Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 25th December 2011, 09:29 AM   #151
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever, night night, thank you and have a wonderful Christmas xx
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 01:28 PM   #152
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Well this morning have done what the book suggests. I feel I had to apologise for the support I didnt give when his mum died and I feel a lot better for doing that. I went on to say that i realise I cannot force him to stay against his will and told him I would be ok if he chose to leave. I won't go into it all, but he voluntarily came up behind me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you. So I have given him the freedom he thinks he wants, I hope this takes the pressure off and maybe makes him think. No guarantees as we say but I actually feel better. He personaaly handed me every one of the pressies he bought me, explaining why he got it for me and I graciously accepted them and they are all lovely and thoughtful. Not my ideal xmas, but not too bad so far xx
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 04:56 PM   #153
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Do I have any hope?

I'm sorry. Why is it your responsibility to go through a SHAM week, while he entertains his daughter in your home! You are supposed to "'play act marital normalcy" to cloak his acts? Why do that? I say it would be FAR better to "uninvite" the girl and the bad timing of this bad marriage now.

She is HIS responsibility, and not your responsibility. He should have figured that his BAD actions hurt others, including his family and how they view his actions. You should not enter into that charade to cover up his attempt to create a normal scene. His relatives/family will deal with his actions how they will. Univite the girl and wish her a nice holiday at her mothers'. The best thing for you is to get him GONE and as fast as that can be accomplished you will get a chance at a life ahead.

Or you can fix/repair that disaster for the girl so she can think he is an OK dad/husband. That will last for a week? Month? Year? Take your pick. Then he wants to go find another womans' home and heart to move into next. This man is VERY bad news.

Dear lady, make him HISTORY. Tell him to call the daughter and break the news you have other plans for the next couple weeks. He can deal with it..he made the problems.

Make this time a time of leace for yourself. Make an appointment for yourself at a local spa to have a massage. Get a pedicure, facial and day of rest and beauty. schedule a lovely lunch with a supportive friend. Don't talk about him but what you see ahead for yourself. Go call a counselling service and get in to see someone you can talk to about these events. Think about a life without nasty complications.....HIM. spend time to make this Christmas one to analyze your life and how you see the future ahead that you will put this sad time behind.

About the presents...graciously accept that he owes you a few years of your life back. Nothing he bought means a hill of beans for what he showed you that his love comes and goes with the wind. Ask his other EX-wives what were their dealings like with this man? He seems made of clay. He will blow away anytime when you might need him most. He seems a man of supreme selfishness.

Don't waste your life. Life is too short to waste much of it on this mistake. While he sleeps down the hall, will you try to entice him to be a man...a husband? I sure hope not. I think you are far too valuable to throw yourself away here. Sadly, I have a feeling you will hang on and regret doing that, and he might stay awhile for what he gains. Does he gain in property or means from this marriage? How well did you know him before this marriage?
Is there an age difference here? I have a feeling he moves on when the novelty is past. I also wonder what he gains? Do you have any idea what he might gain?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th December 2011 at 05:46 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 05:49 PM   #154
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Do I have any hope?

She is her step mum and they get on well, and the girl is probably looking forward to seeing them. Why ruin it for her? A week isnt long, and we do need to put the children first always. Its enough that bandit is hurt, without hurting the child as well.

Bandit , sounds as if you are doing just the right thing. There is always hope.Too soon to give up yet.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 05:58 PM   #155
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Do I have any hope?

I disagree completely abou tth egirl coming and the need to sham through a week of academy award winning nice family for her benefit. This girl is NOT her responsibility nor is it her need to play act for his sake. You can't measure love as he loves you "a little..not enough..or not as much as he once did." Love is either there or NOT.

Your gut told you the marriage wasn't "right" in things you feel about him as you felt "you were not compatible." That is the feeling you try to hard to"win" his love. He loved many..and easily, it seems...amd just as easily..offloads them as he pleases. So he was ready to offload you. Now you are pleased with his little gifts? Why are you so easy to please and ask for so little? What happened to you that you ask so little for yourself?

I think he is good at pleasing women for short periods of time until he gets...what??? Are you working or have separate income? You said the house is yours? Is he much younger? i guess I wonder what is his charm?
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:00 PM   #156
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
I'm sorry. Why is it your responsibility to go through a SHAM week, while he entertains his daughter in your home! You are supposed to "'play act marital normalcy" to cloak his acts? Why do that? I say it would be FAR better to "uninvite" the girl and the bad timing of this bad marriage now.

