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Old 4th March 2013, 01:34 PM   #61
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
How is yor marriage now? it must be very hard being married to a lady who still desires another person.
Dont allow yourself to dwell on him ever, Every time he comes into your mind, think of all the good things about your husband and be thankful for him. Be thankful that he still wants to be with you after this. Be thankful for the good things that you have in life.

Get rid of that photo that you still have. We can control what we think about. The more you feed this fantasy(because thats what it is) the more it will burn, if you starve it, it will eventually die. Dont let it or this man steal your future.

It makes me very sad that this mans wife is in ignorance, Lies and deceit have no place in marriage.
Thanks Chosen. Some valid points I think. My marriage is ok - better than most couples I know. We have spent hours and hours at Relate, and communicate well. We have a busy household with four children aged between 2 and 19 and we manage that as a team. He is a stellar individual and the singularly most amazing man I have met. He is not faultless of course, and during the two months I was seeing E in 2009 it transpired he had been talking to women over the internet in cybersex chat rooms for up to 15 years. So we both had stuff to work on, and we did. he spent a year in therapy which was very painful for him, and he was brave to go through it. I am not passionate about my husband, I have never really found him very physically attractive, but that has improved hugely over the last five years or so.

Contrary to what seems to be thought here, I don't want to be with, or even see, the other fella. I have made no move to contact him, I keep no keepsakes (his photo pops up on Facebook every now and again through his wife). He would make an utterly dreadful husband (as he clearly does although his wife doesn't know the half of it) and I would never consider him a suitable match for anyone, and certainly not me.

I just miss him.

No I would never tell his wife about his affairs. I concur that he SHOULD, but of course he won't. I would not want to be responsible for putting his two children in the fall out from that, and she does not deserve any kind of pain. They have been married for 19 years, and although I know she is unhappy (she constantly says so) it is for him to be brave enough to face his demons (no chance).

I have always been interested in the character of Orsino from Twelfth Night, who is drawn and motivated by the wanting, rather than the object of his affections, which shifts very easily. I think I can relate to that very well, although it has never happened before.
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Old 4th March 2013, 01:51 PM   #62
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by Forever View Post
I do not know if I should waste my time...but what is the "spirit" behind this obsession? You know...the wanting of that which should not be? Who is behind all of this...the "quest" for the wanting...the having of the forbidden...the fantasy? What spirit drives your obsession?

I am married too...long blond hair, slim and striking to look upon...vivacious, alive, smart and personable...and now...relatively wealthy. Men have always taken a double look at me too, tried to "interest" me in themselves...So why don't I have the same response to those very men who strike me as being very much the same as what I am myself...or even those who are so different than myself?...Really, most of them are absolute scoundrels who dont deserve the time of day...liars and cheats who could not offer a woman anything of lasting value...men who are hollow...without substance or convictions...who tease and drive women to dishonor themselves...men who "hook" one whilst reaching for another.

They see my three carat diamond wedding ring sported on my finger...so why do they still "try"...thinking I might respond to them as you have done to so many? Why do I NOT consider myself as being one who "deserves" so much more than being with the frumpy man that I married, and with whom I am, after all these years...still crazy about in spite of himself? Why don't I fantasize about the "having" of one such particular a$$ of a man as you do?

What is the difference here?

Hmm...maybe the "neat" answer is found in my personal relationship with God...Whom I adore more than myself...more than what I would think that I should want or feel entitled to "take" in this God forsaken world? Maybe I have learned to NOT want that which I should not have...what does not line up with or honor the heart of God? Maybe true contentment is found in the peace which accompanies the pleasure that God gives abundantly to those who will be satisfied in having Him...apart from having anything...or anyone else?

If you have a heart...and if you have even the brains of a sponge...think about using them for what God gave them to be used for...they are not to be used for pining away for what dishonors Him and your husband...they are to be used to "connect" with Him. Ahh, what joy, what bliss...no man can turn my head again...nor steal my heart away to make me unsatisfied.
Forever - I am glad you have a faith which makes you happy, but I do not. I don't even know anyone of my friends who goes to church, and my Mother is an active in the Humanist movement, so, its not really in our world. Thanks though.
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Old 4th March 2013, 03:47 PM   #63
Forever
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Hmm...
Yes, I know what you mean...my mother said that to me too ("glad your faith makes you happy"). She also is humanistic... worships the creature rather than the Creator...her poodles and poodle friends...her "stuff". I did not have any family or friends who had any sort of faith in God either...for years. So I suppose you could say that I stepped "outside the box" and ventured out on my own to find out what others I had met along the way found so enticing...why they were so enamoured with Someone so seemingly unseen...and yet so often poorly represented.

