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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:27 AM   #1
barky
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Am I being unreasonable?

Good morning all

I hope that i can find some help here to my problems.
My wife and i got married just over 2 years ago. We love each other very much but we have argued a lot although this could be the end of the honeymoon period coming in to play.

The point of greater concern is that I am currently studying for my ACCA (Accountancy) exams and have been for the past two years. We have also bought a house this year which needs a great deal of renovation a lot of which i have been doing myself to save some money.

I have not had a day off to myself in over six months as either study or house renovations or family enagagements have come in the way.

Anyway, it was late last night and my wife started to list all the things that she wanted to do today such as return some stuff to shops, go food shopping etc... I am on a half day and it seems that whenever i have some free time coming up she manages to fill it as quickly as it becomes available!

I said no last night to doing anything today because to be honest i feel so tired and run down and need some time and space to myself to get my energy back and feel happier.

She got quite upset about this and we went to sleep on a downer not making up properly.

I ma generally a very giving person and always go food shopping with her, help around the house. I'm not lazy.

It could be the way i said it last night but i just want her to understand that i need my own time as well but as we have so little spare time she considers it to be time for us. In order for the time we spend together to be quality i feel like i need to get back to being myself.

Basically, i am very burnt out!

I dont think she considers how much effort i put in to making our lives as good as possible.

Our sex life is not good and i dont feel very in love with her at the moment. She did let me relax last night and i was starting to feel a bit better until she started to list all the things to be done over the next week.
Sometimes, i wish my life wasnt so planned out in to the future.
She likes to be very organised and can be needy at times.
On the flip side, i am not good at expressing emotion and can feel hard done by and can be very stubborn so i am definitely not perfect either!

I hope this doesnt sound selfish because i really try to keep my life balanced but to no avail!

Thanks for reading and hope this makes sense.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:35 AM   #2
Chamomile
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by barky View Post
On the flip side, i am not good at expressing emotion and can feel hard done by and can be very stubborn so i am definitely not perfect either!

I hope this doesnt sound selfish because i really try to keep my life balanced but to no avail!

Thanks for reading and hope this makes sense.
Hi

All you have to do is to explain how exhausted you are and tell her to cut you some slack for the time being. In the meantime, suggest her to list only one or two item per week instead of five or six, spelling out to her that you won't be able to cope with handling with so many "requests" all at once!

What sort of things does she list? Are they mainly social/family obligations or things which you would be able to do e.g. work around the house etc?

What you're asking her is perfectly reasonable. Probably, because you don't tell her what you have been thinking, she doesn't realize you weren't happy with her lists. Just communicate more often and she will understand.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:55 AM   #3
barky
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks for the response Chamomile

I do try to explain that i am tired and exhausted and there is nothing really much deeper than this going on.
When i say this though she over-reacts and says well maybe it's better that we dont spend any time together or maybe if she makes me so tired then should i be with her which is not very understanding i think.

To be honest, she lists everything! If it needs to be done at some point it will be raised.
The other thing is that she is overly-critical of things that i do which makes me nervous about doing things because it's like having a manager look over your shoulder every second, being micro-managed. I think you could also say that she is quite bossy.
There are good points as well just in case you thought i was looking at it all one way.

I have spoken to her this morning and after last night she is now saying that she doesnt have the enthusiasm she did yesterday and doesnt know if she wants to spend the next few days with me! So, now she is saying that she doesnt know if she wants to spend xmas with me - the only few days i have had off this year.

The sad thing is that i could take it or leave it because i just dont have the energy to fight
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Old 23rd December 2011, 12:40 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

barky Her reaction to you trying to explain yourself is rather defensive and immature. Saying that she doesnt want to spend Christmas with you is quite honestly weird.

