good friend of mine who regularly stays with me, he plays poker with my daughter's Godfather, so yes, I will see him again.
His wife knows nothing about what happened between us, whereas my husband knows pretty much everything.
I just MISS HIM! Sometimes I just see a photo of him and burst into tears. Nobody has ever had this effect on me before, not like this. I have had dozens of relationships over the last 30 years from several one-night stands through to several engagements and my one, present marriage. Its madness. Its been nearly four years since we rekindled something, and nearly two since we last had any physical contact (a kiss). Not long enough obviously. My sister-in-law went through something similar and she met a lady who founder her crying in the loos at work, who told her she still thinks of someone she had affair with fifteen years previously and it makes her sad.
Maybe I just have to live with the pain permanently, maybe sometimes you just don't fully move on.
I don't regard myself as needy. I am not overtly romantic, I don't like slushy stuff, I am educated and not easily influenced. I am 47 and very self-confident.
Yes of course I realise he is a bit of a pratt and utterly unsuitable as a life partner (for anyone) but I just MISS him. I feel haunted. Thinking about him every day is just so draining, I am exhausted.
Sigh. Its so dull!
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Old 2nd March 2013, 01:33 AM   #55
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I can't thank you all enough however for continuing to provide analysis and help over this. My friends are probably very tired of hearing about the whole sorry business I am sure, and I have long since stopped boring them with it, so its good to have an outlet.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 01:41 AM   #56
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Re: Can't get over my affair

The other thing which may be relevant, if only to rule it out, is that it is not that I am unusually flattered by him. With the huge caveat that of course, I would be more modest in any other setting than this, I am 5'9", with long blonde hair, slim and striking looking. The kind of sterotypical features that most blokes seem to like. I am not unused to male attention and even now at my advanced age of decrepitude, guys flirt with me (it happened on a rare visit to a nightclub last week, much to my husband's amusement). I'm used to it, it's always been like that since I was a teenager. So that's probably not the reason for my reaction to him, which is annoying really because I rather like neat solutions.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 03:19 AM   #57
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

How is yor marriage now? it must be very hard being married to a lady who still desires another person.
Dont allow yourself to dwell on him ever, Every time he comes into your mind, think of all the good things about your husband and be thankful for him. Be thankful that he still wants to be with you after this. Be thankful for the good things that you have in life.

Get rid of that photo that you still have. We can control what we think about. The more you feed this fantasy(because thats what it is) the more it will burn, if you starve it, it will eventually die. Dont let it or this man steal your future.

It makes me very sad that this mans wife is in ignorance, Lies and deceit have no place in marriage.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 04:25 AM   #58
Forever
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Thumbs down Re: Can't get over my affair

I do not know if I should waste my time...but what is the "spirit" behind this obsession? You know...the wanting of that which should not be? Who is behind all of this...the "quest" for the wanting...the having of the forbidden...the fantasy? What spirit drives your obsession?

I am married too...long blond hair, slim and striking to look upon...vivacious, alive, smart and personable...and now...relatively wealthy. Men have always taken a double look at me too, tried to "interest" me in themselves...So why don't I have the same response to those very men who strike me as being very much the same as what I am myself...or even those who are so different than myself?...Really, most of them are absolute scoundrels who dont deserve the time of day...liars and cheats who could not offer a woman anything of lasting value...men who are hollow...without substance or convictions...who tease and drive women to dishonor themselves...men who "hook" one whilst reaching for another.

They see my three carat diamond wedding ring sported on my finger...so why do they still "try"...thinking I might respond to them as you have done to so many? Why do I NOT consider myself as being one who "deserves" so much more than being with the frumpy man that I married, and with whom I am, after all these years...still crazy about in spite of himself? Why don't I fantasize about the "having" of one such particular a$$ of a man as you do?

What is the difference here?

Hmm...maybe the "neat" answer is found in my personal relationship with God...Whom I adore more than myself...more than what I would think that I should want or feel entitled to "take" in this God forsaken world? Maybe I have learned to NOT want that which I should not have...what does not line up with or honor the heart of God? Maybe true contentment is found in the peace which accompanies the pleasure that God gives abundantly to those who will be satisfied in having Him...apart from having anything...or anyone else?

If you have a heart...and if you have even the brains of a sponge...think about using them for what God gave them to be used for...they are not to be used for pining away for what dishonors Him and your husband...they are to be used to "connect" with Him. Ahh, what joy, what bliss...no man can turn my head again...nor steal my heart away to make me unsatisfied.

Last edited by Forever; 2nd March 2013 at 06:07 AM.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 11:26 AM   #59
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

All good answers there on different aspects. It seems to me that your feelings are overriding your will mrsc and are out of control in this matter. It is always dangerous to be lead by feelings. They are helpful motors when we are going in the direction we want but if they betray us then we have to be the master over them. They are good servants but bad masters.

Do you think you would have the courage to tell his wife about this mrsc? That is if he is still making overtures to you. It would bring it out into the open more and would probably help to kill these fantasies you have. Nothing like the exposed truth to kill these things off. Like burning the bridges so to speak? I think if you got that far you would be closer to putting this thing to death. After all it is clearly your enemy and not your friend. It is stopping you leading a fulfilling life with your husband from what I can see. Lusting after something you cannot legitimately have must be a very unsatisfying way to live. He belongs to her and not you. I think it fair that she should be made aware of the dangers.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 02:39 PM   #60
Forever
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Oh I don't know...maybe it is best to let his wife be...let her enjoy the crumbs that drop from his table. Soon enough, he will tire of his attempt to nurture his marriage and will be on to the next quest. One day she will find him out and end up on a Forum such as this one where she might get some solace.

This obsession that mrsc has should not be dropped onto his wife to stink up her life...that would be cruel and accomplish nothing except to rile her to no end...and she may already have an inkling of the type of man he is anyway and be willing to hedge her bets that he will eventually burn out of himself. Many women do just that...look the other way, blame the "other woman" and carry on...only with a heavier burden to bear.

I imagine mrsc thinks that this wanting would be satisfied by the having...but if you look at it from all angles, if she traded shoes with his wife, what would she get in the end?

Ha! E and mrsc sound very much alike to me...being taken in by the forbidden seems much more satisfying than cherishing the real...the legitimate. If he should suddenly become "available", I think this whole thing would lose it's appeal.

I also think that mrsc is after what is elusive...E represents something that is "out there" but which evades her grasp...and she won't be satisfied even if she finally had him, because he is not really what she wants. She wants the wanting.
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