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Old 27th December 2011, 10:11 AM   #226
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM, how are you, not heard from you in a little while. You think I'm doomed right? Lol x
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Old 27th December 2011, 10:14 AM   #227
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Did your husband know you met up with this other person for a coffee? Was blocking him your idea, or did your husband have to insist on it?

Reason I ask is that while you may have felt vulnerable and/or threatened by what your husband did when he tried to meet up with that other woman in Scottland just prior to marriage...he may have felt that what you did was worse being you were already married to him by then.

We never seem to think of our own behavior as being quite as bad as the others do we?

So he wants out because he thinks that you will likely do this again in the future? He does not believe you would not have taken it to another level had you been more attracted to that guy?

Whew, if you had been married ten years or so and had more history and established a greater bond, then perhaps he would have been more attached and willing to fight for the marriage. Also, he was already doing his own share of flirting shortly before marriage which means he was not too certain if you were "the one" for him in the first place...but he went ahead with the wedding anyway.

You both blew it...but he has less tolerance than you do/did...and this is the result...plus all the fighting did not help him think that he did not make a terrible mistake on many levels.

It is almost 2:00 am now...I will be praying for an answer to see if I can offer something as a possible solution for the two of you in the morning.

Hugs
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Old 27th December 2011, 10:31 AM   #228
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

Hi. I'm good thanks - very well rested!

I think there's a lot going on, gone on, that's made the foundation of your relationship very weak.

At the moment you're not sure what's going on in his head - but naturally your reactions are driven by your emotions and what they are telling you that you want.

TBH I wonder if separation might be the best thing for you. This is doing neither of you any good - and you are wondering what he's up to all the time. You need to be clear of that worry to be able to decide what happens next.

I don't think you're doomed - but you maybe have to face the fact there is no going back.

SM
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Old 27th December 2011, 10:53 AM   #229
Chamomile
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Hi bandit

I'm actually surprised that you didn't discover any evidence when you found out a number of texts he had on his mobile.

Without evidence of actual incriminating texts with another women, then all these speculations are merely the product of paranoia or confusion between reality and fantasy (schizophrenia). Let's not go down there.

Forever does appear to have a very rich flight of imagination about your h and his life: I believe she's a highly talented lady but these are all speculations at the moment. Wouldn't it be dangerous to accuse someone of EA until you find any concrete evidence? He says he doesn't love you but maybe, you might want to find out as to why he's feeling that way before you quickly shift the blame to his EA which you hadn't found any proof whatsoever?

You're the only one who is in touch with the reality. Perhaps your h and you might want to try to discuss things calmly at this stage? Things he may tell you can be your wake up call.
After all, he's still your h, any internet forums cannot replace an honest talk with your h face to face. Unless you talk now, he would be gone by the time you finished the book. Just my tuppence..xx
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Old 27th December 2011, 10:53 AM   #230
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Like I said, there has been trust and insecurity issues, I never hid that from anyone and faults on both parts.

Yes he does know I met the guy for coffee.

I guess like he says, he is just fed up with "us" and all the issues we have and finds it easier to move on than sort out, I get that now.

Thank you all for your support, I very much feel like the villain now

Right, got to drag myself out this bed, let the "show" begin for another day.
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Old 27th December 2011, 10:57 AM   #231
Chamomile
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Lisa,


I think there's a lot going on, gone on, that's made the foundation of your relationship very weak.

At the moment you're not sure what's going on in his head - but naturally your reactions are driven by your emotions and what they are telling you that you want.

TBH I wonder if separation might be the best thing for you. This is doing neither of you any good - and you are wondering what he's up to all the time. You need to be clear of that worry to be able to decide what happens next.

I don't think you're doomed - but you maybe have to face the fact there is no going back.

SM
Hi

I think you're probably saying the same thing as I have.
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Old 27th December 2011, 11:00 AM   #232
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Well it seems I have no hope at all then, which makes me very sad
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Old 27th December 2011, 12:10 PM   #233
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

well have just told him my phone is an open book to him should he want to look, just in case he was insecure in that way. I know some of you will think me foolish, but it was important for me that he knows that. He said its nothing to do with him anyway, but still I am glad I said it.
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Old 27th December 2011, 02:04 PM   #234
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

am finding things really really difficult. Trying to follow this book and be jolly old me is a killer am missing hugs and kisses so much
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Old 27th December 2011, 02:15 PM   #235
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

It's a tough time for you. Keep putting your thoughts on here - best to get them out rather than keep them in.

Off to see my little one. So excited. :-)

SM
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Old 27th December 2011, 02:24 PM   #236
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Thanks SM, I know it seems like I am swinging all over the place and I really am. I hope I get to a much better place very soon. So pleased for you, going to see your Daughter, have a wonderful time with her xx
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Old 27th December 2011, 03:41 PM   #237
chosen
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Re: Do I have any hope?

bandit its a very emotional time for you, so your emotions swinging about is normal.
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Old 27th December 2011, 04:18 PM   #238
1aokgal
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Re: Do I have any hope?

There was an article this last years with statistics gathered from lawyers in the US. Facebook was mentioned in 50% of the newly filed divorce interviews as a central reason of discord in the marriages.
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Old 27th December 2011, 05:18 PM   #239
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

No, absolutely no reason to feel like a villian here. I ask ALOT of questions because I do not like to speculate...need to get a clearer picture of what has been happening from the beginning. Making appointments with counselors would have taken months and months just to get half the information we have had to consider in less than a week.

Keeping his phone so close is typical behavior of someone who is involved on some level with another...however, it could have been him having a support system in place. Who knows...I for one, would have loved to have gotten ahold of it to see for sure either way...but that is a moot point now.

This marriage, while you had great hopes for it, seems much to me like a tragic miscarriage due to mistakes on both sides. It is just that if there is too much drama after the wedding, he may have started to wonder why he signed up for a lifetime of it. He may have found it too hard to get through the adjustment period. Or maybe he went into it on the rebound and and then regretted it later.

You are both in your forties, it is too bad that there had not been more emotional maturity and stability in place to help with the transition.

I truly believe if he leaves, he will never return Sweetheart, so it would be a good idea to try and maintain control over your outward emotional behavior while he is still there. What good would having a series of meltdowns do to convince him that he should stay and try?

You can come on here and we will support you, but I myself cannot see any light through this fog anymore, but then, I am no authority here. Maybe someone else has some hope to offer?

Last edited by Forever; 27th December 2011 at 05:43 PM.
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Old 27th December 2011, 06:10 PM   #240
1aokgal
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever...

I see it as you do here. I'm amazed the lady got involved with this guy in the first place, to be honest. His history was very poor. Then the two texting, and her actually meeting that person for coffee, after she married, tells me that these 40's people are very immature. No wonder that marriage went into meltdown!

One doesn't have texting, calling, meeting, after marriage! The new marriage should be on such a high, a person hardly climbs out of the marital bed in the morning, let alone texting another! Maybe all marriage prospects should have to take a pass/fail questionaire prior to marriage? That might have ruled out this often, but reluctant husband. Maybe Bandit would have failed the "mindset" part, where it asks "Are you sure he is the right man for a life committment?" Many churches conduct pre-marital classes and I think that is a great idea.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th December 2011 at 07:08 PM.
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