MY first thought was that you are trying to do far too much. Not having a day off in 6 months isnt good. There does have to be a balance in all things. If you havent got time to spend together, or to spend doing something that you like, just isnt good for you or the marriage. Trying to renovate a house, work on a new marriage, work full time and study is just too much, and something will give. Can you afford to get workmen in to do some of the work in the house? How much longer will the studying take? Can you set aside at least one evening a week to go out with your wife?
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Old 23rd December 2011, 12:46 PM   #5
barky
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Hi Chosen

Thanks for your reply
I agree. I have taken on too much recently and I am trying to slow down the pace.
We have had workmen in over the past month to do some of the work but I still need to get stuff done to keep the work going due to trying to save what little money we have!

My wife has also mentioned that i need to balance my life better in order to feel less run-down which i have acknowledged but at the same time, i feel that where she keeps putting lists and demands down this is counter-active to the advice.

We try to have one day a week for us but recently this has not happened as my exams were not that long ago and took up a lot of time.

Studying should be done in the next 12 months but it's not constant, i am on a break until March now.

I just want her to recognise this and be patient while i get myself back to normal.
I feel really sad and feel as though this xmas will be a washout which makes all my hard work seems even more fruitless

I feel like a discontented worker in an organisation where my concerns are not listened to and now i feel like going on strike! lol...
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Old 23rd December 2011, 12:53 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

You could try the wooden spoon method of communication. (No I dont mean beating her with it ,lol.) You both sit down and each takes turns to speak. The one holding the spoon can talk without interruption, and when they have finished, the other reflects back what was said to them to show that they have understood it. Then you swap over and repeat the process. I think that communication and compromise is what you need, on both sides.
One book that we do recommend here a lot is called 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. Maybe worth a read to find out what both of your love langues are. For example, if hers is quality time, then she will feel unloved and rejected if you dont seem to want to spend time with her. My 2 eldest childen have read it (one married 8 months ago, and one gets married next April) and they found it very helpful.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd December 2011 at 01:00 PM.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 12:58 PM   #7
barky
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks Chosen lol...
We have tried that before and could try it again.

I think if i had a few days hibernation i would feel a lot better so i may just pack some hay in a box and disappear for a day or two lol....
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Old 23rd December 2011, 01:01 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by barky View Post
Thanks Chosen lol...
We have tried that before and could try it again.

I think if i had a few days hibernation i would feel a lot better so i may just pack some hay in a box and disappear for a day or two lol....
Like a tortoise!!!
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Old 23rd December 2011, 05:48 PM   #9
Forever
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Greetings Barky,

What you do NOT want to do is set your future up for being enslaved to your wife's micromanaging of your life. You do not want to give in to unreasonable tantrums and heavy schedules that keep you exhausted in order to please her...she will keep "raising the bar"...thinking you can handle it.

Just do what you think is reasonable and prioritize what needs to be done first. If she is a list maker, have her put what is most important to her on the top of the list and then tell her you will get to it as you feel able to. If her "to do" list for you ends up being twenty feet long...ignore it rather than stress over it.

How you respond now is going to set the motion for years to come and she will have to learn to be sensitive to your needs too. If she wants to pout and become distant and unavailable (holiday or not) or withhold herself then you can use that time for catching up on much needed rest...the world wont come to an end...develop a thicker skin.

If having time together is her priority, then tell her to put it on the top of the list, but tell her that this moves other things down lower. She cannot have it all.

Remind her that you do not treat her that way...that she has the freedom to run her day as she sees fit and that you respect her capacity to know when her plate is too full or when she feels the need for some "down time"...and that you would like to think that the same holds true for you.

Her behavior is very self centered...do not let her get away with this or you will be allowing her expectations to make your life miserable.

Last edited by Forever; 23rd December 2011 at 06:03 PM.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 06:23 PM   #10
Chamomile
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Hi

What does she do apart from being a micro-manager at home?
It sounds like she's got too much time on her hands? Perhaps, you could give her a whole list of "things to do" for her and see how she would react?

We have our "lists" as well but we tend to share the loads not my H being expected to do everything. We share.
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