I wish you well and hope you find a way to put this to rest...to be content. Part of that may be to learn to only want what you can/should have...never want something that makes your spirit question the morality of the "pull"...our brains are connected to our emotions...garbage in garbage out ect...it would be nice if you could just pull that memory stick out and throw it in the trash where it belongs.

I am glad to see that you have consideration for E's wife...that is truly sweet and noble of you.

Kindest Regards
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Old 4th March 2013, 03:58 PM   #64
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsc View Post
Thanks Chosen. Some valid points I think. My marriage is ok - better than most couples I know. We have spent hours and hours at Relate, and communicate well. We have a busy household with four children aged between 2 and 19 and we manage that as a team. He is a stellar individual and the singularly most amazing man I have met. He is not faultless of course, and during the two months I was seeing E in 2009 it transpired he had been talking to women over the internet in cybersex chat rooms for up to 15 years. So we both had stuff to work on, and we did. he spent a year in therapy which was very painful for him, and he was brave to go through it. I am not passionate about my husband, I have never really found him very physically attractive, but that has improved hugely over the last five years or so.

Contrary to what seems to be thought here, I don't want to be with, or even see, the other fella. I have made no move to contact him, I keep no keepsakes (his photo pops up on Facebook every now and again through his wife). He would make an utterly dreadful husband (as he clearly does although his wife doesn't know the half of it) and I would never consider him a suitable match for anyone, and certainly not me.

I just miss him.

No I would never tell his wife about his affairs. I concur that he SHOULD, but of course he won't. I would not want to be responsible for putting his two children in the fall out from that, and she does not deserve any kind of pain. They have been married for 19 years, and although I know she is unhappy (she constantly says so) it is for him to be brave enough to face his demons (no chance).

I have always been interested in the character of Orsino from Twelfth Night, who is drawn and motivated by the wanting, rather than the object of his affections, which shifts very easily. I think I can relate to that very well, although it has never happened before.
Has he had more than one affair? If I were her, I would definately want to know that I had been lied to, cheated on and decieved. His children too will be suffering through having a father with no moral values or integrity, and its likely that they wll carry on in his footsteps. Even if neither she nor they know, it will still affect them, as these things do.
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Old 4th March 2013, 04:28 PM   #65
Forever
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Re: Can't get over my affair

"I just miss him".

Maybe what you miss is not him per se...but the attraction to what is attractive? Not to worry...most of that is simply hormones at work...something which will eventually disappear as age works its final magic. He makes you laugh...hmm...maybe he is a happy bloke with not a care in the world...unlike your husband who is busy with you, four kids, a job and beating down his own demons? Try YouTube...lots of funny commedians there to enjoy and make a person laugh too.

Not too physically attracted to your man? Try taking a stroll through the Cancer Ward of any hospital...try NOT viewing a person as just another slab of meat...take a peek under the surface of any person who comes into your view...including yourself.

I don't know...but there are many men "out there" who could probably make me much "happier" than the one I already have...the one who shares the often dull everydayness with me...the one who does not have the energy to flip cartwheels to keep on impressing me...such as those who are trying to line up their next conquest would do...those who gets their special energy and spark from taking what belongs to another...those who gives laughs to another whilst depriving their own unhappy wife of them. You took what was hers once upon a time. I am glad to see your stuggle to get him out from under your skin...to break the soul bond that was never yours to cherish.

Ahh, you are nothing more to E than another "notch" in his belt...he is nothing more than a mirage...a cloud without rain...a poor substitute for a deeper pool to dive in...such as the one in your own back yard. I feel sorry for his wife...their children. But I also know that as bad an example that he will turn out to be when the lid finally blows off, they can learn from his lack or character just as they could from a sterling one. I know I did...sometimes we learn right from wrong by the things we suffer.

Last edited by Forever; 4th March 2013 at 08:59 PM.
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Old 4th March 2013, 06:44 PM   #66
1aokgal
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I miss my husband of 33 years when he is away at a work assignment. There were probably a lot of men who could have taken his place for a few hours in an afternoon sexual escapade but no one else who cares about my comfort or who labors with our needs in his mind. when he rolls up his sleeves to do his hard and sometimes dangerous works he does it out of love for me.

