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Old 28th March 2011, 10:01 AM   #1
Sillyman
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What can I do?

Hi,

My wife threw me out two months ago after discovering I'd had an emotional affair.

The other woman was someone I had a brief relationship with 15 years ago, and we made friends again on Facebook. We swapped flirty messages and texts and also shared friendship for about 18 months. We live 150 miles apart and met once while I was working close to where she lives. There was no sex involved - we spent most of the time talking about our families.

My wife and I have a three-year-old daughter, who I adore.

The background to my married relationship has been difficult. My wife and I work for the same company and do a job share, working until late at night. So when one is working, the other is at home with our little one. Thus, little time together.

Because we had only one full time wage coming in, I've had to do other work to make ends meet. Thus, less time together.

We bickered a lot. I was moody and snapped at her. I also used to like a drink on Saturday nights to wind down - this upset her, but I didn't take on board what she said. I saw it as 'me' time when we should have been enjoying time together.

We also suffered a miscarriage about a year ago, and desperately wanted another child. Despite trying, and my wife having acupuncture to help, it didn't happen.

I have had affairs before. This is my third marriage - first ended after affair with second wife. This relationship started while my wife and I were both in unhappy marriages.

I've spent the time since the split looking deep into myself to discover why I did this. I was unhappy, but desperately wanted my marriage to work. I still do.

I was working so much to get money for a home for us - but neglected my relationship because I was away from it and tired when I was there. This led to a breakdown of intimacy which was filled by my affair.

I dearly love my wife. She is beautiful, funny, clever - and a great mum.

I haven't been in touch with the other woman since my wife found out. And have given my wife passwords to FB, email and mobile phone records so she can see that I haven't been in touch with the OW.

My wife has said she'll never get over this and we are over. I don't want it to be.

What can I do?
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Old 28th March 2011, 10:54 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

sillyman
I do think that you need to look inside yourself as to why you keep acting like this. You cheated on your first wife, you cheated on your second and now you have had this emotional affair with your third. Your wife is not innocent either, she committed adultery with you while you were still married to another lady,and she was married to another man.
I am not sure that you know this, but marriages that start after adultery rarely last, as has been proved in your life. After all you cheated with her on your wife at that time so how can your wife really ever trust that you wont do it to her, and can you ever really trust her, because she too has had an affair with you, cheating on her own husband. Not a good start to any marriage.
It sort of seems strange that she has reacted to strongly over this,when its what she did herself(and far worse)to your second wife and to her husband.


However you have a child, so its worth waiting and being patient and hoping that she changes her mind in time. Its early days yet and she may come round.
Use this time to examine why you cant seem to be faithful and why you have ruined all of your marriages, unless you want to carry on like this for the rest of your life. Flirting isnt acceptable behaviour for a married person, ever.
You cant force her to change her mind but you can just act in an adult way and be a good dad and see what happens.
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Old 28th March 2011, 11:27 AM   #3
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chosen,
Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I've read the stats about relationships failing after they start with cheating. What's funny is I always saw myself as different - didn't admit to myself that what I was doing was wrong. Never learned the old adage - don't do anything you wouldn't do if your partner is there.

I have gone off the rails a bit since we split - smoking again and drinking too often. And I haven't given her enough respect since we split - trying to get back with her when it is such a bad idea right now.

I will now start on a new path. Look after myself for the sake of my wife and daughter (and myself) and take charge of my emotions. Time to be strong.
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Old 28th March 2011, 02:02 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

yes good on you, and stop calling yourself sillyman from now on, and call yourself 'sensible man' lol
You can do this. Treat her with love and respect, let her see that you are repentant and sorry, be the best dad you can and act responsibly. Boundaries are good in a marriage. I have strict boundaries with my behaviour with the opposite sex, such as no meals alone with a man who I am not related to, no long car journeys with another man, no one on one time with another man etc and my husband as well is very strict about these things.
Nearly every marriage in my family has ended because of affairs, mainly with people at work (a danger area) In your case especially I do feel that you need to have strict boundaries with the affairs etc, and the internet is a place that is causing a lot of affairs and marriage break ups these days.
Maybe you even need to come off facebook and similar sites all together.

I hope that things work out for you, and that she will reconsider, and only time will tell, but if you try your hardest, it will give you more chance.It may be worth suggesting marriage counselling?
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Old 28th March 2011, 05:21 PM   #5
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chosen,

Many thanks for the advice.

I'd come to many of the conclusions you have mentioned. Boundaries are there - no one else involved in my life, no situations to cause concern, full disclosure.

I still use Facebook as my work demands it, but everything I do on there is available for my wife to see. As are emails and mobile phone records.

We need to sort out practical things (money, bills, child care arrangements). I don't know how to bring it up as it might seem like I am trying to get out of things, when in fact I want to be right at the centre of my family.

Best bite the bullet!
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Old 28th March 2011, 05:32 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

Let us know how you get on
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Old 28th March 2011, 06:08 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

I can't add to what Chosen has said.

I agree with the repentance and being sorry and humbling yourself (biting the bullet) and asking for her forgiveness. Being completely honest is the best policy and one that should bring her respect.

These old flame relationships seem very dangerous to present marriages. One hears of many marriages being broken up because of them.

I hope you are really able to mend it.
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Old 28th March 2011, 10:16 PM   #8
Sillyman
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Smile Re: What can I do?

Well, we had a text chat tonight after I told my wife we need to sort practicalities.

My daughter was told I'm not living there any more. She understood.

Now the next step. Be a good and responsible dad.

I want to hug my wife and tell her it'll be ok. It will - we'll manage this.

Reckon she'll be responsive to a hug when I see her?
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Old 29th March 2011, 06:22 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

Its hard to say, but may be worth a try. I hope that she isnt going to do anything final at this time, it would be a terrible waste of a marriage.
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Old 29th March 2011, 08:20 AM   #10
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chosen,

Will see what's best when I see her.

I hope she doesn't do anything final either. No mention of the 'D' word - trying not to even think about that.
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Old 29th March 2011, 08:51 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: What can I do?

I don't think you should hug her straight away SM. Repentance and an apology should come first and will be more respectful to her. This cannot be rushed. You have been unfaithful and one hug does not mend this without showing her how sorry you are.
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Old 29th March 2011, 09:17 AM   #12
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Raymond,

Thanks for that. You're right. I need to prove I'm sorry rather than try to force the emotion on her.

Hope the wall between us will come down soon. Miss her.
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Old 29th March 2011, 10:03 AM   #13
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

It's taking every ounce of my energy to not get in touch with her.

There's little room inside me to do anything else, I can't stop thinking about her. Although I need to work.

How do I cope with this loneliness and despondency?

All I can see is months and months of unhappiness.

Any advice?
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Old 29th March 2011, 11:31 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: What can I do?

Sillyman I wonder if it may help for you to write her a letter, telling her your feelings and how sorry you are and how much you love and miss her.
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Old 29th March 2011, 11:38 AM   #15
Sillyman
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Re: What can I do?

Chosen,

It sounds like a good idea. But I'm worried that it'll just be the same old thing that I've already said.

It's only a few days since she made it clear that she'll never get past this and wants to end our relationship.

Just last night we agreed (via text message) to work together for a way forward as regards money, house, childcare etc.

I don't want to try to push after such an emotionally charged few days.

Do you think waiting a while before writing a letter may help?
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