She is HIS responsibility, and not your responsibility. He should have figured that his BAD actions hurt others, including his family and how they view his actions. You should not enter into that charade to cover up his attempt to create a normal scene. His relatives/family will deal with his actions how they will. Univite the girl and wish her a nice holiday at her mothers'. The best thing for you is to get him GONE and as fast as that can be accomplished you will get a chance at a life ahead.

Or you can fix/repair that disaster for the girl so she can think he is an OK dad/husband. That will last for a week? Month? Year? Take your pick. Then he wants to go find another womans' home and heart to move into next. This man is VERY bad news.

Dear lady, make him HISTORY. Tell him to call the daughter and break the news you have other plans for the next couple weeks. He can deal with it..he made the problems.

Make this time a time of leace for yourself. Make an appointment for yourself at a local spa to have a massage. Get a pedicure, facial and day of rest and beauty. schedule a lovely lunch with a supportive friend. Don't talk about him but what you see ahead for yourself. Go call a counselling service and get in to see someone you can talk to about these events. Think about a life without nasty complications.....HIM. spend time to make this Christmas one to analyze your life and how you see the future ahead that you will put this sad time behind.

About the presents...graciously accept that he owes you a few years of your life back. Nothing he bought means a hill of beans for what he showed you that his love comes and goes with the wind. Ask his other EX-wives what were their dealings like with this man? He seems made of clay. He will blow away anytime when you might need him most. He seems a man of supreme selfishness.

Don't waste your life. Life is too short to waste much of it on this mistake. While he sleeps down the hall, will you try to entice him to be a man...a husband? I sure hope not. I think you are far too valuable to throw yourself away here. Sadly, I have a feeling you will hang on and regret doing that, and he might stay awhile for what he gains. Does he gain in property or means from this marriage? How well did you know him before this marriage?
Is there an age difference here? I have a feeling he moves on when the novelty is past. I also wonder what he gains? Do you have any idea what he might gain?
Thank you for your imput, I really appreciate the time and effort you have given my situation. I do understand what you are saying and I'm not stupid, just a wife in love with her husband. I need to give it a little time otherwise I will always wonder. I will not accept this situation forever believe me.

He was willing to cancel his Daughter, it is me who doesn't want to. I love her and do not want to upset her at Xmas. She will be upset enough when she does know, why wreck her xmas as well as my own. Maybe he is selfish, but I am sure not, not where she is concerned anyway.

So I shall bide my time a little, but not forever. Thank you.
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:04 PM   #157
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
I disagree completely abou tth egirl coming and the need to sham through a week of academy award winning nice family for her benefit. This girl is NOT her responsibility nor is it her need to play act for his sake. You can't measure love as he loves you "a little..not enough..or not as much as he once did." Love is either there or NOT.

Your gut told you the marriage wasn't "right" in things you feel about him as you felt "you were not compatible." That is the feeling you try to hard to"win" his love. He loved many..and easily, it seems...amd just as easily..offloads them as he pleases. So he was ready to offload you. Now you are pleased with his little gifts? Why are you so easy to please and ask for so little? What happened to you that you ask so little for yourself?

I think he is good at pleasing women for short periods of time until he gets...what??? Are you working or have separate income? You said the house is yours? Is he much younger? i guess I wonder what is his charm?

He has nothing to gain financially, yes I work and he is 3 years older than me. Who can say what is charm is and why we love, we just do. Thank you for being angry on my behalf, but I have to do what is right for me.
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:05 PM   #158
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
She is her step mum and they get on well, and the girl is probably looking forward to seeing them. Why ruin it for her? A week isnt long, and we do need to put the children first always. Its enough that bandit is hurt, without hurting the child as well.

Bandit , sounds as if you are doing just the right thing. There is always hope.Too soon to give up yet.
Thanks Chosen, I feel like I am doing the right thing. Not saying it will be easy, but yes she is looking forward to coming. Thank you x
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:10 PM   #159
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Do I have any hope?

Sweetheart,

Your husband has lived a nightmare. Being an only child and responsible for his mother since age 9 is too much. Not only was she ill and he had to cater to her, her husband up and left her rather than manning up... and went on to remarry and have other children which would have made her bitter as well as caused your husband to wish he had a way for escape..like his father did. I cannot imagine what he had to endure while these things were going on...alternately loving his sick mother while hating the task he was unfit to do.

Escape.


