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Old 26th December 2011, 12:26 AM   #181
Sillyman
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

If you think he is, you must know - put it on the line to him. He is living in your house, and if he's doing that, you must be told. Then you must decide.

He's taking your hospitality. If he's a cheat, he must be told it has to stop or he goes straight away. No double life.

Lay down the law.

Sm
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Old 26th December 2011, 01:23 AM   #182
1aokgal
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Put that book in the bedside table. Think what you want to have for your life. Do you want to play, a part because a book says you should be different than you really are? Do you want to cloak his activities for his daughter when he thought nothing of his daughters' feelings when he ends ANOTHER marriage?

He goes from one wife to the next. They call that "serial monogamy." Meaning when things get dicey in the marriage, too much responsibility or things aren't like new, it is time to hunt for another. Was he divorced when YOU met him or does he start hunting while he is still married? Sometimes a man will be the hunter to maintain his feeling he is in control. Some men can never settle with one woman. it is sex or it means he has to keep it fresh as his ego needs new excitement.

Don't play the games and jump through all those silly hurdles. Just get it out in the open. If he was still married when you met, it is likely that is how he hunts. It is time you got to the truth. Any chance you can look at his phone and texts?

I'd call that marriage over and deal with what you need to do to make a better life. No woman should have to pretend to be someone she is not. Your husband should love and accept who you are. It is not about you trying to be someone else to keep it together. After this short time he sleeps in the other room? That is totally unacceptable. You have been played by a womaizer, in my opinion. Sorry...I am blunt. He's texting, he is saying he doesn't love you enough? Good, gosh. That is a nightmare. See it for the plain truth and do what you need to do.

It is pretty awful to face the truth of where you are at this time. It is not the end of your life.
You have to ask more for your life than he can offer you. That guy is broken. Don't try to fix him.
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Old 26th December 2011, 05:09 AM   #183
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

If he is up to no good, you will find out if he leaves in spite of you following the book and doing all you can on your end.

It is Christmas, surely he has children as well as family and friends who wish to contact him and vice versa?

The thing I hate about texting is the level of privacy that it gives which excludes a spouse who is otherwise feeling insecure. I suppose you can track the texts and find out if you suspicious about what he has been doing...but why woud you mistrust him regarding that issue?

Honestly, a cheating spouse (whether an emotional affair or a physical one) would NEVER admit to it...so asking is not productive for getting to the truth unless a guilt party would actually want to make sure that their spouse understands just how OVER it really is. Then, that would be the last open and defiant stand they could do to ensure that they dont have to listen to any more pleading or give any such false hope. Such a person would already have moved to another place unless they are totally dependant...he does not seem to be dependant unless he is just waiting for his daughter to have had her stay for appearance sake.

It just does not add up to me that he would be that sloppy.

Last edited by Forever; 26th December 2011 at 05:19 AM.
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Old 26th December 2011, 05:17 AM   #184
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit0000 View Post
Well I have asked him to be fair and honest and tell me if he is in contact with anyone else, as it is not fair on his daughter to bring her here if he is. Thats probably wrong of me to do, but I have limits. Book or no book I need to know.
What did he say???
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Old 26th December 2011, 05:33 AM   #185
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

well , I text him that asking him when he went to bed as really did not want an argument, just wanted to say what i wanted to say and leave it at that. I was n't accusing, just asking, but I have not yet had a reply. Maybe his phone is on charge. I did think that, surely he would n't sit in front of me and text right in my face? I do need to know though, but am not prepared to look at his phone, been there, done that and that is one of the issues he had, my insecurities.
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Old 26th December 2011, 08:49 AM   #186
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Please correct me if I am wrong...I recall you saying that in the beginning, there were some flirtatous incidents on both of your parts in regards to others? Is that the cause of your insecurity (and his)...or is there something more about him that makes you to feel that way? Maybe the fact that he can just dump what is supposed to be a "forever committment" without looking back frightens you? Yet you knew that about him from the beginning...so why did you permit yourself to think it could be any different with you than it had been for his ex wives? Did you think their supposed unfaithfullness was the full extent of the reason for his prior divorces, rather than his tendency to run from turmoil? Maybe it was both...and you are experiencing the latter.

You know, this forum is designed to try and save marriages from the ravages of circumstances and influences that could tear it apart. I am of the opinion and hope that regardless of what is going on (outside of adultery), there might be a way to salvage it and make it more stable...but others may see something else. Every once in awhile, it is obvious that a marriage is dead in the water...I just do not see that in your case yet.

The problem with micromanaging his every thought and deed is that you may be reading more to it than there is to be concerned with...and thereby complicate things further. In that case, I would be of the opinion that sometimes it is best to do what you can to bring harmony and stability and just wait it out and see what happens. What would you have to lose by doing that...another month or two?

Given his recent statement that he wants his freedom but has not yet indicated that he could be starting having second thoughts (you dont even give him a chance to get to that point without injecting questions or making comments about the relationship), how long is your capacity for waiting? Dont you think it has been a bit too soon to know what might happen if you could just calm down long enough to see what he will do or by giving ample time to see what he may or may not have been up to?

Do you suspect him of foul play so heavily that waiting it out is no longer possible? How will you know if you do not give it the time and effort to see it to its natural ending, rather than facilitating the demise of the marriage based on pure fear or speculation?

You are treading on thin ice now because somewhere along the line, you have developed a large measure of insecurity and fear. What did he do (specifically) to bring that into your life...besides not being able to handle a measure of normal marital conflict? Remember, he has a very low tolerance for emotional turmoil...this is not likely going to change until he understands it and adopts other ways to properly deal with it rather than by running from one relationship into another.

Perhaps you also have your tolerance...maybe you need a man who is far more stable than he is as had been suggested...or maybe you need to learn how to put yourself in his shoes and weather the storm in hopes of better days as well as clearer boundaries in a better emotional climate. How would you describe your ability to have that kind of patience?

Last edited by Forever; 26th December 2011 at 09:20 AM.
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Old 26th December 2011, 10:13 AM   #187
Chamomile
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Remember, he has a very low tolerance for emotional turmoil...this is not likely going to change until he understands it and adopts other ways to properly deal with it rather than by running from one relationship into another.
Hi

Well, we really don't know the guy do we (in italics)?
I'm hoping that bundit isn't feeling as if she were chased into a corner...
Hope your gorgeous flower is still going well, Forever?

It is probably true that he didn't choose any better time to break such awful news to her. So she has my sympathy. It does sound like they both had EA for a bit in the past but issues are still not quite resolved?

Lisa, If you're not very confident in communicating with him to work things through various issues, then therapy might be an option?

Have a nice Boxing Day xx
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Old 26th December 2011, 01:26 PM   #188
Helen_uk
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Re: Do I have any hope?

I don't think asking him via text is a good idea. I know you don't want another row, but asking him face to face doesn't mean there has to be one.

Texts are far too easy to ignore ( he can pretend he never received it etc ).

If you're 100 % sure you want to know. Ask him.

Bear in mind he may have been texting family , friends, his daughter ( it is Christmas after all ) , normally if something is going on they have their mobiles stuck to them like glue ( in case you decide to check them ) and on silent ( so they can text from secret hidey holes like the bathroom without you hearing ) . If he is blatantly texting another woman and the content is sexual then yes you rightly deserve to be upset , considering he's using your house as a lodging house at the moment.
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Old 26th December 2011, 05:22 PM   #189
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

I think he is guarding his phone, but I may be paranoid
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Old 26th December 2011, 05:47 PM   #190
1aokgal
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Re: Do I have any hope?

The fact is this..if a husband is honest and above reproach, he would hand you the phone and say, "I have nothing to hide and here are my calls." Then you could apologize IF you were paranoid.

You are not paranoid. You are intuitive enough to see he is secretive and closed off. This week he already told you he wants out. That is pretty clear. I'm sorry, but what part of OUT is not coming clear? He has already made a decision. Anything you do means nothing. Men don't make such a statement without finality. It is not up for discussion. His actions have finality.

Was he still married when the two of you met? If so, that is another reason to know he moves on before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers. Whether he is texting or not, dosen't matter. That fact dosen't matter. What matters is he made a decision and just biding time there.

He hasn't been honest..and he won't be now, I think.
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Old 26th December 2011, 06:23 PM   #191
Chamomile
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Hi

So it sounds like you're now wondering if someone else might be lurking in the background? I agree with 1AOKGAL, women have our intuition to detect lies!!

I just went back to op where it says, "H is not willing to participate in counseling", which is usually an indication for a poor prognosis.... It's kinda harder to work on marriage when one wants to and the other wants to call it quits.

Shame that he sounds to me that he's so quick to throw away another (3rd) marriage as if it's just another problem to get rid of.

He has had a very unstable family background. Not everyone who has had a very unstable background would go on having various problems later on in their life but in his case, I do wonder............

It is such a short marriage as well. Might be best not to expect a miracle from this man and move on when you're able to.

xx
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Old 26th December 2011, 06:24 PM   #192
chosen
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Re: Do I have any hope?

If him texting is normal behaviour, then there may be nothing wrong. It sounds as if you both text quite a lot normally, and it would seem weird for him to text another woman in front of you. I cant imagine texting others all day and just not telling the other who it is. Seems strange to me.
If there is someone else then you will find our soon enough I suppose, but as you say, you wouldnt want him to stay if there was, and that is understandable.
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Old 26th December 2011, 06:45 PM   #193
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

and he did ignore my text asking if he was text
ing anyone.
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Old 26th December 2011, 06:51 PM   #194
Helen_uk
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Thing is Lisa, he's told you the marriage is over. As far as he's concerned that means it's no longer your business- except it's YOUR house !

I'd ask him face to face if it were me and I really did want to know. He can't really ignore that . If he kicks off then remind him that you are still married and it's courtesy not to do it a ) in your house and b) in front of you . Don't get drawn into an argument , it's an honest enough question.
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Old 26th December 2011, 07:45 PM   #195
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

The book already pre-supposes that the marriage is in deep trouble and that one person is declaring that he wants out. Regardless, if the other spouse really wants to save the marriage...even if there is/was an affair of some sort going on, then directions are given for that instance. Your call.

If your husband is indeed guarding his phone, he may be in the middle of having at least an emotional affair...or... it could be your imagination...you need to think hard about if his phone "guarding" is really new behavior for him.

If you are following directions, then it was imperative that you see nothing, ask nothing, and say nothing. This is so that you can see where he takes it and if there will be anything left standing at the end of the day when you are on your best behavior. If you are being double minded and saying "you are free to go" yet then turning around and trying to make him accountable for your suspicions...well, then you are contradicting and causing him to keep his guard up.

If this relationship has been packed full of insecurity and suspicions from the very beginning (not just in your imagination)...I would have to agree that you will need to truly disconnect yourself and truly let him go.

This man is a runner (like his father)...best for you to let him...you do not have to be someone different...just more in control of your own emotions and dignified...and honestly, you should be anyway. He is going to either keep running or he might see something unexpected in you (confidence) that would make him pause and give it more thought depending on how you respond...or depending on if he already has another woman on the side (if it turns out that he does, I would kick him to the curb).

Did you fetch his daughter yet?

Last edited by Forever; 27th December 2011 at 09:41 AM.
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