Others do not have that thought, but spend unfettered time and get out when the deed is done. Hard to miss a man who would not visit in the hospital when a woman is ill or care if she is hurt. My husband came at 5Am, before his job years ago, to visit me in the hospital. . He came to help me and reassure me, in the light of dawn, before his working day. Can you see a lover who would do that?

What can someone miss about a man who is not there during the real moments that count in life? Was your lover there when you delivered the children or had to get up with them at night? Love is a choice one makes. Loving another with a feeling of "missing him" is more what is missing inside of you. It is the space inside where moral decisions are supposed to be. While you long for another man, your husband does the nurturing duties to care for his family. It seems he does these things thanklessly and lonely, while you shut yourself off to concentrate on someone else. Truly, that is not love. That is an obsession and fantasy.

I wonder how 4 children happened, when you do not find your husband physically attractive? Is there something he needs to do to change the negatives as weight loss or something?

You will lose the heaven you have right in your hands with your marriage, as you tune out the husband who does everything for you. True, the affair now in your mind, is a mirage. It is also the ego and immaturity that a woman can't be forever "in love with love" but must have the character to be a woman of substance. How can you mold your children in life when you are so lost? It is sad that the daily moments of your life are lost for wishing for some dream. I say there is too much time on your hands for this fantasy life.

One need not be religious to know leading a double life is deception and immoral! Put an end to the day dreaming and appreciate the good man you have. If he is not all you want him to be, clean him up and teach him what you want him to do. Men love to be desired and needed.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th March 2013 at 08:55 PM.
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Old 5th March 2013, 08:46 AM   #67
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

We all know you do not want him mrsc. The problem is in getting your feelings to follow suit. You must have a word with them.

Could it be something to do with your husband's previous unfaithfulness? Fifteen years is a long time.

Perhaps you valued E's attention seeing as your husband's attention was elsewhere at the time? That can be powerful. For somebody to think we are great in that way even if we don't really want them can be quite flattering.

Last edited by Raymond; 5th March 2013 at 12:40 PM.
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Old 19th March 2013, 06:11 AM   #68
jacques
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Hi mrsc,

I know exactly what your going through, slap a skirt on me and we would have just about the same story. I had an emotional affair with a friend of my wife 3 years ago for 3 months, no sex just kissing and here I am 3 years on and I still think about her daily. Not seeing her is not an option either as we share friends and our kids are friends and we live close together.....just a nightmare.

I have tried everything so if you discover some way to stop thinking of the bloke let me know and I'll try it on my mistake.
Thing is I love my wife dearly and she adores me, our kids are great and these emotions threaten all that. It was and never will be worth it but try telling that to my heart.

So far the only thing that as looked like working was when I don't see her for a while, I tend to think of her less the less I see her, but then I run into her or there is a get together and BAM back to square one.
I never wanted to cheat and neither did she, but a million things all lined up and before either one of us knew it it had happened.

I can tell from your posts that your very strong and logical, and something like this must be eating you up inside (I know it is eating me up). Only thing I could offer is life is really short and it would be sad to wake up one day and realise you missed years of it over some fantasy / dream. I'm trying to keep that in mind myself.

Best advise I can give anyone is stay away from people your attracted too because they might feel the same!
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Old 19th March 2013, 04:41 PM   #69
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

jacques, the best thing you can do is to move your family away or stop going to things where she will be. Does your wife or her husband know what happened?.If not, how can you live with that deception? I know that I couldnt.
Not sure I can go with that old story of 'we never meant for it to happen'. It went on for three months, and wasnt just a 'one off' mistake. Plenty of time for one of you to realise your mistake and stop it.I wouldnt call a relationship where there was physical contact just emotional either. Kissing is very intimate.
Yes have good strong boundaries with the opposite sex, no time alone ever.
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Old 20th March 2013, 07:26 AM   #70
Lies
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I had some issues with my ex boyfriend as well, and went for it, whilst I was drunk :s. Didn't work out very well. My boyfriend never knew, but my feeling wasn't right although I never did anything or felt anything for my ex boyfriend after this...

We are no longer together...
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Old 6th June 2013, 07:37 PM   #71
twintower
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Re: Can't get over my affair

mrsc

This is my situation to a T, down to every last detail...so sad to hear your voice through your messages...it is me exactly...how are you today?
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