He will need to realise that escape is not the answer to life's problems, but an automatic mechanism deeply entrenched into his soul, learned during a tragic situation that he was way too young to handle...it seems natural to him to run...sort of a default button that is pushed when he is overwhelmed emotionally.

You would do well to try and understand how these things can affect a person from their youth up, and offer more stability. He does not take turmoil well. He is not defined entirely by his problem, I am sure he has many good qualities worth examining and being patient to see if this can be overcome.

If not, it will all unfold. Him paying his share of house money into the next month tells me that he does not really wish to leave so much as he wants and needs stability. A better way to deal with the everyday conflict is in order here...he does not do well under pressure.

My husband bought me the biggest orchid I have ever seen in my life...scary big...well over three feet tall with five blossem stalks. I have had to google this variety to see how to take care of it without drowning it or killing it out of my own ignorance of its species and needs. It has to have certain tempuratures, light, water...even the pot it sits in has to be right. My challenge is to keep it alive and blooming for years to come. It is well worth the effort. Is your husband worth the same effort?

Have to go now, we will talk later if I get the chance.

Last edited by Forever; 25th December 2011 at 06:16 PM.
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:12 PM   #160
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Do I have any hope?

Hi Lisa

Where is your log-on coming from? A title of some movie/song you love? I was just curious.
hope your Christmas day is peaceful.

xx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:15 PM   #161
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Sweetheart,

Your husband has lived a nightmare. Being an only child and responsible for his mother since age 9 is too much. Not only was she ill and he had to cater to her, her husband up and left her rather than manning up... and went on to remarry and have other children which would have made her bitter as well as caused your husband to wish he had a way for escape. I cannot imagine what he had to endure while these things were going on...alternately loving his sick mother while hating the task he was unfit to do.

Escape.


He will need to realise that escape is not the answer to life's problems, but an automatic mechanism deeply entrenched into his soul, learned during a tragic situation that he was way too young to handle...it seems natural to him to run...sort of a default button that is pushed when he is overwhelmed emotionally.

You would do well to try and understand how these things can affect a person from their youth up, and offer more stability. He does not take turmoil well. He is not defined entirely by his problem, I am sure he has many good qualities worth examining and being patient to see if this can be overcome.

If not, it will all unfold. Him paying his share of house money into the next month tells me that he does not really wish to leave so much as he wants and needs stability. A better way to deal with the everyday conflict is in order here...he does not do well under pressure.

My husband bought me the biggest orchid I have ever seen in my life...scary big...well over three feet tall with five blossem stalks. I have had to google this variety to see how to take care of it without drowning it or killing it out of my own ignorance of its species and needs. It has to have certain tempuratures, light, water...even the pot it sits in has to be right. My challenge is to keep it alive and blooming for years to come. It is well worth the effort. Is your husband worth the same effort?

Have to go now, we will talk later if I get the chance.
Forever, I think I love you, thank you. You speak so much sense xx
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:18 PM   #162
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi Lisa

Where is your log-on coming from? A title of some movie/song you love? I was just curious.
hope your Christmas day is peaceful.

xx
Its actually my cat, my baby

The day has not been too bad at all really, he came to my Brothers for Xmas lunch and my family were brilliant. As per my request they just acted normally and welcomed him with open arms, which I know would have been so hard for my Mum & Dad as they are so upset for me, particularly my Dad, he is heartbroken for me. Hope you are having a good day too. x
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:18 PM   #163
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Do I have any hope?

Lisa,

Putting the girl first is the right thing to do. Why upset her now if things work out in the future?

We're the adults and should act like grown ups.

If it all ends, you'll know you've done your best.

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:22 PM   #164
bandit0000
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 400
Re: Do I have any hope?

Thank you SM. That is true, we are the adults, the children come first for me even though they may not be my responsibilty.

How are you doing? x
bandit0000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2011, 06:26 PM   #165
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post

My husband bought me the biggest orchid I have ever seen in my life...scary big...well over three feet tall with five blossem stalks. I have had to google this variety to see how to take care of it without drowning it or killing it out of my own ignorance of its species and needs. It has to have certain tempuratures, light, water...even the pot it sits in has to be right. My challenge is to keep it alive and blooming for years to come. It is well worth the effort. Is your husband worth the same effort?

Have to go now, we will talk later if I get the chance.
Orchids may require a controlled atmosphere e.g. a greenhouse with humidity and temperature control settings. It would be a shame if it blossoms for such a short time and dies. Is it a native plant imported from abroad?
xx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2020 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer