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Old 1st December 2011, 12:30 AM   #2161
Lisabeth
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Yes, I'm from the Uk, Chosen.
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Old 1st December 2011, 07:14 AM   #2162
chosen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

[QUOTE=Lisabeth;67595] Yes, I'm from the Uk, Chosen.[/QUOTE]

Me too, from the South. You?
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Old 14th December 2011, 02:03 AM   #2163
cootsmithson
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi all. <waves> found this forum looking for advice or a sympathetic shoulder? about my marriage problem(s)
I have been with my husband for 18yrs, and we married in 2009.
Our sex life has always been.. difficult. Problems getting an erection.. premature ejaculation.. Although sexually i have never been satisfied.. i basically lived with it. Telling myself it wasnt important, and as long as we loved each other etc..over the years.. ive grown annoyed? angry? Anyway.. for past year we have slept in seperate beds.. with sex on avarage once every 4 months.... its now reached the pretty much NO intimacy of any kind.. NO sex, touching, kissing, cuddling, or talking!.
Im lonely, and the depression is starting to take a hold. I have told him I want to split but he says no..Ive basically been blamed for it all as i dont share a bed with him.. i say i cant share a bed and never do anything.. I want sex.. he doesnt.. and i feel like im turning into a grumpy, bitter person!?
Can a marriage really survive like this without having an affair? I feel guilty for wanting sex. Im 39.... I just dont know what to think or do anymore??

SORRY for the LONG speech folks. SORRY top bore you all to death!
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Old 14th December 2011, 03:04 AM   #2164
chosen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

cootsmithson
Has your husband ever been to get help for the ed etc?He may have low testerone and it can be checked easliy with a blood test. Assuming that he is a similar age to you its very young to have what you have described.
I notice that you very recently married, despite the problems. Have you ever suggested marriage counselling?
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Old 14th December 2011, 09:47 AM   #2165
Raymond
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

It may be worth checking other sexual outlets he may have like porn, private mb etc. These things are known to severely restrict sexual activity in a marriage through a diversion of the normal sexual drive. Hopefully it's not that but I think it's worth ticking off.

Last edited by Raymond; 14th December 2011 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 26th December 2011, 12:43 PM   #2166
Chamomile
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Speak to a solicitor if your h is so unwilling?
Then he won't be able to just keep denying that the problem does not exist.
He sounds like he needs to be forced to face the issue. How so dreadful.
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Old 27th December 2011, 05:31 AM   #2167
sue_nz
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Question Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

BEAR - Thank you so MUCH for posting that - 100% what I am feeling & have been through for the past 5 years and thought I was the only one. He just kept insisting it wasn't me but all I could see was that we could go 7-12 months without sex, then start saying 'we need to make an effort' etc etc but I kept thinking 'WHY should it be an EFFORT?'

We separated in August, I moved out at the end of October (we also sold our house then) and I just keep questioning whether I was hasty - I had 85% of a great marriage, was the rest really THAT big a deal?

People have said 'you're too young (45) to spend the rest of your life like that' but like so many other comments on here, we're like brother & sister -we get on so well, everyone who met us commented on how well suited we were blah blah. We're still each other's best friend.

I sobbed & sobbed reading Bear's posts (still going now) - I just don't know how to tell if our marriage is done & I'm just scared of my future, or it's worth trying again. I know someone is going to haul out the 'only you can tell that' comment but seriously, I don't.

Do I just give myself time to adjust to being alone & re-establish my life as I am? (okay I'm typing that & suspecting I've just answered my own question but your views appreciated anyway lol)

Cheers for 'listening'
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Old 27th December 2011, 11:21 PM   #2168
Forever
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi Sue,

Was wondering if your husband wanted the separation and how that has impacted him?

Sometimes, I think that if we can just get passed the loss and come out of it with an understanding of the ebb and flow of life's disappointments that we can re-group and go forward with graceful resignation and acceptance...capturing the value of all that still remains.

If I had been you, I personally would have remained provided my husband were an otherwise good and affectionate man and not seeking for an immoral outlet while refusing me at the same time...but I am not "only" 45 years old and do not have the same desires that I once did to serve as a subtle reminder of what is missing. We have so many many other ways of showing deep affection and love, and I imagine as couples grow old, this is what is finally left if a person can grow to accept it.

Last edited by Forever; 28th December 2011 at 01:23 AM.
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Old 28th December 2011, 04:25 AM   #2169
chosen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I was thinking the same as forever. Did you husband want to stay with you? Would he be prepared to get help and maybe counselling to work on getting back togather? How is he coping with being alone?
You are in a difficult place because you didnt have that serious event that causes many marriages to end, such as an affair, so you are of course still wondering if you did the right thing. It does sound as if you have such a good relationship with him, and you must be wondering if you will ever find that again with another man.
Was one of the purposes of leaving so that eventually you could meet another man who was keen to have sex? What if you dont? Do you even want to?

I think, like forever, I would have stayed if everything else was good, especially if there was other physical affection apart from sex, but we are all different. Did you ever really find out why he had little interest in that area? Did he ever have a blood test that can tell his testosterone levels? They can give patches now if that is the problem.
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Old 28th December 2011, 08:10 PM   #2170
1aokgal
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I understand very well the kind of marriage you had. I advise you NOT to be scared of the future, and to put this unfulfilling marriage behind. It doesn't sound as if you would ever be happy to "settle for companionship," in place of a normal marital relationship.

You are still young enough, and vital enough, that in time you will find a man who can be the right man for you in all aspects. All men are not broken, as the one you had.

If you stayed, time would have made you an ugly, bitter and disheartened woman, who would blame him for stripping away the life you could have. If you were older, and had ever had a good marriage, and then there were problems, you might make the decision to stay. There are many elements to a good marriage besides sex. One can still love a man passionately, if he were disabled or there were other problems. Your sexual life was never normal so you have no history of what you shared together. When a couple have the memory of wonderful intimate times, it can take them through the later years when sex is not what is was, and other companionship remains. You have years yet, before you should be willing to "make do" for a rooof overhead. Dare to dream of a love that is right, and will come to you in time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 29th December 2011 at 07:46 PM.
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Old 29th December 2011, 08:05 AM   #2171
sue_nz
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Red face Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Reading your responses above, thank you all for taking the time. He is someone who says things in anger, then claims it was 'just the anger talking', that he didn't mean them. I am the sort who, if I say something in anger - meant it, just would have prefered it didn't come out that way, so I find it hard to forget/forgive some of the things he says. It was one of these instances that prompted me to end it. We are both a bit lost at the moment.

It's not even 'just' that we didn't have sex anymore, it's that he stopped showing affection - maybe because he thought I'd think 'oh he wants sex" ?? He refused to speak to a counsellor, even though we had had a very positive counselling course when I first moved in, in learning to deal with a young family. I don't understand him but suspect I need to mentally let him go - I sort of feel I should do a pros & cons list (doesn't that sound awful!) but suspect I already know which side the balance will tip to. ARRRRGGGHH
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Old 29th December 2011, 08:00 PM   #2172
1aokgal
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Dear Sue..

Would you be shocked to hear that many of these men have secrets never shared with a spouse, that takes the toll on the intimacy in marriage? Many men have porn fantasties either by internet or activities. Some are not completely heterosexual and live with other outlets unknown to a wife. Some men will use the marital bedroom to extract justice for perceived "wrongs" by the his partner. They control, hold hostage, and "cut off" sexuality when a wife is seen as a competitor, overbearing, controlling or too powerful in the marriage and threaten that mans' sexuality.

The emotional baggage that can be carried by a "broken man" can be a composite of some of the above. In most cases where intimacy just stops, a women will never discover what happened. Many of these marriage will go on with unresolved secrets for years.

A woman who remains in such a marriage can often become dysfunctional because she internalizes the rejection as her fault or she feels she is no longer attractive. She may no longer instigate any intimacy. These patterns have a very poor record of treatment for the male in counselling as emotional issues can take years to probe and change. The damage is done to the marriage. I think often a wman will choose to leave such a damaging relationship. I think you are wise to put this marriage behind and work on your own confidence issues to have a successful relationship in future.
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Old 30th December 2011, 05:25 AM   #2173
sue_nz
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

and yet he claims he likes strong women ! lol Not shocked, know about that side of his online viewing 'likes' - didn't have an issue when it was additional to our sex life but gradually it became instead of. Nail on the head !!
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Old 30th December 2011, 06:41 AM   #2174
chosen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

sue
thats often what causes the lack of sex in marriage. Porn use is always devastating to any marriage. It stops the man from being able to be aroused by normal sex with his wife. Even when you did have sex, he was probably thinking about the images of the other women, and thats horrible. I am amazed that you were OK with him looking at it, because it is evil and will just suck him further and futher down. Nothing will change until he stops. It breaks up marriages and destroys lives. There is no way that I could or would accept any man I was with looking at porn. He is being unfaithful to his promises to you by using the other women for sexual release.
I think that seperating is sensible, and one condition of you ever getting back together(if you do) must surely be that the porn use stops completely.
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Old 31st December 2011, 02:00 PM   #2175
Raymond
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I always cringe when wives allow porn knowing that it can lead to a mental adultery. I believe it should always be confronted and although it is a little late Sue that is what you need to do. You have learned the hard way it seems but have at least learned. If he still carries on even after confrontation then things do not bode well. You have to accept a little responsibility here but if he doesn't listen to you now then he is totally at fault.
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